Male friend visiting

[Feelingsad2]

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

 

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

 

 

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

 

 

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

 

 

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

 

 

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

[d0nnivain]

Ask if you can spend some time with them. Invite them both to your house. Observe with your own eyes how they interact. With first hand knowledge you can make a decision about what you want to do next & whether you believe this really is platonic.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Could you clarify this?

 

I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

 

 

What does 'she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much' mean?

 

Is this a sexual relationship?

 

I'll echo the advice to have them over for dinner. I'm sure she'd be happy to introduce her longtime male friend to her beau. Any woman would. I recall I introduced the lady who later became my wife to my best female friend at a party I had at my house for a small group of people. Pretty normal stuff. Good luck!

[OldRover]

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

 

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

 

 

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

 

 

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

 

 

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

 

 

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

 

If you are in a committed relationship, then it's a HUGE red flag, and NO WAY IN HELL would I approve of that. Sleeping on the couch for a week is just BS, and where's is he going to sleep in the hotels in Spain.... in the bathtub? Platonic or not it's totally inappropriate, ..... IF you're in a committed relationship. Even if you're not, that's a rotten thing do to even if you're in a developing relationship.

 

It really says, there is no commitment, and we are totally free to date and screw whom ever we want.

[Trishern]

Does she refuse to go out on dates with you?

 

 

If so, you have a problem and maybe you need to address that.

 

 

 

 

You should go over there and meet him, get to know him, see if he has a GF. Just be friendly.

 

 

Would she be cool if you had a female friend visiting? Sleeping over?

 

 

Mrs T

[OldRover]

Does she refuse to go out on dates with you?

 

 

If so, you have a problem and maybe you need to address that.

 

 

 

 

You should go over there and meet him, get to know him, see if he has a GF. Just be friendly.

 

 

Would she be cool if you had a female friend visiting? Sleeping over?

 

 

Mrs T

 

Very good points... but I see no reason to meet him. She has made her choice, and it's inappropriate, regardless. If he were bringing his GF and the OP were invited, it would be a totally different thing, but it's not. She has chosen to be involved, alone for a week, with a so called friend, and sharing a room with him. If she were my GF, that would be the end.

[Try]

Would she be cool if you had a female friend visiting? Sleeping over?

He is dealing with it actually happening right now. Asking her how she would feel about a theoretical event is not the same thing. Thus it would be easy for her to say that she would be OK with it even if she really would not, because she is not be forced to deal with the reality of it.

 

@OP: No matter what she may or may not say, her actions show that you are not in an exclusive relationship with her, and that she has little respect for you and your relationship. If I were you, I would lose her number and start dating others. There is someone out there that would proud to really date you, and that would never think to share her home and a hotel room with another man. This is not a matter of being open minded. This is a matter of not being naive.

[central]

People can and do have platonic opposite sex friends. Follow d0nnivain's advice, and spend some time with them and form a rational judgment about their friendship based on observation, not based on irrational, emotional speculation.

[lolablue17]

She wants to:

 

1. spend all the time with him and almost not with you.

2. Split between you and her friend by not making him your friend too (What couples regularly do, trying to make their friends also a friends of their spouses).

3. Let him sleep at her small apartment, while you're not allowed to be there at that time.

 

After she realised that all of the 3 things bother you (her beloved Bf), she is willing to go half way by changing:

1. nothing.

2. nothing.

3. nothing.

 

Go figure yourself how much you mean to her if she's not willing to change anything for you. There are lots of things she can do to make you happier, with very small sacrifices on her side. But instead, she only gives you bla bla bla saying that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. It means she doesn't care much about your feelings.

 

This is reality! The rest is only imagination.

[italianjob]

People can and do have platonic opposite sex friends.

 

True, but usually people in committed and exclusive relationships don't share sleeping accomodation with OSFs and don't go on vacation one-on-one with them.

 

If that kind of arrangement is not OK with OP, maybe this is not the right relationship for him.

 

I don't agree with the advice you've been given. Arranging a get together to get you aquainted to her friend would have been responsibility of your GF, not yours. The fact that she didn't offer that and is protecting THEIR intimacy from you should tell you a thing or two...

[road]

OP, there are too many red flags. Even if she is not lying her secret behavior with the OM is disrespectful to you.

 

 

Before OM came along she was stingy with her dates. Why? Playing hard to get? I do not think so. More like playing you for some free meals and what ever else she can get out of you.

 

 

The problem is that you think you are in a relationship with her.

 

 

While her relationship with you is whatever she can use you for.

[Try]

People can and do have platonic opposite sex friends.

Yes, but few in committed relationships would share hotel rooms as they vacation with them.

 

spend some time with them and form a rational judgment about their friendship based on observation, not based on irrational, emotional speculation.

As good as this advice may sound, cheaters are often very good a hiding the true nature of their relationship, especially when the OP sounds like a normal guy that does not appear to be especially talented in this skill set. Also, once they go out of town to vacation for a week, what they do in their shared hotel room will not be observable by the OP. Edited August 16, 2015 by Try

[m.snow]

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

 

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

 

 

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

 

 

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

 

 

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

 

 

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

 

is he gay? and aussie damn. older women are hot for them. you are cleraly in denial.

 

but she is just a girlfriend and not your wife.

 

2 weeks in spain together. wth.

 

dont need to be a rocket scientist to see where thats headed.

 

vacation in spain in the summer is for romance.

 

whats your relationship with this woman are you a provider?

maybe you and her are not serious.

 

maybe she is open.

[Chi townD]

So, he's staying over at her place. She's going out with him every night; while you were limited to the amount of time you got to spend with her and THEN, they're going on holiday together to Spain. Leaving you at home.

 

 

Dude, you're getting played. Let me guess, she even told you that they'll be in separate rooms in Spain? If you believe that, then I have a bridge to sell you.

[Try]

Dude, you're getting played. Let me guess, she even told you that they'll be in separate rooms in Spain?

She has so little respect for him, that I bet you that she does not even tell him that they will be in separate rooms, as she will ask him to believe that they will be sharing a room but in a platonic way.

[Trishern]

Very good points... but I see no reason to meet him. She has made her choice, and it's inappropriate, regardless. If he were bringing his GF and the OP were invited, it would be a totally different thing, but it's not. She has chosen to be involved, alone for a week, with a so called friend, and sharing a room with him. If she were my GF, that would be the end.

 

On the face of it, it doesn't sound good, but I'd want to know:

 

 

• how long they'd been friends for
  
• exactly how she knew this guy
  
• Is he an Ex BF
  

 

I'm also thinking, this is just a 6 month relationship here.

 

 

If I were the GF and it was just a genuine male friend. I would ensure that my BF met him and I'd be open and transparent about everything.

 

 

I'm not sure if your GF is Australian, but having worked with a few Australians, I've found they have a lot of male/female platonic friendships. More so, than I've known with others.

 

 

I recall questioning one colleague and asking if her BF didn't mind that a male friend was crashing in her place, when he was visiting from Australia, then he was going to see friends in Ireland and Scotland and she looked at me as if I as making a big deal about it.

 

 

Has it been established that they're sharing a room? And if it actually is genuine friendship, then having a twin room makes sense financially.

 

 

 

 

The reason I'd ask how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, is to get a sense of if she thinks its okay. Some people are more chilled about this sort of thing and if she said it was fine, I'd soon arrange to at least go out to dinner with a female friend and gauge her reaction when the situation at hand.

 

 

I find it most strange that she isn't introducing this friend to her BF. That's a huge red flag.

 

 

Mrs T

[OldRover]

On the face of it, it doesn't sound good, but I'd want to know:

 

 

• how long they'd been friends for
  
• exactly how she knew this guy
  
• Is he an Ex BF
  

 

I'm also thinking, this is just a 6 month relationship here.

 

 

If I were the GF and it was just a genuine male friend. I would ensure that my BF met him and I'd be open and transparent about everything.

 

 

I'm not sure if your GF is Australian, but having worked with a few Australians, I've found they have a lot of male/female platonic friendships. More so, than I've known with others.

 

 

I recall questioning one colleague and asking if her BF didn't mind that a male friend was crashing in her place, when he was visiting from Australia, then he was going to see friends in Ireland and Scotland and she looked at me as if I as making a big deal about it.

 

 

Has it been established that they're sharing a room? And if it actually is genuine friendship, then having a twin room makes sense financially.

 

 

 

 

The reason I'd ask how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, is to get a sense of if she thinks its okay. Some people are more chilled about this sort of thing and if she said it was fine, I'd soon arrange to at least go out to dinner with a female friend and gauge her reaction when the situation at hand.

 

 

I find it most strange that she isn't introducing this friend to her BF. That's a huge red flag.

 

 

Mrs T

 

Good points, but bottom line for any committed relationship, this is WAY off limits, and for me it would be the end. Even if I were just dating someone for a short time, it they did this to me, I'd find someone else. NO WAY. And this will NOT develop into a good relationship in the long term, if that is the goal.

[Spectre]

Drop this girl, she is trashy. I don't care if this guy has been her best friend for a billion years: you don't go on holidays with other dudes if you have a boyfriend. If this woman needs to be told this then..well, kind of like a math teacher needing to be told what 1+1 is.

[kgcolonel]

Hope you have gotten the answers you need to determine the direction of this relationship or lack there of......at any rate, best wishes.

[Feelingsad2]

Ok - thanks for all the advice on here.

 

 

Well he stayed for a week, I offered to take them both out for a meal, and another event. But he told her he was too busy to do either of these things

 

 

Basically I put up for a few days and then really blew up at her.

 

 

Relationship really cooled after that for a few months - during which time he suggested she move to Australia (to work but obviously he said she should stay with him)

 

 

But come new year we started getting serious again and now we are more steady with each other - so am happy.

 

 

Thanks for all your advice

[fenix]

Have been going out with a woman (41) for about six months

 

She has invited her male friend over from Australia to stay with her for 2 weeks then they are going on holiday to Spain for a week

 

 

She has a 1 bedroom flat but she says he is sleeping in the front room

 

 

She also says it is a platonic friendship which I kind of believe

 

 

Anyway he arrived yesterday and I'm having a lot of trouble coping - I feel like I'm being disrespected and am a bit jealous as she doesn't actually go out (dates) with me much but is going out with him virtually every day

 

 

Any advice on how to cope (got a bit drunk last night :-( )

 

Honestly, if you feel like this (which is very understandable) you should tell her.

I think you guys need to set some boundaries, trust is good but expecting that your so understand that you are sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with someone of the other sex and after going with that person on holidays... well I find that really going really far! I think she should at least ask you what do you think about this...

[fenix]

Ok - thanks for all the advice on here.

 

 

Well he stayed for a week, I offered to take them both out for a meal, and another event. But he told her he was too busy to do either of these things

 

 

Basically I put up for a few days and then really blew up at her.

 

 

Relationship really cooled after that for a few months - during which time he suggested she move to Australia (to work but obviously he said she should stay with him)

 

 

But come new year we started getting serious again and now we are more steady with each other - so am happy.

 

 

Thanks for all your advice

 

Wow... you have a lot of stomach to swallow this situation... well good luck... I hope the Australian guy will not come for booty call soon again...

[Poutrew]

Well, that' s just fine...For her. She got to have her funsies with her boy toy, and had a romp in Spain with him, but it's OK because she chose you over staying with him in Australia (the land where women glow and make thunder, if you can believe the old song). To find out just how good a GF she really is, you should do like the bankers do and put the institution under a 'stress test' - tell her that you are having an old GF come over for the week to live with you while she is in town - purely platonic, of course! Then have your sister come over to stay with you, but don't tell her who it is. She how she responds. Dude, I still think you are a violin being played by an Old Master...

[SSJROMANCE]

That wouldn't work in my book. If you two are dating maybe a phone call to say hi but THIS? Having him over for 2 weeks then going on a vacation? I think you got played. She is having a little fun on the side my man. I think she doesn't even care that much about you and is playing the field while you are thinking she is committed. But that is for you to figure out.

 

I started seeing a girl after an 8 year relationship. Things started to heat up. Then she said she is going to see a good male friend out of town for a long weekend. I said well if you decide it's a good thing for us for you to spend time with another guy then I may not be here when you get back. And I wasn't.

[Feelingsad2]

She recently got back from a skiing holidy and she told me some guy hit on her

 

Am glad she told me about it but to be honest am pissed off about it