How does love change into hate so fast?

[broken25]

I am hurting. I was with my fiance for 2 years, and he just cut me out of his life like I never existed. I won't lie, we had a rough relationship with a lot of ups and downs - but at the end of it all, I didn't expect him to end it like this.

 

2 weeks ago, out of the blue he told me to leave him alone. Totally confused, I left him alone thinking he might need a little break and then we could talk about things. But he didn't contact me for 5 days, and then I contacted him to ask what was going on. He said everything was my fault, and he refuses to drag this crap any longer. I was so confused, I asked him what I had done. He said, I didn't deserve to know and that if I continued to ask him, he would 'rip me apart and disrespect me' - so it was in my best interest to not ask. Every time I'd call him, he would tell me I was annoying, and that he didn't have time for my BS anymore. He was a 'busy guy' and regrets that he ever treated me nicely. I still pleaded to know what went wrong, and he laughed saying if I was merely looking for closure - he wouldn't' give me that, he'd rather have me go insane thinking what I had done and then he hung up the phone on me.

 

I just don't know what I have done, but am sitting here feeling like every little mistake I made in this relationship was my fault and somehow led to this day. But even if everything was my fault, how can you just CUT someone out of your life like this - who you claimed to love so much? I just don't understand. 2 days before he began ignoring me, we were both acting SO in love. I don't understand what happened. It's driving me crazy. I messaged him again to ask what had happened, but he's still ignoring me. I'm so, so upset. On top of all of this, he acting all happy on social media. Talking about how happy he is with his life. How he's planning a trip, and here I am crying, lost, and confused...

[hoping2heal]

You said "lots of ups and downs" but did not elaborate.

 

Has he always been sadistic and cruel, or is this new?

[broken25]

You said "lots of ups and downs" but did not elaborate.

 

Has he always been sadistic and cruel, or is this new?

 

Towards the end of our relationship (so recently) I had told him that I had been suffering from depression, and that I needed help. He tried to support me a couple of times, but after seeing that he was taking my depression personally (saying things like, "I feel like I am bad partner", or "you wouldn't be depressed if you loved me") I stopped talking about my depression with him and have been struggling with it in my own. Maybe he didn't want to handle the depressed version of me?

 

I haven't seen him this way before - and he claims that I made him this way.

 

Maybe he got tired of me? I don't know what I did. I didn't cheat. I don't have friend, I never go out. I've just been depressed, sad, suffer from paranoia and am insecure. I don't know, is that the worst that someone can be?

[Arieswoman]

Broken25,

 

He said, I didn't deserve to know and that if I continued to ask him, he would 'rip me apart and disrespect me' - so it was in my best interest to not ask. Every time I'd call him, he would tell me I was annoying, and that he didn't have time for my BS anymore. He was a 'busy guy' and regrets that he ever treated me nicely. I still pleaded to know what went wrong, and he laughed saying if I was merely looking for closure - he wouldn't' give me that, he'd rather have me go insane thinking what I had done and then he hung up the phone on me

 

You should be very, very glad that you aren't seeing this nasty, sadistic POS anymore.

 

Please stop worrying about what you did wrong. No-one can make a relationship work all by themselves.

 

IMO he has some kind of a personality disorder but I wouldn't like to speculate about what that is.

 

Now, enough about him, let's concentrate on you - are you getting treatment for your depression?

Are you getting enough sleep/exercise? Exercise, even if you don't feel like it, is good for depression. Are you eating properly?

 

I would get some counselling. I think we all want closure when a relationship goes wrong, but sometimes we have to get it ourselves.

 

It sounds to me that you have been in a verbally abusive relationship for some time and could have PTSD. Please talk to your medical advisor about this.

 

Good luck x

[aloneinaz]

You dodged a bullet here sweetie. Could you imagine if you'd married this guy? His actions say it all.

 

 

Now.. grab your self esteem back and VANISH from this guys life. You're only looking desperate by continuing to contact him and it's stroking his ego. Use your pride to let go of this guy. As it was mentioned, it takes two people to make a relationship work. You said it was an up/down relationship and then he pulled this BS.. Be GREATFUL you don't have to deal with this train wreck anymore.

 

 

Get some counseling to help you navigate thru your depression recovery. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy was causing some of it. Un-healthy, toxic, dysfunctional relationship can cause havoc on anyone's mental health. Worry about you and NOT what this guy thinks or says about you. His actions demonstrate that he's the LAST person who's opinion you're concerned about.

[broken25]

Broken25,

 

 

 

You should be very, very glad that you aren't seeing this nasty, sadistic POS anymore.

 

Please stop worrying about what you did wrong. No-one can make a relationship work all by themselves.

 

IMO he has some kind of a personality disorder but I wouldn't like to speculate about what that is.

 

Now, enough about him, let's concentrate on you - are you getting treatment for your depression?

Are you getting enough sleep/exercise? Exercise, even if you don't feel like it, is good for depression. Are you eating properly?

 

I would get some counselling. I think we all want closure when a relationship goes wrong, but sometimes we have to get it ourselves.

 

It sounds to me that you have been in a verbally abusive relationship for some time and could have PTSD. Please talk to your medical advisor about this.

 

Good luck x

 

But he made it seem like everything was my fault. I understand that I have flaws but why would he end it in such a cruel way? He could have just told me he wasn't feeling it or whatever but I don't know what I did to be told that he would 'rip me apart'. I just don't get it. Now I feel guilty for being depressed and sad during our relationship but I swear I couldn't control it. I tried to do whatever I could but he kept telling me that I never loved him enough. I told him that everyone loves differently and he said he doesn't want my crappy version of love I guess I didn't know what love was but even so... it was so mean of him to end things this way.

 

I have not yet done anything about my depression. I constantly feel scared. I want to contact him but I'm scared he will yell at me again. I'm just having a hard time accepting all this. My depression isn't even a concern to me anymore. I just spend day and night reflecting over my behavior and what I did to to make him hate me so much...

[stillafool]

Don't you dare call his simple butt again to ask what happened. Just be glad this happened because he does not know how to communicate. Being with a person like him would be sheer hell because communication is one of the most important elements in marriage. He doesn't deserve any more of your attention. How long have you been engaged?

[broken25]

You dodged a bullet here sweetie. Could you imagine if you'd married this guy? His actions say it all.

 

 

Now.. grab your self esteem back and VANISH from this guys life. You're only looking desperate by continuing to contact him and it's stroking his ego. Use your pride to let go of this guy. As it was mentioned, it takes two people to make a relationship work. You said it was an up/down relationship and then he pulled this BS.. Be GREATFUL you don't have to deal with this train wreck anymore.

 

 

Get some counseling to help you navigate thru your depression recovery. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy was causing some of it. Un-healthy, toxic, dysfunctional relationship can cause havoc on anyone's mental health. Worry about you and NOT what this guy thinks or says about you. His actions demonstrate that he's the LAST person who's opinion you're concerned about.

 

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him. He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him. He said if he doesn't see any effort from me then he's gonna think I was the biggest regret of his life. He used to be so nice to me. How could he just change so quickly I don't understand. I think he tried to make the relationship work more than I did, and he once told me he would teach me a lesson? Maybe he's punishing me now for not loving him as much as he loved me. I feel so guilty. It was all my fault. How do I stop feeling this way.

[broken25]

Don't you dare call his simple butt again to ask what happened. Just be glad this happened because he does not know how to communicate. Being with a person like him would be sheer hell because communication is one of the most important elements in marriage. He doesn't deserve any more of your attention. How long have you been engaged?

 

We were together for two years but got engaged only 3 months ago. Why would he end it like this. I don't get it.

[MidwestUSA]

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him. He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him. He said if he doesn't see any effort from me then he's gonna think I was the biggest regret of his life. He used to be so nice to me. How could he just change so quickly I don't understand. I think he tried to make the relationship work more than I did, and he once told me he would teach me a lesson? Maybe he's punishing me now for not loving him as much as he loved me. I feel so guilty. It was all my fault. How do I stop feeling this way.

 

You get your depression under control first. Much of what you're feeling has its roots in your depression. Follow Arie's steps above. It will take a step out of your comfort zone to do it, but you'll be glad you did.

[Gus Grimly]

We were together for two years but got engaged only 3 months ago. Why would he end it like this. I don't get it.

 

There's no point for you to ponder endlessly "WHY?". What will the answers bring you? Where will it take you?

 

I know the pain can be unbearable, but you should be thanking him. You are much better off without him. He treats you like s***, meanwhile lays all the blame on you .... and you want to go back to that? Oh, I forgot he was "nice" to you, well by all means go back to him. Get Married to a guy who can be "nice" when he feels like it, because that's all marriage means; Be nice. Right?

 

The guy is selfish, abusive and hateful. If you give him anymore tears or back to him then you might consider seeking out some professional aid.

[54JA]

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him. He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him. He said if he doesn't see any effort from me then he's gonna think I was the biggest regret of his life. He used to be so nice to me. How could he just change so quickly I don't understand. I think he tried to make the relationship work more than I did, and he once told me he would teach me a lesson? Maybe he's punishing me now for not loving him as much as he loved me. I feel so guilty. It was all my fault. How do I stop feeling this way.

 

 

No one should have to chase anybody to prove her love. It is ridiculous. What he is expecting from you (chasing him to prove to him that you love him) is outrageous. It is sick.

 

Please take care of your depression. Depression often distorts thinking. It affects your perception of reality. It's already hard enough to cope with depression and depressed thinking without having sadistic SOBs around, it will be nearly impossible to get better with a boyfriend like yours constantly saying things to purposely make you feel bad/placing blames. It's a bad cycle. Because of your depression, your mind tricks you into thinking that everything is your fault and makes it harder for you to see your ex's mistreatment of you. Because this makes it harder for you to see who he really is, it makes it harder for you to move on.

 

Please learn about how depression affects your mind. You can google terms like "cognitive distortion," "cognitive errors," "automatic thoughts" related to depression. Make it a priority to take care of mind right away, because he is not going to make it all better.

[aloneinaz]

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him.

 

 

Again, you're chasing him now. What's that doing for you? Is it helping? I'd say no, it's only wrecking your self esteem and pride.

 

 

 

 

He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him..

 

He's always wanted me to chase him? Really? Sweetie, you need to get some therapy for your depression. It's clearly impacting your thinking and self esteem. You should NEVER have to "chase" someone to demonstrate how much you love them. This guy is not playing with a full deck of cards. For him to WANT you to chase him indicates he's suffering from a few mental health issues. Low self esteem. Needing to be constantly validated.. He's screaming "I have self worth issues" too.

 

 

To the last, bolded line, WHO CARES what he thinks or does. He's being a a-hole to you now by contacting him. Can he be worse if you stop contacting him? Again, worry about you. He's TELLING you he doesn't want you anymore so why waste ANY effort contacting him for him to be a jerk to you? Come on? If you were my sister, I'd want to smack so sense in ya!

[StrangerThanFiction]

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him. He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him. He said if he doesn't see any effort from me then he's gonna think I was the biggest regret of his life. He used to be so nice to me. How could he just change so quickly I don't understand. I think he tried to make the relationship work more than I did, and he once told me he would teach me a lesson? Maybe he's punishing me now for not loving him as much as he loved me. I feel so guilty. It was all my fault. How do I stop feeling this way.

 

No. No no no no no. Just no. You need to RUN from this guy. Like the goddamned wind. He's sadistic, cruel, and abusive. You realize that don't you? He's crushed you down so far that he's got you almost literally crawling after him begging and pleading. On top of that he has you convinced that it's YOUR fault! Give the man a medal for being a master manipulator! Actually, give him a kick in his a$$. He also took your depression and made it about HIM! If you loved him enough you wouldn't be depressed?? Give me a ****ing break! He needs to get over himself and realize the world actually doesn't revolve around him. For real. I agree everyone, you need to work on your depression first and foremost. If you can get your head back on straight you'll see how terribly he's treated you and see that you don't deserve that. At all. What else you need to do is cut contact completely and get far away from him. Don't be suprised if after you go NC he tries to get in touch with you again. He'll need an ego stroking and want to make sure he's still got you dangling and waiting for more of his abuse. Don't let him.

[angel.eyes]

Aww honey! (((HUGS)))

 

Your relationship was toxic, emotionally abusive, and dysfunctional. You don't appreciate this right now because it feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest and trampled on.

 

This is not the type of guy you want to marry. Someday you'll be truly thankful that it ended. Until then, take care of your depression. Do you have friends you can hang with? Relatives? Now is the time to use your social circle for support. Ditto for this forum.

 

You will feel better! It will just take a while. Dealing with your depression will also help.

[Arieswoman]

broken25,

the relationship failed and it was not your fault.

 

Repeat, it was not your fault.

 

Now say this over and over again until you believe it.

 

You have had some good advice here, so please, please take all the steps you can to make you feel better.

 

He ended it in a cruel way because that's who he is, cruel and heartless.

 

You know the adage "when people show you who they are - believe them".

 

I think the No1 priority is to get treatment for your depression, so please do that. Hopefully after that you should be able to see things more clearly.

 

Hang on in there and you'll get through this.

 

And do not whatever you do ever contact him again, the guy is a snake.

 

Good luck x

[stillafool]

But the thing is that if I stopped contacting him, it'll reaffirm his belief that I never loved him. He has always wanted me to chase him around to prove my love to him. I guess I didn't chase him enough? What if he hates me even more if I don't continue chasing him. He said if he doesn't see any effort from me then he's gonna think I was the biggest regret of his life. He used to be so nice to me. How could he just change so quickly I don't understand. I think he tried to make the relationship work more than I did, and he once told me he would teach me a lesson? Maybe he's punishing me now for not loving him as much as he loved me. I feel so guilty. It was all my fault. How do I stop feeling this way.

 

Tell this idiot the chase is over. He's caught! He's engaged to you for goodness sake you've already caught him. Tell him that. Also tell him if he doesn't straighten up you will release him back into the wild. Listen, don't start giving in to this guys every whim or you will be setting the stage for your marriage. Speak up for yourself and stop being afraid to lose him. He doesn't sound like much of a prize.

[broken25]

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread, it really means a lot to me. I will be seeking out help for my depression first and foremost. He did call me but I did not pick up. He then spoke to my cousin, and told her that he had already done his part by trying to call me back so we could ‘sort out our differences’ – but he was disappointed that I did not return his call.

 

As a result, my cousin suggested that because we were engaged and there was some level of commitment that perhaps I should let him know that I will be seeking help for my depression, and taking some time for myself? But based on the responses on here, I feel like I should not have to tell him how I feel about anything? Plus, I’m too scared to call him anyways. I don’t think I have the mental ability to be told that it was my fault for how horrible this relationship turned out or that he’ll rip me apart, again.

 

I shouldn’t feel guilty for not picking up his call right? I’m sorry that I need so much reassurance but I really felt he treated me like a princess up till what happened during our last interaction. Perhaps, I’m really sensitive, but his last words keep resonating in my head. I have just always been a co-dependent individual so it’s really difficult for me to embrace being alone, and I don’t trust myself in that I will be able to completely shut him out…I know this might sound crazy but I was sexually abused once. And despite being abused I went BACK to the abuser because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was willing to experience that abuse than to be alone. I just need a coping method to learn how to be content in being alone this time. I’m so sorry, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m not taking this advice people have provided on here. I’m just trying to say that I know it will be hard for me to maintain it.

 

Also…is it possible that my moodiness, insecurities and lack of love caused him to treat me this way? Perhaps, if I was more loving and less depressed I wouldn’t have pushed him to this point?

[stillafool]

You sound extremely loving. It is not you it is him. He is a control freak. Do not call him. Let him stew on this for a while and so should you. I think if you marry this guy he will continue to mentally abuse you. You need professional help for your depression and co-dependency.

[Gus Grimly]

I just need a coping method to learn how to be content in being alone this time.

 

Left to your own device, it doesn't seem like you will do the right thing for YOU. What you feel is a FALSE sense of security because you have major self-esteem issues. You need to surround yourself with positive people who will instill some security in your life. You are caught in an awful web of abuse, you need to escape.

 

I think you should seek professional help. A couples counselor, therapist or possibly a psychiatrist. You're not thinking clearly, this man is abusive. GET HELP. If you get married and have children with this man, you'll be set up for years of fear, sadness and regret.

[darkmoon]

he sounded sadistic, when i read your OP, i thought he is weiiird, i mean there are civilised ways to put points across, he seems not to know this, get help with your depression though

Edited July 20, 2015 by darkmoon

[Itspointless]

I don’t trust myself in that I will be able to completely shut him out…I know this might sound crazy but I was sexually abused once. And despite being abused I went BACK to the abuser because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was willing to experience that abuse than to be alone. I just need a coping method to learn how to be content in being alone this time. I’m so sorry, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m not taking this advice people have provided on here. I’m just trying to say that I know it will be hard for me to maintain it.

 

Also…is it possible that my moodiness, insecurities and lack of love caused him to treat me this way? Perhaps, if I was more loving and less depressed I wouldn’t have pushed him to this point?

No, it perhaps may took some extra effort, sometimes depressed people push their partners away. You definitely won't have to be scared about that as you seem really sweet.

 

OK, read with me: 'HE IS AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE'.

 

While you needed love and reassurance he made it about him. Reading about that makes me mad. That guy is really egoistic. But it actually is worse as he made it into a lesson for you: **** THAT.

 

Remove this guy as fast from your life as you can. It is unfortunate but be happy you saw his true colours now.

 

Take care of yourself and follow the tips the others have provided.

[mightycpa]

Don't forget to tell your cousin to

 

a) stop talking to him about you

 

and

 

b) stop talking to you about him

 

 

and the same goes for whoever else might be hindering your recovery. He needs to be cut off and cut out, all the way around. Put a moat around him, and around you.

[kendahke]

I was sexually abused once. And despite being abused I went BACK to the abuser because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was willing to experience that abuse than to be alone. I just need a coping method to learn how to be content in being alone this time.

 

Running back to the arms of an abuser is not the answer.

 

What is it about yourself that you despise so much that your own company is anathema to you? I think the very first thing you do when you see a therapist, after you've addressed your depression issues, is to do some really intensive work on why it is you cannot stand your own company and would rather be around men who will tear you apart to save you from being by yourself.

[stillafool]

We were together for two years but got engaged only 3 months ago. Why would he end it like this. I don't get it.

 

Maybe he's having second thoughts about being married. Maybe he's trying to test you to see if you will be able to put up with his crazyness, or maybe he's just mind *****ing you to death. At any rate I'd be done. Who gets angry with someone, breaks off an engagement and never says why. Girl you need to be the one not speaking to him. If you chase him after all he's done to you he will have the upper hand and keep it all through the marriage. You will be in an emotional hell. Next he will pull back the sex but who wants it anyway with this cry baby.