Bad days/ Good days

[Fortunesfool 79]

When I came here thinking my A was different and special I quickly got brought down a peg and enlightened that nope, just garden variety cheating.

 

I'm a garden variety mistress and slut. I hurt so many people including myself and I brought shame on my own head and on my proffresion I deserve to disappear

 

We're all human NewLeaf, we've made serious mistakes. We're suffering for them now. There's still time to make better decisions and improve our lives. We just have to get through this first. You're not alone

[movingon123]

New Leaf, it doesn't do any good to beat yourself up. At the time, for whatever reason, it seemed ok. And it did to the mm, too. You now see that it wasn't, and you are doing what you can to make amends. You're not continuing it, you're not chasing him and you are no longer doing anything wrong. It's a learning experience for all involved and is life and you will be able to go on with life. You never know what is around the corner for you and you need to keep an open heart for that.

 

I just hope that your job change is truly necessary and not done out of extreme guilt. You need to move on with whatever is best for you, not for ex-mm, and if that's a job change then fine. But if it isn't, then I hope you stay.

[NewLeaf512]

All good advice, sadly none of that matters when you feel this worthless. x

[Starbright78]

New Leaf- You got caught up in something, you made a mistake and you are feeling the guilt. That makes you human, not worthless. Chin up and fake it if you have too. You have brighter days ahead.

[NewLeaf512]

New Leaf- You got caught up in something, you made a mistake and you are feeling the guilt. That makes you human, not worthless. Chin up and fake it if you have too. You have brighter days ahead.

 

I can't fake it. It's not really that simple is it? 54 almost 55 days. It should be getting better. And like I've said I've never once tried to shirk away from my part in this ever. Never.

 

How it got to him hiring a lawyer. Drawing up papers. Telling his parents. Telling my family. Getting accommodation. Going to therapy. For nearly a year.

 

And me allowing myself to believe it. All of it, doesn't exactly make a member of the brain trust does it?

 

And in the space of 8 hours going from being someone who thought they were loved to a crumpled up piece of trash tossed over exMM shoulder never to be given a second thought again doesn't make me worth much. So all in:

 

Stupid, worthless idiot who selfishly hurt BS when I should have been astute enough to know I was the biggest sucker on earth and have enough integrity to know I was hurting someone who never did anything to me personally.

 

Pretty crap

[NewLeaf512]

Day 55. day 5 in my run of hideous days. The weather here is typical for my location in summer. Rain, damp dark and maybe topping 17 degrees. I know there are a lot of folks who think in F so, by way of translation that's about 64 degrees F.

 

 

I wish I was asleep but I had my groceries delivered at 6am so I wouldn't sleep all day.

 

 

This may be hard to imagine and again people from America will likely find this funny. Although I live in a big city, I have a house with a garden (yard) which is not very usual in my part of the city. The usual situation is that if one has some outside space, it is a balcony, deck, or perhaps a courtyard, or maybe a shared garden that all the residences on a square have access to. My garden is 35 feet wide and 75 feet long. There is a patio bit that touches the house where I have outdoor furniture which seldom gets used, some laid to lawn so my tiny dogs can run around if they feel like it (not so much) and I used to love gardening so there are all kinds if fruit trees like pears and plums, hydrangeas, a huge stand of 2 kids of lavender, roses (I only like scented ones) grapes, raspberries, blueberries (not much happens there) blackberries, tayberries, pears, currents (3 kinds), apples, gooseberries. I have a little garden right next to a kitchen side door which has rosemary, chives, thyme, oregano, mint in pots, salad leaves, tomatoes which are a complete waste of time because they never turn red, courgettes, beans, chili peppers, basil, and a large bay tree (large to us is about a metre tall). There is one mature fig tree that gives loads of figs, which I hate but everyone else loves. My housemaid loves gardening too.

 

 

This year for obviously reasons (1 wallowing. 2. depression. 3. weather. 4. obsessive job hunt) did I mention wallowing and depression?

I've not don't much with it and lots of the fruit has just been rotting, on the vine or on the ground. Thankfully my housemaid picked berries all season and froze them. I cant remember if it was yesterday, actually it was Sunday I think, I hauled myself out there and picked everything that looked good and threw the rest in the closed compost thing. I took it over to 3 different food banks and saved some back for my hairdresser and his partner and my elderly neighbour. Fruit here is very expensive and when I thought about what a selfish cow I was being that motivated me. I usually love to harvest the produce, this year not really but it made me feel some better that at least someone might enjoy it.

Ill write more later, I think that the weather is making me feel worse than usual.

[lemondrop21]

Same here....I feel sick. Got the job I wanted and all I want to do is lay in bed, put a pillow over my face and scream. Made myself get up and go to the gym but just sitting here in the parking lot.

 

I have absolutely been there! You TRY to do something healthy and then can barely function when you actually go. I visited friends this past weekend and was supposed to have a great little getaway, but spent half the time privately wishing I was just curled up in bed. It was absolutely exhausting.

[lemondrop21]

NewLeaf, that's great that you took food to a food bank. Doing things for others is a huge step towards getting out of the wallowing I think.

 

That said, I'm so sorry to hear that you're on day 5. That's a lot of days in a row to feel so down.

[NewLeaf512]

I am going to start going to the gym every day. It couldn't hurt.

[Fortunesfool 79]

I am going to start going to the gym every day. It couldn't hurt.

 

It helps a lot Newleaf. Besides this forum and riding my bike it's one of the few things that keep me in the present and not crawling around in my skin. Hopefully it helps you the same.

 

Started the new job today and I was on auto pilot. Mind was all over the place....I used to have social anxiety couldn't do crowds. Now I feel so numb I can go places I used to stay away from. Seems like the volume is turned down on everything.

[Fortunesfool 79]

Insomnia helps with nothing.....

[NewLeaf512]

It helps a lot Newleaf. Besides this forum and riding my bike it's one of the few things that keep me in the present and not crawling around in my skin. Hopefully it helps you the same.

 

Started the new job today and I was on auto pilot. Mind was all over the place....I used to have social anxiety couldn't do crowds. Now I feel so numb I can go places I used to stay away from. Seems like the volume is turned down on everything.

 

 

Hi Fortunes.. I feel the opposite. My self esteem has taken such a knock I have nearly developed agoraphobia

[Poppy47]

Day 55. day 5 in my run of hideous days. The weather here is typical for my location in summer. Rain, damp dark and maybe topping 17 degrees. I know there are a lot of folks who think in F so, by way of translation that's about 64 degrees F.

 

 

I wish I was asleep but I had my groceries delivered at 6am so I wouldn't sleep all day.

 

 

This may be hard to imagine and again people from America will likely find this funny. Although I live in a big city, I have a house with a garden (yard) which is not very usual in my part of the city. The usual situation is that if one has some outside space, it is a balcony, deck, or perhaps a courtyard, or maybe a shared garden that all the residences on a square have access to. My garden is 35 feet wide and 75 feet long. There is a patio bit that touches the house where I have outdoor furniture which seldom gets used, some laid to lawn so my tiny dogs can run around if they feel like it (not so much) and I used to love gardening so there are all kinds if fruit trees like pears and plums, hydrangeas, a huge stand of 2 kids of lavender, roses (I only like scented ones) grapes, raspberries, blueberries (not much happens there) blackberries, tayberries, pears, currents (3 kinds), apples, gooseberries. I have a little garden right next to a kitchen side door which has rosemary, chives, thyme, oregano, mint in pots, salad leaves, tomatoes which are a complete waste of time because they never turn red, courgettes, beans, chili peppers, basil, and a large bay tree (large to us is about a metre tall). There is one mature fig tree that gives loads of figs, which I hate but everyone else loves. My housemaid loves gardening too.

 

 

This year for obviously reasons (1 wallowing. 2. depression. 3. weather. 4. obsessive job hunt) did I mention wallowing and depression?

I've not don't much with it and lots of the fruit has just been rotting, on the vine or on the ground. Thankfully my housemaid picked berries all season and froze them. I cant remember if it was yesterday, actually it was Sunday I think, I hauled myself out there and picked everything that looked good and threw the rest in the closed compost thing. I took it over to 3 different food banks and saved some back for my hairdresser and his partner and my elderly neighbour. Fruit here is very expensive and when I thought about what a selfish cow I was being that motivated me. I usually love to harvest the produce, this year not really but it made me feel some better that at least someone might enjoy it.

Ill write more later, I think that the weather is making me feel worse than usual.

 

New Leaf,

YOu have a house maid???

 

OMG. I think you need to realise how fortunate you are and put your BIG GIRL PANTIES on.

I don't mean to denigrate your feelings, but seriously, there are people in muc h worse circumstances than any of us. Some do not have a house, let alone a maid.

 

Life will get better for you. You will feel differently next harvest. Enjoy what you have now.

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

New Leaf,

YOu have a house maid???

 

OMG. I think you need to realise how fortunate you are and put your BIG GIRL PANTIES on.

I don't mean to denigrate your feelings, but seriously, there are people in muc h worse circumstances than any of us. Some do not have a house, let alone a maid.

 

Life will get better for you. You will feel differently next harvest. Enjoy what you have now.

Poppy.

 

Poppy having a live in maid is pretty much a requirement when you have pets and are away for weeks at a time. Additionally there are squatters rights here and to leave a house unoccupied in my city would be a bad idea. Money also doesn't make you happy. Thanks for your post

[NewLeaf512]

New Leaf,

YOu have a house maid???

 

OMG. I think you need to realise how fortunate you are and put your BIG GIRL PANTIES on.

I don't mean to denigrate your feelings, but seriously, there are people in muc h worse circumstances than any of us. Some do not have a house, let alone a maid.

 

Life will get better for you. You will feel differently next harvest. Enjoy what you have now.

Poppy.

 

 

Poppy you know I love you but this is really bugging me. Do affluent people hurt less? of course I know that I am financially fortunate. Ill give it all back to "un see" my father clutch his chest, say NewLeaf put your arms around Daddy sat I love you" fall on the pavement and die in front of my face aged 13. Or "unsee my H make another women PG and carry his child around whilst we were still married" or "unsee my husband standing f2f with me saying something to me, and putting a .44 magnum gun with a 12" barrel to his head and pull the trigger, covering your face, lips, skin with warm blood mixed with chunks of other brain matter, halving parts of his teeth embedded in your face so deeply the had to be removed from your face surgically leaving scars on your face just to remind you (in case you could ever forget) for the rest of your life. Or "unsee" feeling like I was being slapped in the calves and looking down at basically 1/6 of a head attached to a body crumpled at your feet who although they said died within 15 seconds, grabbed my ankle, apparently I was screaming my head off neighbours said to police, and at first spurting like a volcano from his neck soaking my trousers and almost immediately going to a dribble. Being in complete shock and disbelief, and the final and possibly worst part I knew exactly EXACTLY when he died because his hand released mu ankle

I ran out side screaming help, there were about 50 police, swat. ambulances, police and news helicopters, police laying in my driveway with GUNS POINTED AT ME.

being made to lay FACE DOWN hands behind my back on, my driveway, in front of the whole street.

 

 

Now, this wasn't told to you to make you pity me. Not to make anyone upset. Unfortunately this is REAL thing. A part of my life (and FYI I left out the really bad bits)

 

 

so that YOU and anyone else who thinks for one HOT Fing minute that not only do I have big girl panties, they are made of solid steel and they are always pulled UP. I had to deal with all that, there are several more horrific complicating factors which I cant reveal here because it compromises my identity, there was a 3rd party involved (no OM or OW) who also got shot MULIPLE TIMES rendering this person disabled for life while they tried to get between my H and I and to whom I am responsible for financially, medically, and emotionally as the TRIED to save my life.

I had to get back in court in less than 8 weeks so I could earn my super salary to pay the private hospital because care of this kind is ASTRONOMICALLY EXPENSIVE

 

 

And if anyone here thinks, one a HOT second, that me having a house maid, hand bags or anything else that 10 years of uni, law school, writing in law journals, litigation for The CROWN as well as Private and basically Busting my hump for erases any of that, or makes it better, you take my life and money. I will switch with you if you are in a sheltered accommodation to unsee and unlive all that. And remember with all that you get the memories, the sweats, the PTSD, to be the Guardian of a disabled Adult, and you have to keep cranking out the super salary to have the machine keep going so the 12 hour days, the loneliness, never wanting to get close to new people, The valium, the insomnia.

 

 

And oh yeah just when you accept that this existence (because that's all it is really) you get breast cancer, have your breasts amputated, and a MAN who has known and supported you through most of this over the last circa 7 years says, "I'm finally separated, I'm in love with you, what you have gone through unimaginable, you are the finest, strongest person I've ever known, but I'm here now and you don't have to do it alone again ever. I've got you baby it's all going to be ok."

 

 

yes I was an OW WAS. And I have thought about this. exMM tricked me that is for sure. He was and to my understanding, still is M.

 

 

exMM lived through that disaster with me as my friend. So if I seem a BIT more f'd up than other exOW on LS maybe someone can give me a little FING SLACK

 

 

Anybody? Open to a trade?

 

 

So please people live within your means, don't judge what might look to be a fine house, a fine car, and a housemaid to mean ANYTHING. Because lift the roof off my £several M house and peer in. ITS hell. Hell made handicapped accessible for weekend and Christmas visits. I put my make-up on. Scars from the teeth and bone cutting my face *Reminder. I use the loo which is 3feet tall for disabled people *Reminder!

Go to the kitchen down a ramp instead of stairs? *Reminder

 

 

And if I can get 30 minutes of forgetting by getting myself a handbag, you can bet brass tacs that I feel ZERO Guilt.

 

 

so... Anyone want to trade? send me a message if you think you can hack it.

 

 

Sorry Poppy this got a bit ranty. Just know, what things look like, means ZERO

[NewLeaf512]

On my thread I just posted a TRUE POST about something that I have been through. It's a very explicit part of my back story, so Mods please leave it up.

 

 

However if you are offended or upset about violence, about suicide, or things of that nature, I urge you to skip it.

 

 

I thought long and hard about whether to post it. I did so, because I think a lot of judging goes on. people reveal lots (some) and relatively little (some). We talk here about exposing, telling, no one knows the whole story and on and on.

 

 

People want to know reality. It grounds us. So The reason I posted is this:

 

 

I can yell from the rooftops I want to be authentic, I want other too also.

 

 

What I don't want to be is a hypocrite. So That is the AUTHENTIC.

 

 

I gave the people what they wanted. I was open, not writing in shame. I didn't do it. I am authentic now for all of you.

 

 

Please stop judging each other. It serves no purpose

Edited August 29, 2015 by NewLeaf512

[whatatangledweb]

OMG New Leaf, I am so terribly sorry . You are a very strong woman to have gone through that and not only survived but thrived. I have money. Yes, it is nice to have but you are right..it doesn't make you happy. Nor does it shelter you from bad things happening to you. Your MM is a dog to have played with you especially after knowing everything you have gone through in life. I wish that I could take some of your pain so you would not hurt so badly.

[NewLeaf512]

OMG New Leaf, I am so terribly sorry . You are a very strong woman to have gone through that and not only survived but thrived. I have money. Yes, it is nice to have but you are right..it doesn't make you happy. Nor does it shelter you from bad things happening to you. Your MM is a dog to have played with you especially after knowing everything you have gone through in life. I wish that I could take some of your pain so you would not hurt so badly.

 

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry that it came off as angry. I'm not an angry person by nature. People who are judgmental when they haven't walked in my shoes is a pet peeve.

 

In my particular case the fact that I'm minted by my own hard hard work may I add , is especially handy when someone who once was a very highly regarded Professor of medicine ( surgery) in our home country and after being shot in the head more than once to save my life but now is so disabled the only way to shut their eyes is to tape them shut (tiniest of example of severity) I am blessed and honoured to show respect by rearranging the house so it has a little internal flat so this person has privacy you should know they also have full time nursing staff. There is no way I'd let this person disintegrate in an NHS.

Hence super job worry.

 

I might have nice things but I can tell you this: no ring watch handbag or framed art ever asked me how my day was. Made me a cup of tea or held me all night.

[What_Did_I_Do]

NewLeaf, I am so sorry. So unbelievably sorry. This brings tears and sadness. Not for pity, but how many hits can the human spirit take before finally breaking down. I hope the moderators do not remove your post.

 

Your bad days are warranted for sure. Counselling may be like sticking a bandaid on a leaking dam....but it is something.

 

Many of us here were so damaged by past experiences (mine horribly abusive childhood) that we are desperate to find that love and acceptance, and then when we are tossed by these *sshat MM who promised everything, it is another and very difficult form of rejection. As adults we don't bounce back as easily as we did in our youth. Much harder to recover.

[NewLeaf512]

Thank fully I've been in therapy for years. It really helps.

 

When ex MM came along with his fake support, in my head I was counting my lucky stars that anyone could love this disgusting worthless broken disaster with more baggage than an airport luggage claim.

 

How wrong i was: and for what it's worth: there is no man on the planet who could hear the story in its entirety and not run like hell hence my acceptance of alone.

 

And as this isn't a competition site to this, for support for bereavement I also use griefnet.org (mods it is a charity)

[whatatangledweb]

 

How wrong i was: and for what it's worth: there is no man on the planet who could hear the story in its entirety and not run like hell hence my acceptance of alone.

 

 

I have to disagree with this. When the right man comes along, he will not want to walk away. He will want to protect you from futher hurt and pain. He will want to make you happy for the rest of your life. I had alot of baggage when I found my husband. Those things are what he wanted to do for me. He helped me heal from alot of what happened to me.

 

Don't give up on someone special. Your story makes me want to wrap my arms around you and keep you from harm. I don't want to run. The right man will feel the same way.

[NewLeaf512]

I have to disagree with this. When the right man comes along, he will not want to walk away. He will want to protect you from futher hurt and pain. He will want to make you happy for the rest of your life. I had alot of baggage when I found my husband. Those things are what he wanted to do for me. He helped me heal from alot of what happened to me.

 

Don't give up on someone special. Your story makes me want to wrap my arms around you and keep you from harm. I don't want to run. The right man will feel the same way.

 

 

 

Thank you Tangled, and I am sure for some people you are right. I cant let anyone else near me. I have a heavy obligation and I cant put me or them in emotional or physical danger. I was ok before.xx

[Poppy47]

Goodness Leaf, me thinks me unwittingly opened Pandora's Box.

 

Perhaps your ranty post was a good thing and will give people a better understanding of you.

 

My 69th birthday is looming.... as my life gets shorter, I realise that some are given blessed lives while others seem to have much more than their fair share of misery and heartache.

 

Leaf, the gods have not smiled upon you from an early age.

 

Do you think you can find happiness of some kind anywhere?

 

Poppy.

[NewLeaf512]

Goodness Leaf, me thinks me unwittingly opened Pandora's Box.

 

Perhaps your ranty post was a good thing and will give people a better understanding of you.

 

My 69th birthday is looming.... as my life gets shorter, I realise that some are given blessed lives while others seem to have much more than their fair share of misery and heartache.

 

Leaf, the gods have not smiled upon you from an early age.

 

Do you think you can find happiness of some kind anywhere?

 

Poppy.

 

 

Hi Poppy,

 

 

All of life is a Pandora's Box though isn't it?

 

 

And I've come to understand at my ages that happiness can mean different things for different people. I gave you an example of the happiness I got for years from my garden, and that it was only ruined this year, which will come back. I like to care for my friend and I (almost still) can orate by rote The Complete Works of The Bard. and am lucky enough to enjoy privileged Season seating at a very, very special theatre here the simply does just Shakespeare. I also love learning, I hold several advanced degrees that don't help me one wit in "real life" and when I am not in this state of desolation, am lucky to be able to take this crazy adult education classes while my friend is asleep and being looked after. My last one was how to apply hand henna for Indian weddings and fashion. I am not Indian, nor have I been to an Indian wedding, I just wanted to learn it. 4 weeks for £25 was a bargain.

 

 

What I know for sure is this: most of my tragedy (and there's been enough for a village, my friends say I have my own personal black cloud with no silver lining) combined with years of therapy, innate shyness, and degrees in human behaviour and law have made me a lawyer at the top of the pile. For (paid) work I am very specialist. I have aimed for the highest paying sector on purpose.

For my passion, helping others, I do tons of pro bono work: because I implicitly understand pain and what it is to feel completely out of options, and I care, and I can help. It's a gift I can give that is basically free except court costs and I get a lot of happiness.

 

 

In fact I was able to help someone right here from LS with some counsel who will remain anon unless the choose not to.

 

 

That is joyful for me.

 

 

So as to happiness, there is no one way everyone gets happy, it's up to me to find it for myself.

 

 

So yes I will be happy some day and ex MM will just be another fading scar under the robe.

 

 

NL

[Dela]

Hi Poppy,

 

 

All of life is a Pandora's Box though isn't it?

 

 

And I've come to understand at my ages that happiness can mean different things for different people. I gave you an example of the happiness I got for years from my garden, and that it was only ruined this year, which will come back. I like to care for my friend and I (almost still) can orate by rote The Complete Works of The Bard. and am lucky enough to enjoy privileged Season seating at a very, very special theatre here the simply does just Shakespeare. I also love learning, I hold several advanced degrees that don't help me one wit in "real life" and when I am not in this state of desolation, am lucky to be able to take this crazy adult education classes while my friend is asleep and being looked after. My last one was how to apply hand henna for Indian weddings and fashion. I am not Indian, nor have I been to an Indian wedding, I just wanted to learn it. 4 weeks for £25 was a bargain.

 

 

What I know for sure is this: most of my tragedy (and there's been enough for a village, my friends say I have my own personal black cloud with no silver lining) combined with years of therapy, innate shyness, and degrees in human behaviour and law have made me a lawyer at the top of the pile. For (paid) work I am very specialist. I have aimed for the highest paying sector on purpose.

For my passion, helping others, I do tons of pro bono work: because I implicitly understand pain and what it is to feel completely out of options, and I care, and I can help. It's a gift I can give that is basically free except court costs and I get a lot of happiness.

 

 

In fact I was able to help someone right here from LS with some counsel who will remain anon unless the choose not to.

 

 

That is joyful for me.

 

 

So as to happiness, there is no one way everyone gets happy, it's up to me to find it for myself.

 

 

So yes I will be happy some day and ex MM will just be another fading scar under the robe.

 

 

NL

 

 

Hei dear, how have u been? I just came back today. Catching up with your posts.

1000 hugs for u. I was worried.