Looking for support & encouragement moving forward with divorce

[midlifewife]

Well, just an update....I had been planning on waiting to give H my letter until after I got back from taking our daughter to college. However, it didn't work out that way. Last night, he basically forced my hand by asking about sex, which led into the whole 'we are lacking chemistry/connection' conversation. I actually was able to get all the words out that I wanted to say calmly and under control. He was actually very calm, too...although not happy. He thinks we could 'work on it', but understands that I don't believe that will make any difference. We kind of let the conversation go after a bit mostly because I felt like he was going some time to let everything sink in. He'll be home from work any minute and I'm getting very anxious about what it will be like. I know he didn't sleep at all.

[mommywisesup]

It's okay to struggle with your decision - this changes everything. But the advice that you've been given is awesome. Think about it - evaluate it carefully.

 

I struggled with wanting a divorce for 24 years before I finally did it. Went to counseling and everything - neither one of us was really "all in". But kids and financial obligations kept us together, not very romantic.

 

It's been three years since my divorce, and yes, it's been a struggle, but so totally worth it to me personally.

 

There's a great book out on Amazon that walks you through it all - it starts with a test chapter called "Do You Really Want A Divorce? You might take a look at it, it's free if you have Kindle Unlimited. It's called Divorce Blueprint - here's a link for it.

 

You really, really, really need to think hard about it - sending positive thoughts your way.

[Mr. Lucky]

He thinks we could 'work on it', but understands that I don't believe that will make any difference.

 

Seems as though you're looking for agreement from him that divorce is the right thing to do, something you probably won't get.

 

Feeling the way you do, why not just leave the marriage when ready? I'm sure you don't want to hurt him, but there doesn't seem to be a path forward for the two of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beatcuff]

which led into the whole 'we are lacking chemistry/connection' conversation.

 

it is obvious you have a serious communication issue. there is no harm in continuing the conversation. in truth HE may have the same feelings but was not fully prepared (as you were) to talk about them.

 

this could end as a win-win:

 

while others have said 'stop asking permission and file', by coming to a mutual agreement first, it will make the coming months and fallout with the children much easier: 'mom left me' v 'we decided it was best for both of us to move on'.

 

the fact you are wavering --- still, AND you stated your desire to him... i think you should give it a period of time (say 6 months to a year) of both of you working hard to reignite and having honest communication then it either continue or move on.

[midlifewife]

Had another talk. It had been 2 days since the last one, and he had started acting 'normal' again, asking for kisses, etc. I had to ask him what was going through his head. I think he was in some denial, which I understand. I just couldn't let the conversation I started (after so very long of repressing my feelings) just disappear and go back to the way we were. So, last night I pretty much had to reiterate my talk. Another sleepless night for him, and partially for me. But we did touch on enough things that I hope he really gets where I'm at. What is almost mind-boggling to me is that he says he thought we had been in a better place until recently, and that he really believes we had the 'spark'. It's hard for me to understand how he could feel that when I don't show affection towards him. I still think he will eventually realize that we didn't/don't have a romantic connection...after he starts healing from the pain of breaking up after so long. He told me I deserve to have chemistry with someone...and I said that he does, too.

 

I suggested separating for a few months, and he said if I don't feel any attraction to him, that wouldn't make it better so what's the point. I feel like it at least can't hurt. There is no rush to divorce. The longest we've ever been apart is 2 weeks...I kind of wish he'd do a 180 on me so I at least could see what my reaction would be. I'd want to know if there was any part of me that would really miss being with him.

 

I feel a really extraordinary mix of both sadness and relief. I know we have a long way to go, but this is the most I've communicated my feelings about this EVER. Just to have that 'out there' feels like a huge burden has been lifted. It's something that has been inside me for years trying to get out, but I wouldn't let it because I WANTED so badly for everything to be OK.

[midlifewife]

Seems as though you're looking for agreement from him that divorce is the right thing to do, something you probably won't get.

Yes, I guess I am looking for that. I have always been the 'nice girl', the 'good girl', the 'teacher's pet'. Needing to be liked and needing to be right are combining on this one for me. I'm aware that these are two of my greatest personal challenges that I need to work on in order to grow as a person.

[Mr. Lucky]

I suggested separating for a few months, and he said if I don't feel any attraction to him, that wouldn't make it better so what's the point.

 

Confused by his reaction. Does he mean "what's the point" of separation, you should proceed with divorce?

 

Mr. Lucky

[midlifewife]

Confused by his reaction. Does he mean "what's the point" of separation, you should proceed with divorce?

Yes, that is the way I interpreted it. I think it was mostly said out of frustration. His choice would be not to divorce and to 'work on it'; however, he said if I don't love him, there's not much we can do.

 

I also explained that some of what he interpreted in the past as 'things getting better' were probably related to me trying to make things better. However, the feelings just didn't follow for me.

Edited August 26, 2015 by midlifewife
added thought

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, that is the way I interpreted it. I think it was mostly said out of frustration. His choice would be not to divorce and to 'work on it'; however, he said if I don't love him, there's not much we can do.

 

I would tend to agree. And unless I've read this thread wrong, I'm thinking that you would, too.

 

That would certainly argue in favor a divorce instead of a separation, and you're likely to be the one who's going to have to file.

[carhill]

If the man did say that, part can be a gut reaction to the disruption of routine and a rationalization of that feeling of loss of control and applying it to the topic under discussion. The other part is men tend to be linear thinkers. If x + y = z, then it must always be that. Hence, if a man's wife is attracted and he does x + y, then she'll be z. If not attracted and she leaves, then he loses continuity of x + y and a whole bunch of variables, most poignantly her being out of his sight and into activities unknown, causes disruption of x + y.

 

Our MC counseled, and think wisely, that, generally, people get separated to divorce. Always? Nope! However, having experimented with a couple months of separation while in MC, I'd opine somewhere in the middle stages, I came to see his perspective on matters and how it was easy to put one's spouse out of sight and mind because, well, they were out of sight and everyday mind.

 

One aspect MC helped enormously with was working through things methodically and clearly and with open communication. That doesn't mean the marriage lasts, though it could, rather the process facilitates a progression with purpose and confidence. IMO, in our case, spending five grand on MC saved me at least fifty grand in legal fees, not to mention fostering healthy closure and peace of mind regarding the marriage. Hopefully the OP will find the path that works best for her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also explained that some of what he interpreted in the past as 'things getting better' were probably related to me trying to make things better.

 

Just out of curiosity, did "trying to make things better" have any payback for you? Any subjective improvements in your day-to-day life and interactions with him? And did he respond with his own efforts?

 

Mr. Lucky

[midlifewife]

Just out of curiosity, did "trying to make things better" have any payback for you? Any subjective improvements in your day-to-day life and interactions with him? And did he respond with his own efforts?

Thank you for all of your feedback, Mr. Lucky. It made him happier, not me. If I was a good actress & didn't care about my own fulfillment, I know exactly how to keep him the happiest guy in the world. It really doesn't take that much. When he tries harder, I pull back, knowing it doesn't feel right to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I was a good actress & didn't care about my own fulfillment, I know exactly how to keep him the happiest guy in the world. It really doesn't take that much.

 

 

Funny, my wife says the same thing about me. Guess we men aren't the complex creatures we think ourselves to be.

 

Unfortunately, I'll bet he'd say the exact opposite about you, not sure what it takes to make you happy. I've learned the hard way what a weak position that is to take.

 

I'd guess a couple of tough weeks ahead. How tuned in to these goings on is your remaining child at home?

 

Mr. Lucky

[midlifewife]

Unfortunately, I'll bet he'd say the exact opposite about you, not sure what it takes to make you happy. I've learned the hard way what a weak position that is to take.

Yes, he's been saying things like 'I wish there was something I could do, something I could change...'. I wish that, too, but it's not anything that concrete when you're talking about attraction/connection. I guess that's especially true for us gals.

 

I'd guess a couple of tough weeks ahead. How tuned in to these goings on is your remaining child at home?

Actually, I leave tomorrow morning to drive my daughter 14 hours to college, so we have our last big family dinner tonight...should be interesting. So far, they haven't observed anything they would find out of the ordinary. Last night, we agreed that we'd act as normal as possible and hope to not tell them anything for a bit. We need to sort out more, and let daughter settle in to her new life. As I had mentioned earlier, I was planning on not having this discussion with H until after she left. He ended up pushing me about our relationship and I spilled.

[pteromom]

All in all, it seems you have it pretty good. He's a nice person, kind, easy-going, and you are good (if not best) friends. The only thing missing is the romance.

 

But romance has to be WORKED on.

 

It's not like in the beginning, when you meet someone, and you are excited about the possibilities with him, and you can use your imagination to come up with all these fantasies about what life would be like together, and you use all that excitement to fuel your passion.

 

Because you already know what life is like with him. So that wide-eyed dreaming isn't there.

 

In a long-term marriage, you have to go CREATE the romance and spark. You have to go on an adventure together. Let the experience be bonding and exhilarating, and use THAT excitement to fuel your passion. Go tandem skydiving with him. Go kiss under a waterfall. Go visit another country with him. Take a ballroom dancing class with him.

 

You have to find reasons to laugh together, to have deep conversations, to lie out in the back yard in lawn chairs and contemplate the meaning of life together.

 

You can't just tell your husband to try harder and hope you feel the sparks. You have to put in the work to create the environment that fosters and builds intimacy.

 

I have to agree with the posters talking about dating in your 40s. I see it with my friends. If you are hoping to leave your marriage and find some kind of good, passionate man just waiting for you, I fear you will be very disappointed. Are you willing to risk being single the rest of your life in order to get out of this marriage?

 

Nothing you said about your husband leads me to believe he's bad for you. He's faithful, right? And not prone to anger? And not selfish? And his values align with yours? What am I missing here?

 

If the only issue is the loving feelings, you CAN get those back.

 

I have friends who are in very good marriages. Marriages where both partners are respectful, kind, loving, AND passionate with each other. What they all have in common is that they choose to see the best in each other. They confide in each other. They are best friends first and foremost. They are truly INTIMATE - and not intimate in the purely physical sense, but intimate as in vulnerable and sharing all of themselves with each other.

[qubist]

All in all, it seems you have it pretty good. He's a nice person, kind, easy-going, and you are good (if not best) friends. The only thing missing is the romance.

 

But romance has to be WORKED on.

 

It's not like in the beginning, when you meet someone, and you are excited about the possibilities with him, and you can use your imagination to come up with all these fantasies about what life would be like together, and you use all that excitement to fuel your passion.

 

Because you already know what life is like with him. So that wide-eyed dreaming isn't there.

 

In a long-term marriage, you have to go CREATE the romance and spark. You have to go on an adventure together. Let the experience be bonding and exhilarating, and use THAT excitement to fuel your passion. Go tandem skydiving with him. Go kiss under a waterfall. Go visit another country with him. Take a ballroom dancing class with him.

 

You have to find reasons to laugh together, to have deep conversations, to lie out in the back yard in lawn chairs and contemplate the meaning of life together.

 

You can't just tell your husband to try harder and hope you feel the sparks. You have to put in the work to create the environment that fosters and builds intimacy.

 

I have to agree with the posters talking about dating in your 40s. I see it with my friends. If you are hoping to leave your marriage and find some kind of good, passionate man just waiting for you, I fear you will be very disappointed. Are you willing to risk being single the rest of your life in order to get out of this marriage?

 

Nothing you said about your husband leads me to believe he's bad for you. He's faithful, right? And not prone to anger? And not selfish? And his values align with yours? What am I missing here?

 

If the only issue is the loving feelings, you CAN get those back.

 

I have friends who are in very good marriages. Marriages where both partners are respectful, kind, loving, AND passionate with each other. What they all have in common is that they choose to see the best in each other. They confide in each other. They are best friends first and foremost. They are truly INTIMATE - and not intimate in the purely physical sense, but intimate as in vulnerable and sharing all of themselves with each other.

Good post ,I'm afraid OP will realize this the hard way when it is too late, she needs to realize that her judgment is affected by other hormonal factors and would regret the break up once she sees for sure that grass wasn't that greener on the other side

[midlifewife]

If the only issue is the loving feelings, you CAN get those back.

Sadly, we never had a passionate, intimate relationship (although there are plenty of people on here who think they know better than I do about this, and say there's no way this could possibly be true). I've spent the better part of 20 years avoiding sex, tolerating sex, pretending during sex, wondering why I didn't want sex, cringing with guilt whenever I had to 'act' like I was lovey-dovey. I honestly don't believe there is anything to get BACK. It wasn't all bad...as I was really good at repressing, denial, rationalization, etc, but it just got to a point in the last few years where I realized I could not live this way anymore. I had to be honest.

 

In a long-term marriage, you have to go CREATE the romance and spark. You have to go on an adventure together. Let the experience be bonding and exhilarating, and use THAT excitement to fuel your passion. Go tandem skydiving with him. Go kiss under a waterfall. Go visit another country with him. Take a ballroom dancing class with him.

We've tried those kind of things. We get along well when we travel, but when it comes to anything physical, I want no part of it. Doesn't matter how 'romantic' the setting, I DON'T FEEL IT.

 

Are you willing to risk being single the rest of your life in order to get out of this marriage?

Yes, at this point in my life, I have very carefully thought about it and think this possible alternative would be better than being in a roommate-type marriage.

[Be_Strong]

midlifewife,

A lot of women at your age value all of the good qualities in your marriage and husband more than the romance. They are readily willing and able to do without romance for the rest of their lives in exchange for they what they have.

You, however, do not seem to be one of those women willing to forever give up romance. And that's perfectly fine. We all decide for ourselves what we value most in life. If staying with your husband and foregoing any romance is going to cause you this much emotional pain and mental stress, I say get divorced.

Like you, I'd rather be out in the world with the chance of sparking a new romance (even if slight) than stuck in a prison of a relationship with no chance of romance at all.

Summon up your courage and just do it. It will be hard and painful, but once it's done I think you'll experience a huge amount of relief and you will be able to start living authentically.

[oldshirt]

If staying with your husband and foregoing any romance is going to cause you this much emotional pain and mental stress, I say get divorced.

Like you, I'd rather be out in the world with the chance of sparking a new romance (even if slight) than stuck in a prison of a relationship with no chance of romance at all.

Summon up your courage and just do it. It will be hard and painful, but once it's done I think you'll experience a huge amount of relief and you will be able to start living authentically.

 

I am kind of agreeing with this.

 

It sounds like you are viewing your marriage as a slow, torturous death and that there is no hope.

 

If you really feel this way, just tear off the bandaid quickly and pull the plug.

You are probably torturing both of you by staying and twiddling your thumbs wondering what to do and waiting for him to agree with you and to sign off on it.

 

He is probably torturing himself wondering what to do to please you and the only thing that can please you at this point is someone else.

 

He can lose weight. He can change his wardrobe and his hair style. He can lift weights and buff up his physique. He can get a new job, get a new car and buy a new house. He can help more with the housework and take care of the yard better. .......but the one thing he can't do is become a different person and what you want is a different man at this point.

 

And frankly I think you are at the point that any different man will do...at least for awhile. And like many divorcees you will probably go though quite a few for awhile. That's fine.

 

All I can say is do it as quick and cleanly and painlessly as possible. Be generous and cooperative in the divorce. You are entitled to your fair share of the marital assets but don't be greedy or cutthroat. If your freedom means that much to you sacrifice what you can to make it as quick and easy on him as possible and then get out and do your thang.

 

I agree with him, why delay things with a separation if there is no hope. Just git'er done as efficiently as possible.

 

Just make it as clean and decisive as possible and don't give him any false hope. The quicker he can accept it and quicker he can walk away from you and not look back, the better off he will be and the quicker he can move on with out you. Don't let him hold on. Cut the cord and blast the bridge behind you.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Have you discussed separation? This would allow you both the opportunity to experience life apart without the permanence of divorce. One of you moves out, gets a new place and you have communication only about the children. Decide financials and dating prior to separation.

 

 

Allows both of you time. Create your own 180. May help clarify both of your feelings.

 

Start looking for a place and write up a separation agreement. I believe you can find examples on line to help you develop a comprehensive plan.

[Josmatjes]

Dang, dang, dang...I am already back to wavering. It makes me so angry at myself that I can't decide what course I want to take. I guess what I've been struggling with over the last few days has been if there is ANYTHING else we could do that might help. I don't want to drag this on, but I also don't want to leave knowing I didn't give it my all.

 

I also keep asking myself if I'm being unrealistic in what I want in a marriage/relationship. I know this kind of marriage exists...I've seen it...but I also strongly believe they are the exception rather than the rule. Most of my friends my age (late-40's) are 'meh' about their spouses but just go with the flow and don't expect much more. I don't want to be 'meh' or wondering if I made the right choice...I want to be unquestionably sure that I am with the right person. I do completely get that there will always be ups and downs, but in my world, the 'ups' with my H are just OK. It's harder to deal with the 'downs' when all you have on the way up is 'meh'.

 

All of this is worrying about leaving a relationship that by some people's standards is 'perfectly fine'. I need to stop looking at other people's standards and recognize that my own standards are real and legitimate...even if some would say they are too high. If I don't, I just know I will feel like I've settled.

 

One other thing I keep pondering is...when I think about what it would take for me to 'fall in love' with my husband, it involves him changing a lot of things he does and how he acts. I need him to be less passive, more assertive, confident. That doesn't seem right...trying to mold him into something he's not. And, even if it 'worked', that's not really him and would the changes last?

 

Listen, I'm exactly where you are at!! My son starts college next week and I have two others, high school and middle school. I'm sad and miserable. I have no romantic or physical interest in him. We are like roommates. I think I would be happier alone. He thinks he lobes me and tries to do stuff around the house or diet or whatever but it's a lost connection for me. I told him I wanted a divorce this morning and he ran out to the store to buy vegetables to start juicing! I mean really?

And we've been to three different therapists! I can't waver this time because I felt this way last August and it's a year later and nothings changed!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, at this point in my life, I have very carefully thought about it and think this possible alternative would be better than being in a roommate-type marriage.

 

You're young and in good health, any possible life you'd want is out there for you.

 

Just need to build the nerve and momentum to go after it. Don't think you'd be doing your H any favor by staying in a relationship where you can't be honest, emotionally or otherwise. Doing so certainly limits you but holds him back also. Now that he knows how you feel, I'd make a decision sooner rather than later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[notbroken]

I've been the husband on the other side of this. I suspect my exwife could have written it word for word. I was never quite happy after ten years of marriage (married a total of 26). I had a great job, house, boats, motorcycles, cars, yada, yada, yada, but wasn't happy. I never could quite put my finger on why. I now know. I was missing love from my life. My wife was faking it. Poorly - and I knew it. Getting a divorce was very painful but the best thing for me personally. I'm happy now. Finally. I live with a great woman who really does love me. We have a great sex life, are good friends, and enjoy each other greatly. No 'eggshells' to walk on. No faking it.

 

It seems after the initial rush of getting to sleep around 'guilt free' my ex has settled down to an unhappy reality of day to day life (and my kids have told me so. I rarely talk to her). Turns out maybe I wasn't so bad after all.

 

Your husband deserves better. Set him free. Just don't expect to remain friends with him and have the rest of your family left intact. That likely won't happen. Any boyfriend you have now or have eyes on probably won't be a lasting relationship (affair partners or rebounds rarely are). However, you will definitely find someone different. Not sure they will actually be better in the long run, but maybe that is good enough.

[midlifewife]

I am on the brink of asking my H for a divorce. It's been a long time coming, and I have only recently gotten past my lingering doubts about whether I should stay or leave. We are taking our daughter out of state for college in a couple weeks and I'm holding back until after that because I don't want that to be her 'parting gift' when embarking on this huge change in her life.

So things don't always go as planned.... A few days before I took D to college, H started asking questions again about having sex, and if I didn't find him attractive. Even though the timing was not what I had wanted, I went through with it and told him everything I had written in the letter I had planned to give him. That I felt we were lacking chemistry and intimacy, and that I'd been trying for years to cultivate something between us, but that nothing inside me had changed.

 

As expected, he thought if we worked on spending more time together, we could get it 'back'. He wondered where it had gone wrong, what he could have done differently. I had to tell him that I honestly did not believe there was anything that could change this. In the days that have followed (several of them with me out of town w D), he has been up and down, accepting of the decision and then trying to make everything normal and expecting me to follow. He's started to 'hyper-focus' on things like when we're going to tell the kids, and he set up his own bank account.

 

Sometimes, he's getting out way ahead of how far I've thought through logistics. I feel like we need time to process the emotional side of this, let it sink in and then be able to deal with the nuts and bolts. He seems to be kind of grasping at straws. It seems like he might need to have physical separation from me sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, we cannot afford to get a separate apartment with our current income & expenses. I have been the one working less, taking care of the kids, etc. So, all of a sudden, I need to dramatically increase my income in order to afford a second household.

 

Things are happening much sooner than I expected, and I wasn't prepared. My biggest concern was being able to have the conversation and how to tell him. Now that that's done, I'm floundering.

Edited September 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[m.snow]

Sometimes, he's getting out way ahead of how far I've thought through logistics. I feel like we need time to process the emotional side of this, let it sink in and then be able to deal with the nuts and bolts. He seems to be kind of grasping at straws. It seems like he might need to have physical separation from me sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, we cannot afford to get a separate apartment with our current income & expenses. I have been the one working less, taking care of the kids, etc. So, all of a sudden, I need to dramatically increase my income in order to afford a second household.

 

Things are happening much sooner than I expected, and I wasn't prepared. My biggest concern was being able to have the conversation and how to tell him. Now that that's done, I'm floundering.

 

If you are no longer going to be together he would need to save up money for his own.

 

Hopefully since your the one pursuing this divorce you would no burden him financially. ie asking for alimony and such.

 

I can understand him making his own bank account.

 

Staying for financial reason seems a bit harsh to your husband.

You have already been having affair's behind his back.

 

and it would be just awful to stay in a marriage for financial reason while having affairs with another person.