Looking for support & encouragement moving forward with divorce

[midlifewife]

Any staying at this point would only be to get in a position financially to have the 2nd residence. What we have talked about doing is trying to keep the family home, hopefully for the 4 years our son is in high school. We would like our son to be able to continue to live at home, while H and I would alternate staying here. So, we will be looking for a small apartment nearby that we would take turns staying at.

 

I am beginning to look for new/additional jobs this week so that we can cover the rent and additional expenses.

 

p.s. I also broke off the texting relationship I was having with long-distance MM/OM this weekend. I need to focus on what I'm doing with the M and not be thinking about anything else at this point.

Edited September 8, 2015 by midlifewife
added p.s.

[misty12]

I'm in a very similar situation as you and could have written your first post. I was all set to serve my husband papers, then he turned it on me and said he was tired of being sexually and emotionally rejected and wanted a divorce. When reality hit of losing friendship, companionship, and the home we built together I realized that was more important to me then chasing after fleeting feelings of romance. Romance exists to get us in a relationship but not to sustain it. My EA's were clouding my thinking so you can't make a rational decision while under the influence of an A as you know. also remember what goes up must come down and I feel that intensely passionate relationships also have the worst lows and disappointments because of higher expectations.

[carhill]

OP, here's an article on 'birdnesting', which is apparently what you're proposing regarding keeping your son in his home of origin:

 

Kids stay at home while divorced parents rotate - tribunedigital-chicagotribune

 

One sticky wicket in your proposal versus a true separation of domiciles is that you and your separated H will be sharing the same domicile, just at different times. Hence, all your and his 'stuff' will remain co-mingled at both domiciles unless of course the new domicile has separate residences, like a duplex or 'mother in law' setup with a main residence and apartment.

 

That stated, given your son is an adolescent, established in his peer group and beginning high school and this is time-determined, I could see it working out if you and H can cooperate. Critical to that would be either a legal or formal agreement regarding both the allocation of expenses for the domicile arrangement and your social milieu, especially since you're talking about four years. Most people will not remain socially or sexually celibate and that dynamic, both at your new domicile and around your son in the historical one, should be addressed IMO.

[midlifewife]

Thank you for sharing that article, carhill. It was good to read about this concept. Our other option is to sell the house & go to 2 townhomes, but that would entail our son bouncing around. To me, that would be the less desirable option. So far, it's looking like we both want to be amicable with this, and hopefully could make this work. My thoughts on the 'social' part of this is that either parent will have the opportunity for their social/dating engagements during the time they are the one not staying in the house, and this would not take place at the family home (at least until there was some kind of long-term relationship, well after the divorce is final).

[carhill]

Some practical considerations for thought and discussion with your spouse:

 

1. Who's on the historical domicile mortgage, if not owned outright? Both spouses? One? Who? Will any changes occur on the record? Off the record?

 

2. How do you propose to write the lease for the new domicile, with regards to tenancy?

 

3. Who is responsible for domestic expenses at both domiciles? How will those be handled?

 

4. Will this form of separation affect your tax filing status? Details?

 

Co-parenting:

 

1. What will be the custody arrangement?

 

2. Assignment of child-related expenses?

 

3. House rules, relevant to the adults and their social milieu?

 

When pondering these, and other related issues, bear in mind that, at an elemental level, this choice is enabling a rift in the formerly cooperative partnership and, in general, people tend to operate in their own self-interest when not voluntarily binding themselves to relationships and partners. Hence, if depending on good will for cooperation, I'd suggest always having a plan B in case things go sideways.

[sayang]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I just have to elaborate on my decision to leave. Unless I look at it from a strictly financial viewpoint, a choice to stay in a 'companionable' but non-sexual, non-romantic marriage seems no different to me than having a live-in close friend. Even if you both were on the same page with your platonic feelings (which I don't think H and I would be)...what benefit is there to that? What else do you get out of this relationship that you can't get from your friends, kids, other family and potentially a new partner?

 

In this situation, one is bound to be unfulfilled sexually, unless you have an 'open' marriage (not something I'm interested in). At a very young-looking 47, I'm not ready to give up on having a satisfying sex life in order to continue with a 'nice companionship'. It's not only about sex...a bigger reason for this is the internal turmoil I feel about this. Wouldn't it be completely unfair to him if I stayed just to stay? Maybe I'm different than some because I don't dread living alone. Throughout my marriage I've savored any time I get to myself. I realize that the reality might be different, but I'm willing to take that chance because of how sh***y it feels to be in the position I am now (for both of us).

 

I would hurt him if I stayed by not being a loving wife and will hurt him when I leave. The difference is, by leaving, I am at least allowing him a chance to find someone who can love him as he should be loved....and am giving myself that chance as well.

 

Wow.. I'm on same boat but I actually when ahead and file for divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. Good luck with your decision.

Edited September 8, 2015 by sayang

[oldshirt]

If my wife told me she no longer loved me and no longer wanted to have marital relations and there was nothing that could change that, I would start getting my affairs in order and start looking for a divorce attorney that day and to hell with whatever her emotional timeline was.

 

I would be looking out for my best interests and couldn't care less about her emotional well being.

 

I wouldn't blame him for doing the same. You can't have it both ways. You can't tell him you don't love him and don't want to be married to him but them expect him to stick around and follow your timeline for your emotional support.

[midlifewife]

I wouldn't blame him for doing the same. You can't have it both ways. You can't tell him you don't love him and don't want to be married to him but them expect him to stick around and follow your timeline for your emotional support.

You're right. I keep having to remind myself that I've had much longer to think about this, process it, ponder, grieve, etc. I am trying to do a better job of allowing him to move through his process however he needs to. He did say he wants to do this amicably and keep the kids our #1 priority, so I think we're fundamentally on the same page.

[midlifewife]

I'm in need of some more advice. Our current status is that he knows where I stand and I'm working on getting a new job so we can afford an apartment. Even though I feel like I'm 'done', we have almost 25 years of history together, and I don't feel the need to rush into filing paperwork. I would like to separate (with clearly defined expectations) for a number of months before taking that step. Maybe my feelings, or his, will change during this time and maybe they won't, but I'd rather find out before we made any permanent changes than after.

 

He wants to talk more this weekend about 'why' I feel this way. He just can't wrap his head around it and still wishes there was something he could do to change it. I tried my best to explain it to him a couple times already. I don't know what else I can say at this point. It's hard to explain much more than what I said. Of course, at the same time, I'm trying to avoid saying too much that would just serve to hurt him even more. For people who've been through this kind of situation (no spark for me, no desire for intimacy, feel more like a friend)....any words of advice on how I can make him understand that he did nothing wrong - that I feel like we just don't have 'it'.

[carhill]

A mediator or marriage counselor can assist in the realm of communication if you're 'stuck' and current communication is ineffective.

 

I would strongly suggest being very careful if you live in a community property state and have substantial assets. You're legal partners and pretty much everything gained or co-mingled during the M, if living is such a jurisdiction, is fair game. Stuff happens.

[midlifewife]

I would strongly suggest being very careful if you live in a community property state and have substantial assets. You're legal partners and pretty much everything gained or co-mingled during the M, if living is such a jurisdiction, is fair game. Stuff happens.

 

Yes, we'll see about counselor maybe helping. Hope we can sort out ourselves.

 

Not in community property state, and no substantial assets. The equity in our home would probably only cover paying off our other debt (cars, credit card) with not much left over. What specifically do you mean by being careful?

[carhill]

One example of my education in being 'careful', from many years ago, was going to the bank with a MW during which she cleaned out the ranch bank account, well into mid-5 figures because, well, she could. She left the next day to visit her sister out of state. Her H's ranch checks started bouncing. Like I said, stuff happens and people, when partnerships become adversarial or gain the appearance of such, tend to operate in their own self interest. The precipitating event in the above example was apparently the H renting an apartment for his girlfriend at the time. It didn't matter that they were both in A's. Heh. Great life lesson and 'careful' can apply to anything, not just cash. It can apply to debts too. Got a joint credit card with a big line of credit available? Heh, there ya go. Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

 

Well said. My exW "kidnapped" our furniture (including things I'd come into the marriage with) during the separation and hid them in an undisclosed storage location. She also incurred substantial debt on joint credit cards under the guise of living expenses. Things can go south quickly...

 

Mr. Lucky