the new normal

[wbm665]

This is going to sound ridiculous...but...I can't successfully block texts on my phone. XMM texted this morning and I want to block, but there is no option for that. When I search online it says I need to download an app. I've done that, tried a few different ones, and none seem to work.

 

I have a Samsung Galaxy note 2, if that helps. I can add his number to the "reject" list to avoid calls but can't do the same with messaging. And the reject list will deny the call, but I can still see that he called. Does Samsung not understand the principle of NC?

 

I have the Galaxy Alpha and had the same problem, but figured out if I set his # up as spam, I block him. It's LOVELY. I had to find out how to do it on You Tube, but I am guessing it is similar.

 

For me, I have to click on messages, tap the 3 dots in the upper left corner, go to settings, down to spam filter, turn it on and then add his # under "add to spam numbers" and save.

 

Silence is golden.

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi grapes, just wondering if the anger stage lasted or if you've gotten any weak moments of missing him? Is he still reaching out?

 

Hi Private: Yes, I have weak moments. Not so much that I miss him, but I miss having someone in my life. I miss the affection and the closeness. That's when I go back and read the journal. I remind myself that it all had conditions on it, and that even during the happiest times I knew it had to end eventually. I also remind myself of how lousy I felt when he would abandon me for family vacations or whatever. How humiliated I felt when he would talk about he and his wife's plans to build a house on the family vineyard, or how "we" went here or there over the weekend. I mean...why not rub my face in it some more? That usually snaps me right out of it.

Edited September 14, 2015 by Grapesofwrath
I accidentally included my name.

[gettingstronger]

Hi Private: Yes, I have weak moments. Not so much that I miss him, but I miss having someone in my life. I miss the affection and the closeness. That's when I go back and read the journal. I remind myself that it all had conditions on it, and that even during the happiest times I knew it had to end eventually. I also remind myself of how lousy I felt when he would abandon me for family vacations or whatever. How humiliated I felt when he would talk about he and his wife's plans to build a house on the family vineyard, or how "we" went here or there over the weekend. I mean...why not rub my face in it some more? That usually snaps me right out of it.

 

 

Sounds like the reality of his situation has sunk in on you- thats a good thing- keep on staying strong-be good to you-

[cocorico]

Journal. Write it in a journal. When you feel your resolve starting to waver, go back and read the journal. The anger comes rushing back, and then some. And you can't discredit the source of the memories, because you are the source.

 

Our scars and our power come from the same source.

 

Grapes, you are sounding so strong and so positive. It is so nice to see you rediscovering your voice!

[Adoraxx]

I need to get into that anger stage too!!!!!!!!! It's so much easier to handle than just that awful sadness.. At the moment I'm still missing him so badly, hoping to hear from him even though I don't WANT to hope for that :/

[Grapesofwrath]

I need to get into that anger stage too!!!!!!!!! It's so much easier to handle than just that awful sadness.. At the moment I'm still missing him so badly, hoping to hear from him even though I don't WANT to hope for that :/

 

I slip into the sadness stage too. Did it just a few minutes ago! So I logged in to LS and reminded myself of why I should be angry. Then I thought it through...what would happen if I reached out to him? What would REALLY happen? He would respond to me, we would talk, and I might feel better for like 10 minutes. But then there would be another dagger. Another abandonment. Another humiliation. I would be right back where I started, only worse, because I would have given him my power.

 

I will not give away my power. Don't give away your power. Dignity. Self-respect. Integrity. All those things exist outside of the A.

[privategal]

Yes!! Ih my goodness so I need tge strength as for the 59th time my xmm has reached out to me in friendship and I asked him solidly today knowing this weekend starts a 2 week vacation, to focus on him and his family and to please leave me be, that we are of the past. That its over and it wad the most excruciating thing I ever had to do. Ive been picked up and dumped off so many times over the years. I was able to address that too. He said he hoped to fix that and properly introduce me to his wife so we could have the calls and friendship we deserve and not be a secret but the honest truth is I am cutting him out because I want my self esteem and dignity back. I dont want to give a rats @ss what he and his W do and I dont want breadcrumbs or petty friendship for ego boosts. I want what is real and what is honest and I want my life and integrity and self esteem back.

Thank you for showing strength even in weak moments it helps us to see someone moving forward.

I half expected a call on his way home to talk me out of it as he said he felt numb and sad but its for the best. Its gut wrenching to let go but moreso to stay in it. Stay strong and thank you.

[Grapesofwrath]

that's right, private. What kind of "friendship" is he really offering you? My xMM had the gall to offer me "friendship" too? I asked...will you introduce me to your family? Will you introduce me to your friends? Will you invite me to your parties? he answered in the affirmative to all of that, which, frankly, just made it worse. What kind of person introduces his ex-AP to his family and friends? Someone who wants a little thrill, that's who. Someone with a sadistic streak who enjoys knowing that he has a little secret that he keeps from his BW, that keeps him in a position of power and gets his ego stroked. No thanks. The world is full of possible friends for me. I don't need to stoop that low.

[Lovetoohard]

Hi Private: Yes, I have weak moments. Not so much that I miss him, but I miss having someone in my life. I miss the affection and the closeness. That's when I go back and read the journal. I remind myself that it all had conditions on it, and that even during the happiest times I knew it had to end eventually. I also remind myself of how lousy I felt when he would abandon me for family vacations or whatever. How humiliated I felt when he would talk about he and his wife's plans to build a house on the family vineyard, or how "we" went here or there over the weekend. I mean...why not rub my face in it some more? That usually snaps me right out of it.

 

This is a great strategy. For all the highs you felt, think of the lows. The feeling of him picking you and dropping you on his terms. Him not being there when you need him the most. I used to feel my stomach drop when he picked up his wife's calls or called her back immediately no matter what. I never got that. Or him talking about planning their kids birthday party or whatever. Just an awful feeling.

[NewLeaf512]

This is a great strategy. For all the highs you felt, think of the lows. The feeling of him picking you and dropping you on his terms. Him not being there when you need him the most. I used to feel my stomach drop when he picked up his wife's calls or called her back immediately no matter what. I never got that. Or him talking about planning their kids birthday party or whatever. Just an awful feeling.

 

We spent our one and only weekend together and at times prearranged by BS

 

Grapes did you buy yourself for a rewRd?

[privategal]

that's right, private. What kind of "friendship" is he really offering you? My xMM had the gall to offer me "friendship" too? I asked...will you introduce me to your family? Will you introduce me to your friends? Will you invite me to your parties? he answered in the affirmative to all of that, which, frankly, just made it worse. What kind of person introduces his ex-AP to his family and friends? Someone who wants a little thrill, that's who. Someone with a sadistic streak who enjoys knowing that he has a little secret that he keeps from his BW, that keeps him in a position of power and gets his ego stroked. No thanks. The world is full of possible friends for me. I don't need to stoop that low.

 

Oh wow. Imagine meeting everyone. What a crock. Im so irritated at the time I lost and how I let myself take blow after blow. I gave up so much time and self respect and hurt my husband because I pushed him away while grieving or rather I pulled away and I could tell he was confused and hurt and trying to help me.

He has the nerve to reach out to me but he won't be able to during his vaca at all and I am so relieved. I hope he DOES bond with his wife even more and forget me. I told him if he cared at all about me he would allow me to go on with my life and not reach out and let me go.

I truly am so done and I know I will always love him in some way but I love me more and I know my heart isnt in it anymore. I don't care about him the same or wish for validation or my own ego strokes. I do believe I stated it so clearly and indefintely today that he will not reach out again.

Ive never been so strong and clear with him.

I will miss him..but im not weak to him or need him. The friendship is not possible. I want to respect my loving husband and his loving wife. Period.

Ive truly gotten strong and am ready to fully let go and move the f#%! On already.

[Grapesofwrath]

Out of the blue, he called me today at work using an internal line that my caller ID doesn't reveal. I was surprised to hear from him. He had some song and dance about missing me and how "not talking feels wrong." I reiterated my stance and clarified that we are done. He suggested again that we be friends and I declined.

 

I did ask him one question that had been bothering me, " why did you do this? Why did you get involved with me? " he gave me the same answer about having such a strong desire for me, haven't felt this way in so long, blah blah blah. Then I asked, "why did you give yourself permission to have an affair?" To which he replied, " I really really wanted to." And there it is. Selfish selfish. Selfish. He wanted to. Everyone else be damned. He wanted it, he took it. Who cares if that hurts people.

 

I'm so done.

[lftbehind]

Oh wow. Imagine meeting everyone. What a crock. Im so irritated at the time I lost and how I let myself take blow after blow. I gave up so much time and self respect and hurt my husband because I pushed him away while grieving or rather I pulled away and I could tell he was confused and hurt and trying to help me.

He has the nerve to reach out to me but he won't be able to during his vaca at all and I am so relieved. I hope he DOES bond with his wife even more and forget me. I told him if he cared at all about me he would allow me to go on with my life and not reach out and let me go.

I truly am so done and I know I will always love him in some way but I love me more and I know my heart isnt in it anymore. I don't care about him the same or wish for validation or my own ego strokes. I do believe I stated it so clearly and indefintely today that he will not reach out again.

Ive never been so strong and clear with him.

I will miss him..but im not weak to him or need him. The friendship is not possible. I want to respect my loving husband and his loving wife. Period.

Ive truly gotten strong and am ready to fully let go and move the f#%! On already.

 

Why are you still upset about him? You didn't even have a PA, just a friendship?

[Popsicle]

that's right, private. What kind of "friendship" is he really offering you? My xMM had the gall to offer me "friendship" too? I asked...will you introduce me to your family? Will you introduce me to your friends? Will you invite me to your parties? he answered in the affirmative to all of that, which, frankly, just made it worse. What kind of person introduces his ex-AP to his family and friends? Someone who wants a little thrill, that's who. Someone with a sadistic streak who enjoys knowing that he has a little secret that he keeps from his BW, that keeps him in a position of power and gets his ego stroked. No thanks. The world is full of possible friends for me. I don't need to stoop that low.

 

My xMM wanted to be "friends" too. I truly believe it's to keep you as an option, or worse, like you said, to continue to get his ego stroked. No thanks, bud. Go be friends with your wife.

[Sassy Girl]

I just cut the chord on my friendship with MM too. His communication habits were quite rude actually and sure he doesn't treat normal friends that way so I told him I was closing the door. He agreed and that was that.

[Adoraxx]

Good for you , all the girls that mentioned cutting the cord on the friendships with the MM. I did the same the other week, told him I don't want to be his 'acquaintance' and wished him well and he'll never hear from him again, but I was stupid enough to read his reply which said how he read my email with 'tears in his eyes' while at the same time he seemed to say 'fine' and he even seemed to be relieved with me saying goodbye (even though he'd probably deny that if I would ask).

 

Anyway, after reading his reply, I cried even more and then replied to HIS email again because I had tons of questions. So I figured NOW that it's better to just disappear instead of sending him another heartfelt 'don't want to be your acquaintance' email...

 

It just sucks because he is my neighbor and there is always the chance of me running into him or him coming to my house and it makes me feel very very stressed.

[privategal]

Why are you still upset about him? You didn't even have a PA, just a friendship?

 

We were friends for almost 2 decades. Takes time.

[privategal]

Out of the blue, he called me today at work using an internal line that my caller ID doesn't reveal. I was surprised to hear from him. He had some song and dance about missing me and how "not talking feels wrong." I reiterated my stance and clarified that we are done. He suggested again that we be friends and I declined.

 

I did ask him one question that had been bothering me, " why did you do this? Why did you get involved with me? " he gave me the same answer about having such a strong desire for me, haven't felt this way in so long, blah blah blah. Then I asked, "why did you give yourself permission to have an affair?" To which he replied, " I really really wanted to." And there it is. Selfish selfish. Selfish. He wanted to. Everyone else be damned. He wanted it, he took it. Who cares if that hurts people.

 

I'm so done.

 

What a selfish jerk. I bet not talking to you doesn't feel right because it is damaging his ego. How could you dare move n from him he is thinking.

[privategal]

Good for you , all the girls that mentioned cutting the cord on the friendships with the MM. I did the same the other week, told him I don't want to be his 'acquaintance' and wished him well and he'll never hear from him again, but I was stupid enough to read his reply which said how he read my email with 'tears in his eyes' while at the same time he seemed to say 'fine' and he even seemed to be relieved with me saying goodbye (even though he'd probably deny that if I would ask).

 

Anyway, after reading his reply, I cried even more and then replied to HIS email again because I had tons of questions. So I figured NOW that it's better to just disappear instead of sending him another heartfelt 'don't want to be your acquaintance' email...

 

It just sucks because he is my neighbor and there is always the chance of me running into him or him coming to my house and it makes me feel very very stressed.

 

I am sure in your heart you may have wanted him to ask you to stay, its human. But he may seem relieved because he's selfish. All about him and its hard to tun down friendship but its a crummy offer. You are so much better off leaving him alone. Picture if you had sent him one more email that he shrugs or smirks or rolls his eyes. Never write again its over.

[Popsicle]

I just cut the chord on my friendship with MM too. His communication habits were quite rude actually and sure he doesn't treat normal friends that way so I told him I was closing the door. He agreed and that was that.

 

Was this recent? Because I thought you said on him that you still talk to him?

[Grapesofwrath]

My xMM wanted to be "friends" too. I truly believe it's to keep you as an option, or worse, like you said, to continue to get his ego stroked. No thanks, bud. Go be friends with your wife.

 

He went on about how he was "concerned" that if he "invited me into his circle" it would just be more painful for me because I would "see more" about his life. This was in reference to recent conversations we had that I didn't want to hear about his weekend with his family or his vacations with them because it hurt. Instead of being sensitive to why it might hurt me, he would just avoid the subjects.

 

One of the things I was thinking about last night was that xMM never future faked with me. He never indicated there was any chance for us to have a future together. Maybe that was better, I don't know. But right now, it feels so lousy to realize that as much as he said he loved me and couldn't imagine not having me in his life, he never once mentioned even a possibility that he would want a future with me. He must have meant that he was hoping we could always have this affair so he could continue to have everything in life at the expense of others.

 

He also maintained that he wanted to see me be happy with someone else and that his ideal outcome for our relationship would be to see me happily remarried and us being friends. Wow! The ego is astounding. Did he really think I would want to keep him in my life while still involved with someone else? that I would give him that kind of primacy in my life? Gob-smacked, over here.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Grapesofwrath

[Sassy Girl]

Was this recent? Because I thought you said on him that you still talk to him?

 

Yesterday actually. It was all amicable. Just realised that it was a period of our life we need to close the door on.

[privategal]

Yesterday actually. It was all amicable. Just realised that it was a period of our life we need to close the door on.

 

Im so sorry glad it was amicable at least.

[Popsicle]

He went on about how he was "concerned" that if he "invited me into his circle" it would just be more painful for me because I would "see more" about his life. This was in reference to recent conversations we had that I didn't want to hear about his weekend with his family or his vacations with them because it hurt. Instead of being sensitive to why it might hurt me, he would just avoid the subjects.

 

One of the things I was thinking about last night was that xMM never future faked with me. He never indicated there was any chance for us to have a future together. Maybe that was better, I don't know. But right now, it feels so lousy to realize that as much as he said he loved me and couldn't imagine not having me in his life, he never once mentioned even a possibility that he would want a future with me. He must have meant that he was hoping we could always have this affair so he could continue to have everything in life at the expense of others.

 

He also maintained that he wanted to see me be happy with someone else and that his ideal outcome for our relationship would be to see me happily remarried and us being friends. Wow! The ego is astounding. Did he really think I would want to keep him in my life while still involved with someone else? that I would give him that kind of primacy in my life? Gob-smacked, over here.

 

Lol Yep, my xMM said the same thing. I guess it never occurred to him that you actually might fall in love with someone and thus have no need for him in your life. He probably thinks you'll have a marriage just like his. He's crazy.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Popsicle

[Grapesofwrath]

Oh, sigh. Here he comes again. Left me a voice mail at work telling me he wanted to "say Hi" and asking how I'm doing. He is "experiencing the full range of emotions" (whatever that means...) and he would like to talk to me because he has "good stuff to tell me."

 

Of course my ego gets some kind of twisted gratification from watching him continue to try to draw me in, despite my clear statement that we're done and the subsequent NC. He is trying the "let's be friends" trope. Why would I want to be friends with someone who has shown himself to be deceitful, disloyal, and disrespectful to those he claims to love the most?

 

The rest of me is astonished by the selfishness. For someone who claims to love me and want what's best for me, he continues to pursue an A that is damaging, painful, insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful. Not just to me, but also to his wife and family. For someone who is "totally happy" at home, and loves his wife, he has a funny way of showing it.

 

I have felt such a sense of relief and lightness since ending this A. I feel like I have become unstuck from this horrible rut and the clouds are parting. I am sleeping better, eating better, drinking less, and exercising more. If the A is a fog, this is the part when the fog clears and you're left with crisp, clear, bright air.