Lack of communication leads to infedilty?

[StillHurtin]

My mom called and we were discussing her neighbor who's H had an A on her three times. She took him back twice but after the third time she divorced him. My mom told me she was watching a religious tv program and the minister said the number one reason why a spouse has an A is b/c there is little, or no communication between the spouses. I know I didn't listen or talk to my H much unless it had to do w/ our children, work, family, or things like that, but when he discussed golf, baseball, I just wasn't really into that discussion and he knew it. The OW he had an A w/ was into sports, she played softball also. I have never been into sports, and H knew that b4 he asked me to marry him. I knew he was big into sports, and I said I would marry him knowing he loved sports. I didn't grow up in a family where there was a lot of sports. My dad, and my brothers were into cars, not sports, so I never got into it myself. I was into horses w/ my oldest sister. The kids in school knew I didn't like sports so of course in PE I was second to last to always be picked for a team b/c I didn't like sports, and I didn't care or tried to be good at sports and they knew it. My mom made me really think about what I was doing wrong. Even though I don't like sports, I should be more interested in what he has to say about them.

 

B4 my H's A he was playing golf three to five times a day and left me and the kids on our own. He played on a men's league, there was no couple leagues, that I knew of. But I sucked at golf so I never played w/ him. We maybe went on the driving range and shot a few but that was rare. My H also played men's softball three times a week also but we went to watch his games. So, H wasn't home much and I practically raised our children alone.

I tried playing co-ed softball one year b4 our children were born and got so embarrassed I never wanted to do it again. I actually hit the ball and as I ran to first base, well, let's just say I didn't have on the best bra for running, lol. One of the guys we were going to play w/ asked me if I had black eyes from running to first base! I never wanted to play again after that. I am a shy person, and I don't like to be made fun of, so when he said that, I refused to play again. H was ok w/ it, he understood how it made me feel.

I do go out and play ball w/ my children but that is far as I want to go. I don't want to play on any teams, I just want to have fun w/ my kids w/o everyone's eyes on me and my boobs, lol.

 

So I realize now that since I didn't care to communicate w/ H about his sports was one of the reasons he had an A. Not saying it was right, but I can see why now he found the OW exciting, b/c she loved to the samethings he did, and she was a lot more outgoing than I am. But he has me wondering.....if he knew I didn't like sports, and didn't want to play, why did he want to marry me? Why didn't he find another woman who was interested in the samethings he was. His last two serious GF's b4 me were cheerleaders, I was far from being a cheerleader. I was more of a Tom Boy. I loved cars, and horses, not sports, and certaintly not a cheerleader. I am not an unattractive person. My H said I was hot the very first night I met him and asked me to go to a party w/ him. He didn't try anything and he was the one that called me first and wanted to start seeing eachother. He still calls me sexy, and a hottie, so I know it wasn't my looks that led him to the OW, it was that I didn't care to communicate w/ him about sports.

[krbshappy71]

Having things in common is good, yes. But cheating to have sex with someone who is "into sports" is ridiculous in my opinion. I think you are looking to give him a way out, which would make you feel better if you thought he had a legitimate excuse. But he doesnt. He cheated, betrayed you, and anyone who truly loves you wont do that to you, I dont' care if WHAT hobby they have. Cheating is wrong, in my opinion. I don't care about the circumstances that lead to it, the excuses people make for it, its just wrong. You can accept this behavior and stay with him if you choose, its certainly not a choice I'd make. Thinking to yourself that you should have been "into sports" or "talked sports" with him to prevent what he did is sad.....to me that's like saying "if he was just into quilting, and talked to me about quilting, I wouldn't have cheated....but then this hot guy came along who was into quilting and I just couldn't help myself!" So if you were in the same situation, are you saying you would cheat? Of course not. (well I would hope not anyhow,) Its ridiculous. Some people cheat. Some people don't. Some people learn to forgive cheating, others don't. Personally I don't tolerate it...nor would I tolerate excuses from someone and try to justify it for them by saying it must have been my fault they did it. But...that's me.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by krbshappy71

Having things in common is good, yes. But cheating to have sex with someone who is "into sports" is ridiculous in my opinion. I think you are looking to give him a way out, which would make you feel better if you thought he had a legitimate excuse. But he doesnt. He cheated, betrayed you, and anyone who truly loves you wont do that to you, I dont' care if WHAT hobby they have. Cheating is wrong, in my opinion. I don't care about the circumstances that lead to it, the excuses people make for it, its just wrong. You can accept this behavior and stay with him if you choose, its certainly not a choice I'd make. Thinking to yourself that you should have been "into sports" or "talked sports" with him to prevent what he did is sad.....to me that's like saying "if he was just into quilting, and talked to me about quilting, I wouldn't have cheated....but then this hot guy came along who was into quilting and I just couldn't help myself!" So if you were in the same situation, are you saying you would cheat? Of course not. (well I would hope not anyhow,) Its ridiculous. Some people cheat. Some people don't. Some people learn to forgive cheating, others don't. Personally I don't tolerate it...nor would I tolerate excuses from someone and try to justify it for them by saying it must have been my fault they did it. But...that's me.

 

krbshappy, I understand what you are saying, and thank you for replying. I am not saying b/c I wasn't into sports, or talked, or listened to H talk about it gave him the reason to cheat, I just kind of know now why he did what he did. Ya know, I never, in a million years, thought my H would have an A, but I did tell him when I seen things between him and the OW getting to close for comfort (he would talk about her a lot and she would flirt w/ him at work) that if he EVER had an A on me he would be out that door faster than his head could spin. I told him I will not tolerate him having an A and if he did, the kids and I would be gone. Well, he filed for a D a few years later and then his A started w/ the OW. I packed up our things (my kids and I) and moved out. My sister found me a house to rent right away and we were gone as soon as my kids finished up the school year. About 2 months later he called begging me to take him back. And what did I do? I caved. I told him, though, I was happy were I was at, loved my job, and I wasn't moving back there so he had choice. If he wanted the M to work he would have to make a lot of changes. A lot of ppl asked me how I could of taken him back and I told each of them they never know what it's like until it happens to them. My dad (who has been married to my mom almost 50 years) said he wouldn't know what he would do if my mom had an A. He said he can't tell me what he would do b/c it never happened. For those who have ended their M b/c of infedilty, WTG! For those who have stayed and tried to work it out, WTG for you too. It is hard either way.

[krbshappy71]

Ah, see, it was this line, in particular, that struck a chord in me:

 

He still calls me sexy, and a hottie, so I know it wasn't my looks that led him to the OW, it was that I didn't care to communicate w/ him about sports.

 

And I just hate to think you'd take this on yourself....that you would find excuses for his behavior. Everyone has to make decisions, as you said, depending on their circumstances. I hope it does work out for you, I just worry that as time goes on you will turn it to yourself, the blame, and that's not where it belongs, hon. He made a mistake, and the ball is in your court as to whether or not you accept it and move on. I would just advise you don't turn it around and believe the mistake was YOURS. There are people who have been through tougher situations and still remain faithful....so I just found it hard to believe "it was that I didn't care to communicate w/him about sports" you know?

 

I hope others reply, I'm sure there's several more points to be made besides mine and it'd be interesting to read different perspectives.

[wanting to heal]

My wife and I are reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It was suggested by our counselor.

 

My wife had a one night stand, not an affair. I have had to deal with it and I take it as a mistake because she has shown regret. It was just a sign of all that is wrong in our M.

 

Last night our chapter was on recreational companionship. We all work hard (at the office or at home) and fo rmen the golf game, softball game, etc is our release. For her is may be dinner and a movie. We want our wife to be a tomboy, but also be pretty and feminine. It is hard to have both, but that is what we want.

 

As I write this my wife is watching TV (again) and I am in here on a relationship board. Not having things in common is a killer to your M. Maybe men are just from Mars and women are from Venus. Conversation is important to your relationship, but what is there to talk about when you have very different interests? I just went in and talked with my wife about my day for about 15 minutes. She is in her jammies and in bed at 8:30. I tried to talk to her about hern day, but she just worked out at the gym, watched TV, went to the store and made dinner. I want to hear about her day but there is not much to tell. So... I go watch TV, but not in the BR with her because she only wants to watch HGTV. That is seperation and it is not what a relationship is about. Unless we have sex or I give her a back rub (which I do five times a week) I will not see her again for the rest of the night.

 

I need friendship and companionship. Women often think that men only want that from men. No, we still want to be around the woman that we have the hots for. Otherwise a man can get the hots for a woman he is around.

 

Read that book.

[sylviaguardian]

I agree with this. Having things in common is important as it gives a platform for 'good times'. This is probably how the A with stillhurting's husband started off. If two people are together, getting a buzz out of what they are doing, it leads to positive feelings that can escalate.

 

Stillhurting, I think you have identified one of the weaknesses that led to the affair. When two people stop doing things together that they enjoy, the only things that they do together become mundane and you see a different person to that happy person who enjoyed things. That's not to say that it's your fault at all, because you don't like sports. The trick is to find something that you and your h really do enjoy together. What sorts of things did you do together when you were dating?

 

Sylvia

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

So I realize now that since I didn't care to communicate w/ H about his sports was one of the reasons he had an A. Not saying it was right, but I can see why now he found the OW exciting, b/c she loved to the samethings he did... I know it wasn't my looks that led him to the OW, it was that I didn't care to communicate w/ him about sports.

 

Bullkrap! Men cheat for sex! That's what they find exciting. Talking about sports has nothing to do with it. What they meant by "lack of communication" refered to frequent arguments and inability to understand each other's needs.

[MiChick43]

B4 my H's A he was playing golf three to five times a day and left me and the kids on our own.

 

Just an opinion here but seems to me as if your H didnt mind being away as much as he was. If anyone was neglected it sounds like it was you. Golf three to five times a day??? Then baseball three times a week? When was he around to be a H and allow you to be a wife?

 

 

 

So I realize now that since I didn't care to communicate w/ H about his sports was one of the reasons he had an A. Not saying it was right, but I can see why now he found the OW exciting, b/c she loved to the samethings he did, and she was a lot more outgoing than I am. But he has me wondering.....if he knew I didn't like sports, and didn't want to play, why did he want to marry me?

 

 

Im sure he married you because he loved /loves you. But dont believe that the reason he had an affair is because you dont like sports. It sounds like to me that he has pretty much allowed you to take all the responsibility for his affair. No matter what the reason, it was wrong. And I dont see where he was home enough to really get the support and attention he felt he needed.

 

 

Please do not take offense to this . I am glad you put some rules down and are working on your marriage. I do not see you as a fool for taking him back. You have a marriage and children with this man. But......I would set some limits on his out side activities. There are plenty of things he can do with his wife and his children off a golf course and baseball field.

[I Survived]

I'm half way through reading a book right now entitled "The Script" by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer. Let me tell you it is a real eye opener. How many times, ladies, has your husband come home from work...you are on the phone, the kids are doing their own thing, and there's not even a hint of supper being prepared. Your husband says, "jeez, I guess nobody cares that I'm home" you say (or think) what a baby, why do you have to be so needy.

You have just participated in Act 1, Scene 4: pre-separation separating and set in motion how he will react the first time a woman expresses appreciation for something he does. He will have that "wow, that felt good" moment and he starts separating himself from you, your children, and your home life.

Now, before anyone jumps all over me and says, I'm not going to be his submissive doting woman jumping through hoops to make HIM feel good, I've got to tell you, it makes sense. I look back on my part in my husbands affair. He was absolutely, positively PRIME for that woman who stepped into our lives and played with him for six months. I valued him, but I never told him (communication stillhurting???) If I was on the phone and he came into the room, I dismissed him, sometimes scowled and shh'd him. I made a list of things for him to do and displayed it on the side of the fridge. Fact is, I can clearly identify my part AND there were plenty of signs that he was acting out the script.

He's on a business trip right now which required him to stay away over the weekend so I've been busy stripping wall paper and painting and it gave me plenty of time to think about what I've read so far. When he called me this morning I had just finished writing down my thoughts. I apologized to him because I contributed to his unhappiness which lead to the affair and if I had paid attention to the signs that were clearly right in front of my eyes, I could have stopped him before he went further than hello with her.

Being in a relationship takes work and it's my responsibility to pay attention and not take the other person for granted. My darling was wounded time and time again and I just thought he was being unreasonable. He communicated that there was something wrong but I just thought he was angry about something - It couldn't possibly have anything to do with me.

I'm sure there are those of you who will say, it wasn't your fault that he strayed, there is never a reason to step outside of the marriage but I don't agree. I didn't deserve what happened, and he was wrong to do what he did, but it does not surprize me that it happened anymore.

I think everyone should get a copy of this book - couples should read it with an open mind. I'll be you can see yourself and I'll bet it may generate a lot of COMMUNICATION between couples.

[MiChick43]

Still Hurting,

I am going to pick up a copy of that book. It does sound interesting. I do know when my ex boyfriend, aka husband for two days, had his affair and ran off I was pretty busy with my two kids. Both young teenagers. But at the time they had to come first. Now that I am in a new relationship I want things to be right.

 

I still have a little problem with accepting any part of his affair as my fault. No I was not there as much as I should have been. I totally agree that his not getting the attention he should have from me gave him more reason to cheat. Ill agree to causing some of the issues leading up to his affair. But I can not take any part of the blame for his relationship with the OW. He had a choice to step over that rock. He never once told me or tried to tell me he felt neglected. I guess its a pretty fine line . We can blame ourselves for the emotions that possibly lead up to an affair but we dont push them into bed with anyone.

 

I will pick up that book. Im in a good solid relationship right now, engaged. I have been both the OW and the W. I will never be the OW again, it hurt the W very much and to this day I feel bad about it. I was 25. Ive been cheated on and left for the OW. I have much to learn about a good stable relationship. Im hoping to pick up some good hints here. Thanks for the input on the book. Anymore you can tell us???

[I Survived]

MiChick43

I have also been the OW as well so imagine my horror when I discovered the man I cheated with cheated on me. It's funny (odd not haha) because once I discovered his affair I knew all the moves he had made with the OW. It was a repeat of our affair. He's very charming. Big diference, they never had sex (not for trying) but they could never hook up. She's married and I guess it was her second affair, hubby watched her like a hawk. My current husband and I were both married and he left his wife and two kids. My husband moved out. His children were 15 and 12, mine were 16 and 14. We carried along a lot of guilt for all the pain we caused our families. It took a very long time for us to believe that we deserved to be happy. (That's one of the good things that came out of his affair - we finally recognized that we still felt guilty and let it go). We married after being together 9 years and had only been married a year and a half when floozie came along.

I can understand how you feel that children have to come first. I agree with you to a point. I have a daughter who's been married for almost 4 years now. She and her husband are beginning to talk about starting their family. My daughter and I have a very close relationship (I was her maid of honor - she was mine). I tell her to remember that her husband comes first - always. The children will be much better for it. They will see a mom and dad who are loving and close and it will make them feel more secure. Both my children are gone from home now and now there's just the two of us. Don't think that I don't feel badly about my ex. He has never remarried. We still have a great freindship and we still talk about our kids and grandkids. There are times that I think that it wasn't so bad with him. And I gave up too easily. He is a good man but arguements and differences of how to discipline our son drove us apart.

I know that raising kids is exhausting and at the end of the day we just want peace and quiet. But you have to look at the man sitting across the breakfast table and remember that he needs to be valued and his ego needs to be fed. and I'm saying that like it's a bad thing.

My husband has been traveling so much, he's only home on weekends. One night when he was home I woke up and heard him snoring. I propped myself up on my elbows, chin in hands and just listened to him. It was music. When I told him that I did that, he was so happy.

[MiChick43]

We all have a history dont we? Sigh.

 

I was married 7 years and had an affair with our builder. He was married and he and his wife became friends of ours. His wife always wanted to do things with me and spend time with me. Looking back I know she was just keeping an eye on me. He had had another affair before me. My ex husband was very abusive physically and verbally. When our builder paid attention to me I was in heaven. I had married three days out of HS. To a man 11 years older then me. He was very controlling and I never felt that I developed into my own, ya know? I had a child when I was 19 and then again at 21. At 25 I started the affair that lasted 3 years. We saw each other if not every day then every other day. He only mentioned once about being together someday.....I never brought it up. It really never entered my mind. My ex husband found out and in return he told the wife of the man I was seeing and told her. I felt so bad. I called the wife and told her that I was wrong, and that I would never contact her husband again, and I never have. Of course she didnt care what I had to say, and I dont blame her. But something in me had to apologize.

 

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 years when we married. Two days after we married I had all his stuff packed up and ready for him to leave. I found out he had met someone online over a year earlier and was seeing her big time. That was a mess. But about 8 months after he left he called and wanted to come back. Feeling vindective and knowing she was hurt. She was calling, leaving letters on my door (thinking he had moved back) I took him back. Only to get even. After a mo I asked him to leave again. I guess in my mind I had to show her what goes around ends up coming around. She felt the hurt I did when she , knowingly, had an affair with my fiance. I regret this childish behavior, but what is done is done.

 

I have a lot of regrets with that relationship. And part of me still cares for that man. But I know he is not good for me. He has issues with lying. Serious , sick lying. So even though we have talked Ive stayed away from him.

 

I met a wonderful man a bit over a year ago. He has been divorced 6 years now. He is supportive and sweet and something inside me believes he is totally faithful. He cherishes me to death.

 

I am trying to take all my past mistakes, learn from them and make this relationship work. I come here and read to learn of others mistakes and how they have learned and moved on.

 

Life is short. All I want to do now is be happy and not make anyone else unhappy. I learned from my affair that I could never do that again to another woman. Yet I completely understand how people can get into that situation.

 

My kids are much older now and I dont believe that kids at their age come first. My dtr is married with a two year old and my son is 21 with a life of his own. Of course I love them and would die for them, as we all would our children, but things change as they age. Its easier to put our S/O totally first.

 

When I was with my ex boyfriend, the one that left for the other woman. My kids were younger. My ex wanted to be completely number one. I couldnt do it.

 

I am going to get that book. Sounds good. Thank you for sharing!