I'm a horrible person.

[Daisy1077]

This is my story:

 

I had been seeing this guy (Roger) for about two months. We became official about a month later. We originally met through a online dating website. I found out he was still flirting with girls on there. Which we talked and I forgave him for. Then I kinda just brushed it off, like it was nothing. Everything was going great for us. We were really happy.

 

Then one night we drink with his closest guy friends. I was nervous and ended up drinking a lot. His best friend was very conversational towards me and we had a lot in common. I met him another night before that. However, his best friend kissed me on the cheek. In which in return I said, "I'm with his best friend." I didn't think anything of it.

 

As the night progressed we all decided to walk to the bar. I walked in front of everyone in which his best friend decided to walk with me. I didn't really notice that we were about 20 feet ahead of everyone talking.

 

We got to the bar where my boyfriend at the time. Was buying a drink at the bar and talking to another girl. I asked asked his best friend if he thought she was hitting on him, in which he replied, "probably." I got upset and ended up blacking out for the majority of the night after that.

 

Apparently, his best friend took my hand and danced with me and there was major flirting going on. I was told that I told both my boyfriend's friend and best friend. That I liked," Fred more than Roger." I was also trying to sit on Fred's lap. In which I completely don't remember.

 

I was completely honest to my boyfriend about what I remembered and sincerely apologized over and over. I feel awful I've never done anything like this before...

 

When he confronted his best friend. He said that he did it, because he saw something bad in me and wanted to show him. He also said he did not kiss me. Of course...

 

My boyfriend was very hurt and broke up with me. I was prepared to do anything possible to make this up to him. Which includes quitting drinking. I love him very much. We wore going to work things out, but he said he needed space to see if he still wants me. I tried calling him this week and he picked up the phone and pretended he did not know me.

 

What do I do? I feel like a horrible person. I feel like my insecurity ended our relationship.

[Poppyolive]

It all sounds a bit toxic, dear.

 

Two months and you love him? He's flirting with other girls? I think this was his perfect excuse to bail. As for him pretending not to know who are, screams you have dodged a bullet. How old are you? Him?

 

I have under why you are so attached to this loser?

Also, please get help for your drinking/blacking out and getting up to no good. Nobody cares for sloppy drunk.

 

Move on will be easier than holding on.

[Daisy1077]

We are both 24. I understand that I have a drinking problem and am quitting. Regardless, if we're together. I put myself and others in a dangerous situation, nor do I want to ever make a mistake like this again.

He was the perfect gentlemen and we fell fast for each other. We felt comfortable right away. Usually being apposed to falling so fast for someone. This time felt different. It's hard to explain. He communicated that he did that out of wanting attention. His ex had hurt him bad. Which is why he is sensitive about the situation now.

[OldRover]

Daisy,

 

You have an awful rocky start for a really short beginning with this guy.... and NO you do not love him... you probably lust for him, but real love takes months or years.

 

He's flirting with others, and you're getting drunk and doing as bad or worse!

 

I'd forget him for now, clean up your drinking act and look for a better relationship.

 

If I were him, I wouldn't give you the time of day.

[d0nnivain]

After you get the drinking under control, some of this drama may go out of your life on it's own because a lot of it was probably fueled by alcohol although some of it is your perceptions of people.

 

 

You said you forgave your new BF for flirting with other woman on OLD. Honey, OLD is all about flirting with the opposite sex. Until you both agreed to take down your profiles & be exclusive, he was free to flirt with and date whomever he chose. There was nothing for you to forgive because he did nothing wrong.

 

 

Just because another woman is talking to your BF doesn't mean he's cheating on you. Even if SHE's flirting, that's not him doing anything wrong. People in bars flirt. You can not go around getting bent at your guy over somebody else's actions.

 

 

You need to draw better boundaries. I have danced & flirted with the buddies of past BFs & my husband's buddies but it's very G rated. The bright lines are quite clear. We just left a vacation with about 10 of DH's buddies. There were big bear hugs all the way around for hello & goodbye, but it's a family thing.

 

 

Your BF's buddy sounds like a tool btw. What kind of a guy tempts his buddy's girl in front of the buddy just to show the buddy that she's a tramp? The fact that you seem to have fallen for it, doesn't say much about you but you were in an admitted alcoholic black out of sorts so I'm going to assume that your behavior would have been better had you been thinking straight

 

 

Again, address your alcoholism then after you have a year of sobriety, revisit dating.

[LoveRefreshed]

Don't know where poppyolive gets off calling him a loser, but you effed up. Now you need to reap what you sow. It's okay though, take this time to focus on yourself and get your life in order.

 

I had and still do have a binge drinking problem. I have it under control for the most part, but I still do black out once and a great while (about once a year now) and these are the signs of alcoholism. My mom is one, my dad was one, and I was probably one too.

 

 

I got sick of waking up and having to hear stories to figure out whom I owe apologies to. You should focus on this and why you let yourself get to that point. Once that is gone, all of this other drama goes away.

 

 

Stopping this problem before its out of control is the only way to have a life with the ability to drink, otherwise, full blown alcoholism is on its way.

[Daisy1077]

We did agree to both delete our profiles before that happened. I gave him another chance, because his apology was genuine. I had no other issues after that. He treated me right and he is a good guy.

 

I completely agree that I'm at fault and take full responsibility. I've had time to think of it all and I just want to make things right for him. Regardless, if we're together again. I feel awful about the act that I made. Alcohol or not. I'm at fault. Taking measures that this will never happen again. I've learned my lesson enough, during this one time. Which means quitting drinking. Alcoholism runs rapid in my family too.

 

I'm not the overly jealousy type. I'm very trusting in nature. I feel I kinda shoved what he did under the rug and never really got to the bottom of it all. Which came out, while drinking. However, I was wrong to just assume. Regardless, of what his best friend said.

 

I'm not going to speak ill about his best friend, however I feel like he took advantage of the situation when I was drunk. With me telling him about what happened and telling him about my insecurities. I don't believe he is telling the truth, but what is done, is done.

 

You're completely right on me making my bed and having to lay in it. I have been the kind of person who likes to help people and seeing him hurt. Was just so awful. Knowing I did that. I never knew I was capable of even acting in such a way. It gives me a lot to think about.

 

How do I make him stop hurting? I appreciate the raw honesty that you have given already.

[Daisy1077]

My boyfriend didn't know what his best friend was up to. Then told his best friend that it was a set up, in which he took 'too far'. Which I find odd. Considering the last time he drank with us. He randomly called me pretty. When no one was around. In which I just shrugged off as being nice. After all, it was his best friend. I did not want to have bad vibes with him.

[LoveRefreshed]

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that the only thing you can do is just go forward with yourself. You've apologized once and that is all you can do. Just work on yourself and forget about him.

 

 

In time, you'll find another person you like as much, and this time you'll be better having focused on yourself and having learned from this experience.

 

 

If this guy does contact you again, and he is bitter, just explain you apologized and you can't do anymore. If he continues with anger, block him. You don't need to keep paying the price for one mistake. If he forgives you and you want it, then make it a promise to yourself that you will never again cross boundaries and hurt him.

 

 

Best of luck.

[Daisy1077]

Thank you. I appreciate your advice and will definitely use it.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Daisy, I hope you'll consider AA. You don't have to be a full-on alcoholic to gain understanding and insight. You may only go once but it's worth checking out.

 

I appreciate the raw honesty here too but .... shame and guilt often will drive you the wrong way. They become overwhelming -> you drink again.

 

Admit you have a problem -> good

Wallow in shame & guilt -> bad

 

AA really helps with this conundrum. It's a place to set aside shame & guilt & just work on the problem.

 

Best wishes dear

[Sweet Workaholic]

You are *not* a horrible person.

 

You're just a person with an alcohol problem. When you drink, you sometimes behave horribly. Not the same as being a horrible person

[OldRover]

Daisy, I hope you'll consider AA. You don't have to be a full-on alcoholic to gain understanding and insight. You may only go once but it's worth checking out.

 

I appreciate the raw honesty here too but .... shame and guilt often will drive you the wrong way. They become overwhelming -> you drink again.

 

Admit you have a problem -> good

Wallow in shame & guilt -> bad

 

AA really helps with this conundrum. It's a place to set aside shame & guilt & just work on the problem.

 

Best wishes dear

 

Daisy,

 

The above is good advise, but if AA doesn't work, find other support and help. I've worked with AA on two different occasions and I'm NOT a fan of their philosophy and unfortunately doesn't work well. However, there are good sources of help out there.

 

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF AN ALCOHOL ADDICTION! Its can be WAY worse that any other problem including cheating.

 

Sounds like you're young and you can fix it. There is also drinking with moderation (which has about the same success as just quitting all together. BUT YOU HAVE TO DECIDE TO BE SUCCESSFUL. You can get tons of support, but you won't be successful if you don't want to succeed.

 

For starters, set some parameters..... e.g.:

You will have no more than two drinks during any day or evening... set in stone.

Have a glass of water before you drink and don't drink on an empty stomach. as least have an appetiser. Have a glass of water between drinks.

Have at least three days a week that you don't drink anything.

Never drink alone, and never drink to solve a problem.

Have the guts, if someone offers you drink there, to decline, even if it sits there and no one drinks it.

 

I've been working with a friend over many years re: drinking and have studied and learned a LOT, over the past many years, and been to counseling, AA, camps, programs, etc. It's not easy to solve, and very easy to fall back to heavy drinking again... so I'm hoping that all on LS will give you support, you'll need it. Also, get support from your BF. You have a very young relationship with him... hope it goes well, and he could be a significant support (if he doesn't have problems).

 

This, perhaps is a start... set your own parameters, but set something you can live with and be FIRM about maintaining your standards. Under control, you will avoid costly mistakes, heartbreak and embarrassment.

 

Best of luck with that....

[Chi townD]

Okay, you messed up. You tried to get revenge and/or make your boyfriend jealous, but it backfired on you big time.

 

 

Sorry to say this, but chalk this up to lessons learned. Start living your life as if he's not coming back, because chances are, he's not.

[Space Ritual]

As a guy with nearly 20 years of sobriety, please do yourself a favor and do not make promises you will have no intention of keeping. When I was drinking, doing drugs and being a regular jackwagon anytime I did something incredibly stupid my default response was always "I'll quit drinking".

 

Well that worked for abut 2 or three days until something either social came up or some low drama where I could justify that to myself that "i can have a couple of drinks".

 

Well I couldn't. And every time I did something really bad I would always say the same thing. I never took the time to actually delve into what my inner demons truly were. Even when I wasn't drunk or high, the same problems were still there.

 

OP, if you are really going to quit drinking, just remember that your 24 is a lot different from my 24. You have a whole different set of social pressures than I did, and in many ways, yours are probably more intense.You need to be prepared to lose a lot of friends you think you have, but will dry up once you quit drinking. Because that's really all you had in common with them.

 

Although I applaud your statement that you will be ceasing drinking, I also want you to be realistic in that statement. It takes a boatload of self control even almost 20 years on for me. I ask you to please seek some actual counseling if you are worried about your behavior apart from what you described here.

 

Stopping drinking does not make your problems go away. They just make it more clear which ones you need to tackle head on. And if you don't tackle those problems, you'll be bellying up to the bar in no time.

 

Good Luck.

[Daisy1077]

My drinking issue is more on the lines of binge drinking. When I drink. I tend to feel addicted to the feeling and want more if it. In return I do have a tendency to get myself into trouble that way. Waking up with regret or not knowing what even happened. I actually got lost driving in my car later that night. I had no recollection of even getting in my car. I could of hurt myself or someone else. I don't think I could live with myself, knowing that.

 

Things happen for a reason. I'm a strong believer in that. Knowing I hurt someone badly by doing something, I wouldn't ever think of doing sober. That definitely woke me up. This is not a person who I want to be. Though, maybe life taught me a lesson. I wish I did not have to hurt someone else in the process. This is not a promise for no one else, but myself. This is something I want to do. In order to better my life. Regardless, if he comes back. I'll look into proper support and I know this will be hard. I seen my own mother go through the same thing. I may drink again after time goes by, but I feel when that time comes. I'll be able to manage it. I always work towards my own goals.

 

I don't think I did, what I did. Was out of revenge. Honestly, I think I felt hurt. His best friend was my crutch that night. I could not think clearly. Then on my own, made the decision to flirt with his best friend. I didn't think my boyfriend at the time cared. I do remember that.

 

I'm letting him go.

 

If it were meant to be. It would have happened that way. You would want someone to be there and be able to trust you, in a relationship. I messed that up though. I understand. It hurts me to know I hurt him. I wish I could change that for him. Let myself feel the pain and not him.

[Daisy1077]

................... .. .... ....

Edited August 17, 2015 by Daisy1077

[Spectre]

It all sounds a bit toxic, dear.

 

Two months and you love him? He's flirting with other girls? I think this was his perfect excuse to bail. As for him pretending not to know who are, screams you have dodged a bullet. How old are you? Him?

 

I have under why you are so attached to this loser?

Also, please get help for your drinking/blacking out and getting up to no good. Nobody cares for sloppy drunk.

 

Move on will be easier than holding on.

 

Right so the guy is a loser for how he acted, so you feel the OP is a loser as well..right? Would you say to her boyfriend he also dodged a bullet or are we playing the whole double standards game?

 

So if the boyfriend was posting would you be calling his gf a loser and are thus just not calling the OP a loser because..reasons and logic?

 

Note to OP: not saying you are a loser, just trying to figure out what must be some perfectly logic rationale to this person.

[Diezel]

Get help first. Worry about relationships later.

[Spectre]

My drinking issue is more on the lines of binge drinking. When I drink. I tend to feel addicted to the feeling and want more if it. In return I do have a tendency to get myself into trouble that way. Waking up with regret or not knowing what even happened. I actually got lost driving in my car later that night. I had no recollection of even getting in my car. I could of hurt myself or someone else. I don't think I could live with myself, knowing that.

 

Things happen for a reason. I'm a strong believer in that. Knowing I hurt someone badly by doing something, I wouldn't ever think of doing sober. That definitely woke me up. This is not a person who I want to be. Though, maybe life taught me a lesson. I wish I did not have to hurt someone else in the process. This is not a promise for no one else, but myself. This is something I want to do. In order to better my life. Regardless, if he comes back. I'll look into proper support and I know this will be hard. I seen my own mother go through the same thing. I may drink again after time goes by, but I feel when that time comes. I'll be able to manage it. I always work towards my own goals.

 

I don't think I did, what I did. Was out of revenge. Honestly, I think I felt hurt. His best friend was my crutch that night. I could not think clearly. Then on my own, made the decision to flirt with his best friend. I didn't think my boyfriend at the time cared. I do remember that.

 

I'm letting him go.

 

If it were meant to be. It would have happened that way. You would want someone to be there and be able to trust you, in a relationship. I messed that up though. I understand. It hurts me to know I hurt him. I wish I could change that for him. Let myself feel the pain and not him.

 

If you're going to sit there and try to say you'd of never done this if you were sober then you need to pretty much never ever touch another drop of booze again unless you are single.

 

You especially should not be saying "I know in the future I can control myself if I drink" because no you don't and I'd bet you cash money that a few days before this happened if I asked you if you'd be able to control yourself around other guys when drunk you'd say "absolutely" and yet here we are. Since it is either that or..prior to drinking you knew you couldn't control yourself and did it anyways which would be an even bigger issue.

[DJOkawari]

This is literally every 21-24 y/o girl I meet. Gets black-out drunk, cheats, feels bad. Does it again the next day. Ruins a relationship, hates herself, eventually blames it on the guy. Finds a new guy. Repeat.

 

The guys are no better, just have a different MO.

 

Just give up on the idea that any of this has meaning and keep doing what you feel like. You'll mature later in life...

 

Sorry to be harsh, we're the same age. I'm just tired of seeing the same drama with all of my friends. Embrace the fact that you're gonna **** around and enjoy your time.

[Spectre]

This is literally every 21-24 y/o girl I meet. Gets black-out drunk, cheats, feels bad. Does it again the next day. Ruins a relationship, hates herself, eventually blames it on the guy. Finds a new guy. Repeat.

 

The guys are no better, just have a different MO.

 

Just give up on the idea that any of this has meaning and keep doing what you feel like. You'll mature later in life...

 

Sorry to be harsh, we're the same age. I'm just tired of seeing the same drama with all of my friends. Embrace the fact that you're gonna **** around and enjoy your time.

 

Contrary to popular belief though people between the ages of 20 and 25 CAN enjoy life without f*cking a different person every week.

 

I'm not saying do or don't do that, just that I always see people act like the default behavior for every kid this age is "bang as many people as possible as if the very concept of sex is going to disappear from the universe".

 

I say this as a guy who was horny as hell at this age, but if I was in a relationship I wasn't bouncing off the walls with the whole "damn I'm in my 20's and haven't had my pecker inside 4 different females this month, I feel incomplete".

 

Everyone is different, if she wants to curb this behavior let her, if she doesn't that is fine too. But this line of thought bothers me just as much as the line of thought that is "if you are young then monogamy is just like impossible, you have a better chance of developing laser beams that shoot out of your eyeballs".

[DJOkawari]

Oh I don't deny that. I have friends that are the same age and are married and have kids. What's the difference? They don't get into situations like this. They don't follow the thought pattern exhibited in the initial post.

 

Can a person change? Of course. Is it likely? Never.

 

If she does change and posts bragging about it, I'll feel vindicated in my harshness.

[Diezel]

If she does change and posts bragging about it, I'll feel vindicated in my harshness.

 

So... wait... are you saying you are right either way and that's what you set up?

 

If she doesn't change, you are vindicated in your harshness.

If she does, you are vindicated in your harshness.

 

Hedging our bets, are we?

 

And as to the whole point of "Can a person change? Yes. Is it likely? Never." I can tell you right now, I don't embrace the same behaviors that I adopted when I was 24... nor some of the ones I had at 34.

 

Does a person change at their core? Maybe, maybe not. But some of the patterns and things they did decades ago are likely to change if they really it to. Like you said yourself, you are the OP's age, so you really have no point of reference when it comes to future behaviors. Your friends that are married and have kids? They aren't doing it because they are less likely to put themselves into those situations because of responsibilities. Trust me, ask those people if they'd want to... they'd very likely say yes.

[DJOkawari]

So... wait... are you saying you are right either way and that's what you set up?

 

If she doesn't change, you are vindicated in your harshness.

If she does, you are vindicated in your harshness.

 

Hedging our bets, are we?

 

I'm saying that I hope she proves me wrong but I doubt she will and, yes, I was being harsh on purpose.

 

And as to the whole point of "Can a person change? Yes. Is it likely? Never." I can tell you right now, I don't embrace the same behaviors that I adopted when I was 24... nor some of the ones I had at 34.

 

Does a person change at their core? Maybe, maybe not. But some of the patterns and things they did decades ago are likely to change if they really it to. Like you said yourself, you are the OP's age, so you really have no point of reference when it comes to future behaviors.

 

I'm not really sure how old you are, but please just because I'm younger than you don't presume I do not have life experience regarding change. Besides, you've actually supported my point...I said she would probably mature later in life. I wasn't even thinking "decades", maybe just 2 or 3 years. Your examples make you seem more fatalistic about this than me. I guess one aspect of being so much younger is that for me 2 or 3 years is a long time and a "decade" would be an incredibly long time.

 

 

Your friends that are married and have kids? They aren't doing it because they are less likely to put themselves into those situations because of responsibilities. Trust me, ask those people if they'd want to... they'd very likely say yes.

 

I agree with you on this. They aren't married for the "right" reasons. Largely no one is. That's a discussion for another day.

 

So, largely it seems we agree. All three of us. How interesting.

Edited August 18, 2015 by DJOkawari