Not even sure that there is a future after separation

[old47]

Its my first post and I've been drinking so excuse my spelling and grammar. Thank god for spell check !!

I've been separated for a 14 months - my wife confessed that she no longer loved me and that our relationship had become a huge lie.

We have a17 year old daughter so our split has been amicable and controlled so we spare her any pain.

 

 

 

 

It has left me with little confidence in myself and the future seems bleak. we were married for almost 18 years and I cannot see a future without her. The thought of another relationship scares me to death.

Will it get better ? I seem to be carrying on just to ensure my daughter is happy . Its hard. Tell me it will get better or at least more bearable.

[Majormisstep]

Pour one for me Old because I am 18 months out of a 23 year M. Nope, not getting any better.

[old47]

Way ahead of you - cheers !!

Sorry to hear about your situation. Its as I thought. thanks for your honesty,

[Majormisstep]

I'm so sorry to hear about yours too.

 

Good news is (from what I've seen in my community), D men seem to pair up with new partners faster than the D females. My exH already has a new lady and I've been trying but can't get past a second date.

 

There is hope for you but you need to heal first....

[old47]

I think the healing will take a long time. I've spent time pulling myself apart ( I hope that's normal ) and there seems little to offer to anyone.

I don't want to rush into any relationship and carry problems with me.

Maybe I'm a one-off male !!?? I think that you cant love someone else until you at least like yourself. Its gonna be a while. Thanks again for your support.

[Mr. Lucky]

Single life is no different than marriage - you get back what you put in. Sitting in a dark room with a glass of 12-yr old generates very little return.

 

I used sports and groups as a way to get myself back out there. I joined every coed tennis, softball and volleyball team I could find. I also went to book discussions, charity events, etc with the added bonus that the time used was less opportunity to feel sorry for myself.

 

It starts with baby steps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Yeah, I'm five years out from a D and am enjoying life completely devoid of female companionship. When I look back, it was OK but not worth my time or life energy in the big picture of things. You were, fortunately, blessed with a daughter so have a lot to be thankful for.

 

It'll get better. One day at a time.

[Popsicle]

The thought of another relationship scares me to death.

 

Why?

 

Please don't be that low on yourself.

 

Sometimes a relationship ending allows you to learn to love yourself, which, as you stated earlier, then leads to you being better able to love someone else. The right way.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Popsicle

[old47]

Thank you all for your kind and positive words.

Its hard not to dwell on the past and easy to fill your life with regrets.

The future is out there, but it looks mighty scary at the moment. 'Baby steps' is a good way to start. One thing positive and good each day.

I've wanted to join a Gym for sometime. Maybe that's a place to start.

Thank you all again.

[carhill]

Here's a couple things I learned in MC which helped me:

 

1. Accept the past. This is different than 'dwelling' on it. We all have a past, we live in the present and our future is up to us to decide.

 

2. Work to achieve, consciously, one success each day and, if feeling down because everything else went to shyte, focus on that success and accept that it's OK to have failures or incompletes because, well, I succeeded with this. Each day is a step along the path of life. Tomorrow will get here soon enough. Deal with it then.

[PegNosePete]

I've wanted to join a Gym for sometime. Maybe that's a place to start.

Absolutely! And don't stop there. What else have you wanted to do for some time? Take up the guitar? Learn to SCUBA dive? Go bungee jumping?? You're free to do anything you like.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

. we were married for almost 18 years and I cannot see a future without her.

.

 

This is your primary problem right there. Your life has been about her for the last 18 years. Now you have an opportunity to start living for YOU.

Now you can start doing what you want to do and pursue things that interest you for no other reason than you want to.

 

 

Once you get out and start pursuing your own interests and doing things that you enjoy, you will soon find you are enjoying yourself. And once you start enjoying yourself, you will soon start enjoying being around other people as well. And once you start enjoying yourself and enjoying other people, people will start enjoying you.

 

 

And once people start enjoying being around you, then anything is not only possible - but probable.

 

 

First things first though. You have to start taking care of your body, mind and spirit. That means cut out the alcohol and any other drugs and intoxicants. It means eating right, getting some good exercise. Getting in touch with your spirituality and doing something productive with yourself and your time and not sitting around moaning and groaning and feeling sorry for yourself.

 

 

Hit the gym and burn off anger and frustration and get some of those feel-good endorphins in you. Tackle a project you've been putting off.

Get in touch with an old friend or relative you've been wanting to see but just haven't gotten around to. Take up a new hobby or get back into an old one. Take a class. Get out and do something healthy and productive.

 

 

Become you again.