I get insecure when we are apart from one another

[editor]

Hello everyone, I will do my very best not to make this post too long. Something about myself: I came out of a toxic very unhealthy relationship about a year ago. The girl wasn't good for me at all but for some reason I stayed in that relationship for 3 years. Many things happened with her but to cut things short: she was verbally as well as physically very aggressive to me, broke all my self esteem down to pieces and was chatting and dating other men behind my back. Therefore I have a crushed self esteem which needs alot of work.

 

A couple of months ago I visited a friend on vacation in estonia, and I told him that I still wanted to visit Paris. I've never been there and I asked him whether he knows people there. He said he knew this estonian girl who would be really pleased to help me. So I started talking to her and things got serious very quickly. I went to Paris in June, and we clicked straight away: I had the best week of my life really. It was like we had been dating for years so we decided starting a relationship. 4 weeks later, by the middle of July I paid her another visit and things were still as they were in week one. Incredible how I can connect with a person like that, in such a small amount of time. And the serious talks continued, and are still here. I know things are going very quickly but we're already talking about the fact how she would move over to holland next year and how we would live together.

 

But there is a downside in all this. She never had a monogamous relationship before, always open ones. We're both 33 years old so in my opinion it is time to get serious, well I always have been. Never cheated on someone and never will. We discussed things through and she told me that I worry too much, that she truly loved me and she's really loyal.

 

All goes well when we talk, but when I don't hear her for an hour I lose the feelings that she loves me. And one more thing, a couple of weeks ago we agreed on meeting on skype at 8 o clock PM and the still wasn't there at 10.30 PM. So I gave her a skype call, she picked up and by my surprise I heard a guy talking, she ended the call after 5 seconds. I called her straight back and all noises were gone, I asked her whether she was talking to someone else and she had no idea what I was talking about. Don't know what to believe really, my gutfeeling tells me she was on the phone with another man and didn't want to pick up that call in the first place. Anyhow, I've been thinking about that moment ever since.

 

I hate this long distance relationship. I mean, I love the girl, like alot. But I hate the fact that there is 1000km between us AND I can only see her once a month. And for the trust, I don't know whether is my fault (my past) or hers (her loose life in the past) but I wish I could just trust her, keep this up for a year and go and live together with her next year. The true problem is at the lack of trust is eating me like an animal, I get tremendously nervous when I think of it.

 

I don't know what to do, because like I said, I do truly love her

[d0nnivain]

You don't love her. You barely know her.

 

 

The reality is you may be fundamentally incompatible. You like monogamy. She prefers open relationships. Since you are apart you can't expect a woman like her to wait around for the stolen moments when you can physically be together.

 

 

She may be destined to remain the glamorous tryst you had in Paris.

[TMichaels]

OP, worst thing you can do given your history of getting involved with someone who is disloyal is to get involved with another one woman who doesn't want to or isn't capable of monogamy.

 

You really need to work on your self-esteem issues so you can come into a relationship from a position of strength. When you get that sorted you won't be so desperate and not only will be more selective about who you spend time with but also will attract people who share your values.

 

I don't think this woman is the one. It sounds to me to be just deja vu all over again. Why in heck would you want to do that? "Something" is NOT better than nothing. Remember that.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Edited August 16, 2015 by TMichaels

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't love her. You barely know her.

 

 

The reality is you may be fundamentally incompatible. You like monogamy. She prefers open relationships. Since you are apart you can't expect a woman like her to wait around for the stolen moments when you can physically be together.

 

 

She may be destined to remain the glamorous tryst you had in Paris.

 

This is what I would be most cautious about, OP. Has she indicated you that wants to be monogamous now? How can she possibly say she's really loyal if she's never been in a position to demonstrate that?

 

I think you should take a big step back and re-evaluate this. You've only met her twice, yet you think you love her...based on what? You've admittedly come from a very toxic situation and you're probably in quite a vulnerable place right now. Are you really willing to give your heart to someone who prefers to date many people at once?

 

As for the strange Skype call, I supposed it could be anything but her actions seems a bit off. Did she explain why she wasn't able to meet you at 8, as planned?

[Satu]

I don't think you're ready for a relationship just now.

 

You need to do quite a bit of healing first.

 

There's too much pain just beneath the surface.

[editor]

Hello everyone, at first I would like to thank you all for replying. I appreciate that alot.

 

Well the truth is that I know that I am not ready for a relationship right now. I am not ready to trust a person, neither am I suitable person for a long distance relationship. Let's be honest, I need every 2 hours that someone loves me to make me realize that she does.

 

Concerning the open relationship thing, we've discussed it many many times, until she got mad really. She said to me (+20 times) that I'm totally different than anyone she ever dated and she has no problems whatsoever to stay monogamous with me. I mean, the talks we have a really serious and she keeps on talking like that. You know? She doesn't ever change her mind or shows doubts about us. Yesterday she said to me that I should never doubt her love for me. That I am that guy, and she will definitely move to Holland within one year. We're booking every possible free day to be with one another.

 

This girl is saying all the right words, but they don't seem to get into my body and brain. I mean, they make me happy for 2 hours and then I get insecure again, all over again, and I'm back to zero. I do realize it might get annoying for her, since no one likes such situation right.

 

And yeah, we've met only twice but hey I'm 31. I know what I have had in the past, I had good relationships too but with no one I have connected in such a way as I do with her. And she says that counts for her too. I know, it might sound naive, we're 'officially' dating for 1 month now but we both have the feeling we've been together for years. It's just I have such a hard time trusting her, for example: last week she had a free day, I was working. I worked for 8 hours and let's say that she was on facebook for 5. We do talk every now and then but I know and feel she frequently talks to other people too, and then I get worried... Who is she talking too, what is she saying? Are it men? And so on and so forth.

 

I don't want to sound like the nerdy bastard who can't deal with what he has been through in the past. But the ex was, well, the worst love experience I will ever have throughout my life. She kicked my out when a curtain wasn't hanging right, or when I accidently broke a glass. She ripped my face open with her nails, and camped in the car when we had a fight (for 5 hours), she drove me to places against my will so kinda kidnapped me. I know, how can you stay in such a relationship? Well her borderline personality (which she still denies) molded me into it, she got me weak, really weak. But that is the past, or at least it should be.

 

I think it shows alot that she wants to give everything up in Paris, and move in with me here in Holland. I would do it too, but I don't know whether many people will. So here I am, I love tremendously (and I know what I am saying, I'm not a kid) and I can't just walk away from here. It helps that we skype +3 hours a day. We've been talking and talking so many times that I almost know anything about her, I just wished I could trust her. Because if I could, I would really enjoy the thing we have.

 

She said that she fell a sleep at 8, and apologized for keeping me waiting. And indeed, I should see her as much as I can, but I'll only be able to fly over from november, every 2 weeks. Till then I will see her every 5-6 weeks. The thing is, if you don't someone in a relationship, the relationship is doomed. I mean, by telling your partner you don't trust him/her, you make things worse. I just wished I could her blindly and risk it. I mean, what do I have to lose? I'll feel safe when she actually moved and we are actually living together, but it is going to be a very very long year. What I do know is that I can not walk away from her, since I never ever connected with someone in this way before. Definitely in such a small amount of time. Ah well, maybe in a couple of months everything might be gone and I see myself as a fool that I actually posted all this.

Edited August 18, 2015 by editor

[d0nnivain]

LDRs are all about trust You have to be very secure in yourself & your partner. I don't think you can do that right now.