Badmouthing me to his friends

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi,

 

This is the situation.

 

My bf (now ex) broke up with me, because he claimed he was not feeling good in the relationship anymore (we had a month of fighting, arguing, etc.) and during the dumping process (which stretched out for weeks), he talked to his closest male and female friends (2-3) about me and how bad things were, and how I was acting crazy, etc. These are mutual friends, that we often hung out with (they were his friends, but became my friends too). He also did this in front of his 11 year old son. I am wondering what are the odds that he will go back on his words and seek a reconciliation, if he starts missing me / starts feeling lonely / realizes what he's missing out on? Will his ego (eating his words in front of his friends and getting back with a woman who was supposedly so "intolerable") prevent him from even thinking about a second chance? What will his friends think of me? I am wondering if it would be super-awkward. Has anyone experienced something like this? How did you manage it?

 

I know, I know, why would I want to take back someone who badmouthed me to our mutual friends, etc.... I had told him not to talk about our dirty laundry to his friends. I understand bitching about not feeling good in the relationship (and telling your friends that), but badmouthing your gf/ex is just plain immature. Potentially, you can come back from "things aren't good between us", but can you come back from "she is a crazy bitch"?

 

Also, do male dumpers do this often? I always thought it was more a female thing, but I know for a fact that my ex did this.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's highly unlikely that he will come back.

 

 

Until I got to the part where he has an 11 year old, I thought you were both very young. His age makes it's even less likely that he will change his mind.

 

 

If you start from a premise that says, Men are non-verbal & don't often share their feelings about relationships with other men, the fact that he's talking to his buddies about you, which may be a rare thing, solidifies my opinion that there will be no reconciliation.

 

 

FWIW, I don't think you can consider his buddies who you grew to like mutual friends. They were always his friends first, last and always. Mutual friends are people you met together in the relationship, not people one or the other brought with them.

[elaine567]

Just read and digest your profile name thoroughly and follow its advice.

 

He is a jerk of the highest order.

Stay well away from him.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you start from a premise that says, Men are non-verbal & don't often share their feelings about relationships with other men, the fact that he's talking to his buddies about you, which may be a rare thing, solidifies my opinion that there will be no reconciliation.

Most likely there will be no reconciliation. According to him (if he was telling the truth about past break-ups), he never took anyone back , or regretted breaking up with them. However, I was different than most of the other women, as well, in the sense that he did seek to break up with me two other times and I convinced him that we could still work on our problems (only for a fight to erupt yet again, because he was not making any effort and was doing things that anyone in their right mind would not do because it was so obvious it was gonna piss me off -- so maybe he was doing it on purpose , a passive aggressive move). Anyway, he is very much a talker, he talks often about his feelings. His friends know all about his exes, he has badmouthed his exes to me too. He has a close female friend (of 20 years) whom he shares everything with and to whom he talks every day. And at least one other male friend (20 years' friend) whom he tells personal stuff. Then there is his neighbor (a woman whom he dated but broke up with), whom he sometimes tells stuff. It seemed over the past 3 weeks, everyone knew he was going to break up with me except for me, and there was a code of silence and silent looks that I thought were bizarre. The joke was on me, I guess. I don't consider them friends in the close friends to confide in sense of the word..... just mutual acquaintances. However, I did use to hang out with his female friends on and on and off basis, just me and them. *shrug* Badmouthing me to his kid was the dealbreaker, IMO. He did reconcile with me after that, and I told him, how are you going to manage that now? He said he will take things slowly and talk to his kid. And I don't know if he did, but his kid was nasty to me and manipulated us and caused yet another fight, because his dad was never gonna punish him for playing me like a pack of cards (he got me to renew my car rental, because he wanted to go to the zoo, I renewed my car, at the cost of $80 a day, and then he changed his mind, and his dad refused to scold him and get him to apologize, which led to a fight between us).

[NoMoreJerks]

Just read and digest your profile name thoroughly and follow its advice.

 

He is a jerk of the highest order.

Stay well away from him.

lol. Yup. He even had the nerve to ask me, are you gonna delete me and my friends from facebook? I said that was up to me to decide, and especially now that he had broken up with me, you have no right to ask me that or expect that I won't. And I mean, he badmouths me to his friends, and then expects me to pretend like nothing had happened? His friends are completely mum, didn't even call me to see if I was fine. Even if they weren't going to side with me. I mean, obviously, it's not even about loyalty, and why should I be on good terms with his friends, if they are not even my friends ? They clearly did not even check up on me. What is he thinking, that he and his friends are god's gift to mankind? Maybe he is trying to get me to keep them on facebook, so he can find a way to weasel his way back in for a booty call / FWB thing (downgrade me)? If I delete his friends, it obviously means that we're never going to get back together, in his head, because it will create bad blood between me and his friends. This is a guy who always put his friends first. I was not even third in his priority list. His kid, his friends, his job, me. He even refused to tell off the bf of his best friend (he has not known her bf for a long time and is not close to him) for disrespecting me and badmouthing me to his son.

[d0nnivain]

If there already 2 prior attempts at a break up your relationship was dysfunctional. Just let it die.

[carhill]

Also, do male dumpers do this often?

IME, looking back on my own divorce and those of male friends (I only count divorces since those are major life upsets), I can't recall any who have. With some I didn't even know they were getting divorces until alternative living arrangements occurred. Same with me. My best friend helped move stuff from my country home to the city home we bought and was shocked when I told him that would become exW's home. He remained friends with her and her new boyfriend and the only person who badmouthed her was his wife, to the extent she chided me for not badmouthing her enough. I didn't really see any point. Move on.

[NoMoreJerks]

If there already 2 prior attempts at a break up your relationship was dysfunctional. Just let it die.

Well he was on two minds. He wasn't sure. I felt it was more an ego thing, since I had given him an ultimatum. Also, his friends were pressuring him to break up with me, and he caved in because he was embarrassed, after he had badmouthed me in front of them. I guess he was caught in his self-fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe I am just justifying him treating me badly. Whatever the case, he didn't value me enough to want to stay with me. I have previously had my ex come back three times (a few months apart each time), and I gave him 2 more chances but he messed up on both. If this man does come back, I am definitely saying no, because he took things to the point of no return, in terms of his , his friends' and his kid's disrespect for me. I would have no respect for myself if I took him back. But I am just curious, because right now, I want nothing better than for him to come back begging, and for me to tell him no.

[cerridwen]

... right now, I want nothing better than for him to come back begging, and for me to tell him no.

 

I don't think you have to worry about this happening.

From what you've written here and elsewhere, he sounds beyond done.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't think you have to worry about this happening.

From what you've written here and elsewhere, he sounds beyond done.

Which might be an even better thing for me, considering that *I* was the one who put up with his sh*t and his kid's sh*t and attitude and disrespect, not to mention his own lack of appreciation for me, for the longest time. I might be tempted to take him back (yeah, need to get off the casual relationship crack) , if he did come back, so better off if he doesn't. I find it hypocritical that he demanded to know if I was going to delete him and his friends from facebook. He was afraid of what I was going to say, that it was going to be a yes. I find it odd. Guess he wants a facebook ego-trip? At any rate, he has not deleted me, nor have any of his friends. So it can't be that he wanted me to say we can't be friends?

 

I am curious what you mean, though, based on what I've written elsewhere. Also, what about what I've written here indicates that he is beyond done? The fact that he reconciled several times? Yes, maybe, but it doesn't mean that he did it out of anything but pity in the first place, because I was begging him to give me a second chance. Honestly, I have admitted to my part in the problems, and I did act a bit crazy at one point, but it is never completely one side's fault, when there are problems and fights. I feel like he wronged me a lot in this relationship, and I gave it my best. He and his friends and his son wronged me a lot, despite all that I did for them. Towards the end, I was feeling physically sick all the time, because of the relationship. I felt nauseous all the time, couldn't eat, it was a rollercoaster, him keeping me on my toes all the time, not putting me out of my misery, giving me the silent treatment, etc. It was horrible. And then any time I said anything, hiding behind the fact that he has a child and in the process making me feel and look like the worst person on earth, even accusing me of traumatizing his child. I don't take these accusations lightly.

Edited August 16, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

He had started badmouthing me to his son and his friends (and his friends badmouthed me to his son ) before the first attempt at breaking up with me, when we were going through a rough patch for several reasons (my stress levels were through the roof, he was completely absent, kept taking me for granted, kept saying he was gonna call me and didn't, kept blowing me off after making plans with me, etc.). We reconciled after that, but I wasn't feeling the love from him, his son, or his friends.

 

That first time he tried to break up, his friends cheered him on. As did his kid. I am not sure why his kid was even privy to any of this information. This is why, after HE got his kid involved, I bashed his parenting abilities and style in front of his kid, after his kid basically ran over me and him, and imposed his will on us, and his dad let him. I told him nasty stuff, about how he spoils his kid, etc. We did reconcile after that. But when I mentioned that I had been unhappy with the lack of progress in the relationship, I feel that's when the psychological barriers went up (he is a commitmentphobe, doesn't want moving in together, marriage, or kids).

 

He was even willing to reconcile after I said that stuff in front of his kid, and we did reconcile. Then when I said that stuff about progress, he started using his kid, and what I had said in front of his kid, as an excuse. I told him this. Honestly, I do feel that he was very patient with me, but it doesn't mean he was not passive aggressive when the time came.

Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[casey.lives]

a guy who puts his friends- needs to grow up

[kidm]

Hopefully he never comes back because I get the sense you will go running back to him. Everything you have described doesn't point to a long-term happily ever after with this guy. Please move on.

[NoMoreJerks]

I just can't get over the fact that he badmouthed me to his son and friends in the nastiest way, at the slightest hint of trouble. At first he did not admit it. He claimed it was his friend who badmouthed me and brainwashed his impressionable son. Then he said he was badmouthing me too. When he called home to let his friends (who were babysitting his son) know that he had not broken up with me and that we were coming to his place together, his male friend left before we got there, because he was upset that he did not break up with me.

 

He had apparently told them he was coming to my place to break up with me. So the mood at his place (with his female best friend, her boyfriend, and his son) was quite festive. Until he called and told them that we had reconciled. His son tried to pick up the phone to talk to him, but his female best friend hung up before he could say anything. When we got to his place, his son did an attitude with me, went straight to bed at 8pm, and I had no idea what it was for.... I thought he was going through yet another one of those tween mood swings.

 

His best friend lied and claimed it was because he was tired. And she also lied and said her boyfriend had left because he had to take his mom to a doctor's appointment the following morning, early in the morning. At this point I didn't realize that they had involved the child in the relationship problems. But when she came up with that BS excuse about her boyfriend, I knew there was something fishy going on. I didn't say anything, but when she left, I told my bf that I didn't buy the excuse. He then fessed up and said that his friend's bf had said that he's leaving cos he had not broken up with me, and that his kid was also unhappy that he had not broken up with me...... I guess eventually, they did have their desired effect on him.

 

I am just upset that everyone showed their true colors, that they never liked me in the first place, and pounced on the first opportunity to badmouth and get me out of their lives. I had done so much for them, shown so much respect and love for them. And this is how I was paid back. I guess this is the biggest lesson for me to put in zero effort with people from now on. People are just ungrateful. His kid liked me only to the extent that I did what he wanted, that I gave him nice presents on Christmas and for his birthday.

 

I thought that after a year and a half of being super nice and patient with his son's attitude, etc., he would have started accepting me and liking me.

Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs