I've been replaced....

[turnera]

What homework is he/she giving you to rewire your brain away from the 'I have nothing/I've been replaced' talk going on in your head? Those kinds of negative thoughts usually need to be replaced with positive ones, which usually requires actual action on your part. She should have given you some assignments to change the direction of your thinking.

 

And how often are you going? At least twice a month, I hope?

[ufo8mycat]

Thank you stillafool,

 

Yes, I have family and friends who have been incredibly supportive. I'm also seeing a therapist. It's hard not to look. I was doing ok but then my curiosity got the best of me. This has been difficult and despite the support I feel really alone.

 

Grief isn't linear. Somedays you feel right back at square one.

 

But it has been 8 months, can you talk to your therapist about dealing with some of the negative thought patters? The "she has won", "he is so happy" kind of stuff?

 

She has won what exactly? I think your pain and anguish reflect how much you loved him. And that is okay.

 

I also have not spoken to my ex really since I moved out. Here you have to be legally separated for 12 months before filing for divorce so we still have a way to go. In reality, I dodged a bullet. Most days I get up, face the sunshine and see the opportunities that are there for me. Even if it is little stuff about not compromising about what I watch on television, have for dinner or go to bed!

 

But I still have my days when I long for his touch, kind word and compassion.

 

And I go with that feeling, as memory of how thing were. That there was once a time when things were amazing. Even if not at the end.

 

But now? even if I did get that hug it wouldnt be the same. And it wouldn't be for you either.

 

Have you tried a gratitude journal? I found finding the small things that I was happy about helpful.

 

But a day at a time. You can't ask yourself for anything more than that. The first year is awful. So my therapist says!

[ufo8mycat]

Oldshirt didn't make a comment but asked questions. You don't know why Oldshirt asked the questions but called them unhelpful. The question were probably asked by Oldshirt to get more insight into her situation before Oldshirt offered advice. This is an open forum and I don't think it's helpful to police other peoples comments unless you are the Moderator.

 

The topic of this thread is HH, not why she waited to get married. It is inconsequential to navigating how she feels about the end of such a significant relationship.

 

I am in a very similar situation and I know how much support helps and how dark the down days can be. Leading questions about how one came to be married isn't that helpful at this point. Even if one "should" have known better, the grief and pain is no less.

[LifesontheUp]

He loves her, he doesn't love me. She won.

She has everything I ever wanted. He lied to me, disrespected me, cheated on me. I guess they were meant to be. To hell with me or my life, it's all about them. All about him. So selfish

 

It's not fair but it is what it is.

 

I don't understand why he didn't feel I was worth the truth from the beginning. We spent half of our lives together. He said that he didn't feel the same for the last 5 years. In all that time he didn't say a word about his feelings and how they changed. Instead he let me live a lie and took those years from me, I'll never get them back. He will have a family with her and now my window to have that is quickly closing. I hate him for stealing that from me.

 

They are together and are in love. From what I've heard she feels he is the greatest man on earth and" never felt like this before" is so lucky and will love each other forever *barf*

 

Sending you some cyberhugs.

 

Look towards the future, one where you don't have to listen to his lies anymore and be grateful for that.

 

There is life out there after all you have been through. Believe in yourself. You'll have your own greatest man and feel lucky some time in the future. One step at a time.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support!

 

Therapy is helping somewhat. I'm trying to get to a place of acceptance. Forgiving him is impossible right now, I'd like to get there eventually. I suppose that will come easier once why this happened is revealed to me.

 

I need to let go and move on without closure, without an apology, without knowing that he is remorseful and regrets what he has done. I'm not the one who gave up. It was entirely his decision to end our marriage and be with her. He showed me his true colours and wow, how wrong was I about this man I spent half my life with!

 

It's hurts that he didn't believe I was worth the truth. I deserved to know. He eventually confessed for his own benefit. He wanted out and was hoping I would be the one to do it. You should have seen the shock on his face when I forgave him! What a fool I was. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum, who knows. What I do know is that he is a liar and a cheater who disrespected me for long enough.

 

I want to not care if what he has with the other woman is real love or not. There's no going back. He is not the man I married. I am going forward with the divorce. Things could have been so different and I will always love him but it is what it is and this is exactly what he wanted.

Edited October 17, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[Steen719]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support!

 

Therapy is helping somewhat. I'm trying to get to a place of acceptance. Forgiving him is impossible right now, I'd like to get there eventually. I suppose that will come easier once why this happened is revealed to me.

 

I need to let go and move on without closure, without an apology, without knowing that he is remorseful and regrets what he has done. I'm not the one who gave up. It was entirely his decision to end our marriage and be with her. He showed me his true colours and wow, how wrong was I about this man I spent half my life with!

 

It's hurts that he didn't believe I was worth the truth. I deserved to know. He eventually confessed for his own benefit. He wanted out and was hoping I would be the one to do it. You should have seen the shock on his face when I forgave him! What a fool I was. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum, who knows. What I do know is that he is a liar and a cheater who disrespected me for long enough.

 

I want to not care if what he has with the other woman is real love or not. There's no going back. He is not the man I married. I am going forward with the divorce. Things could have been so different and I will always love him but it is what it is and this is exactly what he wanted.

 

You have already made some progress, heavyheart. You know that there is no going back and that is a start to healing. It will take time, but your heart will be lighter again and one day, you will see him clearly for what he is and realize you are better off without someone who could do this to you.

 

Also, don't be so sure that things are wonderful between them. Neither value honesty or integrity, do they? Things are usually not as rosy as they appear with couples who start their lives on the pain of others.

 

Third, you were not a fool. You loved your husband and wanted your marriage to work. He is the fool, not you. Don't feel bad about yourself for being a loving, forgiving woman.

 

Finally, when and if forgiveness comes, it will be for you. Just as your pain does not seem to have an effect on him, your forgiveness is not for him, either. I would have never believed I could feel sorry and pity for my XH, but I did. Forgiveness came in increments and started when someone here wrote that resentment was like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. How true. I was in misery, he was off in his new life. My angst was just that, mine, not his. You will find a better place in your life in the future. Walk through the pain and heal yourself. At the other side is some peace.

 

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

[HeavyHeart15]

How do I finally ACCEPT my new reality? I feel sad, lost and very alone despite the support that surrounds me. I lost myself in him and I'm having a tough time trying to find who I am without him.

 

He has made his decision. He chose her. He has made it clear that he does not love or care about me anymore. I'm still in disbelief. Was he really himself with me, how long was he pretending and why didn't he feel that I was worth the truth, that I had a right to know. How selfish. How cruel.

 

He has yet to sign the separation agreement. I'm tired of this limbo. The stress is starting to effect my physical health and he is so not worth that. He is so not worth the tears and the space in my mind but I can't help it. He's there all day, every day. The question that never seems to go away is why?

 

I don't know that I'll ever be free of this pain. It's like my life was ripped from my hands and given to someone else. Tossed like a piece of trash.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sure you're familiar with the 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - of grief and perhaps have discussed them with your therapist. That you're moving through the sequence means acceptance will eventually come. Hope you're continuing therapy and discussing your feelings and challenges moving forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

I read your entire thread. It was a very hard lesson to learn, for me. That is, stop any and all contact, or possibility of contact. Mark the day on your calendar - and allow each month of successful No Contact to proceed (that means you have no opportunity to run into your EX or "the couple" at all).

 

My break-up was really protracted: d-day was December of 2008. Why it took me years to figure out I had a distinct pattern in my outings, shopping for basics, etc., I DON'T KNOW. But I did. That is how I came to see him so often in my area, he knew my habits. Saturday and Tuesday I shopped the grocery markdowns at 4:30 pm - then would pick up my wine at a local shop. When the Sunday liquor laws changed in my area, I could pick up my wine any day - then is when my pattern changed.

 

I am certainly not promoting wine drinking, only providing the example about habit and patterns. When my well-engraved shopping pattern changed, new events began to occur. Such took the form of drive-by's in and around my sub-division and withholding the alimony I greatly relied upon to support the expensive home (he walked away with the business that I helped him buy, that investment was to be our retirement, and took all our assets to purchase).

 

I figured out, finally, sending my funds, later and later, rather than the 1st of the month was a game - to get a reaction from me - even negative. I stopped REACTING with my plea (via email, text, and sometimes even a phone call) to "please send on alimony, I need to protect the credit rating, blah, blah, waw, waw." He would become nasty, or say something hurtful - then, hang up on me, even though I was perfectly business-like in my inquiry. I decided last January 2015, after one such encounter - that I was also "DONE."

 

Therefore I ignored the late payments, and drive-by's. Interestingly enough, the alimony receipt date became even later - the 18th, still not here? Then, my attitude became, "SO WHAT, IT WILL ARRIVE, IGNORE THE GAME, DO NOT REACT TO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TECHNIQUE." And I paid the late fees on mortgages - the heck with it. That is my problem, I decided, and I said to myself: "Next month, pull some credit rather than waiting, checking the post box every dang day for nothing, and no more depending upon (or expecting) the alimony payments to be on time, end of story."

 

I made it as impossible as possible for my participation in anymore gaming, be it his effort to rattle my chain, or my reaction to these events. I changed my phone number, and vowed never to contact him again, no matter what.

 

I even went so far as selecting a new town, about 10 miles away (near my therapist I see twice a week for a variety of reasons & issues now, 95% irrelevant to him, thank goodness). I do my grocery shopping and errands on these two days per week - and avoid my little neighborhood, unless it is an odd time, or evening.

 

After now, 10 months, I am so much more at peace! No thoughts, no crybaby, no nothing - he is a big ZERO as far as I am concerned. That is what worked for me. I got on with my own life, for the better. It is going to stay this way also, because I am healthier, more active, more alive.

 

If you should make a similar vow, per my suggestion, such often causes an upset of the apple cart, and there will likely be fall-out. However, applying such wisdom ultimately was responsible for getting this little rat out of my head. And essentially, this wisdom is stated thousands of time daily on this and like web-sites: "NO CONTACT." It is that simple.

 

I understand. My marriage ended after 26 years (some 32+ together), with a protracted 4 year divorce, he would not settle reasonably with me. Everything I believed and invested into for my entire career, and majority of my adult life.

 

"THE PAST." At some point, you gotta let go of it, and forward march. This is the method that allowed "me" to Let go, and move on.

 

I am getting to know myself again. It is wonderful. New people in my life like me and treat me kindly with respect. All about finding "me" again, after years of wrapping my happiness around a real mean little character. What a long journey. [Another great outcome - I am no longer focused on stock piling my wine for the week; which is quite evident by example of my shrinking waste-line!].

 

I hope this story helps you, sweetheart. You will be fine. I know you will. Yas

 

P.S. Hello my wonderful LS Community! It has been so long, but I am so much better!

Edited October 30, 2015 by Yasuandio

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you Yasuandio so much for your kind words and for sharing your story.

 

I feel like I'm making progress. I still have some very difficult days but I feel like I'm starting to shift my focus to me and my life. I'm trying not to obsess about them. For the last couple of days I've even felt like maybe I could find a way to forgive him and finally let go once and for all, not for him but for myself. My pain has no effect on him, it's only hurting me. I feel physically and emotionally drained. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Being stuck in the crappy legal back and forth isn't helping either. He hasn't signed the separation agreement yet, it's been 2 weeks. I don't know what that's about, he was in such a rush to get me out of the picture.

 

Thank you to everyone for saying I will get through this. I think I'm starting to believe it!

[Yasuandio]

Thank you Yasuandio so much for your kind words and for sharing your story.

 

My pleasure! I have been absent from LS for a long while, and the time is here to contribute the newer ideas I've come to learn.

 

I feel like I'm making progress. I still have some very difficult days but I feel like I'm starting to shift my focus to me and my life. I'm trying not to obsess about them.

 

That is so normal.

 

For the last couple of days I've even felt like maybe I could find a way to forgive him and finally let go once and for all, not for him but for myself.

 

I would suggest having a look at the pinned site in our section called "Critical Readings in Separation and Divorce (link in my signature line). Therein, you will find on the first page, post #3, some interesting dimensions of "forgiveness," as distinguished by Janis Abrahms Springs, Ph.D. I learned a lot from reading her book - most especially the "cheap forgiveness" that happened to be my pattern time and time, again (so fruitless).

 

There are other entries in this thread, as well, that you might find very enlightening.

 

My pain has no effect on him, it's only hurting me.

 

I had experience where I could not comprehend how the separation/divorce did not seem to effect former husband's fear of losing me, thatvhe seemed not to care. "His" not caring was actually, in my case, nothing new - when I got calm enough to focus on REALITY. The fact is, the straying spouse has had some time to process things - then took the plunge, not thinking long-term. It is about "self-gratification," (likely, honeymoon pleasure of a new partner), and...who cares about you when their is this side desert?

 

The other side of this equasion - you are taken completely off guard, and your procesding has just begun. Thenpirces eill fall into place ehen YOU MAKE YOURSELF YOUR PRIORITY. Again, easier said than done - takes time (like the time he took).

 

I promide you, darling, the honeymoon will wear off, and his head will crash a brick wall at that point, which is inevitable. Your job is to avoid the common pitfalls that help him justify his unacceptable conduct. See the "180's" for guidence on this area (also in link I suggested), and know that you are only human.

 

I feel physically and emotionally drained. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

Good. I feel the same way, and am acting on this feeling - moving myself on as a single woman. Life is too short. As one author states on this subject (Homer McDonald), apply WISDON in these circumstances - look at the positive of divorce. You are completely free - "men die on the battleground for freedom." Homer was so right, in my case. No more drama; no more mind-reading; no more wondering; no more mothering, coddling, nurturing a man that did not see my extreme value. It is much simplier and satisfying to care about me for once. I cook what I want, go where I want when I want to, dress how I like, associate with whomever I want - my time is mine (without any commentary). Done.

 

Good luck to the spouse that enters an affair with "another" participant willing to to assist in breaking marriage vows through such practices. The wondering spouse will have what they ask for: THIS CHARACTER TYPE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, in my opinion. It is fairly easy to predict what will happen next, as human beings tend to repeat the pattern their character describes. Who needs that?

 

Being stuck in the crappy legal back and forth isn't helping either. He hasn't signed the separation agreement yet, it's been 2 weeks. I don't know what that's about, he was in such a rush to get me out of the picture.

 

Here is what it is likely about: "stall, stall, stall." Rethinking, ambivalent, wants to be sure, not sure, confused, things not going as expected with new squeeze, keeping options open, and/or taken aback by your initiatives. A lot of years can be wasted in this limbo state - while he is evaluting whatever notion is in his mind. Stay firm - consider remaining proactive in getting the divorce, be done with it. You can always re-marry him, start over, if you/he so desire, right?

 

Please forgive me...based on experience and a great deal of research, I have become quite pragmatic in my viewpoint of a spouse's choice to go South - and truly believe consequences are the only teacher for those that do not value us good men and women that must tolerate such upheaval in our lives (Though, I do realize it is a unique situation in every case, and my advice is easier said than done.

 

Thank you to everyone for saying I will get through this. I think I'm starting to believe it!

 

Yes! Believe it! You have no other choice, really. And, when you believe in yourself, these events with have much less impact on you, hon.

 

 

I will look in on you. Keep strong. Yas

 

PS. Sorry about any typos, I am on a tablet and poor vision.

Edited October 30, 2015 by Yasuandio

[sandylee1]

How do I finally ACCEPT my new reality?

 

He has yet to sign the separation agreement. I'm tired of this limbo. The stress is starting to effect my physical health and he is so not worth that. He is so not worth the tears and the space in my mind but I can't help it. He's there all day, every day. The question that never seems to go away is why?

 

I don't know that I'll ever be free of this pain. It's like my life was ripped from my hands and given to someone else. Tossed like a piece of trash.

 

Is there a reason you're not moving straight to divorce? Rather than seperation?

 

Sometimes people say.....I never knew him etc...

 

I think often we do know the person ....but along the way..They change.....for whatever reason they just do.

 

Some people change for the better and others for the worse. As we age...We all change.

 

Some just change into cheaters.

[Marc878]

Just because he can't see your worth and value doesn't mean sh*t.

 

He's a cheater. That's what cheaters do.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the hill for these types. Don't you know that?????

 

Hold your head up and concentrate on making your life what you want it to be.

 

Sure it's hard and it's going to hurt and take time for you to get over it. Your new life is just around the corner and you'll be better off without him in the long run. It's the anxiety of the unknown. Try some things you've always wanted to do just for yourself. You may very well be pleasantly surprised.

 

Send him a message and tell him to get off his azz and get this divorce moving you have things to do and a life to live. His laziness is interrupting your schedule.

Edited October 30, 2015 by Marc878

[Hammie]

My husband and I were married for 7 years, together for a total of 18 years. We were best friends and I loved him with everything I had, everything that I was. He was the love of my life, he was my life. It's been 6 months since we separated.

 

Im sorry you had to go through this and I can sympathise with allof theemotions you are going through right now. I just had the exact same thing happen to me... being together for 18 years, married for 7, she finds someone else online and then just drops it on me that she wanted us to break up. Although my wife was a lot more devious, it puts you in an impossible position that you have to walk away from.

 

Im afraid I cant be any real help however. I know that the friends who knew you both will probably be saying they dont want to be seen taking sides and a few of them will drop off the face of the planet and youll never hear from them again. I know that you will have dayswhen you feel you did the right thing and other days where the memories of your life together will sting you when you least expect it. I know that cold creeping feeling in your skin and the empty stomach you feel when times are bad.

 

Unfortunately, its normal for this type of thing. You probably feel betrayed and cant understand how they could do this to you. your ex may well appear in your dreams and everything is ok and life seems fine, then you wake up and realise its a dream. I expect you want to unload on your ex and go over the conversation in your head over and over until it consumes your quiet time. You may be doubting you will ever find someone you can trust again and wondering if youre going to spend the rest of your life alone. You may not know how to move on.

 

Im going through the same things myself, so some of this may not apply, but I can relate to your experiences. if you find the way to deal with it, please let me know.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you so much for your replies.

 

He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that night I packed up everything I could and moved out the following morning. A week later I initiated the separation process. Looking back I suppose I should have gone straight for a divorce but it is what it is. I do plan to file as soon as he signs the separation agreement. He is aware of this. According to my lawyer if all goes well, the divorce should be final early next year. Where I am, we have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce is granted. I can't wait for that day, what a relief that will be.

 

It's over, done. Half of my life gone. I didn't get a say. I've never felt so worthless, sad, scared and angry in my life. To be so easy discarded like a piece of trash. He has not once asked me how I am. He's completely cut me out of his life. I was in the way, I didn't matter. There are times when my life seems surreal like did this really happen, is this my life? I hope that this hits him one day but maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. He clearly got what he wanted, me, my heart and my life be damned.

 

I pray for courage, strength, hope and most of all patience for everyone going through this. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

[Marc878]

Go as completely dark as you can. Read the 180.

 

This is going to hurt but you need to start somewhere. No contact will help you get through this quicker.

 

Think of it like this. He doesn't deserve another second of your life.

 

Do some of the things you've always wanted. Pour yourself into extra education or interests. Make you life what you want. You will get through this.

 

You try and have a great weekend too.

[minimariah]

just a thought - could he be prolonging the separation because of finances? be careful, if you didn't have a talk about your assets and money -- he could be getting rid of them right now so he'll enter the separation/divorce setlement with less to share with you.

 

he isn't your friend, keep that in mind. that means, be aware of the fact that he'll try to trick you.

[HeavyHeart15]

just a thought - could he be prolonging the separation because of finances? be careful, if you didn't have a talk about your assets and money -- he could be getting rid of them right now so he'll enter the separation/divorce setlement with less to share with you.

 

he isn't your friend, keep that in mind. that means, be aware of the fact that he'll try to trick you.

 

Fortunately we've taken care of who gets what. I've already signed, now it's his turn.

[HeavyHeart15]

Major setback today. I saw photos...they ripped my heart out. I am in agonizing pain. He is happy and in love 8 months later they are still together and I am in misery. In limbo waiting for the means to begin again.

 

My parents are home so it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to fall to my knees and lose it. I want to scream and cry. I don't want to be alive right now. I'm drowning.

 

She is everything I am not. She makes him feel wanted and happy. He wanted me gone. He told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He checked out long ago.

 

I feel fat,ugly,stupid and alone. I feel like I will remain an empty shell until I die.

Edited November 1, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[Yasuandio]

Major setback today. I saw photos...they ripped my heart out. I am in agonizing pain. He is happy and in love 8 months later they are still together and I am in misery. In limbo waiting for the means to begin again.

 

My parents are home so it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to fall to my knees and lose it. I want to scream and cry. I don't want to be alive right now. I'm drowning.

 

She is everything I am not. She makes him feel wanted and happy. He wanted me gone. He told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He checked out long ago.

 

I feel fat,ugly,stupid and alone. I feel like I will remain an empty shell until I die.

 

Darling, we all understand where you are. Many in the exact same shoes.

 

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME:

 

It is at this moment, your dignity is at state. You are going to pull yourself together - you have to do it.

 

Stop the "Crazy-Making" by not disturbing yourself with momentos. GET THEM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT - IMMEDIATELY.

 

There is an author that is currently posting some free, short on-line articles about how to cope with the shock of infidelity. Please look up these articles by Dr. Huizenga.

 

He speaks of how this situation has nothing to do with you, or how you look, who you are. It is HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. This you must understand. Do not beat yourself up like this: you have a beautiful soul - these things you are saying about yourself and the predicament are not true at all.

 

It is about HIS selfishness, and only his little world right now. That "world" is gonna crash and burn into a brick wall - should you pull yourself together, and neutralize your viewpoint, position, and emotions. This is critical.

 

Please, hear my words and use my advice. You absolutely have to remove yourself from the "Crazy-Making," and you will have "some" relief. There will be even more relief once you can solidify your position as neutral, per this author.

 

Another well-known writer in this field, Michelle Weiner Davis (Divorce-Busters), suggests "Act as if......" Say nothing now, "act as if" you are perfectly fine, you will get past this, and you accept the reality. Your best steps, in the coming weeks will be responding - with silence, if necessary.

 

Pack your bags and get out of town, if possible, with your family. You need to get your support system in place. Tell them what has happened to you - lean on them, they love you.

 

Get out of the "reactive" state, even if you must fake it for now. Then, you will be in a position to "RESPOND," rather than REACTING to these events. The time is not now. It will come.

 

You are a wonderful, lovely, irreplaceable woman. Get that in your head. Even on the forum, you are well liked - look at all the great responses received from your post. We care and value your membership at LS. I know everyone here will back me up on this statement.

 

Let us know you are ok, and consider the suggestions I've provided herein. I keep my eye out.

 

It will teke some time, but you will be fine, hon, believe me. Yas

Edited November 1, 2015 by Yasuandio

[sandylee1]

Just remember that no other person on this earth defines you. You can live your life without him....and the truth is that him speaking to you in such a cold manner says so much about the kind of person he is.

 

What goes around comes around......don't you worry.

 

Think of it this way....if he'd have dropped dead.......would you never think you couldn't move on ?

 

The 1 year seperation? Does that also apply where infidelity has happened? I thought that was grounds for immediate divorce.

[Hammie]

Someone reminded me recently that for the last 18 years, my ex did find me attractive. the same is true for you, so its not you that is the problem.

 

If he had a problem with your relationship, it was his responsibility to communicate that and not persue other partners.

 

The fact that he did shows how he failed your marriage.

 

Its HIS fault this has happened. You cannot control what other people do. If they decide to play away from home, then they are the ones at fault.

 

I find that putting my wifes indiscression in those terms makes it easier to place the blame for our breakup at her door. Like you, I had to face momentos and photos, and I cant look at them without feeling emotional, but I keep in mind its HER fault. She gave me some flimsy excuses for us separating and before I had even moved out she started having sex with her new guy.

 

There is nothing you have done wrong, and im sure you will some times have days like this. on those occasions, tell yourself that this is his fault and that if he had meant the promises he made on your wedding day and probably countless other times that he loved you, then he had no excuse for having an affair other than he was selfish.

 

Hope you have a better evening.

[HeavyHeart15]

Yasuandio, sandylee1 and Hammie, thank you so much for your words.

 

Yasuandio, I will look into the authors and articles you suggested.

 

The pictures I saw were of the two of them together. Our photos, letters, gifts, my wedding dress, jewelry etc. I have put in a closet in another room where I don't have easy access to it.

 

My therapist has pleaded with me to not go looking online but my curiosity gets the best of me.

 

Unfortunately I can't afford to go anywhere right now.

 

I know this is his fault. I still can't believe the way he treated me, the words he used, the way he looked at me. I'll never forget the way he made me feel. I don't know him anymore. I miss the man I married and my best friend. He's dead. Gone. I remember he looked at me when I had finished packing and said "you'll be ok"...I wanted to tell him where to go but I just sat there stunned.

 

This isn't fair. He's moved on with her without skipping a beat. I can barely move. I'm drained physically and emotionally. I don't know where to begin or what on earth I want to do.

 

The one year separation is the easiest route and the cheapest. Claiming adultery will require us to go to court, she would have to be involved and it would just become a long drawn out mess.

 

They know what they did. Do they care? Hell no.

 

I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm so tired.

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this thread and for responding with your words of support, encouragement and experience. Please God give me strength.

Edited November 1, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[Yasuandio]

What a moron, trying to ease his own guilt. That makes me want to barf.

 

HH15, famous last words, and you can believe them too: "You'll be OK." You see to that.

 

Close the FB accounts, and block them everywhere. Do not get on-line for anything except self-help and attorney. And I would not let him off so dang easy, either. You could consider stating the adultery grounds, and come to a negotiation, so to avoid a trial. The facts are the facts. Not your problem, you cannot help what the facts are, that's just how the system works. A little exposure can really screw up an affair, take all the fun outta it. Again, not your problem.

 

Do not let this man take your home, and walk all over you. That is one reason you are down - you allowed him to kick you in the teeth. That statement, "you'll be ok," while you were leaving your own home due to his unacceptable conduct, really galls me. Toughen up, but do it with a confident smile.

 

We are here with ya, all the way. Let me know what you think of the "charging neutral" technique (I sort of do this technique naturally, by instinct, now, myself). But took years to get it through my thick skull what relief was possible by consistently applying the basic "non-reaction posture."

 

Have a good rest tonight. Tomorrow, you become a new woman, and no more looking at the on-line nonsense. You can agree that the affair is a good idea, that will throw him for a loop. I realize, it sounds counter-intuitive, but the affair IS a good idea: he will find out, sooner or later, how valuable you are. Mark my words! Yas

[HeavyHeart15]

This is an incredibly difficult week for me.

He has signed the separation agreement. Tomorrow I file for divorce.

 

Who knows if being served will even phase him. I imagine he's anxious to get this whole thing over with.

 

I feel sad, helpless, angry, exhausted. I've been physically sick for the past couple of days from all this stress. My nerves are shot and my heart is broken. This is it. It's over. Half of my life gone. Was it worth it? Does he really love her? I don't know. I just want to let go, I'm having such a hard time doing that. I pray for acceptance.

 

I am proud of myself for leaving, for filing the separation agreement and now filing for divorce. I hope he realizes that I have self respect and worth and I wasn't going to take his BS. I suppose you could say I made this easy for him but I took back control and the relief will be worth every penny when he's no longer a part of my life. I will fall apart but I will be ok...eventually.