Starbright78 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 New Leaf, it just goes to show that while someone's life looks peachy keen from the outside, we never know what personal hell they have went through in their life. I have no words other than to say it seems a person shouldn't get all you have been dealt. I'm sorry. ((HUGS)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 New Leaf, it just goes to show that while someone's life looks peachy keen from the outside, we never know what personal hell they have went through in their life. I have no words other than to say it seems a person shouldn't get all you have been dealt. I'm sorry. ((HUGS)) Amen to that Starbright. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 New Leaf, it just goes to show that while someone's life looks peachy keen from the outside, we never know what personal hell they have went through in their life. I have no words other than to say it seems a person shouldn't get all you have been dealt. I'm sorry. ((HUGS)) Thanks Star. I know this is going to sound a bit mad in some ways, but most of the time I feel pretty lucky. I got a good brain out of the gene pool lottery, good manners from my parents, the gift of an education, and somehow somewhere along the way a love and interest in other people, and the passion for helping them, I have pretty great friends (small ish in number but high on quality) and until this idiotic A a pretty sterling reputation. It might not be much but that is what I appreciate in myself. Being non-judgemental is a task I work at every day. every minute of every day people make judgement calls. Do I need a brolly? what rote should I take to my destination? etc. Human beings aren't made in factories. Each one of us is unique and different which is pretty exciting. Alas we are conditioned to judge our fellowmen from an early age, and then label them. The smart one, the dumb one, the pretty one, the rich one, the fat one, etc. What doesn't seem to be taught or understood are that these labels are not who the people under them are, nor do they matter. Then throw stereotypes in the mix, and then people start being excluded or included in our lives because of what WE have ALREADY decided about them before we even know them. example: Jane is over weight so she lacks self discipline and is lazy. I wont be wasting time with Jane. (reality Jane is just being diagnosed with hypothyroid and is the hardest worker in the office) Martha is so lucky, her parents give her everything she wants, her room is huge and she has designer clothes. I wish I was Martha. (reality: Martha has lots of stuff, and nice clothes but her house is nowhere you'd want to be because her father is a violent alcoholic who regularly is physically violent to Martha and her mother and Martha is afraid every minute of her life) I'd rather live in reality than in a world I made up in my head. TBH I cant believe how much of myself I have shared here to complete strangers. I don't usually tell my story because it seems too fantastical to believe, or many times people are so freaked out by it, they immediately become distant and drop me out of their lives. Thank you all for your compassion. It really means so much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 4 am and 3 zopiclone later still awake. Bullocks Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 an update and a bizarre accidental insight into exMM noggin. DAY: rated 2.5 out of 10. 1 point for being alive. 1 point for getting a job offer. and .5 points for not snapping anyone's head off (verbally) 1. job offer. points would be higher but, it's quite a bit less than my former role 2. idiot exMM accidentally sends me an email for youngest daughter whose name and mine have the same first few letters. "were you laughing at Dad last night when you saw that my most used emoji was the eggplant? I love it!" ok 1. youngest daughter should be at uni. 2. do I know what an emoji is. No I don't. Is Google my friend? You bet. For all of you who don't have the brain of a 12 year old boy, allow me to share: We finally have solid evidence that the ubiquitous crying-while-laughing face is the most used emoji in the world, and that everyone is using the eggplant as a dick, according to a new analysis from third-party mobile keyboard company SwiftKey. I have no idea what to make of this information. Have I just landed from mars? do adults understand emoji? This is a person I thought I wanted to fall asleep with every night. A exMM (boy) who uses aubergine symbols in text messages to mean dick. And exactly why would you be using an aubergine symbol to your 21 year old daughter? (she may be 20) Does the whole family participate in the checking of exMM phone for signs of adultery now? Completely Baffled Dot Com So if anyone has any answers don't hold back 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Yeah, that eggplant does sort of look like.... I have a teenage daughter so I know what an emoji is. But I'm a little confused by what you are saying. Are you saying that he accidentally sent you an email intended for his daughter with an eggplant penis in it? (scratching head...) Oh, and as for the day-rating system, I've had days (not recently) where I only earned 0.5 points for inhaling and exhaling (it would have been a full point, but breathing is an automatic function so I felt I didn't deserve that much credit). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Yeah, that eggplant does sort of look like.... I have a teenage daughter so I know what an emoji is. But I'm a little confused by what you are saying. Are you saying that he accidentally sent you an email intended for his daughter with an eggplant penis in it? (scratching head...) Oh, and as for the day-rating system, I've had days (not recently) where I only earned 0.5 points for inhaling and exhaling (it would have been a full point, but breathing is an automatic function so I felt I didn't deserve that much credit). Hi Hope, he accidentally sent me an email he meant for the youngest daughter, let's call her Mary. He refers to himself in the 3rd person as "Dad" and is saying to her basically.... "when you were going through my phone last night, did you find it amusing that I use the eggplant emoji as my most used symbol?" and then he signs off with 4 eggplant emoji Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Hi Hope, he accidentally sent me an email he meant for the youngest daughter, let's call her Mary. He refers to himself in the 3rd person as "Dad" and is saying to her basically.... "when you were going through my phone last night, did you find it amusing that I use the eggplant emoji as my most used symbol?" and then he signs off with 4 eggplant emoji Okay, got it. And I'm kinda... speechless. Seems like a weird thing for a father to say to a daughter, but hey, what do I know. Do you think he might have mistakenly-but-really-on-purpose sent that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Okay, got it. And I'm kinda... speechless. Seems like a weird thing for a father to say to a daughter, but hey, what do I know. Do you think he might have mistakenly-but-really-on-purpose sent that to you? I know it really was to her. Im in NC or I would have reached out and told him to delete all my information from his contacts on the computer and phone. The way that I am pretty sure of this is simple; I am fro a different country and I could tell even though it was brief that it was a mid email exchange, and it was written in kind of their own family language. They use a lot of Southern Lingo and abbreviations which are meaningless to me. Years ago pre A and when we were friends, he wrote a lazy email to me where he used his usual expressions and I had no idea what he was talking about, I don't remember them all but one was "C'aint never could" err....???? So, it was to her for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunburst Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 So, it was to her for sure. Hi New Leaf, I don't have much experience about eggplant emojis (Huh? Can't imagine anyone I know using it), but who knows what might be in his head. If your gut tells you it really wasn't an ''on purpose'' accident... I think he should be aware of your name there? I got an oops, not for you message once from my xMM. Well then he was still an active person in my life, but I was miserable about it all. My gut told me in seconds it was meant to get my attention, then I started wondering logically etc. You never know. Messes your head pretty bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm loving the points system for days. You guys crack me up. I'm giving myself 0.5 points today for wearing my yellow trousers to work in order to look sunny and happy even though I feel miserable inside. NL, congrats on the job offer! Do you think you'll accept? Ok, the eggplant dick thing is really weird. NL, I do think you're right and that it was just meant for his daughter, due to the lingo that you mentioned. But it IS a weird thing for him to say to his daughter, and you may be right in thinking that you were, in fact, dealing with a man-child and perhaps you can take this as a bit of comfort - thank goodness you are NOT going to sleep with him every night. I know those thoughts only help to a certain extent, but they can help a bit. The other day MM told me about how he almost got out of his car (presumably to curse someone out) after they beeped at him at the stoplight. In our very small community, you CAN'T do something like that, as there's a very good chance you know the guy, and his son plays football with your son, or whatever. I was thinking hmm... repressed anger issues there... maybe I got lucky after all! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm loving the points system for days. You guys crack me up. I'm giving myself 0.5 points today for wearing my yellow trousers to work in order to look sunny and happy even though I feel miserable inside. NL, congrats on the job offer! Do you think you'll accept? Ok, the eggplant dick thing is really weird. NL, I do think you're right and that it was just meant for his daughter, due to the lingo that you mentioned. But it IS a weird thing for him to say to his daughter, and you may be right in thinking that you were, in fact, dealing with a man-child and perhaps you can take this as a bit of comfort - thank goodness you are NOT going to sleep with him every night. I know those thoughts only help to a certain extent, but they can help a bit. The other day MM told me about how he almost got out of his car (presumably to curse someone out) after they beeped at him at the stoplight. In our very small community, you CAN'T do something like that, as there's a very good chance you know the guy, and his son plays football with your son, or whatever. I was thinking hmm... repressed anger issues there... maybe I got lucky after all! Yes my exMM apparently has more issues than I originally understood so it is a very good thing I "lost" him ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 today: 1.75 1 for being alive .25 for people who can communicate like human beings .25 for the blessings I have .25 for the hope for tomorrow minus .25 rudeness in all it's forms 8 for heartbreak even if exMM is an idiot Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 overcast, cold and the usual. will give a more in-depth update after therapy Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) so I am cleaning out my laptop and external hard drives ( I know how to live on a Saturday), and I find all these voice messages from him I know I shouldn't have listened but I did dumb arse me Edited September 5, 2015 by NewLeaf512 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I know nobody died here and it was just an A, but I think the 5 stages of grief apply here a bit in my case. I think I've hit depression. I wish I knew how long these things lasted? Link to post Share on other sites
VJ84 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I absolutely believe that the 5 stages of grief apply here as it relates to any kind of loss, and is not just limited to death. We might make ourselves believe (and perhaps even feel ashamed) that it shouldn't be worth grieving in this way for a relationship that perhaps shouldn't have happened and shouldn't have meant something but the reality is that it did happen and it in fact meant a whole lot even if we can't admit it to anyone but ourselves (at least for me). A break up of any kind is a loss, regardless of the circumstances, and I think allowing ourselves to go through the grieving process is important. We have to realize that this kind of loss takes a lot of self control from our part. In a death we don't have to control ourselves about not breaking the NC rule because there is no other side to contact. However the hardship in this situation lies in the fact that we have to consciously let the person, who is still very much in existence, go and restrain ourselves during moments of weakness, particularly given how the internet has granted us so many easy forms of communication. Its always flabbergasted me how there are roughly 7 billion in the world and it only takes one to consume our minds and reduce us to such a state of misery. Every bit of it sucks. I only just joined this site and it has already been tremendously helpful in knowing that I am not alone in this process. Reading through others posts/replies has helped me to gain some perspective, keep my vision a bit clearer and know that I will get through this. It's nice to feel the weight being lifted just a little bit. I also know that there are and will be good days and bad days. While I wish I could get through this faster, I just keep focusing on taking one day at a time, placing one foot in front of the other until the good days will eventually surpass the bad days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I absolutely believe that the 5 stages of grief apply here as it relates to any kind of loss, and is not just limited to death. We might make ourselves believe (and perhaps even feel ashamed) that it shouldn't be worth grieving in this way for a relationship that perhaps shouldn't have happened and shouldn't have meant something but the reality is that it did happen and it in fact meant a whole lot even if we can't admit it to anyone but ourselves (at least for me). A break up of any kind is a loss, regardless of the circumstances, and I think allowing ourselves to go through the grieving process is important. We have to realize that this kind of loss takes a lot of self control from our part. In a death we don't have to control ourselves about not breaking the NC rule because there is no other side to contact. However the hardship in this situation lies in the fact that we have to consciously let the person, who is still very much in existence, go and restrain ourselves during moments of weakness, particularly given how the internet has granted us so many easy forms of communication. Its always flabbergasted me how there are roughly 7 billion in the world and it only takes one to consume our minds and reduce us to such a state of misery. Every bit of it sucks. I only just joined this site and it has already been tremendously helpful in knowing that I am not alone in this process. Reading through others posts/replies has helped me to gain some perspective, keep my vision a bit clearer and know that I will get through this. It's nice to feel the weight being lifted just a little bit. I also know that there are and will be good days and bad days. While I wish I could get through this faster, I just keep focusing on taking one day at a time, placing one foot in front of the other until the good days will eventually surpass the bad days. I'm taking myself an hour at a time today. I was doing pretty well for a few weeks and now I'm just devastated. I'm disgusted with myself, I'm incredibly hurt, and also gobsmacked. I hope acceptance is next . Link to post Share on other sites
movingon123 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I know nobody died here and it was just an A, but I think the 5 stages of grief apply here a bit in my case. I think I've hit depression. I wish I knew how long these things lasted? Absolutely. And I'm sorry that you know those stages so well. As you remember I'm sure, you will cycle through one and then back again through another you've already done. It's not a straight forward process. I keep going back through each one but I have actually just recently hit some periods of acceptance after almost 2 months. The silence from ex-mm is absolutely deafening and it makes me understand how he truly doesn't want anything to do with me. I do believe he probably misses me a bit from time to time, but he has clearly committed to his BS at this point. That knowledge is what is getting me to acceptance. I still have depression at times, still have anger, and I no longer have denial (I did those first few days). I don't think I ever did bargaining. These situations are just so sad all the way around. No other way to put it. I've just started a new job like I know you will be doing and it has been extremely helpful to have that to focus on. I still think of him every day but the grief isn't so strong anymore. I also feel that because it is said it can take the BS over a year, sometimes even 2-5 years to move beyond the A, we should not feel bad at all as the OW that at 2, 3, 4, or 5 months out we are still grieving. Hugs to you - I hope you have some good days again soon. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon123 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I'm taking myself an hour at a time today. I was doing pretty well for a few weeks and now I'm just devastated. I'm disgusted with myself, I'm incredibly hurt, and also gobsmacked. I hope acceptance is next . I've got all the same feelings here. The whole situation was just so much more than I ever foresaw and is so sad for everyone involved. I am naive, I know that. I wish I felt comfortable telling more of my story as I think it would help me but I just can't in this public space. Suffice to say that I have seen some acceptance and I hope you do, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 I'm taking myself an hour at a time today. I was doing pretty well for a few weeks and now I'm just devastated. I'm disgusted with myself, I'm incredibly hurt, and also gobsmacked. I hope acceptance is next . Don't beat yourself up NL. The only way out of the pain is to go straight through it and come out the other side. It WILL happen. It took me years to get to the point of ambivalence, to be honest. I'm not sure if that is reassuring to you (in that what you are going through is 'normal') or just more depressing. But as you have experienced, not every day is this dark, and it does get much better as time goes on. People who haven't gone through this crap have no idea what it feels like ("WTF!!! Just get over it"). And people in shorter-term A's or those that were not so emotionally intense don't go through it either, and don't get it. They think it just feels like the ending of a relationship. But it's SO much worse than that. Because you are not only wrestling with the loss of AP but you are mostly trying to come to terms with the fact that you betrayed YOURSELF and how to get yourself back. In my case I was also mourning the loss of my infant daughter (ex-MM's) so I think that exponentially added to the time that it took to get over it. Hang in there - better days ahead. Nothing wrong with taking it hour by hour - take it minute by minute if that's what you need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Leaf , I agree with Hope. The longer you have been involved, the longer it takes to become disentangled. Recovery from any loss isn't linear , as you probably know already. Sometimes you will experience one stage of grief for a while then go back to another. You are dealing with a few affair related losses simultaneously, so much more difficult. Nobody can tell you how long it will last....shame there's not a shelf life on grief,eh? Cheers Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 I've got all the same feelings here. The whole situation was just so much more than I ever foresaw and is so sad for everyone involved. I am naive, I know that. I wish I felt comfortable telling more of my story as I think it would help me but I just can't in this public space. Suffice to say that I have seen some acceptance and I hope you do, too. I know I have shared a LOT however there are some parts that I just cant even think about myself (the closeness, which was real on my side at least) I would have preferred exMM just to contact me and say he hated me and never loved me instead of what happened in my emotional mind, but in my rational mind, this is better. It's concrete and absolute, no questions. Just a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 5 today. Less angry just feeling befuddled still Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Don't beat yourself up NL. The only way out of the pain is to go straight through it and come out the other side. It WILL happen. It took me years to get to the point of ambivalence, to be honest. I'm not sure if that is reassuring to you (in that what you are going through is 'normal') or just more depressing. But as you have experienced, not every day is this dark, and it does get much better as time goes on. People who haven't gone through this crap have no idea what it feels like ("WTF!!! Just get over it"). And people in shorter-term A's or those that were not so emotionally intense don't go through it either, and don't get it. They think it just feels like the ending of a relationship. But it's SO much worse than that. Because you are not only wrestling with the loss of AP but you are mostly trying to come to terms with the fact that you betrayed YOURSELF and how to get yourself back. In my case I was also mourning the loss of my infant daughter (ex-MM's) so I think that exponentially added to the time that it took to get over it. Hang in there - better days ahead. Nothing wrong with taking it hour by hour - take it minute by minute if that's what you need. Please don't feel I'm even comparing my situation to yours because I can't even pretend to understand the loss of a child. I think it's going to take some time. That knowledge doesn't make me wish that I don't forget it all today.x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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