ladydesigner Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 He must have meant that he was hoping we could always have this affair so he could continue to have everything in life at the expense of others. Yep sounds like my WS. He wants everything the way he wants it, wants control over everything too. My WS's actions and personality defect are starting to catch up to him now though. Friends, MOW, and family have now seen this very selfish and entitled side to him. I didn't realize just how ****ty of a H he REALLY was (as if the A wasn't bad enough), until he took the A underground at the expense of my mental health (after Dday 1 I slowly spiraled into a depressive episode and ended up attempting suicide once, second time to adjust my meds). Some of these MM including my WS have a truly evil streak it seems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 i feel for you so much, Grapes... you have no idea. hang in there, that's all i can tell you. i know it hurts & it's probably a huge emotional rollercoaster... try to be focused and positive, as much as you possibly can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 Yep sounds like my WS. He wants everything the way he wants it, wants control over everything too. My WS's actions and personality defect are starting to catch up to him now though. Friends, MOW, and family have now seen this very selfish and entitled side to him. I didn't realize just how ****ty of a H he REALLY was (as if the A wasn't bad enough), until he took the A underground at the expense of my mental health (after Dday 1 I slowly spiraled into a depressive episode and ended up attempting suicide once, second time to adjust my meds). Some of these MM including my WS have a truly evil streak it seems. I think control is a big issue when it comes to men and intimacy in general, affairs or otherwise. They can't let themselves be 100% vulnerable with one person its just too risky. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Oh, sigh. Here he comes again. Left me a voice mail at work telling me he wanted to "say Hi" and asking how I'm doing. He is "experiencing the full range of emotions" (whatever that means...) and he would like to talk to me because he has "good stuff to tell me." Of course my ego gets some kind of twisted gratification from watching him continue to try to draw me in, despite my clear statement that we're done and the subsequent NC. He is trying the "let's be friends" trope. Why would I want to be friends with someone who has shown himself to be deceitful, disloyal, and disrespectful to those he claims to love the most? The rest of me is astonished by the selfishness. For someone who claims to love me and want what's best for me, he continues to pursue an A that is damaging, painful, insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful. Not just to me, but also to his wife and family. For someone who is "totally happy" at home, and loves his wife, he has a funny way of showing it. I have felt such a sense of relief and lightness since ending this A. I feel like I have become unstuck from this horrible rut and the clouds are parting. I am sleeping better, eating better, drinking less, and exercising more. If the A is a fog, this is the part when the fog clears and you're left with crisp, clear, bright air. Awe grapes, I know that ego stroke feeling so well...that very cvoicemail is the kinda thing I would cave to many times thinking see...look he really cares, he can't stand for me to be out of his life...and of course Id be missing him...return the vm or email and back in I went sigh. I would love if you took your post and just copy pasted and emailed to him starting with the sentence in the 2nd paragraph....Dear xmm, why would I want to be friends... As you wrote it so perfectly...how could he read and argue with that? And see how his ego crumbles reading that. I fear that your in a dangerous spot having loved him and hes reaching out to you. It would be so tempting and easy to take the bait. If your strong enough...send that letter and nail the door shut. He's happy at home...hes happy at home...thats your mantra and you've gotta get beyond this hump and heal fully but you can't if he wont leave you fully alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 Maybe I am in denial, but I'm not feeling that much pain. Mostly, I feel liberated and relieved to be free from the daggers. In the past, I have tried to wrestle free of this A, and I failed to do so. For whatever reason or set of reasons, I wasn't seeing things clearly and I wasn't ready. Now I am. A previous poster really hit the nail on the head: This is a man who intentionally and cavalierly set out to deceive and betray the one person in this world who is owed his fidelity, loyalty, and truth. Not to mention the betrayal and deception to his children, who think Daddy spends all these nights in the city, away from home, because he is working really hard to provide for us. Why would I want someone like this in my life? Another thing...when interacting with him, he comes across as just the nicest, kindest, warmest guy. Generous, friendly, wholesome All-American. It's easy to be fooled by that. I was fooled by it, as are many others. I can stop beating myself up over that. What I must address with myself, however, is the knowledge that I would move forward in a relationship with someone who is so blatantly showing me his true colors. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Maybe I am in denial, but I'm not feeling that much pain. Mostly, I feel liberated and relieved to be free from the daggers. In the past, I have tried to wrestle free of this A, and I failed to do so. For whatever reason or set of reasons, I wasn't seeing things clearly and I wasn't ready. Now I am. A previous poster really hit the nail on the head: This is a man who intentionally and cavalierly set out to deceive and betray the one person in this world who is owed his fidelity, loyalty, and truth. Not to mention the betrayal and deception to his children, who think Daddy spends all these nights in the city, away from home, because he is working really hard to provide for us. Why would I want someone like this in my life? Another thing...when interacting with him, he comes across as just the nicest, kindest, warmest guy. Generous, friendly, wholesome All-American. It's easy to be fooled by that. I was fooled by it, as are many others. I can stop beating myself up over that. What I must address with myself, however, is the knowledge that I would move forward in a relationship with someone who is so blatantly showing me his true colors. I am so glad you see through this Mr. All American act. And maybe thats the trouble so to speak right THERE is as his once MOW I knew him extremely intimately, his deepest desires, skeletons, fears, demons, desires and things he could never share with even his spouse...I knew. But when it came right down to it...what people saw and knew of him was a family man...a great father...a charismatic noble upstanding family man....the same man however who was betraying his family and so deeply in love and ingrained with me...my life...our love....our secret...she was expecting....he was going to Sunday dinners with family...appearing to be the role model family man... For me it was soooo many years its not quite as easy to just let it go...but my eyes (and your eyes) are open...Ive felt relieg too...Still feel pain and wonder how it all happened and how it all falls apart..all I can say is Im getting stronger, have stopped crying, have started living again...and can see the benefits and possibility of being 100% free once and for all. Im beginning to feel hope and reality set in. Im really happy u are being strong. Its hard. Keep up the good work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 And maybe thats the trouble so to speak right THERE is as his once MOW I knew him extremely intimately, his deepest desires, skeletons, fears, demons, desires and things he could never share with even his spouse...I knew. But when it came right down to it...what people saw and knew of him was a family man...a great father...a charismatic noble upstanding family man....the same man however who was betraying his family and so deeply in love and ingrained with me...my life...our love....our secret...she was expecting....he was going to Sunday dinners with family...appearing to be the role model family man... For me it was soooo many years its not quite as easy to just let it go...but my eyes (and your eyes) are open...Ive felt relieg too...Still feel pain and wonder how it all happened and how it all falls apart..all I can say is Im getting stronger, have stopped crying, have started living again...and can see the benefits and possibility of being 100% free once and for all. Im beginning to feel hope and reality set in. Im really happy u are being strong. Its hard. Keep up the good work. I'm sure it would be much harder if I was in it as long as you, privategal. I also wonder if being a MOW is different than being a single OW in the healing process. I am single, and free now to search out a proper relationship that will feed me and nourish my soul. If you are in a troubled marriage, it's harder I'm sure. I don't want to put words in your mouth as to why, but I can imagine why it would be harder. Keeping moving forward and getting stronger. The only way out is through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Proud of your resolve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 I started reading Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl several months ago, when the A was new. One of the things that stuck with me was that she said if the A goes on for longer than 3-6 months, you know that this is a person who is comfortable with the deception, and that reveals the true character of the person. All in, we were 10 months. If I didn't put a stop to it, who knows how long it could have gone on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 So last night was a little bit of a struggle. Don't worry....I didn't break NC. But I had a few minutes of longing and considered it for a brief moment. I was feeling vulnerable, anxious about moving (at the end of the month) and really craving some sweetness, affection, and comfort. It crossed my mind, momentarily, to reach out to xMM.... Then it crossed right back out. I was romanticizing and glossing over things, just remembering the good stuff. I gently nudged myself to remember the pain and humiliation I felt every Friday when he left town to go back to his family and home. The way I felt discarded and abandoned. I remembered how much it hurt to hear all about his "great" life and "awesome" weekends with his wife and children, to the point where I ceased asking him about his weekends and established several No-Go areas, about which I desired to hear nothing. Today, back on track. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Grapes, re blocking texts.... did you ever consider installing an App on you Note. I got one from Google Play that worked. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 Grapes, re blocking texts.... did you ever consider installing an App on you Note. I got one from Google Play that worked. Poppy. Thanks for the thought, Poppy. I was able to do it through my cell phone service. Totally works! Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 you're doing great, Grapes! gets hard here and there but you're doing great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 I spent time this past weekend with a man I was involved with before I met the xMM. He is in the Coast Guard and was stationed here for a while, then he was reassigned to another area. He is re-stationed nearby for the next couple months, so he looked me up. He is not the great love of my life, nor will he be, but he is a nice man and we enjoy each other's company. He is easy to be around and we have no trouble finding things to talk about. I told him about the xMM and we discussed it, free of judgement. This was the first time I had been close to a man since ending it with the xMM, and I wasn't sure how it would feel. It felt great. There were no hidden daggers. There were no "No Go" areas in our conversation. We spent time together on the weekend! I can text him whenever I like! It was a wonderful relief to know that I was not betraying anyone or harming anyone by spending time with him. I could discuss it openly with my friends. Every day I feel more clear and strong now that xMM is out of the picture. To the point where, lately, I find myself not thinking about him for the entire day. Those of you struggling to get out or stay out, just keep moving forward. it gets better. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Go Grapes! Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm really happy for you Grapes! It is great to hear!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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