Important conversation with MM soon

[xxoo]

Happy Birthday!!! :bunny:

 

Dela, don't drag this same tired story into your shiny, spanking brand new year. It's time for you to write a new chapter. Start by trashing those flowers. Or better yet, give them to an elderly neighbor. Turn a negative into a positive.

 

What goals do you have for this year?

[beach]

Those flowers represent something big.

 

He expects you to continue being his ow.

 

He expects you to sacrifice YOUR happiness to be his side kick.

 

He expects you to be miserable with crumbs while he gets two helpings.

 

That's why he brought flowers.

 

By accepting those flowers - it's essentially selling your soul to him - and what he wants.

 

I'd write his wife a note - expressing how her husband dropped the flowers off to you for your birthday. Then take those flowers to her and hand them to her with the note that states you don't want to accept his "flowers" as "your birthday gift".

[the_artist_1970]

Those flowers represent something big.

 

He expects you to continue being his ow.

 

He expects you to sacrifice YOUR happiness to be his side kick.

 

He expects you to be miserable with crumbs while he gets two helpings.

 

That's why he brought flowers.

 

By accepting those flowers - it's essentially selling your soul to him - and what he wants.

 

I'd write his wife a note - expressing how her husband dropped the flowers off to you for your birthday. Then take those flowers to her and hand them to her with the note that states you don't want to accept his "flowers" as "your birthday gift".

 

I love this idea.

[beach]

His wife deserves to know who she's married to! She's considering having more kids with him because he acts happy to be married to her.

 

It's time she knows he's been cheating on her. That way maybe another child would be spared the lies and deceit of the family dynamics.

 

His wife deserves truth - and your the only one who's going to gift her that.

[Dela]

Thanks for ur wishes and ur posts.

I appreciate that u are concerned about me. We keep talking because i didn t tell him that i want to stop. I broke NC and we kept talking since then.

The times i was NC he didn t contact me. I did. I m not defending him. It s my fault. I broke NC. I allowed him "back". I am weak and confused and for some reason i can t stop it now.

 

His wife is not pregnant and he doesn t want a child.

 

So please if u want to "trash" someone, that someone is me. I broke NC and kept talking to him almost everyday. He could have just knocked at my door today and see me and give me the flowers(which would have made me even more sensitive and emotional) but he didn t. He knows i m mad at him for the last conversations so i don t think he s trying something.

And, for any reason, i had a nice bday because he moved his ass at 7 am to bring me flowers. It s not a huge deal, but for how i m feeling the last weeks this gesture has made me a little happy. And if those flowers made my bday a little better, well, si be it...

[beach]

Oh, ok Dela... For some reason I thought YOU wanted it to end... But I can see now that you are being clear that you are the one keeping it active.

 

 

I only suggested taking his wife the flowers because 1) she deserves to know what's real and 2) it would initially stop him contacting you.

 

But since you are happy about flowers and actively keeping in contact I will bow out now - as I misinterpreted your intentions.

[elaine567]

OH Dela, Dela, Dela.

 

What on earth happened to you in your life, that you do not feel you deserve better than this?

[Mount]

Really there had no NC at all, just a game of push and pull from your end. Anyway, understanding you want to keep the Relationship with this MM, but pls for the sake of yourself, your continuing the relationship is for you, only you, not to please him.

 

Assume the meeting place of your two must be at your place, so act like a queen or king, he is at your territory, he should and will have to do what you say, and no talk-back.

 

Ask him to give you the recent medical check record, to clean himself each time head-to-toe meeting you, to put on $%^ at that moment...etc, to buy you anything you want within his limit...etc

 

Again, you live for you and to please yourself first, get it?

 

 

Thanks for ur wishes and ur posts.

I appreciate that u are concerned about me. We keep talking because i didn t tell him that i want to stop. I broke NC and we kept talking since then.

The times i was NC he didn t contact me. I did. I m not defending him. It s my fault. I broke NC. I allowed him "back". I am weak and confused and for some reason i can t stop it now.

 

His wife is not pregnant and he doesn t want a child.

 

So please if u want to "trash" someone, that someone is me. I broke NC and kept talking to him almost everyday. He could have just knocked at my door today and see me and give me the flowers(which would have made me even more sensitive and emotional) but he didn t. He knows i m mad at him for the last conversations so i don t think he s trying something.

And, for any reason, i had a nice bday because he moved his ass at 7 am to bring me flowers. It s not a huge deal, but for how i m feeling the last weeks this gesture has made me a little happy. And if those flowers made my bday a little better, well, si be it...

[HappyAgain2014]

It s my b day today... He just left flowers for me outside my door and called when he left so i could go get them ****

 

i really don't want to rain on your birthday but wouldn't it be nice to have a man who could actually hand them to you and spend the day or weekend with you?

 

He couldn't because he had to go home to his wife. Trash the flowers.

[HappyAgain2014]

Thanks for ur wishes and ur posts.

I appreciate that u are concerned about me. We keep talking because i didn t tell him that i want to stop. I broke NC and we kept talking since then.

The times i was NC he didn t contact me. I did. I m not defending him. It s my fault. I broke NC. I allowed him "back". I am weak and confused and for some reason i can t stop it now.

 

His wife is not pregnant and he doesn t want a child.

 

So please if u want to "trash" someone, that someone is me. I broke NC and kept talking to him almost everyday. He could have just knocked at my door today and see me and give me the flowers(which would have made me even more sensitive and emotional) but he didn t. He knows i m mad at him for the last conversations so i don t think he s trying something.

And, for any reason, i had a nice bday because he moved his ass at 7 am to bring me flowers. It s not a huge deal, but for how i m feeling the last weeks this gesture has made me a little happy. And if those flowers made my bday a little better, well, si be it...

 

I'm trying to create an awareness in you so please take my comments with good intentions....

 

*You're making excuses for him.

*You're blaming yourself.

*You're missing the point of the child discussion. Point is he's having sex with her and considering a baby. Could you consider having sex with another man right now? No. How can he? Because she's his wife? Point is she's not you. If he valued you he couldn't bear the idea of it.

*He's not a victim in his marriage no matter what he tells you. All the I wish, shoulda woulda coulda someday comments he makes are meaningless.

*His effort to "move his ass at 7 a.m." is horribly pathetic. He's sneaking around like a dog and you're throwing him a bone by being impressed with it.

*Flowers are not divorce papers. Flowers don't change where you are and the reality that this is going nowhere.

 

Please stop bargaining this affair with yourself. Some of him is not better than none of him. Some of him prevents you from getting all of another man who is single.

[Southern Sun]

Dela - he is an ASS and you keep going back for more.

 

He is dealing with you in the weakest, most passive-aggressive, wishy-washy, BS way. He is trying to get rid of you without actually doing anything "wrong." He wants to come out looking like the good guy in this situation. Thus telling you his WIFE wants another baby, suddenly out of nowhere they are having more sex, this really has nothing to do with HIM. He didn't tell you NOT to get an abortion, but as you know, he wouldn't have been there for you. He didn't even break up with you. But he will never do anything because he wants you to do all the work.

 

Remember this - he is trying to shed you. The flowers are BS. He could have seen you and chose not to. He's doing everything to get you to completely walk and you keep coming back.

 

Please pick your head up and walk away.

[whichwayisup]

It s my b day today... He just left flowers for me outside my door and called when he left so i could go get them ****

 

I would return the flowers to his house. Or pass them onto a neighbour.

 

DO NOT think that he sent you flowers genuinely, out of care and love. Those flowers are manipulative and a way to get you to soften towards him.

 

Bottom line is, he's not leaving and divorcing his wife, chances are very high he and his wife are planning on having another baby (of course he's going to tell you he doesn't want one, or it's all his wife's idea), he's on board with that. So, where does that leave you? Still on the sidelines and a secret.

 

I wish you lots of courage and strength to end it and go NC once and for all. Every time you have contact with him, you hurt. He doesn't. He laughs and knows he can treat you anyway he wants and you eat it up and still stick around for more crap on a stick. GET MAD and GET FED UP. You don't need him, he's not a good for you. He hurts you yet you can't seem to detach and stay away from him.

 

Happy Birthday. Let your special day be the day you set yourself free of him.

[whichwayisup]

He is not trying anything. He didn t even ask me to meet. He just brought the flowers and left.

It s not an attempt to contact me. I was the one who broke NC.

Thanks for ur posts

 

Yes but he took your lead and brought flowers to you. That's intentional and a game play. Please tell me that you know this. Those flowers are far from innocent and genuine.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hope you had a good day! Enjoy your flowers and memories of your special day! Glad you had someone thoughtful enough to spread some light on your day!

[WakingUp]

Take the flowers to a nursing home and ask them to give them to the person there who needs them most. Turn those flowers into a positive thing, for someone else.

 

Men seem to think flowers are an easy fix. They are not. Anyone can walk into a shop and buy a bunch of flowers. They mean nothing.

 

Dela, darling girl, please get away from this man. He is poison. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you, dont let him do this to you.

 

(((hugs)))

[Dela]

Thanks for your posts.

I don t care what he is or was trying to do by bringing flowers because i m not going back in the A!! I am not defending him and blaming me, i m just saying how things are. I broke NC. He is not trying to get rid of me. He is texting me almost everyday and we mostly talk about our lost baby. He is having borrible remorse.

 

I am not trying to be mean, but aren t u all here for the same reason? For being involved or NC or moved on from MM? Didn t u all warn me that this being my first NC attempt, i could break it and start the A again?

I appreciate all your posts but i am a little surprised because u all know how hard this is and it s hard for u too and not easy for me!!!

[sandylee1]

Dela,

 

I see you taking responsibility and not jumping to blame him like a number of others are. It takes two to tango and you knew the score from the beginning.

 

Your MM is being called all kinds of everything here, but it's really just a case of a MM wanting some NSA sex with someone he likes, while betraying his wife in the process. She's the only one in oblivion and IMO the real victim in all this, even though she doesn't know it.

 

Of course he misses you as you miss him, that's only natural when you form an emotion connection with someone. The real problem was thinking it was okay to start this relationship with a MM and you have the added issue of getting pregnant so quickly into your affair and knowing if you had the baby, he/she would have had a part time dad and been a secret. Of course nobody would want that for their child, so all things considered you made the right decision.

 

When your ready to fully let go, you will and when you realise that this emotional rollercoaster is more than you can take, you'll jump off it.

 

Once you cross the line, anything can happen.

[Dela]

Dela,

 

I see you taking responsibility and not jumping to blame him like a number of others are. It takes two to tango and you knew the score from the beginning.

 

Your MM is being called all kinds of everything here, but it's really just a case of a MM wanting some NSA sex with someone he likes, while betraying his wife in the process. She's the only one in oblivion and IMO the real victim in all this, even though she doesn't know it.

 

Of course he misses you as you miss him, that's only natural when you form an emotion connection with someone. The real problem was thinking it was okay to start this relationship with a MM and you have the added issue of getting pregnant so quickly into your affair and knowing if you had the baby, he/she would have had a part time dad and been a secret. Of course nobody would want that for their child, so all things considered you made the right decision.

 

When your ready to fully let go, you will and when you realise that this emotional rollercoaster is more than you can take, you'll jump off it.

 

Once you cross the line, anything can happen.

 

Thank u so much. I just realized this is EA now... Not seeing eachother and no sex it s EA(i guess).

I did not take his gesture to bring the flowers as manipulation, as people here say. He always brought me flowers. And heck, it was my b day. He didn t come to bring them and get a quick one... I know flowers don t change a thing, i know it would have been great to have him all mine and actually spend my day with him.. I m no stupid. Bringing flowers is nothing he hasn t done before. Wish it was D papers instead, yes. I even said that to my friends yesterday(lol)

 

U all know how hard it is to just let go. After my pregnancy termination he didn t bring much this subject(baby), he always told me if i ever want to talk, he is there but he doesn t want to bring it up first because he afraid i don t want to talk about it(i had times i didn t talk to him about it) and times when he spent all night until 4-5 am to talk to me about how i feel, what i m thinking and all sorts of things. I wouldn t waste my time/nights talking to someone i don t care about, especially that he s not getting any sex from me now.

 

Since we broke up he seems to talk anout the baby all the time(what if/why he didn t encourage me more to keep it, he feels guilty for having this happen to me, for screwing my life like this, he feels guilty that a child had to die because of him. I feel the same things...

The only thing that is bothering me is him keep saying that he would have left his wife if i kept it... And i ask him: why can t u do it now? There s no pressure and u can make the decision because u want to, not because u have to because of the baby...

He looks at all this baby situation like an exit. This was his exit from his M. He told me that many times. It s as i ve seem here something called exit A, in this case was exit BABY and A. So if u put this this way, he won t leave his wife for me but he would leave his wife for another baby(and me because the baby comes with me). That s pretty ****ed up i know. That s what we ve been talking again these days. I m trying to understand the logic here....

[elaine567]

The only thing that is bothering me is him keep saying that he would have left his wife if i kept it... And i ask him: why can t u do it now? There s no pressure and u can make the decision because u want to, not because u have to because of the baby...

He looks at all this baby situation like an exit. This was his exit from his M. He told me that many times. It s as i ve seem here something called exit A, in this case was exit BABY and A. So if u put this this way, he won t leave his wife for me but he would leave his wife for another baby(and me because the baby comes with me). That s pretty ****ed up i know. That s what we ve been talking again these days. I m trying to understand the logic here....

 

He freaked out when you were actually pregnant and no doubt heaved a huge sigh of relief at the abortion, but now it is coming home to roost. YOU are not being a good little OW and taking the abortion in the chin and forgetting all about it, you are heart broken, so he has now to appear all remorseful and guilty, else be accused of being heartless by you.

 

"I would leave her in a minute, you know I would, for the baby and you, but Damn it! there is no longer any baby, so sorry, I cannot leave. It is all out of my hands..."

[georgia girl]

Dela,

 

I have read this thread all the way through and I can only say my heart breaks for you but I genuinely think you can't win here.

 

First, I do think he cares for you and that he feels guilty that you did exactly what he wanted and that was have an abortion. But I wouldn't kid yourself. You care much more than he does and he wanted that abortion. It's easy to say now that he didn't, because there are no consequences to face, but he played you well to convince you that abortion was the right step.

 

I also think he continues to contact you not solely because he cares. As manipulative as it sounds, I think he needs to keep you on his side and engaged so that you don't tell his wife that you had an abortion while they are trying for a child. He doesn't want his world blown up. I think that's why he told you and presented it the way he did. That he didn't want it, it was all her idea but sex had been happening more often recently because, after all, he's a man and he needs it.

 

At 26, you are just starting to learn this, but here's what happens when we love too much. You give too much and demand not enough for yourself. The relationship becomes unbalanced. Think of a stool with one leg too long. It can't stand. Neither can a relationship survive. The problem with a dynamic like affairs, is that there is an inherent inequity. Few relationships can actually overcome that inequity. Yours does not seems to have the equity that can realistically survive.

 

Take it from an old lady. There will be more love experiences and you will learn from each experience you will become a better partner and greater define the type of partner you want. That's why you date. Your only mistake is not being strong enough to walk away from the bad ones to save yourself.

 

Enjoy the flowers, but think of them as a goodbye gesture. Walk away and block all contact. This is for you. As much as it will hurt, it's time to learn to love again.

 

Hugs, GG

[Dela]

Dela,

 

I have read this thread all the way through and I can only say my heart breaks for you but I genuinely think you can't win here.

 

First, I do think he cares for you and that he feels guilty that you did exactly what he wanted and that was have an abortion. But I wouldn't kid yourself. You care much more than he does and he wanted that abortion. It's easy to say now that he didn't, because there are no consequences to face, but he played you well to convince you that abortion was the right step.

 

I also think he continues to contact you not solely because he cares. As manipulative as it sounds, I think he needs to keep you on his side and engaged so that you don't tell his wife that you had an abortion while they are trying for a child. He doesn't want his world blown up. I think that's why he told you and presented it the way he did. That he didn't want it, it was all her idea but sex had been happening more often recently because, after all, he's a man and he needs it.

 

At 26, you are just starting to learn this, but here's what happens when we love too much. You give too much and demand not enough for yourself. The relationship becomes unbalanced. Think of a stool with one leg too long. It can't stand. Neither can a relationship survive. The problem with a dynamic like affairs, is that there is an inherent inequity. Few relationships can actually overcome that inequity. Yours does not seems to have the equity that can realistically survive.

 

Take it from an old lady. There will be more love experiences and you will learn from each experience you will become a better partner and greater define the type of partner you want. That's why you date. Your only mistake is not being strong enough to walk away from the bad ones to save yourself.

 

Enjoy the flowers, but think of them as a goodbye gesture. Walk away and block all contact. This is for you. As much as it will hurt, it's time to learn to love again.

 

Hugs, GG

 

 

thank u so much. u re right.

i realize i m at the barganing step of the "5 stages of grief"... i realize i have to go forever NC.

ever since we start talking again, he told me that he won t do anything (now) and if someday he will and there s still feelings betwen us, he will look me up and i can choose if i want to be with him. that s why i keep saying that he is not trying to keep me around.

of course i m mad, of course i m furious.

i think i m trying to be there for him in the baby drama he s having now. yesterday he went to put the sculpture to the "grave". i don t think there s anyone in the world who wouldn t feel guilty being involved in an abortion.

i think he is having a hard time. so am i. i m always there for the people having a hard time. it was hard for me and i m trying to understand how he feels.

 

i even told him that ok, he didn t tell me to abort, but as u said, he didnt give me another choice. i told him i know what he did. he said he knows. he said he knows that if he would have been encouraging me more, i would have kept the baby. i know exactly what he did. and i also know it s too late for regrets and remorses now.

man are usually excluded from the abortion topics but i do know most of them feel guilt for the rest of their lives. of course it doesn t compare with how i feel.

[NewLeaf512]

I love this idea.

 

 

 

I don't love this idea. What did BS do? Why would Dela want to do that? That is for him to do.

 

Dela you know I think you need to go 100% NC. I also know you either love him or think you do. As long as you allow him to be in touch your hopes keep high and there is no good ending to this but no matter what the outcome it ends with you hurting more than you do now.

 

What can we do to support. I know that this is hard. If you need me I am here.

[Dela]

I don't love this idea. What did BS do? Why would Dela want to do that? That is for him to do.

 

Dela you know I think you need to go 100% NC. I also know you either love him or think you do. As long as you allow him to be in touch your hopes keep high and there is no good ending to this but no matter what the outcome it ends with you hurting more than you do now.

 

What can we do to support. I know that this is hard. If you need me I am here.

 

Thank u so much, i know u are i m here for u too

 

And no, i m not teling his W. heck, i ve been thinking, i could have done this when i was pregnant. why do it now? it s not going to bring him to my life.

 

the only thing in the world that would make me blow up his world is if i ever find out he s having another child.

i m sorry, but that time i will. "do not mess with a hurt woman"

he will then have 3 children to see 50% of the time (th reason he says he s not getting D).

[HappyAgain2014]

Thank u so much, i know u are i m here for u too

 

And no, i m not teling his W. heck, i ve been thinking, i could have done this when i was pregnant. why do it now? it s not going to bring him to my life.

 

the only thing in the world that would make me blow up his world is if i ever find out he s having another child.

i m sorry, but that time i will. "do not mess with a hurt woman"

he will then have 3 children to see 50% of the time (th reason he says he s not getting D).

 

So your abortion means his wife cannot have another child? If she gets pregnant, you're going to tell her?

 

You're laying a decision point on this unknowing woman. If your interests were positive, why wouldn't you tell her before she's pregnant with another child?

 

I know it's hard to accept but you're taking this too personally. She's his wife, of course she's the one who will have his children. No matter what he says now, he didn't tell you to keep the baby. He didn't leave his wife or children for your unborn child or you.

 

You are kidding yourself if you think you are going to control their lives with your threats. He apparently knows he has to manage you by focusing on the baby. Do you want that? Knowing it's just to avoid you going off the rails and telling his wife?

 

Stop the bargaining and this circle of false control. End this. That will benefit you the most. You can't mourn your baby and stay with him.

 

You will deny yourself an opportunity for a family with someone else waiting around for him. You've already seen what he's willing to do to his family.

[whichwayisup]

Thank u so much, i know u are i m here for u too

 

And no, i m not teling his W. heck, i ve been thinking, i could have done this when i was pregnant. why do it now? it s not going to bring him to my life.

 

the only thing in the world that would make me blow up his world is if i ever find out he s having another child.

i m sorry, but that time i will. "do not mess with a hurt woman"

he will then have 3 children to see 50% of the time (th reason he says he s not getting D).

 

This is pretty messed up thinking. And malicious too. You'd purposely hurt his wife, tell her about the pregnancy and your abortion if he has a child with his wife?! You should have told her when you were pregnant, not months after the fact because of her possible pregnancy. You went into the A willingly, now the A is over and as you say it's an EA currently on some level. Have you told him your plans on telling his wife if she gets pregnant, that you're gonna blow up their family? Really think this through before you choose to do this.....