the new normal

[Heatherknows]

Grapes, best of luck to you and I'll continue to watch your journey. Our stories are similar right now in some ways. Mine just got back from vacation as well. Texted me three days before he was back in town saying he had missed me "soooo much." The text was sent during his stopover in his hometown, and I believe it was right after he got off the plane from his anniversary trip with his W. Did your text you at all while on vacation?

 

Three days later he proceeds to tell me that the anniversary trip went well and helped improve things between him and W a bit. I told him I lost some respect for him because he texted me right after the trip, even though the trip had "gone well."

 

I also had asked him to stop by for 10 minutes on the day he got back instead of being forced to meet with him at work the next day. He couldn't even find a way to give me the pathetic 10 minutes that I asked for. After having missed me "sooooo much." He said it stressed him out that day because all day he was trying to figure out how to sneak away, and eventually concluded that he just couldn't. I felt like saying, I'm sorry that this has caused YOU stress.

 

I'm so sorry you're into this guy. I know how it feels to want someone who doesn't really want you but that doesn't mean you cannot find someone who does. It just won't be him and that's good. He's a liar and a cheat.

[lookingforclosure]

 

After having missed me "sooooo much." He said it stressed him out that day because all day he was trying to figure out how to sneak away, and eventually concluded that he just couldn't. I felt like saying, I'm sorry that this has caused YOU stress.

 

My xMM has pulled the "stress" card one too many times

 

"he just didn't need to communicate with me right now...understand it as he didn't need to deal with more stress" lmao

I replied to his message and he read it 15 days later and ignored me..I can't help he can't handle the "stress" he has brought into his "situation" as he calls it.

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm so sorry you're into this guy. I know how it feels to want someone who doesn't really want you but that doesn't mean you cannot find someone who does. It just won't be him and that's good. He's a liar and a cheat.

 

Heather: Please let me clarify. The issue is not that he doesn't want me. He does want me very much. On his terms, though. I don't accept his terms. I have made that clear to him. He is trying, as many here predicted, to manage me down into accepting some version of an A that works for him. I am unwilling to do that, so I am going NC so he gets the message.

 

I have not given away my power to him, nor will I.

 

And perfect timing...that's him now calling my desk phone. Thank you, caller ID. I'll just let that ring through to voice mail.

[minimariah]

caller IDs are EVERYTHING! i swear, LOL.

 

Grapes, hon... how are you? how are you feeling today?

is he calling and texting you?

[Grapesofwrath]

caller IDs are EVERYTHING! i swear, LOL.

 

Grapes, hon... how are you? how are you feeling today?

is he calling and texting you?

 

Hi Mariah: thank you for asking after me. I am doing okay today. It was the first day back to school for my kids, so a little bit emotional, but in a good way.

 

As for xMM, I vacillate between anger and sadness. Mostly I feel resentful toward him, and glad to be putting distance between myself and this experience. I think about him going away on his little trip with his family, emailing me once or twice during that time, then coming back home and going right back into his old patterns, expecting me to be waiting and willing to go back into this unsatisfactory situation. I have some anger toward myself too for allowing it to happen, but that quickly turns into resolve that I will NEVER do this kind of thing again. It's not for me. I realize now I'm ready for something real with someone.

 

Every once in a while I get a pang of sadness. I miss the connection that was there. I know I will find someone else in time, but I am grieving a bit the loss of what was unique between us. Also natural, I think.

 

I don't know if he is calling or texting my personal cell, as he is blocked on that. I have seen two calls thus far to my desk at work from him today on my caller ID. (I've been here about 4 hours so far.) I did not answer. I am not always at my desk, though, so he may have called other times and I didn't see it.

[Grapesofwrath]

He called my desk phone today from an internal line. Caller ID just showed internal call, and I picked up. I need to screen more carefully. He asked if I had plans for tonight, and I said I did.

 

A few minutes later he walked past my office door. Fortunately, there was someone in here with me.

 

I hope this isn't going to get ugly. Being the conflict avoider that he is, I figured he would just avoid me and the whole situation. Maybe, before going NC, I need to sit him down and tell him that it's over. That it has to be over. I don't want to go to that place of saying, "leave me alone or I'll expose you to your family" because I have no desire to expose this to anyone or create that kind of drama.

[CarrieT]

He called my desk phone today from an internal line. Caller ID just showed internal call, and I picked up. I need to screen more carefully. He asked if I had plans for tonight, and I said I did.

You could have just hung up on him and not told him anything.

 

I hope this isn't going to get ugly.

It is already ugly if it is causing you grief.

 

 

Maybe, before going NC, I need to sit him down and tell him that it's over. That it has to be over.

Nope. Just GO No Contact. He doesn't need an explanation. Completely ignore...

 

 

I don't want to go to that place of saying, "leave me alone or I'll expose you to your family" because I have no desire to expose this to anyone or create that kind of drama.

Why not? Doesn't his wife deserve to know the kind of guy she is married to?

[ShatteredLady]

Remember that this is a guy who cheated on his pregnant wife! He risked bringing STDs to his wife AND child!! Picture yourself when you were carrying your babies inside you. Really remember how that felt. Remember what this man is capable of! Does that make it a little easier? Do you have daughters? How would you feel if they were his wife or YOU? I wouldn't want that man living in the same world as my daughter let alone bringing him into her life as a role model.

Stay strong! You are a better person than this. How many good men have walked by unnoticed while you've been preoccupied with him?

[minimariah]

hang in there, Grapes. you're doing really well! & you're incredibly strong.

 

if he doesn't know you went or want to go NC - maybe you should just text him or something...? maybe just a short text in a "don't contact me, we are done and i do not want to discuss it any further" fashion?

 

or maybe CarrieT is right & you should just go straight NC until he gets a hint.

 

depends - what do you think the confrontation and sitting down with him and telling him that you're over, will do? is there a danger that you might get sucked back into the A?

[Grapesofwrath]

Remember that this is a guy who cheated on his pregnant wife! He risked bringing STDs to his wife AND child!! Picture yourself when you were carrying your babies inside you. Really remember how that felt. Remember what this man is capable of! Does that make it a little easier? Do you have daughters? How would you feel if they were his wife or YOU? I wouldn't want that man living in the same world as my daughter let alone bringing him into her life as a role model.

Stay strong! You are a better person than this. How many good men have walked by unnoticed while you've been preoccupied with him?

 

Shattered: Don't worry about my resolve to end this. It is unshakable. Funny you should remind me of this...as I was heading to work today I saw a heavily pregnant woman walking down the street. She is ready to pop, and looked beautiful and exhausted in the way that fully gravid women do. My first thought was "what kind of man would cheat on his wife when she is carrying his child like that?" And I remembered how vulnerable I felt when it was my time. Unable to run, unable to defend myself, unable to sleep well. What kind of person betrays someone like that, leaves her alone and defenseless while he finds some time to sleep with someone else.

 

It's not a question of whether this has to end. it's a question of how to do it efficiently and with minimal drama. That's why NC. He has found the gaps in it, though, and I need to figure out how to close them.

[ShatteredLady]

When I read that he had cheated when she was pregnant I pictured his hand on her belly & what that hand had been doing! I know how I felt carrying my children. Very much like you. You sound like a really nice, sensitive lady. Don't let this whole terrible experience change you for the worse. Yesterday has been & gone. All you can do is wake each day & try to do better. If you stumble & fall remind yourself of the woman & mother you TRULY are. Every single day is a step further away from this mess & a step towards the strong, self respecting, honest woman you really are.

[Grapesofwrath]

hang in there, Grapes. you're doing really well! & you're incredibly strong.

 

if he doesn't know you went or want to go NC - maybe you should just text him or something...? maybe just a short text in a "don't contact me, we are done and i do not want to discuss it any further" fashion?

 

or maybe CarrieT is right & you should just go straight NC until he gets a hint.

 

depends - what do you think the confrontation and sitting down with him and telling him that you're over, will do? is there a danger that you might get sucked back into the A?

 

I think he doesn't know, or doesn't want to know, that I need/want to go NC. I think he figures I'm going to be okay with everything, like I've always been. Even though I told him we were done, he probably thinks I'll change my mind. In that way, I can't really blame him. I have changed my mind before when trying to end it, especially when he cries and gets upset.

 

No danger I will get sucked back into the A. There is a good chance we could argue, but that's okay. He hates confrontation and arguments, so it wouldn't last long.

[Grapesofwrath]

When I read that he had cheated when she was pregnant I pictured his hand on her belly & what that hand had been doing! I know how I felt carrying my children. Very much like you. You sound like a really nice, sensitive lady. Don't let this whole terrible experience change you for the worse. Yesterday has been & gone. All you can do is wake each day & try to do better. If you stumble & fall remind yourself of the woman & mother you TRULY are. Every single day is a step further away from this mess & a step towards the strong, self respecting, honest woman you really are.

 

Thanks, Shattered. I am trying hard to do exactly that. The thing is, I am a nice and sensitive lady. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I did what I did. It's out of character for me. I have taken up meditation and have been meditating every day. It really helps, and in my meditations I ask his wife to forgive me for harming her, even though she doesn't know about this affair. I was taking something that didn't belong to me and it was wrong to do that.

[lemondrop21]

Thanks, Shattered. I am trying hard to do exactly that. The thing is, I am a nice and sensitive lady. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I did what I did. It's out of character for me. I have taken up meditation and have been meditating every day. It really helps, and in my meditations I ask his wife to forgive me for harming her, even though she doesn't know about this affair. I was taking something that didn't belong to me and it was wrong to do that.

 

I've been thinking of meditating too, Grapes, and you've pushed me to commit to doing it even though it's not something I've ever done before. Thank you!

 

The A was also so out of character for me... although I suppose no one wants to think it is their character.

 

Our stories and situations are similar and I am cheering you on. Hugs.

[ShatteredLady]

Aromatherapy, meditation & visualization have really helped me. I have a degenerative spine (I've shrunk nearly 4" in the last couple of years!) I live in so much pain & I live in emotional agony because of my marriage. If it helps me....

[ShatteredLady]

I didn't know you guys 'yesterday'. I just know who you are today & hopefully tomorrow. Fight through this. It's amazing what people can overcome in their lives. I wish you both a honest, kind partner in life & a "Happily ever after".

[unluckycharms]

Shattered: Don't worry about my resolve to end this. It is unshakable. Funny you should remind me of this...as I was heading to work today I saw a heavily pregnant woman walking down the street. She is ready to pop, and looked beautiful and exhausted in the way that fully gravid women do. My first thought was "what kind of man would cheat on his wife when she is carrying his child like that?" And I remembered how vulnerable I felt when it was my time. Unable to run, unable to defend myself, unable to sleep well. What kind of person betrays someone like that, leaves her alone and defenseless while he finds some time to sleep with someone else.

 

It's not a question of whether this has to end. it's a question of how to do it efficiently and with minimal drama. That's why NC. He has found the gaps in it, though, and I need to figure out how to close them.

 

Grapes, I can relate in that my ex also called my work number once I blocked him on my personal phone, effectively making full NC impossible. I'd resolve to ignore those calls but it was still crazy hard to sit at my desk and watch his number pop up on the caller ID when my office line rang. I'd be anxious for the next few hours. You give great advice on here so I know you've got this but all I can say is that I wish I'd stuck to NC the first time because once I gave in and returned the calls/voicemails that he left on my work phone I think he respected it less.

[Popsicle]

Heather: Please let me clarify. The issue is not that he doesn't want me. He does want me very much. On his terms, though. I don't accept his terms. I have made that clear to him. He is trying, as many here predicted, to manage me down into accepting some version of an A that works for him. I am unwilling to do that, so I am going NC so he gets the message.

 

I have not given away my power to him, nor will I.

 

And perfect timing...that's him now calling my desk phone. Thank you, caller ID. I'll just let that ring through to voice mail.

 

That's right. Torture him slowly like he did you.

[Grapesofwrath]

Grapes, I can relate in that my ex also called my work number once I blocked him on my personal phone, effectively making full NC impossible. I'd resolve to ignore those calls but it was still crazy hard to sit at my desk and watch his number pop up on the caller ID when my office line rang. I'd be anxious for the next few hours. You give great advice on here so I know you've got this but all I can say is that I wish I'd stuck to NC the first time because once I gave in and returned the calls/voicemails that he left on my work phone I think he respected it less.

 

Thanks, Charms. He also walked by my open office door and continued to call me. He would not drop by my office unexpectedly in the past, so this was clearly intentional. I don't want that sort of thing happening at work. I may get flamed brutally for this, but I decided to address it with him. Yes, this meant breaking NC. In my case, I'm glad I did it. He understood my point of view and I was able to say my piece, in public, to avoid a scene.

 

Actually, it was helpful to hear him say stupid $hit like, "I feel conflicted about what you're saying." Conflicted? What's the conflict? I said that this A is awesome for you, because you get everything, and lousy for me because I get crumbs, so I'm ending it. If you love me, you will help me do this because it is what is best for me. Help me see how this leaves you feeling "conflicted." And help me understand why I should care about your conflicted feelings. Ugh, the entitlement.

 

In any case, now I've done it properly. No loose ends. He can still reach me through work means, if he really wants to, but when I ignore it, he will know why and I don't need to explain that again.

[unluckycharms]

Thanks, Charms. He also walked by my open office door and continued to call me. He would not drop by my office unexpectedly in the past, so this was clearly intentional. I don't want that sort of thing happening at work. I may get flamed brutally for this, but I decided to address it with him. Yes, this meant breaking NC. In my case, I'm glad I did it. He understood my point of view and I was able to say my piece, in public, to avoid a scene.

 

Actually, it was helpful to hear him say stupid $hit like, "I feel conflicted about what you're saying." Conflicted? What's the conflict? I said that this A is awesome for you, because you get everything, and lousy for me because I get crumbs, so I'm ending it. If you love me, you will help me do this because it is what is best for me. Help me see how this leaves you feeling "conflicted." And help me understand why I should care about your conflicted feelings. Ugh, the entitlement.

 

In any case, now I've done it properly. No loose ends. He can still reach me through work means, if he really wants to, but when I ignore it, he will know why and I don't need to explain that again.

 

Ugh, that is rough that you're in the same office in him and completely selfish of him to pull those antics. I think it makes perfect sense in that context to explain to him that he needs to respect the boundary between personal and professional. My ex didn't work with me, but sometimes I wonder if he'd have respected NC more if I'd told him right away that it was unacceptable to contact me at work as that number was for professional purposes only. Sadly, in some ways it initially felt flattering that he'd go to such lengths to contact me when I cut him off, but now I'm seeing - as you pointed out - that if he'd cared at all he would have let me go.

 

Oh and the whole "conflicted" thing annoys me too. If these guys had any moral compass or sense of responsibility at all they would just do the right thing for us and their wives. They're only "conflicted" because they know they want to do something wrong and hurtful, know they shouldn't do it, but can't help themselves anyway. What a bunch of babies.

Edited August 22, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Grapesofwrath]

I thought I would circle back and let everyone know where this stands. I reached that stage of grieving that is the anger. Boy howdy, I was just pissed off. The thought of him disgusted me. The site of his name or anything associated with him repelled me. I reviewed in my mind past conversations we've had or things we've said and it set my hair on fire. He continued to try to get me to buy into some diminished scenario where he would come over for a few hours and "hang out" because we "are friends" and he "always wants to be in my life, even as a friend." Oh, gag me.

 

So yesterday, after going to acupuncture again, I had this fascinating vision, if you want to call it that. I lay down for a quick nap and, maybe it was the clouds moving past my window, but I had this vision of clouds parting and the sun coming through. In that moment, I decided it's time for me to stop thinking about him, his marriage, his life, his blah blah blah. Enough. He's had all the mental space he's getting. He offers me nothing. I don't want to hear about his life. I'd rather have no one than continue with this. Working on focusing on my friendships and my family.

 

It was hurting. But now it's such a relief to be free.

[Grapesofwrath]

Journal. Write it in a journal. When you feel your resolve starting to waver, go back and read the journal. The anger comes rushing back, and then some. And you can't discredit the source of the memories, because you are the source.

 

Our scars and our power come from the same source.

[NewLeaf512]

We are mirroring each other at this moment. I'm completely pissed off. Feel better soon (hug)

[norudder]

Its good to hear you're there! It was two steps fwd one step back to leave the anger stage for me. I know you'll be in the stage as long as you need to but I hope its not too long for you. Keep on keepin on!

[privategal]

Hi grapes, just wondering if the anger stage lasted or if you've gotten any weak moments of missing him? Is he still reaching out?