Post-visit

[emi]

After he went home, i feel like something has changed. Its not him, but i think the course of the relationship itself. We still love each other but i dont know whats really going on that make me feel this way.

 

 

Can anyone share some post-visit experience?

[madjac74]

Yea. The person wasn't the same in reality compared to online.

[emi]

No, its not the case.

I really dont have any problem about that. Hes what he is. We cammed for haft a year before we decided to meet up. And nothing is different from online to real life.

I like how he smells, how he walks and basically everything he does.

But dont know, when he back home, i feel strange

[madjac74]

You don't want to deal with the LDR aspect now?

[emi]

Im not sure what to expect. I never really deal with this before. Thats why im asking if its normal

[GemmaUK]

In the early stages I didn't realise really how spending 24/7 with essentially a virtual stranger took me off the ball and made me skim over things.

 

I was basically skipping over red flags and after the weekend it was straight back into a very busy working week.

 

I didn't have time to stop and think.

Normal ordinary date nights when dating someone local give the opportunity to end the date after a few hours and think about it.

A whole weekend can be a lot tougher to recall details of.

[madjac74]

Yes a several hour first date is a huge difference rather than a several day visit where you are responsible for them the entire time. It is always best to get a small sample at first rather than the full course

[emi]

But im enjoy being with him 24/7 o....o.

[justwhoiam]

After he went home, i feel like something has changed.

Can you elaborate on this?

 

Its not him, but i think the course of the relationship itself.

1. The excitement about seeing him for the first time wore off?

2. Things seem to have sinked to a more comfortable place between you two?

3. Is it possible that he's being sweeter rather than sexier?

4. Could jet lag have gotten in the way after he got home?

5. Do you still feel *in love* with him rather than just loving him?

 

Can anyone share some post-visit experience?

I missed him, but apparently he was coming across as more needy. He sort of laid all the cards on the table, if you know what I mean. It was up to me whether to pick them or not.

 

Anyway, when it's me visiting him and then going back home, I am phased out for some time (1 to 2 weeks), due to jet lag. I usually need to be operational right away (with work, family, etc), but still phased out. I feel needier. I need him to still show his feelings after my visit, so that I'm sure everything's fine between us. I need reassurance. Things might turn colder, as I'm not physically there anymore, but I don't want it to happen.

 

That's basically my experience. I'm not sure what you're experiencing though.

[Els]

I assume this was the first visit? How did it go?

[emi]

Hi,

I think after a month of him constantly next to me, I was used to it. Then he came back the first week he was busy with his family, family meeting, grandmoms bday party, relative visits , etc doesnt make it any better. We still manage to talk but there was no camming. I thought he would ask to see me. And due to him being extremly busy at work as well , i felt abit out of place.

And it was kinda funny, before the visit, i had thought we would know what to do after it happened. But now, we still got no clue what to do yet.

There is some problem about next visit as well, I will be having some major surgery around end of this year or at the beginning of next year. I would like him to come over after i done it. But i dont know when will it be, but I also dont want to delay seeing him again if the surgery takes so long. Also, his family invite me to come over there but I would also want to finish my surgery first. So basically, i dont really know what to do. Everytime i bring it up he suggests to wait until things get more clear but his calm attitude is abit bothering me even I know hes right.

 

 

He talks about immigration sometime, but we got no clue how to do it. I know its not simple because I once did paperwork to go study in Australia ( i didnt actually get there due to some family reason). I also wonder is it normal to think about immigration now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you elaborate on this?

 

 

1. The excitement about seeing him for the first time wore off?

2. Things seem to have sinked to a more comfortable place between you two?

3. Is it possible that he's being sweeter rather than sexier?

4. Could jet lag have gotten in the way after he got home?

5. Do you still feel *in love* with him rather than just loving him?

 

I missed him, but apparently he was coming across as more needy. He sort of laid all the cards on the table, if you know what I mean. It was up to me whether to pick them or not.

 

Anyway, when it's me visiting him and then going back home, I am phased out for some time (1 to 2 weeks), due to jet lag. I usually need to be operational right away (with work, family, etc), but still phased out. I feel needier. I need him to still show his feelings after my visit, so that I'm sure everything's fine between us. I need reassurance. Things might turn colder, as I'm not physically there anymore, but I don't want it to happen.

 

That's basically my experience. I'm not sure what you're experiencing though.

[emi]

I assume this was the first visit? How did it go?

Yes it was the first visit.

We had a wonderful time together. We got no problem interacting with each other since the moment he got off the plane

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi,

I think after a month of him constantly next to me, I was used to it. Then he came back the first week he was busy with his family, family meeting, grandmoms bday party, relative visits , etc doesnt make it any better. We still manage to talk but there was no camming. I thought he would ask to see me. And due to him being extremly busy at work as well , i felt abit out of place.

And it was kinda funny, before the visit, i had thought we would know what to do after it happened. But now, we still got no clue what to do yet.

There is some problem about next visit as well, I will be having some major surgery around end of this year or at the beginning of next year. I would like him to come over after i done it. But i dont know when will it be, but I also dont want to delay seeing him again if the surgery takes so long. Also, his family invite me to come over there but I would also want to finish my surgery first. So basically, i dont really know what to do. Everytime i bring it up he suggests to wait until things get more clear but his calm attitude is abit bothering me even I know hes right.

 

 

He talks about immigration sometime, but we got no clue how to do it. I know its not simple because I once did paperwork to go study in Australia ( i didnt actually get there due to some family reason). I also wonder is it normal to think about immigration now?

 

How long have you been together?

 

Immigration is no small task. It requires months of planning and financial resources (I myself moved abroad a couple years ago!) and you really need to consider factors such as job opportunities, study, health care, accommodations, legal and associated costs, any cultural barriers...in other words, it's life-changing. It also largely depends on your country of origin. You have to really want it to make it happen, because it's not simple and will take a lot of time and effort. Talk to an immigration consultant before you consider making a move of any type. (Keep in mind that study visas are not immigration papers, though they can help get your foot in the door.)

 

It sounds like you would like more of a commitment from him. Is that correct? Ask him to speak on cam. You will need a good line of communication if you'd like to sustain this relationship until the next time you meet.

[Els]

Hi,

I think after a month of him constantly next to me, I was used to it. Then he came back the first week he was busy with his family, family meeting, grandmoms bday party, relative visits , etc doesnt make it any better. We still manage to talk but there was no camming. I thought he would ask to see me. And due to him being extremly busy at work as well , i felt abit out of place.

 

Oh, okay. Well, this might just be a normal part of getting used to the distance again. It also might be more than just that, but it's difficult to tell so soon. Give it a bit of time and see.

 

Why can he not talk on webcam though? That's really quite important for couples in VLDRs. Doesn't his laptop have an inbuilt webcam? It's as simple as switching it on...

 

He talks about immigration sometime, but we got no clue how to do it. I know its not simple because I once did paperwork to go study in Australia ( i didnt actually get there due to some family reason). I also wonder is it normal to think about immigration now?

 

It's normal to think about it in general terms, but you two should meet up IRL a couple more times before actually taking that plunge. It certainly isn't simple at all, although the ease of immigration varies hugely depending on country (both destination and origin). Read government websites to start with, and if/when the time comes to actually make concrete plans, an immigration adviser will be helpful.

[emi]

How many more visits should be enough?

I am not really thrill of him visiting me more than needed. I mean yes, we always have fun but the thought of separating again just kill all the mood then I would just start to act weird.

 

 

And the odd of immigration doesnt seems to favor me. Im an asian and hes european. I know many scam stories and also myself have known alot people using romantic relationship to get their feet on the door of other richer countries. That kinda affect my relationship somehow. I mean, honestly deep down i would like him to give me a specific plan because if i would be moving with him i would like to know hes prepared. Not just like " yeah we gonna get married , you gonna move to me, we gonna buy a house, have kid and nada nada" ( he did not actually said this but you know what i mean). I also asked him if he want to move to my country so we wont get much immigration problem but he doesnt like it.

But if I push him to give me a plan, I also think its kind rush and unnatural. Why would I rush a man? If he wants to be with me, he should be diligent on doing research right. But, not knowing for sure what to do, when to do it is kind of depressing. Maybe im too demanding and unrealistic?

[emi]

Hi,

We been dating for 9-10months.

We were always on call/cam except when hes at work. His factory is full of metal so its kinda too noisy. But we stay on call and just carry it around the whole day even we not talking. When we both free and at home we cam.

He went visit me for a month, its not possible to stay any longer.

He makes it clear he doesnt want to be with anyone beside of me, and judging from the time we spend toegther i dont think he has time for someone else so I cant say I need more commitment from him but I would like to know more about our future.

 

 

 

 

How long have you been together?

 

Immigration is no small task. It requires months of planning and financial resources (I myself moved abroad a couple years ago!) and you really need to consider factors such as job opportunities, study, health care, accommodations, legal and associated costs, any cultural barriers...in other words, it's life-changing. It also largely depends on your country of origin. You have to really want it to make it happen, because it's not simple and will take a lot of time and effort. Talk to an immigration consultant before you consider making a move of any type. (Keep in mind that study visas are not immigration papers, though they can help get your foot in the door.)

 

It sounds like you would like more of a commitment from him. Is that correct? Ask him to speak on cam. You will need a good line of communication if you'd like to sustain this relationship until the next time you meet.

[ExpatInItaly]

See how the next few weeks go. If you find he's available less and less, he probably realized it's going to be too difficult.

 

It sounds like you're going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting here. If he's not willing or able to move closer to you, the only choice would be for you to go to him. I gather he lives in Australia - You say he's European, but is he an Aussie citizen? if you are a student, I don't see how you could immigrate anywhere just yet. Do you mind if I ask how old both of you are? Are you currently working or studying? These are important factors in the ability to immigrate, especially since Australia is notoriously strict with immigration policy.

 

I think maybe deep-down you're not quite ready for a LDR of this nature. You say you don't want him to visit too much because it would be too hard. So what do you expect him to do? I don't think he's going to make any solid future plans with you if you prevent his attempts to spend more time with you. There is no specific number of visits you need to make before agreeing to commit, but certainly more than one or two.

[TMichaels]

I always found feelings/emotions were different depending on whether you were the leaver or the leavee.

 

For some reason, if I was the one going home, I wasn't as upset, pining for the person's company, etc. than I was when my SO was the one who was leaving and going back home.

 

I just found it harder to be the one "left behind." Too many daily reminders around the house, in the car, in the neighborhood, etc. of the time the two of us spent together making me wish we were still together.

 

I know I'm not the only one to have experienced this. Others I know in LDRs have said the same, including my SO. Maybe that's what you're experiencing as well.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[emi]

Hi,

Hes german, 22 years old living in Germany. He finished his study in Febuary has a full-time job.

Im a vietnamese. Im 20. Im a uni student and I also got a part-time job.

I had a chance to go study in Australia at the start of 2015 but for some reason it didnt went well because family reason, not because paper problem . I was admitted by australia university and was about to apply for a student visa but uh, **** went wrong.

I got no ties or any relative in Germany or whatsover.

Im currently trying to learn German on my own. He offered to send me money every month so i can quit my job and study but i said i can handle it just fine. Now, im dangling between work, study, study german and some other hobbies/obligation and its getting sometime too hard. Maybe thats why im in such a rush on future plan 0...0

 

 

See how the next few weeks go. If you find he's available less and less, he probably realized it's going to be too difficult.

 

It sounds like you're going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting here. If he's not willing or able to move closer to you, the only choice would be for you to go to him. I gather he lives in Australia - You say he's European, but is he an Aussie citizen? if you are a student, I don't see how you could immigrate anywhere just yet. Do you mind if I ask how old both of you are? Are you currently working or studying? These are important factors in the ability to immigrate, especially since Australia is notoriously strict with immigration policy.

 

I think maybe deep-down you're not quite ready for a LDR of this nature. You say you don't want him to visit too much because it would be too hard. So what do you expect him to do? I don't think he's going to make any solid future plans with you if you prevent his attempts to spend more time with you. There is no specific number of visits you need to make before agreeing to commit, but certainly more than one or two.

Edited August 17, 2015 by emi

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi,

Hes german, 22 years old living in Germany. He finished his study in Febuary has a full-time job.

Im a vietnamese. Im 20. Im a uni student and I also got a part-time job.

I had a chance to go study in Australia at the start of 2015 but for some reason it didnt went well because family reason, not because paper problem . I was admitted by australia university and was about to apply for a student visa but uh, **** went wrong.

I got no ties or any relative in Germany or whatsover.

Im currently trying to learn German on my own. He offered to send me money every month so i can quit my job and study but i said i can handle it just fine. Now, im dangling between work, study, study german and some other hobbies/obligation and its getting sometime too hard. Maybe thats why im in such a rush on future plan 0...0

 

I'm a little confused as to why getting a study visa for Australia is relevant here. Does he have plans to move to Australia or something?

 

If not, it doesn't matter what Australian law says. You need to be learning about German immigration policy. I am a Canadian citizen and I have a legal work and residency permit in Italy. I can tell you it was not so easy or cheap to secure this.

 

I don't feel it would be wise to quit your job right now. Without any solid plans to relocate, I would not take his money. You made the correct choice there. Beyond that, does he want to come and see you sometime soon?

[emi]

Uhm, i was kinda too talkative i guessed. Because you thought he was from australia so I went on lol.

 

 

Thanks for your advice, i will continue looking into the law and stuffs. But when you say expensive i wonder you talking about air plane ticket / new place to live or what?

And yes we do plan to meet again end of this year or start of next year, now its hard to pick a specific time

 

 

 

 

I'm a little confused as to why getting a study visa for Australia is relevant here. Does he have plans to move to Australia or something?

 

If not, it doesn't matter what Australian law says. You need to be learning about German immigration policy. I am a Canadian citizen and I have a legal work and residency permit in Italy. I can tell you it was not so easy or cheap to secure this.

 

I don't feel it would be wise to quit your job right now. Without any solid plans to relocate, I would not take his money. You made the correct choice there. Beyond that, does he want to come and see you sometime soon?

Edited August 17, 2015 by emi

[ExpatInItaly]

Uhm, i was kinda too talkative i guessed. Because you thought he was from australia so I went on lol.

 

 

Thanks for your advice, i will continue looking into the law and stuffs. But when you say expensive i wonder you talking about air plane ticket / new place to live or what?

And yes we do plan to meet again end of this year or start of next year, now its hard to pick a specific time

 

Of course that's part of it, but usually there's more: to secure the visa I initially obtained here in Italy, I had to prove I had the financial resources to support myself for the first several months of my visa. That meant I had to have enough money in my bank account (each country usually has a specified minimum amount) for a certain number of months prior to applying for the visa. I had to prove this with 3 months' worth of bank statements and a certified letter from my bank at home in Canada, given to the Italian Consulate in my city.

 

I also had to provide proof of accommodation in Italy, as well as health insurance for the period of my visa. You generally also need to prove that you have a valid plane ticket to return home at the end of your stay. Most countries in the EU will not issue a visa unless you can prove that you have a way to go home again. All of this adds up to quite a lot of money. I planned for more than 1 year to save and make this move.

 

Please note that this is all what Italian law stipulates. You need to find out about German law, because certain details vary from country to country. I know that Germany is stricter than Italy. Find the closest German Embassy or Consulate. They can give you the most current information for Vietnamese citizens applying for a German visa. They can also tell you what types of visa are available (ie. tourism, study, work)

 

I would strongly recommend you do this before you consider making any future plans with your guy. You may find that it's a heck of a lot more difficult than you anticipated, in which case you would need to decide if you're up for the challenge. But at least then you can make an informed decision and talk to your guy about it.

Edited August 17, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Els]

How many more visits should be enough?

I am not really thrill of him visiting me more than needed. I mean yes, we always have fun but the thought of separating again just kill all the mood then I would just start to act weird.

 

 

And the odd of immigration doesnt seems to favor me. Im an asian and hes european. I know many scam stories and also myself have known alot people using romantic relationship to get their feet on the door of other richer countries. That kinda affect my relationship somehow. I mean, honestly deep down i would like him to give me a specific plan because if i would be moving with him i would like to know hes prepared. Not just like " yeah we gonna get married , you gonna move to me, we gonna buy a house, have kid and nada nada" ( he did not actually said this but you know what i mean). I also asked him if he want to move to my country so we wont get much immigration problem but he doesnt like it.

But if I push him to give me a plan, I also think its kind rush and unnatural. Why would I rush a man? If he wants to be with me, he should be diligent on doing research right. But, not knowing for sure what to do, when to do it is kind of depressing. Maybe im too demanding and unrealistic?

 

Well... yeah, I do think it's a bit soon to be making concrete plans for immigration after one visit (which appears to be what you want from him). I would say wait for at least two to three visits, and at least a couple months of real time spent together? Immigration is a HUGE deal, because at least one of you will be leaving your family, friends, job, culture, home etc behind, potentially forever. It isn't a walk in the park for the other person either, as oftentimes the person moving will be unable to work for a period of time and the other person will have to support them financially.

 

Each time one of you has to leave will definitely 'kill the mood', of course. But we can't just make big life decisions based on their impact on our moods, yeah?

 

Here's a suggestion - I don't know if Vietnamese are eligible for a Working Holiday Visa in Germany, but you should look that up. If you are eligible, you would be able to live and work temporarily in Germany for 6 months or so. Lots of young people take these visas to travel the world, backpack and see a new country, etc. It's a lot easier to obtain and a lot less permanent than standard visa options, so if you can do that, you could experience a few months with him IRL and see how the R goes (as well as have the chance to experience a new country, which is an experience that will benefit you regardless of the outcome of your R). Then you both can make a more informed decision re: future immigration plans.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Elswyth