Women that lose interest if guy doesnt make a move on her

[Male]

When you have a man and a woman that have gone out on a few dates, why do many women lose interest or change their view of a guy if he doesnt make a move within the allotted time frame that she expects? Different women handle the situation in different ways. Some women will just jump his bones, some women will send out blatant signs, but theres a lot of women that just lose interest in the guy like flicking a switch and no longer care to date him anymore.

 

For the women that just lose all interest, why do you do that? If you liked the guy or were attracted to the guy enough to get to that point, I dont understand why you just throw it all away?

 

Why do women like that lose respect for guys if they take longer than usual to make a move? And how long is normal? Are women simply comparing to past guys they've been with? If you are expecting to find a respectful long term relationship shouldnt you expect that the guy would take a bit longer before getting physical?

[mrldii]

Alas, I am one of those women. I expect any man I'm with to have enough confidence in himself and enough knowledge of social *rules* that when I'm returning his signs of attraction and sending him signals of my attraction, he will appropriately act on them.

 

If he doesn't, I assume he's not interested or he's socially awkward or he's too shy/insecure. Whatever the reason, it's a buzzkill for MY attraction and it naturally fizzles.

[carhill]

Why do women like that lose respect for guys if they take longer than usual to make a move?

Each woman is different; in general, women find men who are assertive in life to be attractive and that assertive being attractive stuff spills over into romance. If she doesn't get the sense that she has him in that sexual way, and quickly, it's like a rejection.

And how long is normal?

Depends on the woman. If she's a woman who finds a man attractive immediately, he better not dawdle. If it takes her more time or she processes attraction in a more deliberate fashion, then he has a window of opportunity. For myself, I've met mostly 'immediate' ladies. If I'm off by a few days or a week, boom, done. On to the next guy. I came to see that as normal.

 

Are women simply comparing to past guys they've been with?

IDK, they want what they want. More iterations can hone that process, sure.

If you are expecting to find a respectful long term relationship shouldnt you expect that the guy would take a bit longer before getting physical?

Timing doesn't have to have bearing on long term relationship success. Synergy, more bearing. That can come in a few seconds or months. Depends on the people.

 

I boil it down to one word - timing.

[Male]

Alas, I am one of those women. I expect any man I'm with to have enough confidence in himself and enough knowledge of social *rules* that when I'm returning his signs of attraction and sending him signals of my attraction, he will appropriately act on them.

 

If he doesn't, I assume he's not interested or he's socially awkward or he's too shy/insecure. Whatever the reason, it's a buzzkill for MY attraction and it naturally fizzles.

 

I dont think confidence really has anything to do with it. A guy could be very confident in himself but not want to blow it by moving too soon. And I can pretty much guarantee that most of the women that would fit into this category that we speak of are the same type of women that would lose interest if the guy wanted to "talk" about it and lay it all out on the table.

 

From my experience there seems to be two types of women in this case...one type is willing to openly communicate with the guy on how each other feels and where they stand....and the other type insists on the guy picking up on all her non-verbal signs and knowing exactly what she wants.

[mrldii]

I dont think confidence really has anything to do with it. A guy could be very confident in himself but not want to blow it by moving too soon. And I can pretty much guarantee that most of the women that would fit into this category that we speak of are the same type of women that would lose interest if the guy wanted to "talk" about it and lay it all out on the table.

 

From my experience there seems to be two types of women in this case...one type is willing to openly communicate with the guy on how each other feels and where they stand....and the other type insists on the guy picking up on all her non-verbal signs and knowing exactly what she wants.

 

Oh, my bad. Your OP suggested that 'these types of women' and 'this type of behavior' was baffling to you; taking it as such, I identified myself AS one of 'those women' and explained to you how it makes ME feel and why I do what it is I do.

 

Again, I take it as a sign that either he's not interested OR that he's socially awkward OR that he's too shy/insecure to be able to navigate *normal* adult interactions, including those filled with sexual energy and mutual attraction.

 

No, I don'twant to "talk about" why we're experiencing a mutual attraction; no, I don'twant to discuss the whyfores and wherefores of whence it came; and, no, I don'twant to dissect what all of it might mean in the Grand Scheme of Things.

 

If it IS true that I am "wrong" (as you've now assured me I am)...oh, well then...I will have written off a man/many men due to a perceived and errant sense of incompatibility. No biggie.

 

There's plenty of adorable and adoptable cats waiting for a good home at the Animal Shelter, so I will have served some sort of useful purpose before my time on Earth is through.

 

[BlueIris]

For me, the reason is that I don’t get turned on by leading in the physical side of the relationship. Chalk it up to a sexual compatibility issue.

[carhill]

In general, men are presented with obstacles in life which we adapt to and overcome and are socialized to be competitive and success-oriented more than collaborative and team-building, at least in my generation. I tended to view confidence as a more nebulous thing; often, when I put myself out there, being assertive, I was scared to death. Over time, with repetition of the assertive behaviors, even if sometimes defeated, confidence in the effort rose. This is how men adapt and overcome.

 

It just occurred to me that the quiet and unassuming guy who parented me actually got it right but he had an advantage that I'll never have. He faced death tugging at his elbow for a number of years and had a quiet assertiveness and confidence which grew out of surviving that and overcoming the obstacles. To him it was normal and apparently wasn't something he felt pertinent to pass along to his son, the lessons in facing fear and adapting and overcoming.

 

All those things can be or are part of the dance of romance with a woman, even if they take place on the subconscious level. Women like a certain aura about their men and, if he's a no go, then nothing goes. 'Making a move' is part of that aura. If one thinks about the comparison, a woman rejecting a man, for whatever reason, pales compared to what he faces in his life otherwise. That was the lesson I missed as a young man because I led a soft life, one my parent's generation fought and died for.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody likes rejection. It hurts.

 

 

When I 1st started dating DH he didn't kiss me until our 3rd date. I did not know what to make of that & concluded that he didn't have any sexual attraction toward me. Who wants to date somebody if the other person isn't turned on by them? It feels like rejection

 

 

If DH hadn't kissed me or even given me the opportunity to kiss him, I was fully prepared to dump him after that 3rd date.

 

 

Dating is about getting to know somebody but it's also about expressing & acting on physical attraction. I can hang out with male friends but I only kiss etc. now my husband then my BF.

 

 

It's not so much that she loses interest. It's that she acts in self preservation & walks away from a situation where the guy isn't compatible with her.

[Male]

Again, I take it as a sign that either he's not interested OR that he's socially awkward OR that he's too shy/insecure to be able to navigate *normal* adult interactions, including those filled with sexual energy and mutual attraction.

 

 

Why would you or any other woman assume the guy is socially awkward....rather than think maybe he's taking his time and doesnt want to give you the wrong impression that he's just out for sex like 1000 other guys?

 

MOST women are vocal in one way or another that they want to take things slow, and "get to know you first". You may prefer a guy that is more on the aggressive side, but I just dont get why a woman wouldnt communicate openly with a man, rather than just dump him overboard because he's not picking up her nonverbal cues.

 

And I also believe that most guys dont actually "pick up the vibe or signs" that a woman wants him to make a move....most guys just do it because they want to, and typically do it even when she doesnt want him to make a move.

[d0nnivain]

Male

 

 

I can't speak for other posters, but I wasn't talking about sex. I was talking about 1 kiss. Also "moves" can include handholding or even putting an arm around the woman.

 

 

For me, if I am not getting any romantic physical contact I'm not sticking around.

 

 

I certainly won't put up with unrelenting pressure for sex in the early dates. I have no problem with the initial ask but not somebody that seems to only be focused on sex.

 

 

There is a happy medium between chaste celibacy & a interaction based solely on sex.

[Phoe]

All in all for me I'm best off when a man takes his time to make a move.

 

There IS a limit though... an ex of mine took over a month to kiss me and I definitely started to wonder if he just wasn't interested.

[d0nnivain]

an ex of mine took over a month to kiss me and I definitely started to wonder if he just wasn't interested.

 

 

A month???! Wow Phoe. You are more patient & understanding then me. I was ready to dump DH if he didn't kiss me on our 3rd date. Fortunately for me he did. Granted I really vamped up the sex factor of my outfit that night: very short skirt, high heels etc. My attire on our 1st two dates had been more conservative: linen trousers & a long skirt

[xxoo]

It's fully possible to make attraction clear without rushing into sex. A lot can be communicated with a kiss alone. Add in words, non-verbal communication, and chaste but loaded touch and it should be abundantly clear that he is attracted.

 

If the signs of attraction are absent, then it is healthy to lose interest.

[RoseVille]

Alas, I am one of those women. I expect any man I'm with to have enough confidence in himself and enough knowledge of social *rules* that when I'm returning his signs of attraction and sending him signals of my attraction, he will appropriately act on them.

 

If he doesn't, I assume he's not interested or he's socially awkward or he's too shy/insecure. Whatever the reason, it's a buzzkill for MY attraction and it naturally fizzles.

 

Yup, this. I assume lack of strong enough interest or insecurity/shyness, either of which just kills it for me.

[Phoe]

A month???! Wow Phoe. You are more patient & understanding then me. I was ready to dump DH if he didn't kiss me on our 3rd date. Fortunately for me he did. Granted I really vamped up the sex factor of my outfit that night: very short skirt, high heels etc. My attire on our 1st two dates had been more conservative: linen trousers & a long skirt

 

I wanted to say 2 months, but I'm actually a bit fuzzy on the timeline since it's been a few years. Maybe month and a half is a good compromise.

 

In a sense, I was accustomed to being patient because with my exes before him, they'd taken a bit of time as well, a couple weeks worth each.

 

But nearly 2 months was making me feel like I was friendzoned. Then again he took off not long after our first time, so perhaps the long amount of time it took was a red flag, his interest truly wasn't that high!

 

He did at one point admit that he felt pressured to find a girlfriend, since all his friends were getting married, and he wanted to fit in. I was the lucky chosen one

[elaine567]

If the signs of attraction are absent, then it is healthy to lose interest.

 

^^^ this^^^

No-one is going to stick around, if he is staring out the window, or he is checking out other women, or it is blatantly obvious he has no desire to touch her at all, or his actions are those of a platonic friend.

Many women seem to have a good idea of who is fundamentally attracted to them in a dating situation, even if it is just subtle smiles, looks or nods.

If good positive signals are not there, she loses interest to protect herself.

[DJOkawari]

Some girls prefer you to make the move early, some prefer it later. People aren't actually in control of their emotions, so if she feels a certain way after you've done something...that's entirely out of both of your controls. It's dumb, but it is part of the game. To me, the dichotomy is to figure out if she's interested and shy or not interested.

 

I had a tough one yesterday, it was a first date with an extremely confident lady and we ended up back at my place and she had "defensive" body language. Arms crossed, sitting little away from me, I'm leaning back on the couch and she sitting up right - not relaxed, plus she wasn't touching her drink at all. For me, that means I'm going to keep my distance and be as friendly and comfortable as possible. She was alone with me at my place for the first time...some people would be intimidated. Turns out, she was little shy but primarily she was cold. The rest of the night was...the opposite.

 

So, it's entirely down to chance if you're trying to "pick the best moment" but the alternative is, if she seems like she's having fun and you guys are on a date, make sure the conversation and ambiance are appropriate and go for it. If you made your move too early, just apologize and be smooth about it. Given those qualifications I listed earlier it shouldn't be a deal breaker even if it is too early in her mind (and this way you can't be too late).

 

And about that whole: "Why won't she just say it?"...I have to ask: "Why kill the mood?"

Edited August 15, 2015 by DJOkawari

[RoseVille]

^^^ this^^^

No-one is going to stick around, if he is staring out the window, or he is checking out other women, or it is blatantly obvious he has no desire to touch her at all, or his actions are those of a platonic friend.

Many women seem to have a good idea of who is fundamentally attracted to them in a dating situation, even if it is just subtle smiles, looks or nods.

If good positive signals are not there, she loses interest to protect herself.

 

Yes, we're also pretty good at picking up a lack of interest or insecurity.

 

If those signals are consistent, meaning a few dates of the same thing, I'm over it.

[E-Squared]

I have had something like this happen to me before, but then again, I will go on record and say that the relationship was not really a relationship, if you know what I mean. I remember how in the past, there was this girl who liked me, and I seized this opportunity because I was depressed, bitter and lonely, so I thought that if a girl liked me, I would like her back instantly. One day, she took me back to her place and all we did was hang out and talk. I did not make a move because I was not sure what she wanted me to do.

 

Two weeks later she dumped me, though we were not really a thing. She told me how I did not make a move on her when I had the chance. I was like, "How was I supposed to know about this?" Of course, being that I knew her through a mutual friend, the friend had told me that she sort of slept with guys a little too easily. This was only in a two-week period, by the way. I will say that I was not into her, I admit that, but she seemed like she expected me to know what to do. Guys are not mind-readers, in fact, nobody is. I guess that is why I can never really see when someone is interested in me or just being nice.

[xxoo]

You may prefer a guy that is more on the aggressive side, but I just dont get why a woman wouldnt communicate openly with a man, rather than just dump him overboard because he's not picking up her nonverbal cues.

 

It's not dumping him for not picking up on nonverbal cues. It's dumping him because she's lost interest. Interest must be mutual, and sure, interactions can affect interest in both men and women.

[carhill]

OP, my apologies.... I was looking at this topic without seeing these important words in their literal context:

 

When you have a man and a woman that have gone out on a few dates, why do many women lose interest or change their view of a guy if he doesnt make a move within the allotted time frame that she expects?

 

 

I got a schooling in this by a young mother who, after a couple dates, when I gave her a warm and lingering hug goodnight, commented 'oh, a hug'. To me, the virgin dater, I was being assertive and asking her out on dates and building intimacy. To her, I was, apparently, as slow as molasses because, well, she was used to the men who had been having sex with her and the one who gave her a couple of cute kids. She ended up marrying the UPS guy (true story!) within the next year. Better match.

 

My reticence in that iteration, now some 20+ years ago, and even today, springs from a few really bad experiences when young and women lying about their marital status. Even if I was attracted, I was, and to a certain degree still am, loathe to make any obvious moves, even if they agree to going on dates. Flashbacks, I guess. I got a reminder of that a couple years ago when a lady I didn't know, then, was openly flirting with me. I didn't respond and the brief period of opportunity passed and I did get to know her and, wait for it, found out she was married! She's not now (divorced) and we occasionally still do a bit of dancing in the interaction area but she quickly moved on to another man as most women in my demographic do and I wouldn't see her as a potential partner anyway. Why? Because she was flirting with me while she was married. I'm done with that part of my life. If women see that as lack of interest, OK, accepted.

 

This is where the guys who think with their penises will never have any problems of this sort and where my advice to younger guys to feel more and think less applies. Take the shotgun approach. The more deliberate rules-based approach is lousy for success, in my demographic anyway. Toss the rulebook out and enjoy life.

[Male]

Yup, this. I assume lack of strong enough interest or insecurity/shyness, either of which just kills it for me.

 

I dont understand how women can accuse guys with such labels when most women are actually more insecure/shy with said actions than men are.

[elaine567]

I dont understand how women can accuse guys with such labels when most women are actually more insecure/shy with said actions than men are.

 

Why shouldn't a woman label a guy as insecure/shy if she feels it is true?

[Male]

 

This is where the guys who think with their penises will never have any problems of this sort and where my advice to younger guys to feel more and think less applies. Take the shotgun approach. The more deliberate rules-based approach is lousy for success, in my demographic anyway. Toss the rulebook out and enjoy life.

 

I agree with that. But correct me if I'm wrong....isnt it a huge double standard when MOST single women say......

 

"Every guy I meet just wants to jump right into physical/sex...why cant I find a man that likes me for me"??? Yet when they are out with a guy that is trying to get to know them, they are sitting there wondering "Why hasnt this guy kissed me yet, why hasnt this guy made any moves yet, this guy must be lame".

 

I am not exaggerating either....EVERY woman that I have talked with aobut dating, or went on a date with has complained that every guy they meet just wants sex or wants to jump into a physical relationship.

 

I truly believe that as a guy you are damned if you do and damned if you dont when you deal with most women.

[carhill]

OP, with due respect, attraction, or 'interest', isn't a math problem which has one solution. It's not logical and there is no one answer and there are a whole lot of labels and double-standards and incongruities and miles and miles of frustration and disbelief. SNAFU. That's where 'think less and feel more' applies. Or maybe chaos theory. Heh.