Wife cheated and its my fault too

[NoLongerTrusting]

Not even myself as I played a very large part in destroying my own marriage.

We were just 2 years married and your sex life was amazing, we where both still in college and ever free moment was sent on sex.

After awhile she had asked me about my secret desires and wishes about sex. It took her several weeks but I started to tell her about other girls I had fantisied about over the years leading up to our marriage. She asked if there was any girls we knew know I wanted to have sex w/, which blew my mind so I told her her best friend was at the top of that list. She then told me she had talked to her friend about sex allot and they had compared stanama and sizes. Not being a big man I was worried where that was going but it turned out her friends husband did not like long love making sessions. She said her friend had told her on more than one occasion it would be nice to know what longer sex acts would feel like.

Man did that turn me on. Problem was I was a virgin when I married my wife and I could not bring myself to really wanting to have sex w/ my wife's friend, what if she was better, then would I ever like sex w/ my wife as much? What if she was horrible, would that kill all fantasy thoughts about sexy girls?

But the wife kept asking about sex w/ another girl so I turned the tables. I explained my fears about having sex w/ other girls but since she had had a great deal of sex before meeting me I would like her to share that w/ me instead.

So we talked and agreed she would call up her old fiance and ask him out for a night of sex. He of course agreed.

The day came and my wife set up a day at her friends house for me, by now our two families where very close and we where her friends second child's God parents. So I sat around watching the Partrage Family on TV and helping feed the kids all the while thinking, what if she actually goes through w/ this and they actually have sex?

Hours late she comes through he door and she is flush red and sweaty, even after the 1hour drive home from his home town. I asked her what happened and she was quite and said "every thing!"

Wow I had not really considered "everything" so we went to the bed room and I took her cloths off while she told me all that had happened and how it went on for 2 hours longer than we had laneed on and that after she realized the time was worried I would be angry she broke the agreement. I was, a bit, but I was also aroused by her descriptions of the sex. But she said she enjoyed it w/ him like she used to because she was so turned on and nervios I would be angry w/ her after for going at it for 2 extra hours.

That took me off guard, as I had asked her to do it so I would not feel pressured into having extra-martial sex myself. Now I had pushed my wife into having sex w/ another man, her ex lover. We had sex several times that night and for days we talked about what she did like and did not like about the experience. I asked her if she enjoyed it enough for another go and she said, "if you would like me to, of course I like having sex." I had lost all reality, I told her the next time she will be less nervous because I loved her so much!! (why I did not say I was a dumb butt and never thought you would actually play out this fantasy I will never know).

That, I thought was the end as she never set up a night w/ him again, so I had thought, but she told me 9 years later she had actually had sex w/ him quite often over the years in our home as well, and that she had done it because she was engaged to him first and she thought for the first 7 years of our marriage she had made the wrong choice marring me. (that made me feel so much better)

Now our marriage is on the rocks, but the killer thing is she is in full lets save this marriage mode) we are in counciling and one of the huge things I do not think we will ever get back, its been gone for some years now, is a sex life. We are lucky to do any thing once every 6 months and when we do I hate it and am too upset/mad/sad/whatever to enjoy it I told her what she gave to that other guy she can never get back for me so what's the point. Anyway we were started to get back to living i the same house when he has calls her up again leaving a voice message my wife needs to call him as his new wife has fibrosis, as does my wife, and he wants my wife to help his wife w/ the right doctors, diet and treatments as my wife had been down that trail.

Life is can be as good as you can make it and as bad. Think about that when sex fantasy talk comes up. You never know the other person's true reason for bringing it up in the first place. Thing is she yells at me all the time about me no longer trusting her. But with so many years of lies to deal with I told her I need some time, you cheated on me and thought about leaving me for 7 years I need a bit more time than 7 days to forget and forgive. That is if I ever will. So what do you say, I am in pain but I do not want to lose my wife. I was so in love w/ her I never knew, or maybe did not want to know she was doing this to me. Now she says she has changed do I throw away the rest of my remaining young adult years just to find out she is really only back w/ me because he finely got married. I do not know if that is the kind of married life I want to endure.

[DesertDweller]

Hi. Sorry to hear about your problems. Here's my opinion for what it's worth: It sounds like your wife wanted you to confess your fantasies about other women either to a) create an open marriage, or b) lessen her guilt about sleeping with her ex. Either way, she doesn't sound like she'll ever be faithful. And, if my husband told me he had second thoughts about being with me during all those years, I would be so hurt I could never forgive him. She is beyond insensitive. I don't see how you've managed to stick with her this long! You deserve better. And, by the way, don't ever tell a woman you think her best friend is attractive!

[Bryanp]

I agree with the previous poster. It sounds like your wife set this up about fantasies to justify her affair. She has been playing you for so many years and has put your health at great risk. The fact that she continued to have sex in your home beyond your back shows what great disrespect she has for you and your marriage. I think you would be fooling yourself to stay with her. She clearly has shown you that to her you are the doorprize. How sad that you would even consider staying with a person who enjoyed humiliating you in the worst possible way in your home for so many years. I feel very sorry for you.

[TMCM]

NoLongerTrusting,

 

Though I agree that you were stupid in helping to create the environment that your W used to justify her having sex with her ex-fiance, the only person solely responsible for chosing to betray you again and again and again is she and no one else.

 

Are you sure it's love you have for her or is it fear? Staying in a marriage out of fear is a self imposed sentence in hell.

 

Why do you want to continue staying married to a woman who left you living a celibate life while she had sex non-stop for 7 years?

 

But the more important question is, why do you want to continue staying married with a woman so insensitive to the damage she has done to you that she yells at you for not trusting her?

 

Your W's behavior is so reminiscent of my ex-W's [first W] that the only regret I have [aside from marrying her in the first place] is having wasted time 15 years of my life all because of fear that I did not want to destroy my family by divorcing her.

 

You now have the true image of the woman you married, its up to you to decide whether you want to continue living in hell or whether you will make a new life with the possibility of meeting and marrying a woman will truly love you and never betray you. I chose the latter and I couldn't be more happier. I hope that you to can make the right choice.

 

TMCM

[NoLongerTrusting]

Thank you for your kind words but I did want to clear up one thing.

She says she was having the affair for only 2 of those years.

I actually asked her last night if she could ever trust me again if I had done what she did and she could not answer.

So I asked her if she was on my side now and she said yes. (She is going to counsoling w/ me so I hope so)

Then I asked how can either of us know how long she will stay on my side and she did not know.

 

I know I am not getting the answers from her I need but I still do love her.

I just do not know how much longer I can take this kind of heart ache.