Bad days/ Good days

[NewLeaf512]

I'm in the middle of a really blue time. It started last night and I'm hoping that I wake up tomorrow feeling better. As much as I know he's a tit totally and completely, I thought of something and the next immediate thought was "wait until I tell exMM about this!" Except that I won't be telling him that, or anything else ever again. It reminded me of after my Father died, for year I would actually pick up a phone to ring him then stare at the phone on my hand and put it down and feel empty.

[minimariah]

aw, sweetheart.

 

 

i know that feeling... i remember when my brother died - i was little but i still see something that makes me think of him and that i KNOW he'd like and i have this strong urge in my heart to run back home to tell him... & then the brain reminds you of the reality.

 

sucks.

 

nothing to say, really... hang in there.

write here, every single time you want to contact him - write here. helps.

[Lostkate29]

Totally know this feeling,my dad died too and losing him was like losing my best friend.... Now not being in contact with the ex attached man feels like I've lost another best friend, we had so many jokes and things remind me of him I think I need to tell him this but remember nope we can never talk again...

It really does hurt but I know in time just like losing those special people to god we will recover from this pain too

[Popsicle]

Hi Newleaf. I hope you have more and more good days.

[candie13]

I think it's a good analogy... that person is out of your life. Learn to share those good moments with your best friend, it'll make you feel less lonely and make you miss that married dude less. I love the company of hilarious people when I'm going through a down period. Friends are the best, do reach out to them. Stay strong!

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks all. The good news is that. It was only a subconscious thought. I'll never break the NC. It's just an impulse, like a habit or even a tic. I was going along there really well and this started. I've finally figured out what triggered me. It's the date. Before DDay he told me he would want to take the youngest back to university. Maybe that's why

 

There aren't more good days than bad ones yet , because I have another state of dysarthria called numb. Numb seems to be where I spend most of my time.

Edited August 16, 2015 by NewLeaf512
Grammar

[Fortunesfool 79]

The last two days have really rough....I been living on this site and bugging the hell outta my sister to have someone to talk to. I won't break NC because the alternative is no better...but the urge is there.

[Fortunesfool 79]

I can't sleep and I keep laying here wondering what she is doing and is she thinking about me. I know she isn't and I know this isn't healthy but it it's happening...I just empty my thoughts here. I feel a burning feeling in my stomach. I go from depression to rage to blah....glad I don't have my kids this weekend...gotta get it together.

[m4p]

I had one of a bad day too.. and usually there is no good days, more of "resigned days" or "indifferent days".

 

My trigger was our favourite music album that we played to death during our drives. Because of me he started listening to the genres that I liked and ended up loving it. I haven't played that album since D-day and I thought I'll be alright, then proceeded to have a mental breakdown (lol).

 

It was so horrible. Is this how it's like when you're on your deathbed and life flashes across your eyes? I remembered the tiniest details about him that I thought I had forgotten.

 

Sheesh. For the first time in months I decided to knock myself out with some sleeping pills and woke up today feeling slightly better. What a nightmare.

 

Hugs!

[Dela]

Oh dear, I know how u feel... Having something good happen and want to share with him, being the first person u think about when good things happen...

 

Numb seems the right word. U are still grieving and it s normal... It s been how long, 40+ days now...

I think it s more about "days/days filled with good moments between the bad moments". it s how I felt during NC. Everyday was bad, but still something good would happen (a friend tells a joke, a smile, a laugh, some small accomplishments, etc).

Hang in there. It s going to get better(they say), it s going to pass(they say), someday u will wake up and be just fine(they say)... But what we all think is WHEN?

 

Hugs

[Poppy47]

xMM's birthday coming on 19th. I won't contact him, but many memories spring from the date.

I have been feeling very unsettled and unhappy.... as they say 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS". Dunno who said it, but it's true.

 

Take heart everyone and sit it out.

 

Poppy.

[lemondrop21]

xMM's birthday coming on 19th. I won't contact him, but many memories spring from the date.

I have been feeling very unsettled and unhappy.... as they say 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS". Dunno who said it, but it's true.

 

Take heart everyone and sit it out.

 

Poppy.

 

It was Abraham Lincoln who said "And this, too, shall pass away." Great quote, thank you Poppy.

 

Sending you a big hug, NewLeaf, because unfortunately that's all I can do. I can't tell you when it gets better, but it will get better, and I really honestly believe that for both you and I. For me, I am terrified that it will take months and months, because I remember the worst breakup I ever went through and even though he was a lying sack of sh*t, it took about a year and me making some self-destructive decisions, before I started to feel happy again (this was a normal relationship, not an A, that lasted only 5 months). I keep telling myself that I am stronger now than I was at that time, 6 years ago, so it may not take as long. But when you were living in a fantasy for awhile, I think sadly it can take a long time.

[NewLeaf512]

Good news: I have no urge to break NC. I have more self respect than to chase someone who not only doesn't want me but has been pretty appalling.

 

 

Bad News: my mind is still twisted up with the "why the hell would exMM go through all of this, to the lawyer, get the retainer, tell his parents, start moving some of his belongings to his parents, make an exit plan with the therapist, and not have just done it on the nominated day (which was before Dday)"

 

 

The answer: he didn't want to.

 

 

The thing that gobsmacks me and leaves me in this state: Why didn't exMM Just say that!

 

I mean for goodness sake! "I'm not ready" "I can't" "I don't want to"

 

 

I know exMM loves BW on many levels. He doesn't physically love her. I know every OW thinks that. As I knew her, and she is 5'3 and is 19 stone for the last 5 years, and exMM is in good health, before there was an A when we were just friends, he told me they were in therapy about lack of marital relations and it was BW who wanted the therapy. exMM wanted to be in the therapy but he didn't want to bring up BW weight as it was a very sensitive subject. Since exMM chose BW I really hopes he is truthful, so they can work on things to effect positive changes or exMM is just going to do this again.

 

 

As for me, I keep telling myself I have little right to be hurting when really it is BW who is probably destroyed.

[Goodbye]

Grief is normal. Grieving is good to heal and move on. Just don't contact...like pulling a scab off and you'll need to grieve and heal all over.

[NewLeaf512]

Grief is normal. Grieving is good to heal and move on. Just don't contact...like pulling a scab off and you'll need to grieve and heal all over.

 

Thanks for your post. I won't ever contact. The fact is I am very disappointed in myself.

[Dutchman1]

Thanks all. The good news is that. It was only a subconscious thought. I'll never break the NC. It's just an impulse, like a habit or even a tic. I was going along there really well and this started. I've finally figured out what triggered me. It's the date. Before DDay he told me he would want to take the youngest back to university. Maybe that's why

 

There aren't more good days than bad ones yet , because I have another state of dysarthria called numb. Numb seems to be where I spend most of my time.

 

Dear NewLeaf512,

 

Numbness is a state of mind, it is in fact one of our human emotions.

It could be it has brought you to a transition point.

Talk to people and I think most important have a discussion with yourself right now being in this state of mind.

Trust your gut and common sense.

Like people say in the U.S follow your dream and you can become.who you want to be.

 

Real life and real people deserve you, and you deserve real people and a real and happy life.

 

Take care of nr 1. = YOU.

 

Dutchman 1

[NewLeaf512]

Dear NewLeaf512,

 

Numbness is a state of mind, it is in fact one of our human emotions.

It could be it has brought you to a transition point.

Talk to people and I think most important have a discussion with yourself right now being in this state of mind.

Trust your gut and common sense.

Like people say in the U.S follow your dream and you can become.who you want to be.

 

Real life and real people deserve you, and you deserve real people and a real and happy life.

 

Take care of nr 1. = YOU.

 

Dutchman 1

 

Thank you. I am trying to feel like I am worth something.

[Heatherknows]

I can't sleep and I keep laying here wondering what she is doing and is she thinking about me. I know she isn't and I know this isn't healthy but it it's happening...I just empty my thoughts here. I feel a burning feeling in my stomach. I go from depression to rage to blah....glad I don't have my kids this weekend...gotta get it together.

 

I know this feeling too well. It sucks eggs.

[NewLeaf512]

I know this feeling too well. It sucks eggs.

 

I'm sure they think of us, but that doesn't matter. I remind myself of this simple saying when my brain starts bouncing:

 

If he/she wanted to be with me, they would.

 

It's really that simple. Think of your proudest achievement. It was likely not handed to you. You had to work to get it. Maybe make sacrifices. Plan and execute until you succeeded.

 

I have put myself in exMM shoes. (With the assumption he really meant it when he said he loved me). I would face that my M was over and that I had tried M therapy several times. I would need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "I've tried everything and exhausted all avenues to make this work"

The I would create an exit plan making certain that my soon to be exW was taken care of fairly financially as possible. I'd prepare my new living space. And when this was all in place, I'd ask my Wfor a time to talk alone, and explain that both of us had been unhappy for years with no improvement in-spite of repeated efforts and I cared about her, thank her for all of the good things and tell her that I needed to end the marriage. That we both deserved happiness and that I had to go. I'd leave. I'd spend a year getting to know myself and getting a divorce, and if I still loved NewLeaf, I'd find her.

 

But things didn't go that way. I would have hoped if I was exMM that I would have sent me an email saying my decision, explaining why, and apologising for making me believe in an unreality and telling me there would be NC ever again.

 

When you want something badly enough there is no obstacle too great, nothing will deter you from your aim.

 

If he wanted to be with me, he would be here

[Shinebrightforever]

NewLeaf, you are doing great. Keep up the no contact. Just remember...you no longer want HIM.

 

You are worth SO much! You are worth more than MM was able to give to you. I hope the day comes when you WILL realize your worth because he will no longer be making you question it.

 

Want better for yourself. You deserve it NewLeaf!! Hug and stay the course. ❤️

[sunburned]

It was Abraham Lincoln who said "And this, too, shall pass away." :) Great quote, thank you Poppy.

 

Well not to TJ here, but is that true, lemondrop? I always thought that quote was biblical (corinthians?)

 

Regardless, yes it WILL pass. Be patient and hang in there!

[lemondrop21]

It was Abraham Lincoln who said "And this, too, shall pass away." :) Great quote, thank you Poppy.

 

Well not to TJ here, but is that true, lemondrop? I always thought that quote was biblical (corinthians?)

 

 

Sorry to go slightly off-topic with this, but regarding the quote... I learned something new today, thanks sunburned!

 

Per wikipedia:

 

"This too shall pass" (Persian: این نیز بگذرد‎, pronunciation:īn nīz bogzarad, Arabic: لا شيء يدوم‎ ("Nothing endures"), Hebrew: גם זה יעבור‎ ("Gam Zeh Yaavor"), Turkish: Bu da geçer yâ hû) is an adage indicating that all material conditions, positive or negative, are temporary. The phrase seems to have originated in the writings of the medieval Persian Sufi poets, and is often attached to a fable of a great king who is humbled by the simple words. Some versions of the fable, beginning with that of Attar of Nishapur, add the detail that the phrase is inscribed on a ring, which has the ability to make the happy man sad and the sad man happy. The adage and associated fable were popular in the first half of the 19th century, appearing in a collection of tales by the English poet Edward Fitzgerald and being employed in a speech by Abraham Lincoln before he became president.

[jwi71]

Thank you. I am trying to feel like I am worth something.

 

I see pages and pages of people who think you are worth something.

In multiple threads.

Multiple authors.

Multiple perspectives (OW,BS, etc)

 

Given all you have said, intelligent, attractive, accomplished, petite, up for a prestigious award...why do you see so little in yourself whereas we see so much more. And all of that...sight unseen.

[NewLeaf512]

I see pages and pages of people who think you are worth something.

In multiple threads.

Multiple authors.

Multiple perspectives (OW,BS, etc)

 

Given all you have said, intelligent, attractive, accomplished, petite, up for a prestigious award...why do you see so little in yourself whereas we see so much more. And all of that...sight unseen.

 

Good question. I will give an overview on why am I the way I am and what I am doing to work on myself. I was raised in a privileged household. My parents should not have been married to each other. They were ill suited and in the same profession and both had a very competitive nature. Their profession kept them away from the household Monday through Friday about 12 to 14 hours a day. My Mother came from what would be considered an upperclass background whist my Father was a "local man made good" . My Mother also has what is now known as Borderline Personality Disorder although I don't think it was called that at the time. From the day I was brought home from the hospital I was entrusted to the care of 2 Swiss Nannies and when they decided to try for a rescue the marriage baby and my brother came along, a 3rd nanny was added to the group, they all lived in.

My parents left in the morning before we had awakened and returned after we we were asleep. To this day I have a very strange accent because I was speaking High German and English at the same time. We were afforded all of the benefits of my parents incomes, piano, ballet, equestrian activities etc, but for me none of that was what I wanted. I wanted my parents love. At the weekend my mother would rush off to have her hair tinted washed rolled and set, and shop. She often bought very nice luxury clothing and toys for us but again I wanted her. I would do anything to please her or get her attention. It has been that way for all of my life.

My father on the other hand who was much older than my mother would rush to spend time with us at the weekend. He would laugh and joke, play tennis with us, swim etc. In the summer holidays my brother and I were each packed off to different sleep away summer camps for 8 weeks, me with my pony and he with his interest, in another country which also allowed the nannies to have a holiday too. I remember getting letters from my father and grandmother during these summer times, and after it was over back to the same routine. I was very lonely indeed. As my mother's condition became worse, and unmedicated if I did cross paths with her I never knew which mother it would be.

My father tragically died before I hit puberty while we were alone together of a massive heart attack on the pavement with the ambulance team working on him. I was terrified and confused and thought he was asleep. By the time January term came around we were shipped off to boarding school, me to a girls and my brother to a boys and we never went "home" again except at Christmas and Easter.

 

Starved for love and attention is why I have exceeded my career expectations. I needed to be good at something. The top of a pile. Validation of my existence.

 

I hope this answers your question.

[lemondrop21]

NewLeaf, after reading your back story (which was very well-written by the way) I'm wondering what you think about the idea that women who are used to a pattern of pursuing an unavailable parent are more likely to fall into affairs. I apologize sincerely if this seems like overstepping for me to draw these conclusions; I'm just curious and you are free to completely disagree with me. I am sorry you grew up with a mother who was not emotionally available to you as a child, and I wish you peace and healing; with parents, I think unfortunately the healing is a process that goes on for a lifetime.

 

As I've learned more about affairs and emotionally unavailable men etc., I've come to wonder if this isn't some sort of childhood pattern repeating itself for me. My father was absent for a chunk of my young childhood. My mother would emotionally pull close and withdraw, over and over, for pretty much as long as I can remember. So the A could be a repetition of the "chase" for either or both of their affections.

 

Very early on (a couple weeks in) MM told me that he was "all in," - not just in it for sex, but rather that he wanted a complete future with me. It started to cry a bit and felt overwhelmed with both happiness and helplessness. At that moment I felt more childlike than I have in years. This man was expressing a love that felt simple, pure and unconditional, because at that time he barely even knew me. My "inner child" felt like I was getting something I'd never had before. And that inner child also felt terrified because I knew it almost certainly would not come to fruition.

 

So I'm just starting to unravel how unfortunately, for me, this felt like a repeat of childhood trauma.

Edited August 17, 2015 by lemondrop21