How does love change into hate so fast?

[Gus Grimly]

But... if someone turns 'cold' or 'cruel' is it because that's really who they are, or you made them that way?

I'm not a psychologist, but I'd say it's a character trait. For example; My Ex could be the sweetest person you've ever met, but if she felt threatened or wronged in any way, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat. She was one of those people who never took accountability for their actions. Blames everyone for her problems and has an excuse for everything. She threw everything but the kitchen sink at me and then some as reasons for the breakup, but a lot of those excuses were symptoms of her actions. One week she's my best friend next week I'm an enemy.

 

Did the punishment fit the crime? Uh, no. It's confusing and you can't reason with people like this. It's impossible. Once they plant they seeds of doubt in their mind and it starts to grow, it's only going to manifest itself until you've become this horrible monster in their eyes. You are the reason why their life sucks so bad. It's you who've been dragging them down. You are nothing but a cross to bear.

 

So it's not you. You are dealing with someone who has horrible communication skills and are living in denial. Their whole life becomes a fugazi.

 

I've tried to psychoanalyze my Ex and I'm still like "WTF?", all I know is that I'm glad it's finally over. Whew!

[aloneinaz]

Gus, your ex sounds BPD or certainly shares a lot of those traits.

 

 

You're point is very valid. Emotionally damaged people like your ex and the OP's can't be reasoned with. It's an exercise in futility. It's also a waste of time and brain power to figure out why they act and do the things they do. No one can figure them out, including them.

 

 

My last ex I'm sure has BPD. Just a nightmare GF who I put up with far too long. Even though she came back to me, apologizing for her terrible behavior while we were together and wanting another chance, there's no way I'd date her again. These people don't change and truthfully, I feel sorry for my ex and even forgave her so she could move on. I really don't think she'll ever find happiness with HERSELF nor whoever she's dating and making their life hell. I've read the BPD people really don't mean to act the way they do, they just can't help it.

 

 

The only thing we can do is protect ourselves and our mental health by staying far away from them. There way too many normal, emotionally healthy folks out there looking for their next love.

[bigtrouble]

Hmm... this had me thinking...

 

They know what they did or do...

We don't point fingers...

But they do sometimes say "This is all me"...

Yet, behind it all they truly blame you...

To justify their own guilt...

Taking no responsibility for their actions...

[broken25]

Gus, your ex sounds BPD or certainly shares a lot of those traits.

 

 

You're point is very valid. Emotionally damaged people like your ex and the OP's can't be reasoned with. It's an exercise in futility. It's also a waste of time and brain power to figure out why they act and do the things they do. No one can figure them out, including them.

 

 

My last ex I'm sure has BPD. Just a nightmare GF who I put up with far too long. Even though she came back to me, apologizing for her terrible behavior while we were together and wanting another chance, there's no way I'd date her again. These people don't change and truthfully, I feel sorry for my ex and even forgave her so she could move on. I really don't think she'll ever find happiness with HERSELF nor whoever she's dating and making their life hell. I've read the BPD people really don't mean to act the way they do, they just can't help it.

 

 

The only thing we can do is protect ourselves and our mental health by staying far away from them. There way too many normal, emotionally healthy folks out there looking for their next love.

 

I'm not sure if my ex was BPD or narcissistic (even my therapist suggested he was narcissistic) but for some reason I have a really hard accepting he was any of that - instead, I feel like I had some sort of mental illness. I'm not sure if this is an effect of my relationship with him? But I surely started to question my own mental sanity towards the end of the relationship, than I did his because he did make it seem like everything was always my fault, and he believed that the only issue he had to work on was his anger.

 

Now, I have all my friends, family and therapist telling me it wasn't my fault - and then I have him who left saying everything was all my fault, and for some reason I take his word at face value and have a hard time believing what everyone else is telling me.

 

All this messes with your head so much. Despite everything, I don't have it in me to blame him for everything - as he blamed me. And for some reason it makes me more comfortable thinking that I have some mental deficiency than believing he did. Not sure why.

 

Is this how people who have been in relationships with narcissistic or those with BPD end up feeling?

[broken25]

I'm not a psychologist, but I'd say it's a character trait. For example; My Ex could be the sweetest person you've ever met, but if she felt threatened or wronged in any way, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat. She was one of those people who never took accountability for their actions. Blames everyone for her problems and has an excuse for everything. She threw everything but the kitchen sink at me and then some as reasons for the breakup, but a lot of those excuses were symptoms of her actions. One week she's my best friend next week I'm an enemy.

 

Did the punishment fit the crime? Uh, no. It's confusing and you can't reason with people like this. It's impossible. Once they plant they seeds of doubt in their mind and it starts to grow, it's only going to manifest itself until you've become this horrible monster in their eyes. You are the reason why their life sucks so bad. It's you who've been dragging them down. You are nothing but a cross to bear.

 

So it's not you. You are dealing with someone who has horrible communication skills and are living in denial. Their whole life becomes a fugazi.

 

I've tried to psychoanalyze my Ex and I'm still like "WTF?", all I know is that I'm glad it's finally over. Whew!

 

Wow! She threw things at you? And you put up with that?

 

I can definitely relate to the feeling threatened part. My ex also got defensive REAL quick! And would get extremely cold if he felt I was 'toughening up' or showed any sort of strength. There was no way I could challenge his superiority, and if I tried to then he got really cruel to the point where I would just break down and cry. He couldn't handle criticism whatsoever, and he would feel attacked so easily. I could SENSE the fear he projected by yelling and being cold and cruel when he felt attacked.

 

I went from feeling strong, and confident - to completely losing my sense of self.

[contel3]

All this messes with your head so much. Despite everything, I don't have it in me to blame him for everything - as he blamed me. And for some reason it makes me more comfortable thinking that I have some mental deficiency than believing he did. Not sure why?

 

There's probably several reasons for that. I can tell you what it was for me.

 

During the relationship with my ex he had such strange behaviour that I started questioning my sanity while still in the relationship. I started rationalising that he's not acting weird and it's all in my head. I did this because I didn't want to be single again and couldn't admit to myself I had made a mistake with my choice of partner. I already felt that I was going crazy anyway so putting the blame on myself was a lot easier than accepting that the person I picked as a partner was not who I thought he was.

 

Somehow I thought that if he truly has issues that would reflect negatively on me- how could I fall in love with someone like that? In my mind he was so perfect I couldn't accept I hadn't seen the real him. I moved on when I realised his actions are not a reflection of me. That I didn't pick him as a partner because there was something wrong with me, but because he taught me some valuable life lessons I needed to learn.

 

I still don't want to see him as the "crazy guy", but I don't think I'm crazy either. I simply acknowledge he has some serious issues and that for me it was a blessing in disguise. It made me a stronger person, I had to face my issues head front and I understand myself a lot better than I did before.

[candie13]

I'm not sure if my ex was BPD or narcissistic (even my therapist suggested he was narcissistic) but for some reason I have a really hard accepting he was any of that - instead, I feel like I had some sort of mental illness. I'm not sure if this is an effect of my relationship with him? But I surely started to question my own mental sanity towards the end of the relationship, than I did his because he did make it seem like everything was always my fault, and he believed that the only issue he had to work on was his anger.

 

Now, I have all my friends, family and therapist telling me it wasn't my fault - and then I have him who left saying everything was all my fault, and for some reason I take his word at face value and have a hard time believing what everyone else is telling me.

 

All this messes with your head so much. Despite everything, I don't have it in me to blame him for everything - as he blamed me. And for some reason it makes me more comfortable thinking that I have some mental deficiency than believing he did. Not sure why.

 

Is this how people who have been in relationships with narcissistic or those with BPD end up feeling?

 

the bolded. clear sign of a toxic personality. He will make you feel like you are the crazy one and will actually believe it for a while. That and fighting dirty. What does your family have to do with anything. And comparing them? No . He is doing all he can to ruin you - maybe because he realized he cannot have you / own you / break you. So he is decided to inflict a maximum amount of pain onto you, for revenge purposes. To take his own frustration and anger out of you. Rest assure, girl, that anger has nothing to do with you. He simply never dealt with it and it just lies there... dying to resurface in the most f*cked up way, poisoning his romantic rs... he had a lot of work to do...

 

As az put it, he's really troubled. Change the locks on your door and keep him away from your life and friends.

[Itspointless]

It is much easier for people to hate than to miss. With the first one you do not have to take responsibility and look at yourself. That is the reason why so many people become so sour and vengeful: it is the easy way out.

[erklat]

"That woman (me) ruined my life. I hope God punishes her. Me and my family were way better than her and her family to begin with. She's such a hypocrite. She was the woman - she should have done what she was told and should have chased me more. She should have begged me to stop me from breaking up with her. She isn't needed any longer, I have great things to achieve in life." Etc etc.

 

This here is guilt shifting boolshyte.

 

Line between love and hate is very thin because both are two sides of the same coin - strong emotions fuelled by passion.

[casey.lives]

people say mean things when they break up with each other, it helps us to be strong. If it's a bad break up, talking bad about an ex is to be expected, i would think.. i spoke bad about my ex, it made me feel like it was a good decision, the break up, it made me feel a bit more emotionally together.

[casey.lives]

As for the love turning to hate.. we were never in love.

[candie13]

saying bad things but being fair is one thing. Throwing blows under the belt is different.

[erklat]

Yes, what is said in the aftermath of the breakup is not an image of who you really are. I would still rather break an arm than fall in love with wrong woman.

 

I saw one meme the other day which reminded me of that, text was : 'sorry for the mean, hurtful and accurate things I said to you'.

[SammySammy]

This here is guilt shifting boolshyte.

 

Line between love and hate is very thin because both are two sides of the same coin - strong emotions fuelled by passion.

 

My thoughts exactly. There's a thin line between love and hate. They are opposite sides of the same passionate coin.

[Sunshine09]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm back, sorry I keep posting here.

 

Not looking for so much advice this time but I guess I just want to vent a little.

 

Since then (about a month), my ex-fiance made no effort to contact me, and likewise neither did I. I started getting therapy, and was focusing on myself. Starting to feel a little better. But yesterday night he calls me (from some other number), I pick up the phone and it's him. Immediately I freeze, start panicking internally, feel extremely anxious and un-well. He said he was calling to make things 'officially over', he said: "You are no longer needed, you are a hypocrite. I am now liberating myself from your negativity and the misery you gave me. I do not wish the best for you in the future. I did love you, but thank you for not cancelling your dinner plans with your friends when I was upset, thank you for never showing me the affection I needed, thank you for not trying to contact me enough after I told you to leave me alone. Getting engaged to you was the biggest mistake of my life."

 

It's weird because he was married & divorced before he met me, and at that time "she was the biggest mistake of his life", and now I am the biggest mistake of his life.

 

I didn't know what to say, but I wasn't going to beg, plead or cry in front of him anymore. I told him I, nonetheless, wished the best for him. Hoped he'd find all the happiness he was looking for, and that I'd remember him in my prayers.

 

To which he responded by saying "I don't need your prayers, bye." And hung up on me.

 

Regardless, though I feel extremely bad and am back to feeling like everything was my fault, and that perhaps I could have prevented all this by not going out to dinner that day with my friends. I also feel like maybe I should have told him I loved him when he called? But I was so scared and couldn't say much at all.

 

 

my ex pulled pretty much the same line " you didn't give me the affection I needed"

then it would switch to something else, then another thing

 

It's all a bunch of bs honestly, in some time you will be glad he is gone as you will be on to much better things

[aloneinaz]

but for some reason I have a really hard accepting he was any of that - instead, I feel like I had some sort of mental illness. I'm not sure if this is an effect of my relationship with him? But I surely started to question my own mental sanity towards the end of the relationship

 

My experience with dating that emotionally damaged ex told me that I had some work to do on myself when it ended. The take home value for me was I had my own issues in NOT ending the relationship when I knew she had serious emotional issues. A therapist I saw afterward helped me identify what they were and I felt relief and then addressed them.

 

 

 

 

Is this how people who have been in relationships with narcissistic or those with BPD end up feeling?

 

 

I've read that people that get out of a toxic/dysfunctional relationship can suffer symptoms similar to PTSD. Especially if the ex did have a disorder or strong traits of BPD. A month after she dumped me, I came to peace with the fact that while I'm not perfect, 95% of all the issues that R/S had where on her. I went NC the day after we ended. It allowed me to think clearly again after those 30 days along with the therapist feedback.

 

 

We all have to forgive ourselves after these types of relationships end. I think we feel guilt in ourselves for staying with these damaged people and like me, question WTH is wrong w/me that I stayed with this person. My now 2 year GF with her normal, loving, healthy emotions only reinforced how damaged this ex is. This is why I feel sorry for her (and whoever she's dating). Unless she commits to serious therapy, she'll never find peace or happiness with HERSELF nor with her partner.

[BC1980]

It sounds like your ex's ego was really hurt when you didn't speak to him for a month. . . . even though he asked you not to speak to him. So he's trying to paint you as a monster to justify the fact that you didn't value him enough to chase and beg. It sounds like he wants a servant. I guess if you did chase and beg you would have been good enough to marry him.