I've been replaced....

[ladydesigner]

(((HeavyHeart15))) All I can say is FTG (**** that guy). You are going to be better off without someone who can do something like this to their spouse.

 

I haven't read through the entire thread and I am not sure if this was mentioned at all, but at any time did you expose their A? Do people around you know how their relationship started?

[Yasuandio]

This is an incredibly difficult week for me.

He has signed the separation agreement. Tomorrow I file for divorce.

 

Perfect - follow through.

 

Who knows if being served will even phase him. I imagine he's anxious to get this whole thing over with.

 

It does not phase him, "YET." In the future, if you remain under emotional control (which is easier said than done), he will hit a brick, one of these days - and will repent for his conduct. Hopefully, by that time, you will not want to begin a new relationship with him. And should you decide to take home back, it is a very long road to successful reconciliation.

 

I feel sad, helpless, angry, exhausted. I've been physically sick for the past couple of days from all this stress. My nerves are shot and my heart is broken.

 

Your feelings are completely normal. However, this will pass, the pain will lessen - IF you avoid any and all contact. I promise you.

 

This is it. It's over. Half of my life gone. Was it worth it? Does he really love her? I don't know. I just want to let go, I'm having such a hard time doing that. I pray for acceptance.

 

Try to flip this point of view, if possible. He expended the same amount of time with you in the marriage (until he checked out into an affair. What he is feeling in the affair is newness, and a thrill. He is NOT possibly experiencing the depth of love that your marriage provided. He is in a fog - that feels strong, but the "feeling" is below the waste.

 

This affair cannot be compared at all with your meaningful history together in marriage (this type of love takes time to develop). That said, you were there during that time period as was he - and it was a marriage, not a waste of your life. Try to absorb this point, please.

 

I am proud of myself for leaving, for filing the separation agreement and now filing for divorce.

 

Well deserved - continue to have pride in this amazing accomplishment. Such normally doesn't happen so swiftly when one is emotionally devastated.

 

I hope he realizes that I have self respect and worth and I wasn't going to take his BS.

 

He realizes nothing yet. BUT HE WILL, SOONER OR LATER.

 

I suppose you could say I made this easy for him but I took back control and the relief will be worth every penny when he's no longer a part of my life. I will fall apart but I will be ok...eventually.

 

NO, you just made this a real problematic, future "wake-call" for him - a nightmare he will experience, with no one to blame but himself. Bravo!

 

You ARE NOT going to fall apart - IF you stay away from him. Think of this man as a serial killer. He killed your marriage, and will regret this in time.

 

10 characters. Yas

[HeavyHeart15]

I filed for divorce. I broke down in the lawyer's office. I didn't want this but this is my reality. He moved on a long time ago, what's left is just paperwork to him. He will be served next week and just like that, it's over.

 

I'm physically sick and emotionally spent, I feel so alone. The tears and the why's don't stop. I hate her. My love for the man I married, my best friend is still there and always will be. The man he is now, I don't know and don't want to know.

 

I have not heard from him since I left our home. Is he afraid to reach out? I'd like to think so but really it's probably just because he no longer gives a f*ck about me or my life. He got what he wanted. Will he face himself and realize what he's done? I hope so. It feels like he "got away" with it. Nothing about this is fair. Slowly but surely I will let go and as painful as severing the connection to him will be, I have to realize that connection is to a man who no longer exists.

[Steen719]

The day I sent the divorce paperwork off ranks high on the list of the worst days through all of the mess (behind going to the house and separating pictures).

 

As I have said in other posts, your posts are so similar to mine, it takes me back. For the first year after I moved out, my XH never contacted me except to email me about business stuff. He never once asked me how I was or did I need any help with anything. This from a man who I took care of through a transplant. It helped me realize he didn't care about me after 23 years. The following May, he showed up at my door with flowers for mother's day. Yep, he and his lady were having problems. I threw the flowers out.

 

Some time after, maybe another year - can't remember, he was trying to come around, I said to him that he had not even bothered to see if I was OK and that he missed father's day with his only child, our son, and I took him out for father's day. He seemed almost surprised - really? He was not even thinking about us at that point - just himself and his gf.

 

I guess there was some satisfaction that he was starting to realize what an idiot he was, but honestly, HH, he still didn't care about me. He just wanted to feel better and I was an old go-to. Even if your H comes back to you later, you won't go there. How can you ever believe his feelings are real? He has moved on at the speed of lightning and has not looked back at you, seeing your pain. He may not want you to hurt, but neither is he trying to help you and truthfully, you are not really on his radar.

 

It hurts, I know. I really do. You will feel better in time. When I first left, I had dreams about going back together and I would cry when I woke, because he was not there. Eventually, I would dream we were back together and be so relieved that it wasn't true when I woke.

 

One day at a time - do some things to get out. Exercise. I walked my dogs a lot. At least, I got out doing that. I cried whenever I felt like it. Do not look at anything about the 2 of them. Some day, you will be thinking about it and realize that you couldn't go back with him, even if he wanted to. He is not the man you thought he was.

 

I know it really sucks right now. Most of us who have been through this kind of thing can identify with you as to how abandoned, used and abused we felt, but I am here to tell you that, with time, you will feel better. Hold on to that and realize that relationships built on another's pain can't really have a great foundation.

Edited November 7, 2015 by Steen719
spelling

[Mr. Lucky]

I filed for divorce. I broke down in the lawyer's office. I didn't want this but this is my reality. He moved on a long time ago, what's left is just paperwork to him. He will be served next week and just like that, it's over.

 

I'm physically sick and emotionally spent, I feel so alone. The tears and the why's don't stop. I hate her. My love for the man I married, my best friend is still there and always will be. The man he is now, I don't know and don't want to know.

 

I have not heard from him since I left our home. Is he afraid to reach out? I'd like to think so but really it's probably just because he no longer gives a f*ck about me or my life. He got what he wanted. Will he face himself and realize what he's done? I hope so. It feels like he "got away" with it. Nothing about this is fair. Slowly but surely I will let go and as painful as severing the connection to him will be, I have to realize that connection is to a man who no longer exists.

 

Sounds like, little by little, you're getting there. Small steps, one day at a time. Keep posting:-) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[qubist]

HeavyHeart: will realize on day ( hopefully soon) that there is only one person that's responsible for your happiness. and that person is you. I understand your pain. you loved him and invested so much emotion on him and your marriage. you must see that the person you married doesn't exist any more consider him dead. take a time to grieve the loss then move on. trust, although it's hard to see right now, there is bright and happy life for you waiting for you to discover. it is only up to you to find it.

[Chris516]

My developmentally disabled (ex)wife, was the one that left me. I cried for the first six months after she left. But when I talked to her about divorce, she begged me not to. I shelved the thought for a year. Until she said, she had always wanted my (three congenital physical) disabilities to "just go away". No wonder she ran out of the room when I had a seizure. But she already knew it could happen.

 

(So much for, 'in sickness and in health'. She basically lied during the wedding vows.)

 

That made my decision right there, and I wasn't backing down. I divorced her over a decade ago.

 

Be thankful that you are no longer with him.

[Stillstanding0110]

I know exactly what you're going through. After 23 years of marriage, I discovered after months of emotional abuse, lying and denial, that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague. I had the same old lines rolled out, "we haven't anything in common any more", "I love you but am not in love with you", "we aren't good for each other" .... And before DD it was "I don't even find you attractive any more", "I wish I WAS having an affair - it would be easier!"

 

He was so cruel and seemingly checked out of our relationship some time before, when I look back with the benefit of hindsight.

 

i discovered the affair by detective work and after mind games, lies and abuse. i asked him to leave the house to sort his head out and decide between me or her. He left "for a short time whilst people are angry", (this was bang smack in the middle of our son's important exams before university). That was nearly six months ago. He moved in with the OW 200 miles away a month ago. sHe left after a week to return to husband and sons, he cried to me and asked our son to collect him and belongings and said he had made a mistake. 24 hours later he said she had made the mistake and he was trying to persuade her to go back to him.

 

On our 24th wedding anniversary he was speaking to her husband to tell him he wanted his wife. She moved back in four days later.

 

i have been a wreck. i have to sit on my hands so as to not contact him. mY children have lost respect for him and won't see him at the moment. He has told me that he lives with the guilt every day and when she left him for a few days he said the guilt had killed any other feelings.

 

Before he moved in with her he said he was in love with her, they were emotionally and physically compatible and talked for hours ....

 

So, why can't I file for divorce? I too feel completely replaced and it is the worst feeling. Like our 25 year relationship and two children have just been taken over by a new woman and her teenage sons, who won't go near him.

 

Somehow, a part of me thinks he will see the light and return. It is so so difficult.

 

i empathise with anyone going through this. I have never felt so much pain.

 

I am moving forward and doing loads of things and have to keep going ... But some days the hurt is unbearable.

 

Virtual hugs ... I am there with you.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry. Truly I am. People are so horrible, you don't know how bad they are until it's too late. I hope you pick up the pieces and move on.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you everyone for your words.

 

This weekend was extremely difficult, there were moments when I didn't want to be alive anymore. The pain and sadness was overwhelming and I couldn't seem to do anything to shake it.

 

I feel a little better today, work helps to take my mind off things for a little while. I don't have therapy for another week! I need help. I need to move forward, for me. My pain has no effect on him. He's in love and living a full life and I'm here feeling like I could die. He does not love me. He does not care about me. I need to finally accept this reality and LET GO. Please God help me to let go.

 

He is being served this week. The end to this nightmare is getting closer. Maybe then, when everything is final I can finally begin to truly heal. No more back and forth, no more limbo. Just cold hard reality which I will have no choice but to accept.

[HeavyHeart15]

He was served today. I am heart broken. I really miss my husband and best friend. I've lost him forever and will probably never see or hear from him ever again.

 

The pain is unbearable. I never would have given up on him.

He didn't fight for me, he didn't even want to try. He was already gone. They get to live happily ever after and I feel like I'm drowning, struggling to find my way, to start over. Alone.

[ladydesigner]

He was served today. I am heart broken. I really miss my husband and best friend. I've lost him forever and will probably never see or hear from him ever again.

 

The pain is unbearable. I never would have given up on him.

He didn't fight for me, he didn't even want to try. He was already gone. They get to live happily ever after and I feel like I'm drowning, struggling to find my way, to start over. Alone.

 

(((HeavyHeart15))) You will get through this. It will take time but you will be okay and bounce back one day! Keep posting here and go to therapy and hang out with friends or make new friends.

 

Have you looked into a Divorce Care Support Group? I know those can be a great help.

 

It was never you sweetie, these cheaters are a dime a dozen and as soon as they do it, it pretty much sums up who they are as a person, especially if they never learned from it (which in your WH's case may be some time until his relationship with the b*tch implodes. Most relationships that start as an A are either broken or end).

[ladydesigner]

Amazing post Yasuandio!

It helped me reading it too!

 

Especially this part:

 

This affair cannot be compared at all with your meaningful history together in marriage (this type of love takes time to develop). That said, you were there during that time period as was he - and it was a marriage, not a waste of your life. Try to absorb this point, please.

[HeavyHeart15]

It's his birthday.

 

I am drowning today. My thoughts scare me, I'm incredibly sad and thinking what's the point? I feel like I've hit a wall, my strength is fading. I don't want to carry this pain anymore, I'm tired. The worst part is, he has carried on without a single thought about me while I'm here feeling detached and alone.

 

I thought I was getting better....

[andie1969]

I have just now read this entire thread and can honestly say I know how you feel. Nov 8 of last year was d day for me, tomorrow we go to court to finalize our divorce. 13 years of marriage gone, all for some ho he met online. She had been married over 20 years and left her husband to shack up with mine. My ex moved over 5 hours away to another state, abandoning not only me, but our 12 year old daughter, home, his dog, everything. In his own words he wanted "a clean slate". He did everything others here are saying, he had checked out before I was blindsided by all of this and then began to rewrite history citing everything I'd done or said over the past years. This new woman was his soulmate, it was fate, they're so in love. Within months he had taken her to his home state to meet his parents who haven't seen our daughter in a year and a half, and just last weekend his parents flew there to visit him, the ow and her daughter. I think their abandonment of me and our daughter hurts just as much as his.

 

I'm just sharing this to show you you are not alone, I have felt every range of emotion possible over the past year. I have screamed, cried, drank, called off work and stayed in bed all day. Am I still hurt and angry? Sure, but not because I want him back at all, but because his actions and choices made decisions for my life and impacted my daughter and I so deeply. We had to move out of the big home we lived in for 8 years and move into a 2 bedroom apt. I'm angry that I'm in a worse financial place than I was before I met him 15 years ago. But I also know he is delusional about what happiness is and I'm confident someday he will get a huge dose of reality slapping him in the face.

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but therapy, journaling and exercise really does help, yoga has been a life saver for me. Having great friends and supportive coworkers kept me from losing my sanity too. I have tremendous anxiety about seeing him in court tomorrow, but I also feel that it will be a new beginning, one that I will be in total control of.

[minimariah]

But I also know he is delusional about what happiness is and I'm confident someday he will get a huge dose of reality slapping him in the face.

 

sweetheart, i'm sorry.

 

i can't and i won't ever be able to understand people who decide to divorce their children, too. moving 5 hours away from your child?! who does that? how often does he even sees her living that far?

 

protect yourself and your daughter, please. keep moving forward, you'll have a lot of ups and downs but eventually - those ups become far more regular than the downs and things start working out. one day at a time.

Edited November 24, 2015 by minimariah

[andie1969]

sweetheart, i'm sorry.

 

i can't and i won't ever be able to understand people who decide to divorce their children, too. moving 5 hours away from your child?! who does that? how often does he even sees her living that far?

 

protect yourself and your daughter, please. keep moving forward, you'll have a lot of ups and downs but eventually - those ups become far more regular than the downs and things start working out. one day at a time.

 

Thanks! Right? Who does that?! It's not even like he relocated for a job, he moved to live with a married woman he met on freaking Instagram! I cannot fathom doing that to her. He sees her once or twice a month, enough to play fun dad for a day, then back to his new family.

 

We signed the papers today, he's no longer my problem except where our daughter is concerned. On to bigger and better things!

[HeavyHeart15]

They are living together. How they can share the home that he and I lived in for the last 10 years is beyond me. The bed that we shared, all of the things I left behind. She's probably tossed them...

 

It's been 10 months since I left, I suppose this was to be expected. It still hurts, I'm heart broken.

[Hammie]

We have bad days on the journey through this. Im at a point now where I can look at a picture of her and him together and not try to kill myself. thats an improvement, albeit not the one I wanted weeks ago.

 

Winston Churchill once said "if you are going through hell, keep going". I can promise you this much, it might never get better, but you will care a damn sight less in future. Its not what you want to hear I know, but after being through almost the exact same situation to you in the last couple of months, all I can say is that remembering who did what to whom and why will at least give you some sense of self respect.

 

You did nothing wrong. You didnt give up. For whatever reason, he and the ones like him engage in this abusive act to make themselves feel better about themselves, and feel no guilt because that would mean they did wrong, and they dont want to believe that.

 

You are still going through cycles of grief. They are cyclical phases of denial, agression, depression, bargaining and acceptance. They will return to you time and again. Thats the bad part...

 

The good part is that you can use them to help rebuild and reinvent yourself. Its ok to cry about how you have been wronged. what he did was the most awful thing anyone can do to another person. Be angry, he hurt you. Youll feel down occasionally, and when you do, remember that the reason youre like this is because of what he did to you. give yourself permission to go out with friends. Go on a date. Talk to strangers online Yes, there will be the occasional person who doesnt know all the details when you meet friends, so tell them your side. Go write stuff down that means something to you. My facebook is littered with short paragraphs that only I can see about what I feel in those moments. Create something with love and attention and then go and destroy it whilest keeping in your mind that you are going to beat whatever fears you have and let the act take away the negative feelings.

 

The future isnt set. I was afraid of being alone to the point where I took an overdose and wanted to be dead. Im not afraid now, in fact im starting to put things into place to rebuild my life. It takes as long as it takes for each of us, but you will get there regardless of wanting to or not. A part of you will never heal, but it doesnt have to dominate you either. You did nothing wrong, and he did. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that. If you can look yourself in the face and tell yourself things like that, you know if youre being honest with yourself.

 

you invested in the wrong person in your life (as did I) but that doesnt mean life has to stop. I came to realise that over the weeks since my overdose. looking back, ive found a lot about our relationship that was abusive towards me and my opinion of her has diminished.

 

its not ideal, and I still have moments where I feel like I was thrown away like a piece of rubbish, and I still have the occasional tear over it all, but they cant hurt you anymore than they already have, and karma is a bitch when it comes back and bites them on the backside.

 

Hope you manage to work out your fears and start living again. it isnt easy and it will happen when it happens, but dont think any less of yourself and go back through this thread you made. I bet youll feel differently about some of the things you said previously. its a long hard process, but youre not alone.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you Hammie, andie1969 and ladydesigner! I appreciate your words! It helps to know I'm not alone.

 

I need to find a way to let go. What did I expect? I moved out, I initiated our separation agreement, I filed for divorce. There was and is no going back for me, for us. I could have stayed but I would be fighting for us all by myself. How do you convince someone who's already checked out and given up to fight for you? He chose her. He loves her. That's the reality. I need to let go of the tiny bit of hope that still exists that he will realize what he has done, will realize what we had and want that back. I need to let go of the need for him to hurt the way he hurt me, to feel remorse for the pain he's caused me. He does not care. He's made that perfectly clear. I am mourning a man who no longer exists. It's not fair that I have to start all over and he gets to move on without skipping a beat. He has the house and everything in it. His mom has given him financial help so he isn't struggling in any way.

 

She has moved in with him, it's been 10 months. Our divorce won't be final until March/April of next year. Maybe they get off on sharing the bed I laid in for the last 10 years. She no doubt has tossed the things I left and made it her own, how does living in the home he shared with his wife for the last 10 years not phase her?

 

Maybe they're meant to be together? Could it be real? I don't know and I don't want to care. Why did he have to hurt me the way he did. Why couldn't he be honest with me? I deserved the truth. I'll never get the answers, I'll never know what he feels about what he's done. I only know what I've seen and heard. He is a stranger. A selfish human being who just decided my life who had the nerve to look at me and tell me "you'll be ok", who said "I could have left"....Why look me in the eyes and tell me you love me and that you didn't want to lose me when in fact you were planning to leave all along? How cruel and selfish can you be? What's worse is those cruel and selfish people usually get what they want don't they....

[No Limit]

What's worse is those cruel and selfish people usually get what they want don't they....

 

Not in the long-term, no. At least I haven't heard of such a case so far, the latest being a woman who abandoned her entire family to run off with her affair dude (our new neighbours). A couple decades later she returns and made amends with one of her daughters, who is happy to have someone to watch her kids which resulted from several ONS and of course to be able to ask for money. As if that sort of "family" wasn't enough, she's still with affair dude, only that he barely even acknowledges her presence at all while she's stuck with him. Happy end? Well, if being with a person no matter the circumstances is your dream, then perhaps yes.

[DSP]

Thanks! Right? Who does that?! It's not even like he relocated for a job, he moved to live with a married woman he met on freaking Instagram! I cannot fathom doing that to her. He sees her once or twice a month, enough to play fun dad for a day, then back to his new family.

 

We signed the papers today, he's no longer my problem except where our daughter is concerned. On to bigger and better things!

 

Dropping back in on this thread...

 

Wait a minute. He met this person on social media, she was married and he dropped his child, ruined his marriage and moved five hours away? Wow...

 

Once you get to the other side of this hurricane and if you've followed the advice of other here you are going to be in such a good place.

 

I'm sure you feel better today than you did 30 days ago, but please trust me when I say that a year from now you are not only going to be feeling better, but you will probably be coming out on top in life too now and in the future.

 

I truly hope you've been exercising and taking care of your health. Not only for yourself, but for your child as well.

 

Someone posted how men speak to other men when they go through these things and he is 100% correct. Re read that post and head that advice. Lawyer up, hit the gym and delete social media. Dress well, smell good, and get social. Get busy living and leave the past where it lies.

[Lostmyworld]

In my opinion nobody cares about wedding vows anymore in todays society. They take them to lightly . When going gets rough the look for an out instead of fighting on till the bitter end. And in them doing that the other spouses is heart is tore out . So selfish . I feel your pain .