Should have seen it coming..

[Stargazie]

Ok I'm still in a bit of a rage at the minute, but I've been stalking this forums for a while and people tend to give advice I agree with and since I can't think clearly at the moment, I need your help now too!

 

Backstory - We're both 26 and have been married for almost 2 years, together for 7. I don't think its been a bad relationship at all, maybe its gone to the point of "going through the motions" a bit, but we still have fun, go out, have sex 2-3 times a week (good sex I think, I give her at least 1 orgasm before I finish, sometimes 2 or 3) and I believed we were happy - even thinking about kids soon.

 

I noticed she has been a bit "off" lately but what really set off my spidey sense was that she started keeping her phone with her at all times - like glued to her side. Now I'm not necessarily the jealous type and I don't check her phone but usually its left wherever it lands, so its a change that I noticed. I don't know why but I checked our phone plan as we had gone over on internet data that month, and noticed she had been texting and calling a number A LOT. I got her phone once she was in the shower and managed to notice that it was saved under "Jenny" but there were no text messages between them on the phone, and the call log was completely empty. From my experience on this site, I knew something was up, and took the advised approach of "waiting for solid evidence" even though I was ready to burst. I kept an eye on the phone plan (updates every 3 days) and she was now calling this number on her breaks at work (she has fixed breaks). I called on purpose a couple times to see what she would say, and she said she was speaking to her sister (phone logs blank again when I checked).

 

This wasn't solid evidence so I figured out a way to track her phone through help of another forum (IT related) and waited. Unfortunately I was hit by two double whammies at once. I went to work and since it was quiet (I work on my own a lot) I checked her emails (I knew her password, and she knows I do). Nothing out of the ordinary, but something about another email using this email account as a "backup". I get into this secret account using the same password (guess she isn't that smart) and discover a raft of emails from the last 2-3 months to a co-worker of hers that left for another job around the same time the emails started (this came up in the general "how was your day at work" chat a few months ago). I started from the beginning and the first thing that hit me that was that my wife was saying she "missed him" and "she doesn't like work without him" with multiple kisses at the end and she will chat to him on her break (makes sense now). It to my horror turned sexual quickly with pictures of her (with toys etc) going to him and pictures of him going to her - a lot of pictures. It seemed as if this email was simply a way of sending pictures to each other securely as there wasn't much talking, probably talked on text more, doesn't matter now. I couldn't fully understand how much pain people go through when they find out when I read these forums, and now I know.

 

At the same time, my wife wasn't at work. I checked her location and I discovered that she was 40 miles from home at the town he now lived in. And then the sadness washed over me like a tsunami. Stupidly, I called her to see what she would say she was "doing", but I think she knew in my voice that I knew. She said she was at her sisters, but we ended the phone call saying we will talk later - but she knew I had found out. Her location quickly changed to travelling back home.

 

When we got back I admit I lost it. I was so so angry. She initially denied it all and said I was acting like a madman and had I been drinking (quote). Firstly the "deny, deny, deny" thing is true. I felt like I was cross-examining someone. Every time I asked her a question, she lied.

 

I asked if she had text or talked to this co-worker - She said she text him once or twice and named him "jenny" on her phone so not to make me jealous. I hit her with the phonelog evidence, she admitted to texting him everyday and calling him on her breaks or when I'm not home. Just as friends mind. She denied anything sexual.

 

I asked if she had ever sexted or sent dirty pictures to him, she said she hadn't, I showed her the email account (she also tried to say he set up the account, but didn't realize her backup email went to her main address, and quickly caved that she had set it up) and she admitted to sending pictures. But only because it was exciting and since it wasn't physical, it wasn't technically "cheating".

 

I said have you had sex with him? She said she hadn't, but hit her with screenshots of her at his house on the tracker, and after getting very angry about "invasion of privacy" she admitted she had had sex with him that day. I added in the argument that followed the fact "at least you used a condom so I don't have to worry about STD's" to which she replied (this one I can credit her for telling the truth, the only time she was honest, maybe because deep down she does care about my health, as she gets upset when I get ill) that she hadn't, and he had came inside her a couple times (she's on the pill). Which made me feel sick. She insisted he was "clean" and it was just fun and meant nothing.

 

I asked her did she have feelings for him, she said he was just a sex buddy and some excitement. I had an email when he was saying basically in the typical affair fashion "I can't believe it, but I have fallen for you" and she said "she had fallen for him too" which was quite recent in the email string I discovered. She then admitted she had fallen for him a while ago when they worked together, but swore she hadn't become physical until today and this was the ONLY time they had sex/kissed/whatever. She said she has NEVER cheated before and she felt dirty for it.

 

I have been depressed and angry for the last few days, and she has been very apologetic, giving me access to her phone, coming home on time, not going out, crying. She looks a bit lost in herself, I personally think she's more worried about her friends and her parents finding out as she keeps asking me to sort it out between us, don't involve anyone else.

 

Question for you guys, this isn't worth saving is it? If this was me reading this story as an outsider I would say "she's lied once, she'll do it again" but I would like your advice please! I can't see straight at the minute.

 

Couple extras to add (you wouldn't believe how much more paranoid you get) -

 

My aunt once told me she saw her on a night out in town with the girls standing with another guy years ago (not this guy, he wasn't around then) and grinding on each other, but I chalked this up to drink.

The bedroom strongly smelled like sex a few weeks ago when I got in from work (we all know the smell.....) , and we hadn't had sex in there for about a week, and I'm ashamed to say, I smelled the bed covers and thought they smelled like vagina. I didn't think anything at the time and when I mentioned this she said I was "crazy" and that I was "losing it" and she would never sleep with someone else let alone in our bed.

I hadn't mopped the floor in a while, so the day after D-Day I had the crazy idea of checking the wooden floor for footprints as I'm only a size 8 (6 ft 2 and size 8 feet, weird no?) and there were a lot bigger footprints there in the hallway next to the door (maybe me being paranoid).

She admitted she enjoyed the sex and that it made her feel good, and this hurt a lot.

 

Thoughts?

[road]

Notice your WW has only admitted to what you can prove.

 

 

She is withholding tons of info. If you want the truth time to schedule a polygraph test then tell her when the appointment is scheduled for.

 

 

Normal response is for the WW to trickle some more truth. Then claim she has now told all to get you to cancel the test. Do not fall for this trick.

[bubbaganoosh]

Thought? Well here's one. Tell her to pack up her belongings and leave and your lawyer will meet with hers.

 

Look Friend. From what you have written she doesn't see this as a big deal. She decided to have a F*** buddy for the excitement and have a bit of fun on the side.

 

Does that sound like a wife? Does that sound like someone you want living with you? She doesn't have a bit of respect for you and she really proved that point by having unprotected sex with the OM at the expense of your health.

 

Throw her out, get a lawyer, let everyone know about her affair and move on. In my opinion there is nothing to salvage.

Edited August 16, 2015 by bubbaganoosh

[aliveagain]

I could understand her reasoning if she was married for 20 years and wanted a little excitement. You are married less than 2 years, she's been doing this guy for a while. She's a health risk to you. Do not have unprotected sex with her until she has been tested for everything. Make her prove she is not pregnant. Do not even think about having a child with her until you know what you want. Your wife is in love with another man, talk to a lawyer, find out your rights, expose her and if O/M has a wife or girlfriend expose him. They can't work together or for the same company anymore. She needs a shot of reality because up until now she's been living in a fantasy land. Expose them if you want the affair to be over.

[CarrieT]

Not worth saving...

 

Only confesses when confronted and would have continued in the lies had you not pushed.

[understand50]

I could understand her reasoning if she was married for 20 years and wanted a little excitement. You are married less than 2 years, she's been doing this guy for a while. She's a health risk to you. Do not have unprotected sex with her until she has been tested for everything. Make her prove she is not pregnant. Do not even think about having a child with her until you know what you want. Your wife is in love with another man, talk to a lawyer, find out your rights, expose her and if O/M has a wife or girlfriend expose him. They can't work together or for the same company anymore. She needs a shot of reality because up until now she's been living in a fantasy land. Expose them if you want the affair to be over.

 

Stargazie,

 

I am sorry that this is happening to you , and that your wife is unworthy of your love and support. I try and see a way to reconcile, but this intense, multiple sexual encounters, sex in your home and bed, is just too much in a 2 year marriage. If this had been a one night stand, after a drunken night, yeah, I could see trying to work it out. For the type of affair, so early in your marriage, I would advise to kick her out, tell her family and friends, go no contact, and file for divorce.

 

You also, thank god, have no kids. If you had kids with her, will you ever really know if they are yours?

 

The last case, as Aliveagain states above, "She needs a shot of reality because up until now she's been living in a fantasy land." Your wife, would be better involved with a man into swinging, or a open marriage. From what you are writing she is not remorseful, not open with the real truth, and is just looking for this to "blow" over so she can use you as her support, until she finds the next "fu&k buddy" to be with.

 

You need to do the following this week:

 

1) Get tested for STD. Have you wife tested as well, and test to see if she is pregnant

 

2) You need to get with a lawyer, and see what your rights and obligations are.

 

3) You need to kick your wife out, or you need to move out. GO NO CONTACT.

 

4) You need to let everyone know why this happened, her friends, your friends, family - both sides. Use the pictures if they will not believe you.

 

Lastly, you need to ACT. Do not wait, and let this fester.

 

I wish you luck.

[Morro72]

Run. Fast. Don't look back.

[Stargazie]

I can probably imagine she is still withholding as much as she can, it's self-preservation I guess. I keep wanting to ask more questions, and I do ask, but I'm always hurt by the answers. Did you enjoy it. Yes. Was he bigger than me. No, same size. How old is he. 40. Why didn't you use a condom. It just happened. I want to know and I don't want to know at the same time.

 

I'm going through phases of anger and the idea of kicking her out (not realistic as we co-own the apartment we live in so unsure of the logistics) and then sadness and giving in to her idea of seeking external help (not much point?). She wants me to wait a few weeks and see how I feel. She has been super super nice the last few days. I'm pretty certain of my way forward, I'm going to contact a attorney this week and at least seek out my options.

 

She isn't pregnant as far as I can see/tell, and her pill has been taken as far as I can tell on the packet. No sickness either. I'm heading off to the doctor to get checked out this week. I hope to god its clear. I advised her to do the same, but she said might as well only pay for the one (mine) but I said she is going to go as just because I'm clean doesn't mean she isn't.

[Artie Lang]

you're still protecting her from the fallout- blow this thing outta the water, my friend. i would advise you to inform those most close to you for support.

 

if this man is also married, you need to inform his wife- she has a right to know, as well.

[Satu]

Snip

*Question for you guys, this isn't worth saving is it? If this was me reading this story as an outsider I would say "she's lied once, she'll do it again" but I would like your advice please! I can't see straight at the minute.

 

Thoughts?

 

*No, it's not worth saving, and she is not worth keeping.

[dental]

Two years of marriage, seven year itch. She's bored with her life with you at this moment. She wants her pleasures with other men. This unity is no more. Set her free, leave this situation and find your own happiness.

[flowergirl14]

If you dont have kids there is No Way I would stay. This is a huge scar on your marriage. Since it is so new(the marriage) you ll still be thinking about this in 20 yrs. When I first found out I kept wondering when does it end the sadness and obsessive thoughts. It dies down but so long as your with her their will be triggers. Just not worth staying. I am married to a serial cheater so I know they can and will do it again!

[Marc878]

Infidelity is bad enough but the lying is worse. Do you really want this in your life? You only have two years invested. Do not be a doormat and move on. There are much better women out there. This will eat you up long term unless you're the type that can accept the disrespect that you will have to take long term. I would advise full disclosure to family, friends, OMs wife. I did not and took the full brunt on my shoulders. While they got off Scott free. I much regret it every day. Don't make my mistake. Take the short term pain now and have a future but share it. They do deserve it.

[HereNorThere]

Oh man, I feel like I need a shower just reading that.

 

Do you think there's something worth saving? Would you advise a friend or relative to stay with someone like this?

 

Hell no, of course not. You know what you have to do. Run, run as fast you can and never look back. When you think you've ran far enough, keep on running.

 

Ugh, man, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I feel so totally disgusted right now. Dude, go.now.fast

 

There's no going back. This is an extinction level event. This is what killed the dinosaurs. Duck and cover. And get yourself to a therapist.

[HereNorThere]

Don't do the trickle truth, emotional scaring dance.

 

Do what everyone on here wishes they'd have done - RUN

[loveboid]

This is not worth fighting for, no. Fight for your next lover now. Keep taking care of yourself. Let this one go. And in the future, trust and verify.

[sandylee1]

She's cheated so early in your marriage

You've got no kids

She didn't use protection

She's had him in your house

She has no respect for you

She's lying about the number of times she slept with him

She's not wife or mother material

 

You deserve a faithful wife. It's not too much to ask at all. She ain't worth it and she'll do it again.

 

Why would you want a woman that you have keep tabs on so she doesn't open her legs for another man. That will just emasculate you.

 

There's many women out they looking for a husband that will be faithful. Tell her family and don't keep her secret. Keep the email proof.

 

Just one word.......DIVORCE

[Trishern]

She's not worth it at all.

Don't waste another moment of your life with her.

 

 

She's a cheating liar and you should et her be with the man she want. Why play second best to anyone?

 

 

Your Aunt was right She sounds like a serial cheat.

 

 

 

 

Mrs T

[TX-SC]

Short term marriage and no kids? Get out now and thank God you caught it when you did. No, it's not worth salvaging at this point. You can start new, with someone who has never cheated. Or, you can go down a long a difficult reconciliation process. In fact, you will never have the same relationship again. You may forgive her but you'll never forget. You also will never fully trust her.even years down the line. If she works late, you will worry. If she acts funny about her phone, you will worry. if she makes a new friend, you will worry.

 

Save yourself a lot of agony here. End it now. Tell your family, her family, and any mutual friends, why you are divorcing. Don't let her blame you or twist the truth. Go see a lawyer and start the divorce process.

 

As for the orgasms... This has nothing to do with you at all. This is completely on her.

[oldshirt]

I agree with Herenorthere, I feel like I need a shower and a bleach scrub with a wire brush after reading that. Sorry this has happened to you Bro.

 

 

Here are a few points to consider in no particular order -

 

 

- this was a very developed affair with declarations of feelings and multiple sexual encounters. She is very involved with him and dug in very deep. Her feelings for you have had no choice but to take a nosedive while she is enthralled with him.

 

 

- You only know the tip of the iceberg. She has only confessed what she knows that you can prove and she tried to lie her way out of all of that. She is still actively deceiving you on a lot of other things.

 

 

- This is just speculation on my part but it is probably true nonetheless - she has been pretty bold and brazen about this affair, she has probably had others before this one that she got away with.

[m.snow]

((arghhh))

 

the marital bed the marital home. is a sacred place and a sacred space.

 

they had sex on the marital bed! T_T

the only means to emasculate you.

 

its time to throw the marital bed out. pls throw the bed out.

and change the marital bed room!

 

you have to force her to answer on this.

-tell her you knew he was in the house, and ask if they did it in the marital bed?

 

you have to tell friends and family. (AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE)

(take it from me staying quiet you lose alot more).

 

she is now setting her story. putting her ducks in a row to find excuses for the affair.

you must tell the parents now!

she wants to stay quite so she can pin the problem on you.

she will talk bad about you to everybody.

 

this transgression is inconsolable

Edited August 17, 2015 by m.snow

[oldshirt]

now here is the bad news....

 

 

There are some marriages that can recover and go on to be happy and healthy following an affair. (definition of "healthy and happy" meaning that both spouses love and respect each other, enjoy being together and most importantly that there are NO further affairs and the couple resumes a satisfactory love/sexlife)

 

 

However they all tend to follow these criteria -

 

 

- The BS draws a thick line is the sand and establishes strong boundaries against any bad behavior and has ZERO tolerance for any lies, deceptions or any further contact between the WS and the AP.

 

 

- The WS ceases ALL contact with the AP for life and becomes completely transparent in all communications and in all comings and goings.

 

 

-The WS comes 100% clean on the true dynamics and depths of the A so that the BS can determine if he/she wishes to attempt to continue the marriage or not.

 

 

-The WS needs to take responsibility to get tested for STDs/pregnancy before sexual relations resume with spouse.

 

 

- The WS experiences real world consequences of their actions such as legal separation, loss of support, loss of affections etc from the BS. The affair is exposed to family and the place of employment etc etc etc.

 

 

- The couple enters into intensive MC and both parties attend in full faith and do their due diligence with the recommendations and assignments etc from the therapist.

 

 

-Both spouses face their role in creating the environment that allowed the A to flourish and both take responsibility for making the marriage as strong as possible moving forward into the future.

(many BS's have an issue with that in thinking that it is somehow blaming the BS for the A. It is not. It is accepting that both people created the dynamics that allowed the A to occur and both people will need to put in a lot of hard work to make the marriage work going into the future)

 

 

cont....

[oldshirt]

So here are the questions you need to be asking yourself at this point.

 

 

Primarily, is she going to be compliant with ANY of that????

 

 

And also, are you going to be strong enough to play hardball and draw a line in the sand and enforce all of those criteria to the letter and not allow any leeway???

 

 

In other words, will she come completely clean on the depths and dynamics of the affair? Will she tolerate you having total access to all of her communications and comings and goings? Will she get tested for STDs? Will she sever ALL contact with the OM for life? Will she inform you if he tries to contact her? Will she rebuff the advances of other men as time goes on?

 

 

And will you be able to institute an absolute zero tolerance policy for any breach of the above criteria??

 

 

 

 

And here is the real clincher for you - even if she is 100% compliant with all of those criteria, will you be able to love and respect her and treat her with the dignity and honor that a man should treat his wife even though she has done this terrible thing????

 

 

If the answer to all of those questions is a solid yes, then you might (and I do stress the word "might" ) be able to save this marriage and move forward.

 

 

But any 'no's that occur in that list will be deal breakers that indicate that this situation probably cannot be rectified.

 

 

And here is the big factor you need to consider - in order to fix this it is going to take a lot of work, a lot of pain, and probably a number of years to get things to where you are both happy and functioning as a married couple.

 

 

If you had small children to feed, it might be worth the hassle. But as a young, childless couple, it will be a lot quicker, simpler, cheaper and a lot less painful to simply throw in the towel, get as quick and simple divorce as possible and move on.

 

 

You will have some sleepless nights, shed some tears and have some moments of self-doubt and indecision. But in less than a year you will probably be happily single and dating a number of quality women and will surely find love again in a reasonable amount of time.

[bubbaganoosh]

I can probably imagine she is still withholding as much as she can, it's self-preservation I guess. I keep wanting to ask more questions, and I do ask, but I'm always hurt by the answers. Did you enjoy it. Yes. Was he bigger than me. No, same size. How old is he. 40. Why didn't you use a condom. It just happened. I want to know and I don't want to know at the same time.

 

Look. You can ask questions until your blue in the face and all it will do is make you ask more.

 

I'm telling you this from experience. I had to wait 40 years for the chance to ask the questions that needed to be answered and it was 40 years worth of nothing. I still didn't get what I was searching for because NO ANSWER IS GOOD ENOUGH.

 

What you have to do is stop worrying about her feelings because if you re read what you wrote then ask yourself this question. Was she looking out for your feelings? You know the answer to that just like all of us do. She's in it for herself and she knows she's on the hot seat. She's more worried about what other people will think then she is giving you a STD with unprotected sex. She's a liar, a cheat and has no respect for you. That's all you need to know to base your decision. Nothing more.

 

Yes she's going to try to change your mind but just look at what your choices are. Single and happy or being with someone who you can't trust.

[seren]

I agree with oldshirt 100%, it is what my H and I did when he had an A, this was 7 and a half years ago and we are very, very happy. Reconciliation is damned hard and truth is the most important thing, trickle truth is a nightmare, but, it takes both of you to commit to the long hard slog ahead. We had been married 23 years, but, for me, I weighed up life with and life without the man I loved and love. It came down to did I love him enough to give him this one chance and I did. I have no regrets. It is early days, very early days, once the shock and disgust settles (it never does fully) weigh up your options and go from there. I wish you the very best.