Women that lose interest if guy doesnt make a move on her

[d0nnivain]

Physical contact seems to be the "only" benchmark for most women to determine if a guy is interested...why is that? Do words mean nothing since women have been burned by so many guys in the past?

 

And in the world outside this thread, majority of women are on their soap box wishing they could find a guy that isnt about jumping right into a physical relationship.

 

Physical has multiple connotations. The women railing about men who only want to jump to the physical are lamenting that certain guys only want sex. What I and many women on this thread are trying to get through to you, is that we want PG rated physical contact to confirm interest: hand holding, hugs, & a good night kiss. We are not saying that we think that men should push us to get naked immediately.

 

 

You have said that sometimes it takes you 3-4 dates to determine if you want to kiss a woman. That is your time frame. Fine. It's not mine & I was ready to bolt because I hadn't been kissed on the 1st 2 dates. Again, for about the 4th time, it's about compatibility. You need to find a woman who operates at your pace, which is not the bulk of the women discussing this with you on this thread.

 

 

And yes, actions do speak louder then words. A man can tell me he's interested until he's blue in the face but if he doesn't call, doesn't act chivalrous, doesn't want some physical contact (again hand holding, kisses etc) and fails to take any initiative, his words are empty lies because they don't match his actions.

[elaine567]

Physical contact seems to be the "only" benchmark for most women to determine if a guy is interested...why is that? Do words mean nothing since women have been burned by so many guys in the past?

 

Nobody said that, but as the thread is about physicality, then obviously that has been the topic of discussion.

[elaine567]

and yes, actions do speak louder then words. A man can tell me he's interested until he's blue in the face but if he doesn't call, doesn't act chivalrous, doesn't want some physical contact (again hand holding, kisses etc) and fails to take any initiative, his words are empty lies because they don't match his actions.

 

yes

>>>>>>>>>>>

[bachdude]

Well, it has been interesting reading how some woman interpret a guy who moves more slowly when making a move. It helps explain why they fade, etc.

 

Thinking about it, I never lost a girl to moving slowly, even though later they expressed that they were wondering when I was going to make a move and wondered if I actually liked them.

 

But then again I didn't date a large number of women (I was very focused in college on my career), so my experience may not be representative.

 

However, my experience is that if a women really is interested in a guy and likes him, she tends be more patient with his pace, if he takes his time to make a move.

 

I do think, however, there is wisdom in not jumping into a physical relationship too quickly. As I said before, that style of relating has bit me in the a#* more than once (thinking of a particular psycho!!)

[bachdude]

I (meaning me, not you or anybody else) like decisive men who feel chemistry & who act on it. I want somebody who was physically demonstrative.

 

But d0nnivain, forgetting for a moment about what we "like", just "acting" on chemistry can also be a sign of impulsiveness, or acting on a whim or feeling without thought. A guy who wants to kiss you but just gives it a little more time may be showing self control and patience, which are good healthy traits for a long term relationship.

 

It may not be the most romantic way to proceed but it does have it's positive side.

[d0nnivain]

bachdude

 

 

You make a valid point & I can't fault the logic of it but logic & love are a tough combo. The dizzying sensations of a budding romance often over ride common sense.

 

 

I have always been able to assess a man's character in other ways. I don't need him to be too patient or exert too much self control by withholding affection in the beginning. I need to know that I can make him lose control.

 

 

Again, I'm not talking about sex. A guy who presses for sex too early gets no points from me. If a guy can't take no not yet for an answer I left.

 

 

I am talking about a goodnight kiss. Apparently my pace is faster then some but honestly, other then DH I never had a guy who didn't give me a goodnight kiss. Remember I was 39 when I met DH so that is a long time & a lot of men. I'm not above making the 1st move, but DH wasn't even giving me an opening. That's what made me unsettled & lead me to believe he didn't like me.

 

 

The night I met him I was unsure because he wasn't acting like any other men I had ever met. I gave him plenty of opportunities. After our 1st date I cried on a dear male friend's shoulders because I was so convinced that DH didn't like me.

 

 

The bottom line remains unchanged: the two people need to be on the same page. Incompatibility precludes a healthy LTR

[AD1980]

And on the flip page, a guy isnt allowed to hold back and asses the woman, determine if she's woman enough to meet his criteria. He gets labeled and criticized for holding back.

 

In our society, EVERYTHING seems to lean on the guy having to prove his worth...and its always assumed that the woman is worthy by default.

 

Yeah I can see why women want to keep it this way..They get to protect their egos and feelings early on while it's on the guy to be vulnerable early on while she judges.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I guess women want to retain their power of just having to say Yes or No to things

[mrldii]

I guess women want to retain their power of just having to say Yes or No to things

 

Absolutely.

 

Here in the U.S., the right to autonomy is granted every person - male and female - at the age of 18...absent of a court-order directing otherwise, of course.

 

"Whether we like it or not."

[serial muse]

Absolutely.

 

Here in the U.S., the right to autonomy is granted every person - male and female - at the age of 18...absent of a court-order directing otherwise, of course.

 

"Whether we like it or not."

 

Yes, exactly.

 

The power of saying yes or no to things doesn't have to be a zero-sum game.

[bachdude]

bachdude

I need to know that I can make him lose control.

 

Ok, I can see your point.

 

One last question: If you know you can make him lose control, what confidence do you have that another woman couldn't make him lose control if the right chemistry were there?

[d0nnivain]

One last question: If you know you can make him lose control, what confidence do you have that another woman couldn't make him lose control if the right chemistry were there?

 

 

In the abstract I don't. But to the best of my knowledge I have never been cheated on. So I never worried all that much about men I was dating straying. This is going to sound more egotistical then I mean it to but I'm a pretty good catch: slim figure, pretty face, smart, funny, loyal & reasonably good in bed. And many men I have known over the years tell me I also speak Martian, meaning I can communicate more like a man, direct & forthright.

 

 

I never mastered the coy girl games. I can play but I'm no expert, If I am unhappy in a relationship my partner knows when I became unhappy, why I'm upset & he usually gets clear directions about how to stop it. I don't "test" men. I talk about my expectations & then evaluate how well they are being met. But it's not one sided, if my man wants something within reason I'm willing to give it a shot.

 

 

For example: DH hates the beach. I could live there. Out of deference to his dislike for it, instead of spending every summer weekend there & every vacation, we alternate. Beach vacations & city vacations. I only drag him about 4x per year.

 

In the beginning, my attitude has always been if we can get each other's motor's running and there is more to it then just physical the guy will stick around.

 

 

In college I flitted from boy to boy because it was fun. Post college I was a serial monogamist. I went from 1 long term relationship (2+ years) to the next, usually pretty quickly without a lot of random dating in between. I was single for about 2 years before I met DH & even then I served as "stand in" date for about 6-7 of my guy buddies meaning I'd go to weddings, business parties & other dated events with them just so they didn't have to go alone, but no monkey business. I did have a few other dates in there & this is when I tried OLD.

 

 

Have read these boards for a while now I realize that I am extremely lucky that I didn't have the struggles many people face so I may not be the best person to understand the struggle but I think sharing various experiences helps everyone.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Absolutely.

 

Here in the U.S., the right to autonomy is granted every person - male and female - at the age of 18...absent of a court-order directing otherwise, of course.

 

"Whether we like it or not."

 

Maybe I should say power of just having to welcome or deny advances, controlling the pace of things

[mrldii]

Maybe I should say power of just having to welcome or deny advances, controlling the pace of things

 

Oh, if that's the issue, I don't know what to tell you; you'll have to take it up with the people who decided that if a woman gives *it* up too easily she's "a slut" or "a whore" and if she holds on to *it* for too long she's "a prude" or she's "frigid".

 

You may have to take a number/wait in line a bit, though, before getting any answer. Those same people are still busy working on establishing the proper derogatory labels for men who similarly give *it* up too easily or hold on to *it* for too long.

 

 

 

Anyhoo, back on topic: OP, have any of these answers as to why some women lose interest if a guy "doesn't make a move" helped you understand it any better? Have you learned how to better identify the women who do appreciate men - like you - who prefer to hold back and wait a bit?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Oh, if that's the issue, I don't know what to tell you; you'll have to take it up with the people who decided that if a woman gives *it* up too easily she's "a slut" or "a whore" and if she holds on to *it* for too long she's "a prude" or she's "frigid".

 

You may have to take a number/wait in line a bit, though, before getting any answer. Those same people are still busy working on establishing the proper derogatory labels for men who similarly give *it* up too easily or hold on to *it* for too long.

 

 

 

Anyhoo, back on topic: OP, have any of these answers as to why some women lose interest if a guy "doesn't make a move" helped you understand it any better? Have you learned how to better identify the women who do appreciate men - like you - who prefer to hold back and wait a bit?

 

I wonder if I have been socially conditioned, had bad influences on me growing up that made me detest the gender the role that guys have to be the initiators, make the first move and ask out, they say that emotionally-healthy guys have no problem being the initiators, so I wonder what is it that is wrong with me

[RedRobin]

I never liked guys who were too pushy. Its been a very long time since I believed that equated to actual attraction. Lots just do it just to see if they can. Nothing behind it really. Not sure why so many women are fooled by that.

 

 

These days, lots of people just seem to be going through the motions. Without a lot of thought.

 

 

I like smart men who aren't terribly impulsive. I believe that if a guy acts impulsively with me, he's likely that way with lots of other women too... or would be, if given the opportunity. I consider it a character flaw, not a compliment. Not because I have a history of being cheated on.... but because I've worked around all men my entire adult life... and been hit on by plenty of men with wives and girlfriends. I see how lots of them are.

 

 

So, I don't kiss strangers. I don't eff strangers. And if HE does, then I guess there's lots more fish in the sea for him. I can't say I've had too many problems finding BFs either.

 

 

For me, confidence comes from him knowing he can wait and the discipline and social skills to keep my interest without getting physical right away while we get to know each other (and the same applies to me). I know when a guy finds me attractive.

Edited August 22, 2015 by RedRobin

[mrldii]

I wonder if I have been socially conditioned, had bad influences on me growing up that made me detest the gender the role that guys have to be the initiators, make the first move and ask out, they say that emotionally-healthy guys have no problem being the initiators, so I wonder what is it that is wrong with me

 

I don't know that there is anything "wrong" with you; socially-accepted gender roles are just that: socially-accepted, until they're NOT, anymore.

 

Just remember: whatever gender roles being assigned to your gender that you detest, there are [at least] just as many gender roles being assigned to your opposite gender that many of us are not real fond of, either.

 

So, we ARE all in this little boat, together...whether it's sinking OR sailing on to smoother waters.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I don't know that there is anything "wrong" with you; socially-accepted gender roles are just that: socially-accepted, until they're NOT, anymore.

 

Just remember: whatever gender roles being assigned to your gender that you detest, there are [at least] just as many gender roles being assigned to your opposite gender that many of us are not real fond of, either.

 

So, we ARE all in this little boat, together...whether it's sinking OR sailing on to smoother waters.

Do you know women that detest the gender role that they are expected to be passive and wait?

[bachdude]

In the abstract I don't. But to the best of my knowledge I have never been cheated on. So I never worried all that much about men I was dating straying.

 

After reading your post I realized that we all have a tendency to relate to others based on our past experiences. The way I approach this issue has a lot to do with my past experiences as well.

 

Just one more thought. It may just be a kiss goodbye but I remember a woman in particular I had dated and I could tell she liked me (hope that doesn't sound egotistical). I went in for the kiss and I still remember her reaction: her eyes just lit up, and she was so giddy, like a school girl. It was really cute. In my dating years I guess I just wanted to be careful. It's just a kiss but it can mean so much.

 

I enjoyed reading your post! And good job on your learning Martian! haha

[mrldii]

Do you know women that detest the gender role that they are expected to be passive and wait?

 

 

Ummmm...yeah. Several of them. ONE of them I know on the most intimate of levels and see every time I pass a mirror.

 

I detest it so much I have never conformed to it. It's just one of the reasons I'm often called a "ball-buster" and "feminazi".

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Ummmm...yeah. Several of them. ONE of them I know on the most intimate of levels and see every time I pass a mirror.

 

I detest it so much I have never conformed to it. It's just one of the reasons I'm often called a "ball-buster" and "feminazi".

 

So you have made the first move, approached guys before, initiated conversations with guys you were attracted to before?

[mrldii]

So you have made the first move, approached guys before, initiated conversations with guys you were attracted to before?

 

 

Absolutely. I have never subscribed to the premise that 'going for what one wants' is reserved for the Boys Club...and that girls should just stay out!

 

And, before doing so and while in the midst of doing so, I am reading him and sizing him up to make sure he's NOT the type of man who will feel emasculated by it or feel the need to scream "Feminazi!!!" while pointing at me, simply because I've let him know I find him attractive and date-worthy.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Absolutely. I have never subscribed to the premise that 'going for what one wants' is reserved for the Boys Club...and that girls should just stay out!

 

And, before doing so and while in the midst of doing so, I am reading him and sizing him up to make sure he's NOT the type of man who will feel emasculated by it or feel the need to scream "Feminazi!!!" while pointing at me, simply because I've let him know I find him attractive and date-worthy.

 

Awesome, and have you gotten great responses from the guys you have initiated with?

[mrldii]

Awesome, and have you gotten great responses from the guys you have initiated with?

 

Yup...I've had the same results you men who initiate do: some were successful ONS, some were short-lived-but-fun-while-they-lasted relationships, and one actually even married me.

[Male]

Absolutely. I have never subscribed to the premise that 'going for what one wants' is reserved for the Boys Club...and that girls should just stay out!

 

And, before doing so and while in the midst of doing so, I am reading him and sizing him up to make sure he's NOT the type of man who will feel emasculated by it or feel the need to scream "Feminazi!!!" while pointing at me, simply because I've let him know I find him attractive and date-worthy.

 

Theres nothing wrong with women taking the initiative. I will never understand why more women dont do it. They would rather hide behind old-world excuses, stating its "the mans job" to approach. But I truly think many women are just so damn afraid of rejection that they couldnt possible do it, all the while sitting on their high horse judging the men that approach them. Another item in the long list of double standards for such women.