I've been replaced....

[ufo8mycat]

 

How did you finally come to a place of acceptance or indifference? How were you finally able to let go.

 

I have to let go and shift my focus on to ME. Please help!!

 

Time, I think. I am not there yet. My head still spins from time to time on how quickly our marriage vows and commitment to a life together was cast aside. But the more time I spend in therapy the more that it unwinds that very little was about me. People with healthy boundaries and communication skills don't behave like this.

 

I was cast aside as I started to stand up for myself, to verbalise my own needs and expectations of our relationship. This didn't mean much fun for him so the simplest solution? Find a new, compliant supply of ego stroking.

 

It still hurts but at the same time - this isn't a man you want to be in a relationship with. Probably not even the same person you thought you knew. But it does hurt to not be chosen, but think of it this way - he chose the path of least resistance.

 

I am not sure how it works elsewhere but can do you do a property settlement? Make sure you get your stuff or your share of joint assets?

 

Again, those thoughts about him being happier etc.... they are just thoughts. Not fact or truth. So when you find yourself going down that rabbit hole, pull yourself up. It doesn't serve you. Doing something every day that makes you happy... does.

 

This sucks HH, it really does. I wish I had something to take the pain and grief away but it WILL get better with time. It does lessen. Are you no-contact with him? Including all social media?

[HeavyHeart15]

We are in the midst of working out the separation agreement. I've moved out and took what I wanted. He can keep everything, I don't want a thing. When I finally get my own place, I will buy my own things and start over with no memories of our home or life together.

 

One of the conditions in the separation agreement is that he be responsible for filing and paying for the divorce and he is to file as soon as possible. He will. They're engaged (so I've heard) and just can't wait for the divorce to be final. It's surreal to think I spent half my life with this man I no longer know. He's a stranger. I feel like such a fool, I didn't know him at all.

 

He has not contacted me since I left over 6 months ago other than an occasional text about mail. I do not follow him on any social media.

[Emma1a]

Hi HeavyHeart15,

 

I am so sorry to hear your story. I am crying as I read your post. I can feel your pain, I really do. That is a very very long time together. We were only together for 7 years before he replaced me with someone from his work. We were engaged. Difference is, she is older I think. He told me before leaving that he wanted to be with someone older and that i'm not mature enough for him (because of the cute little things that I do like hugging him all the time?! maybe he sees that as immature?! I don't know. Professionally, I've done really well for myself, better than him).

 

I was doing well knowing my self worth but I had three setbacks:

 

1. his breadcrumb messages (I ranted after receiving them, told him to not send me meaningless messages). That was 2 months post BU

 

2. I ran into him and her on the street, he was holding her hands (that's when i know he didn't leave me to "find" himself like he said but he left me for someone from his work). He never really used to hold my hands he said he didn't like it. He let go of her hands as soon as he saw me and walked ahead of her. This was 3 months post BU

 

3. Three nights ago, I was having dinner with friends at a patio on the street. He walked passed by me on the street. When i saw him, he was staring at me. i turned around instantly but could see from the corner of my eyes that he was still looking.

 

I never really cried after breaking up for 1.5 months. But after the above three incidents, i would cry and feel so sad and depressed all over again.

 

It is a long journey to recovery. Just remember that you don't want to be with someone who could replace you with a heartbeat after so many years together! All the best!

[Emma1a]

We are in the midst of working out the separation agreement. I've moved out and took what I wanted. He can keep everything, I don't want a thing. When I finally get my own place, I will buy my own things and start over with no memories of our home or life together.

 

One of the conditions in the separation agreement is that he be responsible for filing and paying for the divorce and he is to file as soon as possible. He will. They're engaged (so I've heard) and just can't wait for the divorce to be final. It's surreal to think I spent half my life with this man I no longer know. He's a stranger. I feel like such a fool, I didn't know him at all.

 

He has not contacted me since I left over 6 months ago other than an occasional text about mail. I do not follow him on any social media.

 

 

Wow they are engaged?! Men can be so cruel. Please forget about this man and move on! Best revenge is to live better!!

[Steen719]

Heavyheart,

I have been meaning to get back to this thread and kept reading when I had no time. I want to respond to you because I felt very much like you. I felt as if we were standing in a line (xh and I) and someone came and snagged me out of line and put his gf in. She would come and stay and at my house, went to family weddings with him, parked in my place - we were married 22 years. UGH. It was so painful and he seemed to move on at lightening speed. My brother kindly explained that he had moved on way before I caught him cheating and he was in a different stage than me. All true and yet, painful to me.

 

Time will help you. Keep as busy as you can. Try to think of him as her problem now. He will surely do to her what he did to you. My xh ended up apart from gf - such a volatile relationship. He apologized after that, but honestly, it never felt real. It was all about what HE had lost, not what he did to me and our son. Interesting and worth mentioning is that she threw a tray at him because evidently during their deciding to break up, but still being there with her, he was online looking for other women. As I said, same behavior - different woman.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It stinks and I know it. I really felt so bad for a while, just so sad and thrown away. Believe me, you will feel better. Time gives us perspective and so does talking to friends or someone about it. I hope you are feeling better soon.

 

And, really, what kind of woman marries a man who JUST cheated on his wife and wants to marry her SO soon? Yikes! She is pretty desperate.

 

Feel better. Keep your chin up. Someday you will realize that you are happier and better off without someone like him.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thanks everyone, this is hard! It helps to know I'm not alone and I will come out the other side someday happier and stronger than before. I'm hoping time and therapy help me get to a better place.

 

I have decided to file for divorce. I may go broke doing so but I desperately need closure. I think only then when everything is final that I can finally heal. It will hurt like hell but I need to move on.

 

I originally was going to leave it up to him to sort of teach him a lesson, hoping it would make him realize what he's done but honestly I don't think he would really care. His mother would probably pay for it anyway lol so no loss to him.

 

There's no going back. He made his decision and has moved on. I want to move on too.

[DSP]

Your EH was in a different place than you in the separation. He had moved on long before you were forced to leave.

 

The woman that replaced you will have her own issues for him to deal with. After the initial beginning of the relationship feelings fade reality sets in due to the comfort levels increasing. She will see his flaws and he will see hers. It may take years for her to leave it may take a month for him to regret it.

 

I too fell to the floor sobbing to the point I couldn't breath or scream. We were together 15 years with 3 children. I was replaced by some guy I still haven't met and they are still together. At first I couldn't believe I was replaced by such a downgrade. Now I don't care. This isn't about me, but would like to give you an idea that I know where you are coming from.

 

Everybody is different in their healing so your timeline may differ. Here are some things that were never told to me I will share with you.

 

Being told to stay busy sounds great in theory and is great advice. Understand that it will not take away the pain. You will continue to feel numb inside. Your mind will race and constantly be taken back to your ex. You will have to fight just to stay on task and focus. It's normal so don't worry too much about it.

 

One day you will wake up and feel great then 20 minutes later you catch yourself thinking about all the questions and old arguments. This is the time when you force your mind to think of something else. If you try to do this before that time you are only burying the pain. It will take months to get to that point, but it feels great.

 

The pain is going to be unbearable watching, seeing, or hearing anything that has to do with the other woman so distance yourself from that. It's going to be hard enough being your mind will not leave it all alone. Constant reminders hurt far worse than the initial abandonment. The crying and depression will fade over time. You will have entire days where you cry and are sad even months after this is over. It is common.

 

It's going to take at least a year before you start even beginning to feel better. To have the mental strength to fully focus on something with all you have.

 

Funny thing is... This is also the time that you should have been working on yourself so you will be prepared for the next steps. Make a challenge to yourself right now. No drinking of alcohol for 10 months. Stick to it. Alcohol will push your depression deep and it will last for days. Six months from now you will think you're doing great then after a bottle of wine you've slide backwards in healing and are back to a sobbing mess.

 

The next step is after the initial year. This is where you will be in a position to find you. Right now it's all lip service. You are just stumbling through the process to get somewhere other than here. In a year or so you will be ready to move to the next level.

 

Here is another thing that you can look forward to. After your time of self improvement you will have become a better you. Not a different person just a better you than what you are now. You will come out of this stronger with better conviction and an understanding of human dynamics. Your EH will not. He will be in the same place he is now with just a different set of luggage. You will have a better tool bag and better tools.

 

Serve the papers. Do it with a callused and matter of business approach. What you loved isn't there and it is over. That person you loved left a long time ago so beg, borrow or steal what you have to in order to divorce. This won't make you feel a whole lot better it will just be done. Stay single so you don't have to drop this baggage on the next guy. It sucks and it gets lonely. It's just the best way to heal you and you will understand this later on.

 

There is no silver lining. You will not get an answer as to why. You are never going to be the same person you were before. Accept your faults and fix them as best as you can. Just get through another day.

 

Here are some other gems.

 

Your ex is waiting for you to do these thing:

 

Gain weight, get cats, drink excessively, have a revolving door for men, stay reclusive and isolated, color your hair some unnatural color, cut your hair off, act like your 21 again, fake your happiness on social media. Then he can point his finger and say "See I told you she was blah, blah, blah..." and justify his behavior.

 

You really want to make it count? Don't do any of that above. None of it. You don't have to climb a mountain or become a fitness model. Just stay composed and feminine. Be a lady and when you're all put back together you will have a better man than the one who ran away.

 

Hope this helped in some way. It will slowly get better so enjoy the sunshine while it shines on you.

[beatcuff]

I'm not taking very good care of myself physically. There are so many things that I know I should be doing but just don't have the strength to put them into practice.

 

i read the entire thread but this stands out.

 

find a team sport that you enjoy. there are beginner leagues for about any sport, yes they will teach you to skate. while any physical activity is a great stress reliever and will, over time, make you feel better about yourself, the interaction with your teammates will also get you back out into the social world. going to the gym is solitary (and easier to skip), but a team sport requires concentration on the activity at hand. i find during that 'hour' the worlds troubles and problems no longer exist. many teams will after the game 'hang out' for beer and chat --- about the game (makes for easy conversations). i have friendships from only a few seasons that have lasted for years. AND have bumped into fellow players at social events/bars over the years.

 

take this as a challenge. life is not fair and you got about as swift and hard a lesson as you can. but each moment you dwell is a moment you will never get back. yes you can and should grieve but do not let it consume you.

 

good luck.

[Everalei]

It may sound harsh, but that's just the way people are: unpredictable. I'm no expert, but I think that most people make the mistake of believing that they MUST find someone to be happy at last, and that they just can't be happy before that. I believe it's just the other way around: you must find your own happiness to be happy, and then find someone to be happy with, instead of putting that responsibility (of making you happy) over their shoulders. I strongly believe that I am responsible for most of my own well being and happiness. Being so, go find your own happiness inside yourself by doing things and being with people that make you happy. If people don't shine their light upon you, be your own light and shine upon others. If they don't bring you flowers, plant them in the garden of your heart. Then, look for someone who's willing to share their light and flowers with you, and you with them. Love is sharing, not just giving or just taking.

[HeavyHeart15]

He has been made aware that I will be filing for divorce. I wonder how he took the news, he was probably happy.

 

I am sad and hurt. I was so easily replaced and tossed aside like a piece of trash. I was in the way.

 

They are still together. It's painful. I'm so afraid I'll run into them, I want to move on and let go. Its time but I still have some pretty rough days and I know he is happier than he's ever been. He has not contacted me AT ALL in the past 8 months.

[LoveMyCat]

Just because you file does not mean you can't ask my your legal fees back as a part of the settlement. That is what I am doing. I told my lawyer how much I need, plus his (lawyer's) fee. Since I am asking for less than a judge would award me, I should eventually get it.

 

Really, as much as you are hurting, you are mouring someone who no longer exists. And since he didn't actually die, he does not deserve having you ruin your health over him. People change, we always hear that you can't change a person, but they do change all on their own. And men often are led by parts other than their brains. I have also read that men tend to remarry faster after a divorce or losing a spouse. I think they just get used to having a woman take care of them and at some point, any woman will do, as long as she is new and different. Ugh. But I doubt his new relationship will be full of butterflies and rainbows for long. Life finds a way in. And we already know he bails when he thinks he might like something else better.

[66Charger]

People say that men tend to bounce back quicker and remarry faster. One poster even insinuated that any woman would do. Ridiculous. There is a reason that GOOD Men bounce back. Look at the advice they are given. NC, hit the Gym, forget about her, shut it down, prepare for the single life, be the best you can be, make more money, look sharp. Make her regret the day she left you. And this is what they do. Their buddies do not bring them pillows and tissues. They dont spend all their time on this psychological bablycock. Their bros get them running. Get them out, not in.

 

A man will say "Fkac You and your loser boyfreind

 

Perhaps heavyheart you need to think like a Man.

 

SHUT THIS DOWN NOW.. So what he is not coming back. Dont waste another day, not another hour, not another minute, on something you cannot control.

 

You are simply wasting time. Start walking, if you are a able. Walk far. Run if you can

Get out there. Its been 8 months!!! He is not going to call and if he does, another man should answer the phone.

 

The sooner you start looking in the mirror and realising what a beautiful flower you are and will be, the sooner he pays the price. You actually believe you lost HIM!!

 

You should understand that he lost you. Thats what a good man would think and he would set himself down a path to make her pay for her stupidity.

But a funny thing happens on this journey.

You forget her name.

You forget her smell

You forget her sex

Someone new says hello.

Then she calls

You will get back to her later. ..maybe

 

What are you going to write in the rest of your life book? You control your destiny. What are you going to do with it?

 

Soon you will have a smile again, suddenly you see a different person in the mirror, suddenly you will not dread that you might see him out, you honestly wont care and more so, hope he does so you can just flip your skirt and laugh.

 

Your turn. Your Second Life starts right. About. Now.

 

This could be all wrong and others may tell you differently, but it is your life. How much more time will you spend on "that guy"

LUH

Edited October 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HeavyHeart15]

I'm struggling today. I want him to hold me in his arms but I know I will never know that feeling ever again. That feeling now belongs to her. I not only lost my husband but my best friend. How he can move on with her so quickly hurts deeply. The way he treated me and the words he said just baffle me every time I think about it.

 

We have history, we had a wonderful friendship, we knew each other for over 18 years. There was a deep love there. Since I left our home I haven't heard anything from him. Not once has he asked me if I'm ok. He didn't care about any of that. He was done and wanted nothing to do with me, didn't want to try to save what we had, he robbed us of a fighting chance.

 

I know I deserve better and most days I feel like I'm making progress and then I'm overcome with grief again and I don't know how much more I can take. I doubt he thinks about me, he's in love and living a full life. I had to leave my home and everything in it, waiting for the separation agreement to go through so I can get the means I need to start all over.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, one of those days

[sandylee1]

So why didn't he file ? Perhaps because of the settlement? Split of assets? If I were the new woman I'd wonder why.

 

In these 8 months, he probably has his cash well hidden. Get everything you're entitled to in the divorce. No need to play nice.

[Marc878]

Be ruthless during the divorce. Splitting that last penny.

 

 

Get as much as you can. There won't be a later.

[Mr. Lucky]

I doubt he thinks about me, he's in love and living a full life.

 

You're making a lot of suppositions about someone you haven't spoken to in 8 months.

 

At some point, you'll get tired of what you're doing and figure out he doesn't deserve your thoughts and attention. Lots of life left for you, what's to be done with it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HeavyHeart15]

Well the end is near. I am devastated, this is not what I wanted. I sign our separation agreement this week and will follow up with filing for divorce. I've waited long enough for him to file. I'm sure he's happy he doesn't have to now.

 

I'm scared and have never felt more alone in my life. He has found someone, has our home and everything in it. She will no doubt move in soon. What will become of me? I don't know, I'm lost. I don't know if I'll ever find love again or be free of this pain. I'm trying really hard to stay strong. I have nothing to show for half of my life except for a box full of memories I can't yet part with. How could he do this to us..... Why? I wish he was honest with me. I deserved to know instead he continually looked me in the eye and lied to me. He told me he loved me even more after he confessed. He begged me to stay in our marriage, wanted to move on. I believed every word. I forgave him and was never willing to give up on him. He suddenly decided he didn't want me after all. He let me begin to heal only to rip my life out from under me.

[trippi1432]

A wise person once told me that you have to think "with the end in mind". It was about project management at the time, but I also started thinking about how that theory affected my life before I ever heard that quote.

 

When people marry, two people are thinking with "an" end in mind. It can be one-sided, it can be a compromise. That is, after all, some of the struggle of marriage/relationships.

 

For both, the perfect ending would be "This is the person you will grow old with, the person you will raise your kids with, the person who will be there for you at your most vulnerable times and the one who will be proud of your strongest times, and vice versa". Then someone writes their own ending and takes a different path, that doesn't mean your ending was flawed or a failure, it just means that you need to re-evaluate the end of your life story, the hardest part of course.

 

Every person we have loved, comes with lessons....good and bad. It's easy to follow their path, to hold on, and think that they are the only end to our hearts or our life story, but they are not. Right now, it is easy to hold on to the bad. He changed the path, not you. However, you now have the freedom to write your own "end in mind". That is taking what was good about your marriage, about the things YOU cared about, the things that mattered, and giving those moments back to yourself.

 

It's easy to get angry, it's easy to be angry with ourselves, it's easy to be mad at ourselves when someone we loved hurts us. It's much harder to love ourselves....that's the heart talking from a hurt place.

 

It may take some time to see it all with some clarity (I was replaceable too) but maybe it's a good time to rewrite your end with YOU in mind. That can be taking each day one step at a time and every day giving back to YOU.

[HeavyHeart15]

He loves her, he doesn't love me. She won.

She has everything I ever wanted. He lied to me, disrespected me, cheated on me. I guess they were meant to be. To hell with me or my life, it's all about them. All about him. So selfish

 

It's not fair but it is what it is.

 

I don't understand why he didn't feel I was worth the truth from the beginning. We spent half of our lives together. He said that he didn't feel the same for the last 5 years. In all that time he didn't say a word about his feelings and how they changed. Instead he let me live a lie and took those years from me, I'll never get them back. He will have a family with her and now my window to have that is quickly closing. I hate him for stealing that from me.

 

They are together and are in love. From what I've heard she feels he is the greatest man on earth and" never felt like this before" is so lucky and will love each other forever *barf*

[stillafool]

Unhelpful comment is unhelpful.

 

Oldshirt didn't make a comment but asked questions. You don't know why Oldshirt asked the questions but called them unhelpful. The question were probably asked by Oldshirt to get more insight into her situation before Oldshirt offered advice. This is an open forum and I don't think it's helpful to police other peoples comments unless you are the Moderator.

[stillafool]

He loves her, he doesn't love me. She won.

She has everything I ever wanted. He lied to me, disrespected me, cheated on me. I guess they were meant to be. To hell with me or my life, it's all about them. All about him. So selfish

 

It's not fair but it is what it is.

 

I don't understand why he didn't feel I was worth the truth from the beginning. We spent half of our lives together. He said that he didn't feel the same for the last 5 years. In all that time he didn't say a word about his feelings and how they changed. Instead he let me live a lie and took those years from me, I'll never get them back. He will have a family with her and now my window to have that is quickly closing. I hate him for stealing that from me.

 

They are together and are in love. From what I've heard she feels he is the greatest man on earth and" never felt like this before" is so lucky and will love each other forever *barf*

 

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. You may find it helpful not to look at pictures of them online. Also tell your friends to not tell you what is going on with them because any information at this point will hurt you too deeply and prevent you from healing. Do you have friends and family to support you or live near you?

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you stillafool,

 

Yes, I have family and friends who have been incredibly supportive. I'm also seeing a therapist. It's hard not to look. I was doing ok but then my curiosity got the best of me. This has been difficult and despite the support I feel really alone.

[chew123]

HH15,

 

It has been a little over a year for me and I still can't help but be curious about how they are doing. Lucky for me they avoid social media since they are still kind of in affair mode since most of our friends and his and her family don't really accept them yet.

 

I can tell you that it really does help to ignore what they are doing. My son told me they were going on vacation and it set me back a little. I would rather not here anything about there lives.

 

But I totally get you being curious. If I had an easy outlet like facebook to check on them I don't think I would have the self control not to look. I would probably have to give it up all together.

 

I know its hard to believe right now but it will get easier with time. For people like us who were still in love it just takes a lot longer. We will get there.

[turnera]

Are you seeing a therapist?

[HeavyHeart15]

Hi turnera, yes I am seeing a therapist.