Should have seen it coming..

[drifter777]

OP: In many states a normal, healthy woman who doesn't have to stay home with the kids will get no alimony - especially after such a short marriage. Your lawyer will be able to give you a good idea about alimony.

[HereNorThere]

I just want to take the time to let you know how awesome it is to see someone with a backbone around here. A lot of men on these forums sit and massage their cheating wife's shoulders while their texting OM. Holding and consoling them while the cry about breaking up with their boyfriends, etc.

 

If you don't believe me, go have a look at the threads of the men who decided to stick around. Watch as they shift the blame to the predatory other man who soiled their delicate little flower that would never hurt a soul.

 

Eventually most of them end up adding another toothbrush holder and embroidered towel for OM. They just accept that this is their life, their wife has a boyfriend now and resign to become "weekend dad."

 

Congratulations on your new life, OP. Hopefully once the dust clear you can join us on the dating forum and we can help ya pick up new, better woman.

[sandylee1]

Yeah I know. My point is to tell her to get one. She'll decide whether she will comply with that or not.

 

I thought he already asked her and she refused. Saying no point in wasting money on 2 tests for the both of them.

[HereNorThere]

SAVE THE MARRİAGE !

 

Let Me Tell You About Kelly and Greg...

When I first met Kelly, she and her husband, Greg, were literally driving to the attorney's office to sign their divorce papers when they decided to stop at my office!

They were ready to end their marriage of 14 years.

 

For some time. . . years actually. . . neither had been happy. There had been attempts to change, but things always fell apart.

 

It had been years since either Kelly or Greg felt good about their relationship.

In fact, for some time, they had stayed together just for the kids.

 

Does this sound familiar to you?

 

There was much sleeping on the couch and in the spare bedroom.

They were constantly battling over the smallest issue -- which only led to bigger issues.

Threats and yelling were an almost everyday thing.

 

They both desperately wanted to be accepted and loved, but neither felt it. The more each tried, it seemed the further they moved apart.

 

They had tried therapy, self-help books, seminars. But nothing seemed to make a difference.

It seemed as if they were stuck in a vicious cycle. They knew they needed to change things in their relationship...but they just didn't know how.

I'm not going to try and convince you that I was able to undo years of fighting, struggling and disappointment in a day. But, with what they learned in my office that day, they decided to put their impending divorce "on hold."

 

Within a few weeks, there was a dramatic transformation in their marriage...

 

There were no angry arguments that went nowhere.

There was no "living like roommates" or sleeping on the couch.

There was no more name-calling or tearing-down of each other.

Their, previously sexless, marriage saw sparks of true pleasure and intimacy again.

 

 

Wait... Didn't Kelly end up giving Greg aids and he died from aids related pneumonia while she inherited his family fortune and was able to use the money for an experimental aids treatment that cured her? Aren't Kelly and OM now living comfortably in Greg's dead parents lakehouse that his father built with his own hands?

[HereNorThere]

ten characters

[sidney2718]

Stargazer,

 

I empathize with the position you're in. I think it takes guts to have the resolve you are showing so soon after the betrayal. Stay strong and get the stench of this other man's fluids out of your house, burn the offing mattress.

 

It'll cost a buck or two but if you really want fun have the mattress delivered to the OM.

[Sweet Workaholic]

But I wouldn't tell her parents.

 

I always feel that when I exercise revenge it diminishes me. I don't do it any more.

 

Does she deserve it? Sure. So what? Lots of people deserve punishment. If we don't know them, we don't spend time punishing them. *You no longer know her.*. *Shes nobody to you.* *Shes not your responsibility.* Best revenge is to make clear to her that you don't care enough about her to rat her out. It's not entirely true, but if you can pretend to be indifferent to her not only will you feel stronger but it's actually the best revenge of all. Say to yourself "I thought you were someone worth caring about, but I've discovered you aren't. My mistake. Moving on now."

 

I'm not advocating stupidity. Make a packet of all the evidence (photos of her with toys, etc) and hand it to her. (Or have your lawyer do it.) Say "as long as you tell your parents and others that the divorce is your fault, this will stay secret. If I ever hear you've said anything was my fault, they'll all get a copy of this package."

[Artie Lang]

well, i wouldn't say it's revenge. sometimes you'd like the truth to get out for the simple fact that she(or they, in general terms) may spin this and rewrite their marital history by lying to anyone and everyone about the true reason for the deterioration of their marriage. you have to understand, you may not be dealing with rational people in these situations. they don't want their reputations to take a hit so they lie about what really went on.

 

heard it happen plenty of times.

[HereNorThere]

Telling the truth isn't about revenge. The truth is what it is, the truth. It's healthy. Just the same as OP has a right to know the truth about who she is, so do her parents. They have an interpersonal relationship with her the same as anyone else.

 

How can they get her the help she needs if they don't even know what's wrong with her? Why should they be made into victims as well? Why should OP be forced into being her enabler? So OP should lie or lie by omission? OP deserves to have his good name slandered?

 

Should we not have given Bill Cosby's victims their voice? Should we have silenced them? Do victims not deserve to have their voice heard?

[oldshirt]

But I wouldn't tell her parents.

 

I always feel that when I exercise revenge it diminishes me. I don't do it any more.

 

Does she deserve it? Sure. So what? Lots of people deserve punishment. If we don't know them, we don't spend time punishing them. *You no longer know her.*. *Shes nobody to you.* *Shes not your responsibility.* Best revenge is to make clear to her that you don't care enough about her to rat her out. It's not entirely true, but if you can pretend to be indifferent to her not only will you feel stronger but it's actually the best revenge of all. Say to yourself "I thought you were someone worth caring about, but I've discovered you aren't. My mistake. Moving on now."

 

I'm not advocating stupidity. Make a packet of all the evidence (photos of her with toys, etc) and hand it to her. (Or have your lawyer do it.) Say "as long as you tell your parents and others that the divorce is your fault, this will stay secret. If I ever hear you've said anything was my fault, they'll all get a copy of this package."

 

 

Informing her family is not revenge. It is not meant to harm her. It is to inform them exactly why they are in a state of disarray and possibly separating and potentially even divorcing.

 

 

She will surely spin this to make him look like the bad guy and they will by default take her side. He has the right to protect his good name and ensure that they have the truth even if they will still stand by her and support her.

 

 

The WS's family can also play a critical role in helping to clear the WS's head of their affair fog. When your mamma slaps you upside the head and tells you that you screwed up and are being stupid, it can have a big impact on realizing that the AP isn't all that and that the BS isn't all bad.

 

 

Shining the light on the affair to the WS's family is actually a pretty critical part of the process.

 

 

Now that being said, there are those that believe that the BS should refrain from telling their own family about the A if there is a chance they may try reconciliation because the BS's family may hold such a grudge and be so nasty to the WS that it makes reconciliation that much more difficult.

 

 

But informing the WS's family is an important part of the process and it is not about revenge at all.

[troubadour]

 

I'm not advocating stupidity. Make a packet of all the evidence (photos of her with toys, etc) and hand it to her. (Or have your lawyer do it.) Say "as long as you tell your parents and others that the divorce is your fault, this will stay secret. If I ever hear you've said anything was my fault, they'll all get a copy of this package."

 

 

Actually, it does sound quite stupid.

[m.snow]

always disclose everything. don't ever listen to people saying, should just shut-up!

 

cheaters always use that idiotic phrase "don't hang your dirty laundry for the world to see."

 

you just cant let people destroy your reputation.

don't let it be like you were gonna divorce her that's why she cheated.

let it be known that you divorced her because she cheated.

 

do what ever is best for you. focus on you!

 

just because your wife cheated doesn't mean you can have good relations with the in-laws.

 

tell the office. tell her work friends. call everyone!

-let them know your not at fault. the divorce is happening

 

tell them the truth or she will ruin your reputation with the in-laws and other people.

 

if they hear you divorce her first. they will use that as a reason why your wife cheated.

 

seen it happened to me and to others so don't ever follow that advice, to just keep quite about the affair.

 

dammit let everybody know!

[Silveron]

Star,

 

 

You received a lot of advice on here. For only being married two years this is very alarming. You are now in detective mode and from here on out you will continue to be (for years). Trust is earned, not given and when the person who is suppose to love you the most have deceived you then who can you really trust?

 

 

You asked whether you should stay with her or divorce her. It all depends on a number of factors. First is 'why' did she do this? She has to figure out the root cause (immaturity, BPD, mental illiness, etc..) and the only way is for her to get into counseling otherwise it is a guarantee that she will do this sort of thing again. In the meantime you won't be yourself (understandable) but this will drive a wedge between you two.

 

 

Second is, how much do you enjoy playing this detective role? How fast will the 'coming home on time' and 'allowed to look at her phone, emails, etc..' last before she starts talking about the privacy issue again and getting you suspicious?

 

 

Remember she hasn't been forthcoming with her information she has only solidified what YOU found out. If she were to come to you because of her remorse of the situation that would help bolster the case in staying with her. However it wasn't until you found her at HIS place that things started unraveling. She even lied the first time when you asked her where she was at.

 

 

Not only did she cheat, she continues to lie. Until she can mature enough and take responsibility to the point that she knows she needs to see a counselor then I would not put much faith into her. If you do want to stay with her, boundaries need to be in place, counseling for her is mandatory and not one or two sessions. I am talking at least a year.

 

 

Did she do more than just this guy? Only she knows and I doubt she will give you an honest answer.

[Stargazie]

Hey everyone.

 

Just thought I would update this, I know its been a while but I thought I would give you guys closure, and get some myself as this board helped me a lot.

 

We both made up and lived happily ever after.....

 

Nah we didn't, we are now divorced as of last week.

 

She tried and tried to rectify things, and I think in some way she was very very remorseful as time went on. She didn't fight the divorce in the end, she let me keep the house and signed a court order that she can never claim anything from me again, as long as I didn't tell people she cheated. I gave her $3000 for her share in the house. In the end I didn't want to be angry anymore. We still meet up every few weeks for a coffee and have settled as unusual friends. I will never get back with her, but life is too short to be full of hatred. She explained fully her actions and I accepted them and I have moved on. No triggers. I still think she is holding back on some info such as him never being in our bed or our house or maybe that she has cheated before, but more for not hurting me further rather than saving face. She knows I'm over whatever she has done now. But I sense she did more.

 

She got with the guy she cheated on me with, but as probably to be expected it was the taboo and thrill of cheating for them, and covered up his personality. Turns out he is a verbally abusive guy with anger issues. She has now ditched him and never wants to see him again. I'm indifferent, but slightly happy. She is since dating, and so am I. Been with my girlfriend for 2 months now, shes great.

 

Any questions you want to ask go ahead, but I feel like I hit the recovery road running and I'm not looking back. No STDs too.

 

All in all, thanks to you all who gave advice.

[Buckeye2]

Thanks for the update and it sounds like you’re doing great.

 

 

She didn't fight the divorce in the end, she let me keep the house and signed a court order that she can never claim anything from me again, as long as I didn't tell people she cheated. I gave her $3000 for her share in the house.

 

 

Married less than two years, no kids, bought out her share of the house, both employed. What in the world could she claim from you after the divorce was final?

 

 

She looks a bit lost in herself, I personally think she's more worried about her friends and her parents finding out as she keeps asking me to sort it out between us, don't involve anyone else.

 

 

I think your assessment is correct. I also think that you gained nothing in the agreement while she gained you not spilling the beans. If you broke the agreement now what could she come after you for?

[aliveagain]

Friend, she's not your problem anymore and even having her as a friend is a stretch because friends don't do what she did to you. Nothing was sacred to her, she trashed everything. The best thing for you is to cut her out of your life all together so you never have to be reminded of the pain she caused you. If you can't trust them and you know they will lie to you, why have them around you? Glad to know you have someone new in your life.

[Clay]

I found that I didn't really care why my xW cheated. I did during the marriage but that last time I caught her things just snapped for me. I was done. Good for you for getting out of there and letting go.

 

Life is so much better with them out of your life.

 

C

[TrustedthenBusted]

No kids? I'd Bounce. Children are the only thing worth even TRYING for. ( not necessarily worth staying for....just trying )

[road]

Hey everyone.

 

Just thought I would update this, I know its been a while but I thought I would give you guys closure, and get some myself as this board helped me a lot.

 

We both made up and lived happily ever after.....

 

Nah we didn't, we are now divorced as of last week.

 

She tried and tried to rectify things, and I think in some way she was very very remorseful as time went on. She didn't fight the divorce in the end, she let me keep the house and signed a court order that she can never claim anything from me again, as long as I didn't tell people she cheated. I gave her $3000 for her share in the house. In the end I didn't want to be angry anymore. We still meet up every few weeks for a coffee and have settled as unusual friends. I will never get back with her, but life is too short to be full of hatred. She explained fully her actions and I accepted them and I have moved on. No triggers. I still think she is holding back on some info such as him never being in our bed or our house or maybe that she has cheated before, but more for not hurting me further rather than saving face. She knows I'm over whatever she has done now. But I sense she did more.

 

She got with the guy she cheated on me with, but as probably to be expected it was the taboo and thrill of cheating for them, and covered up his personality. Turns out he is a verbally abusive guy with anger issues. She has now ditched him and never wants to see him again. I'm indifferent, but slightly happy. She is since dating, and so am I. Been with my girlfriend for 2 months now, shes great.

 

Any questions you want to ask go ahead, but I feel like I hit the recovery road running and I'm not looking back. No STDs too.

 

All in all, thanks to you all who gave advice.

 

 

 

 

Did your WW ever end the trickle truth and tell you everything?

 

 

So what made you decide to divorce her instead of recovering the marriage?

[jenkins95]

Just read the entire thread. Incredible. Well done stargazie, I am full of admiration with how you are handling yourself. I wish you all the best. The future is bright!

[Marc878]

You were lucky. Her affair foray being kept a secret meant more to her than your marriage. This is one time keeping the exposure card back paid off.

 

You dodged a big one and got out a lot cleaner than most.

 

Glad for you man.

 

IMO you'd be better off to go dark on her. She's not your friend. Although the word friend I don't use lightly it's not just a word to me.

[drifter777]

You are a great example to all BH's. When there are no kids just divorce. Don't even try reconciliation because you'll both be better off just ending the marriage. BS will heal faster when they end contact with WS and are able to detach from them emotionally. The WS deserves to start a new relationship without the heavy baggage that cheating brings.

 

Congratulations & well done!

[Bufo]

Settled as unusual friends.......

 

Not a head slap or a 2x4. Just a word of caution and something for you to consider

 

As long as you are friendly to her she knows that what she did to you (cheating and lying) wasn't too bad after all. At least that's what you are allowing her to think. After all if those acts were devastating you wouldn't be friendly to her.

 

Because you are and were the nice guy, please consider whether or not this continued friendship is enabling her to remain in place. Without serious introspection she will never change whatever it was that met her decide that choosing an affair and lying about it was acceptable behavior in a marriage or relationship.

 

If she becomes involved with another man, you aren't doing him any favors.

 

And you need not prove to her that you are indeed a nice guy. She fired you from your job as husband. Consider firing her as your friend. You need not be cruel or abrupt. Just be of diminishing availability. Don't support this odd version of post divorce cake eating. There really is nothing of lasting value in it for you. I've made that mistake before with a couple of ex fiancess

[merrmeade]

As long as you are friendly to her she knows that what she did to you (cheating and lying) wasn't too bad after all.

Never thought of this in terms of my sister-in-law, the OW, but hope you're right.

[R.Gant]

recommend her to individual counseling also for you, but specially for her.

 

she just jumping from one relationship to the next isn't she? no commitment at all.