Mixed emotions as I forge my own path.

[jenlynn]

Hello All,

 

I have posted here a couple of times now. A few times in the b/u forum and a few times here. I was in a 3 yr relationship with my live in boyfriend at the time and he was suppose to propose. We shared a home, our dog and on and on- and I thought we were very happy. There were no red flags and then he dumped me. I was blindsided. That was 9 months ago. Just 1.5 months though, I moved back to be near family and friends and have put about 900 miles of distance between us.

 

I'm really having to rebuild so many things. The 'only' constant I have somewhat is my family and friends but even they have changed and grown (many with their own families, homes and boyfriends/husbands now) since I was away for a total of 6 years.

 

I've been really trying to stay afloat since the b/u. It was emotionally, mentally, physically and financially exhausting for me. I cried every day for at least the first seven months, went into credit card debt, had a hard time securing stable housing and lost almost 40 lbs (5'6" and was 160 around break up) and I eventually needed to give up my professional job due to depression caused completely by the breakup and the aftermath.

 

I think I have finally secured housing and I have went in to full on nesting mode. I'm almost 32 by the way, so pretty much on point. I'm excited about the possibility of having my own space to decorate and heal and share with 'our' dog. However, today an overwhelming feeling of emptiness came over me. I realized I'm building this home that my ex will not be in. I realize this is the whole point but it was just- an incredibly sad feeling. I'm sure I'll decorate my new house very well with a lot of 'nice' things but in the end I know what is really important to me- having a family of my own, sharing the ups and downs with someone and I still have the fear that I won't be able to have those feelings for someone again. I don't fall for anyone easily.

 

I've also apprehensively moved back to my old hometown which doesn't necessarily fit my 'spirit'. I came from living in a bigger city near the mountains and was used to constantly having something to do and being around more like minded, active people. Here, in my hometown, people think they're outdoorsy if they sit on their front porch in a rocking chair. While I'm not ready to date, I do 'worry' that I won't be able to find a guy that wants a similar lifestyle as I want and have been used to- hiking, snowboarding, mountain biking, camping, concerts, and international travel to name a few. I know this isn't something I need to be focusing on right now at all, but it does creep in.

 

I guess I just wanted to share my mixed emotions as I focus on my healing and rebuilding. I'm trying to practice stillness, contentment and really get clear on what I want. I have fears of not being able to move past this or repeating this with someone else- different person, same **** sort of thing. I've also been especially shaken by this as I didn't see it coming. Fear of- how will this not happen again?

 

On another note, I was inspired about a month ago with a business idea that was inspired by my breakup. So, I might eventually be able to spin this experience into entrepreneurship and it might be able to keep me busy where I don't miss the bigger city and mountains as much. Maybe after some time has passed, I'll come here and float it by every one and see reactions!

[Chronograph]

Hello All,

 

I have posted here a couple of times now. A few times in the b/u forum and a few times here. I was in a 3 yr relationship with my live in boyfriend at the time and he was suppose to propose. We shared a home, our dog and on and on- and I thought we were very happy. There were no red flags and then he dumped me. I was blindsided. That was 9 months ago. Just 1.5 months though, I moved back to be near family and friends and have put about 900 miles of distance between us.

 

I'm really having to rebuild so many things. The 'only' constant I have somewhat is my family and friends but even they have changed and grown (many with their own families, homes and boyfriends/husbands now) since I was away for a total of 6 years.

 

I've been really trying to stay afloat since the b/u. It was emotionally, mentally, physically and financially exhausting for me. I cried every day for at least the first seven months, went into credit card debt, had a hard time securing stable housing and lost almost 40 lbs (5'6" and was 160 around break up) and I eventually needed to give up my professional job due to depression caused completely by the breakup and the aftermath.

 

I think I have finally secured housing and I have went in to full on nesting mode. I'm almost 32 by the way, so pretty much on point. I'm excited about the possibility of having my own space to decorate and heal and share with 'our' dog. However, today an overwhelming feeling of emptiness came over me. I realized I'm building this home that my ex will not be in. I realize this is the whole point but it was just- an incredibly sad feeling. I'm sure I'll decorate my new house very well with a lot of 'nice' things but in the end I know what is really important to me- having a family of my own, sharing the ups and downs with someone and I still have the fear that I won't be able to have those feelings for someone again. I don't fall for anyone easily.

 

I've also apprehensively moved back to my old hometown which doesn't necessarily fit my 'spirit'. I came from living in a bigger city near the mountains and was used to constantly having something to do and being around more like minded, active people. Here, in my hometown, people think they're outdoorsy if they sit on their front porch in a rocking chair. While I'm not ready to date, I do 'worry' that I won't be able to find a guy that wants a similar lifestyle as I want and have been used to- hiking, snowboarding, mountain biking, camping, concerts, and international travel to name a few. I know this isn't something I need to be focusing on right now at all, but it does creep in.

 

I guess I just wanted to share my mixed emotions as I focus on my healing and rebuilding. I'm trying to practice stillness, contentment and really get clear on what I want. I have fears of not being able to move past this or repeating this with someone else- different person, same **** sort of thing. I've also been especially shaken by this as I didn't see it coming. Fear of- how will this not happen again?

 

On another note, I was inspired about a month ago with a business idea that was inspired by my breakup. So, I might eventually be able to spin this experience into entrepreneurship and it might be able to keep me busy where I don't miss the bigger city and mountains as much. Maybe after some time has passed, I'll come here and float it by every one and see reactions!

 

Hey there, I can very much relate to your mixed feelings. The parts in bold sound like very similar to my situation! I have moved to a smaller city after the breakup and I was so used to the big city life (abroad) for three years. Everything and everybody seemed to be more open minded there, the possibilities where more sparkling, I just loved living there. (But it was just too expensive for me alone) So it's well put that it doesn't "fit my spirits" either to have moved back to my previous hometown. Now I have build my own home and everything is really okay. Nice, okay, the move went well, I like my new place. BUT I also realize that this nice new home is without him, is a new life without him. I'm afraid of the unknown. I had hoped once I move away that he realizes his mistake of letting me go. But no. Nothing. I'm 33 by the way. And I also don't fall for anyone easily. This whole dating thing really puts me off. It can be scary. But I guess we just need to hang in there and "ride the waves". Just wanted to tell you how much I can understand you! You're not alone!