Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[aliveagain]

I hope he bought the flowers and didn't pick them from next door. Sorry but the story they concocted about your husband helping her with a landscaping project so he could visit her while you were home waiting for him still blows my mind. I'm sure there are many men that would confuse plowing a garden with plowing the neighbour in a garden, must happen all the time. He's a sneaky one, I would still talk to a lawyer and find out your options. You or she has to move, make that a requirement of reconciliation.

[sandylee1]

I don't see anyone insulting Taylor here. We're just pointing out things that she may not see because she's so close to the situation and very much in love with him.

 

The fact is he may very well be remorseful, he's apologised to your mom and that's a good sign. The thing is that sometimes remorse isn't enough for what's happened. That doesn't mean you have to hate him forever, it doesn't even mean that you can't forgive him.

 

What it does mean , is that you have to seriously focus on the fact that he cheated when things were good. I have kids and when they were younger things were sometimes difficult. I focused a lot on the kids, I didn't feel he helped enough with them and we didn't make enough time for each other. To go on date nights and the like.

With kids come additional expenses and that can add to the stress, talk less of the sleepless nights and such.

 

Don't get me wrong , being a mom is fantastic and I'd never not want my kids as they are priceless in my life, but you guys didn't have those issues to deal with and he cheated under your nose regardless and it CANNOT be overlooked that he wanted it to continue and only confessed because his hand was forced.

 

I'm not saying cheating is ever the right thing to do, but if it happened when my marriage was in a horrible stressful place and I constantly rejected my husband, then I'd know that with a second chance, things could be better and we could work on the marriage.

None of that seems to be the case here.

 

There was a guy whose wife cheated after 29 years of marriage. He said she was the perfect wife, she demonstrated her love for him everyday. They always complemented each other and professed their love. They kept the romance going and even their adult children would say they wanted such a marriage.

 

Then after exposure ...his wife promises she will show her love for him till the day she dies, she will worship him and be the best wife and make him happy. He told her, "but you did make me happy. I did feel loved, I haven't got a single complaint about how you treated me and at this point you don't have a single complaint about how I treated you". "All you can say is that you were stupid and didn't think I'd find out" "That you never meant to hurt me"

 

"If everything was so perfect and you cheated, we have nowhere to go, because I can't ask for anything more from you as a wife and I will always love you, but you cheated in a great marriage by your own admission, so divorce it is".

 

Can you believe that like you he was suspicious and she went as far as doing research online and 'diagnosed' him with Othello syndrome. That's where a husband suspects an innocent wife of having an affair and Othello ultimately kills his innocent wife Desdemona because of his jealousy. This guy's wife found him a therapist to deal with his jealousy!

 

Your H wasn't as bad as this in terms of gaslighting but he had you thinking there was nothing going on......and deceived you.......but my point is that the marriage was really good at the time of the affair. What happens when a little stress and difficulty happens?

 

How do you stop another perky blonde from catching his eye, because some women don't see a MM as unavailable, they love the challenge of getting another woman's husband. You as the BW are not a thought for them, except that you're an obstacle to getting 'their man'. But you'd like to know that even if the best looking woman throws themself at him, that he would say I'm not interested

 

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh.

[elaine567]

I just love him so much, I mean I hate him for what he did, but I love him immensely.

 

What is it you actually love about him?

 

His kind, caring and loving personality???

His loyalty and trustworthiness???

His openness and honesty???

His fine upstanding standards and principles???

 

I know love is blind, but really????...

 

Wake up, I guess he is just sorry he got caught.

[LifesontheUp]

All you guys are making very good points, points that I can't overlook. I just love him so much, I mean I hate him for what he did, but I love him immensely.

 

Every time you had words with him and told him you were unhappy with him going next door, he still went and did it with your neighbour.

 

Sorry, but come on, he didn't give a damn about you right? So why are you giving him the time of day?

[LifesontheUp]

It started with them talking more and more then she would invite him over and they'd smoke cigarettes and have a drink.

 

While all of this is going on, I'm slowly getting more and more suspicious, jealous and angry at both of them. I began talking to my husband telling him his I felt and he said that there's no reason for me to get jealous or upset because he only loves me and that in prettier (which I know she's better looking than me).

 

Anyways he was always over there on the weekends helping her with this landscaping thing, and she would cook him dinner afterwards for helping.

 

I was never invited over, and when I did go over while they were having a cigarette or something they would act like I was an elephant in the room.

 

I've picked some important points in your first post to remember what your husband did.

 

He ignored every time you told him you were unhappy to go to his girlfriend.

[sandylee1]

Lifesontheup raises some really good points.

Perhaps you could write down a few questions for him to answer, so he understands this betrayal a little better .

 

Such as:

 

When I expressed my concerns why didn't you stop?

If we got back together, how do I know you won't do it again?

You cheated when things were going really good for us, why should I place my trust in you?

Do you realise that by cheating, you jeopardise the security of any kids we MAY have in the future? Because our financial situation would be worse running 2 homes and this would affect them?

 

Do you realise that from now on when I hear the word 'landscaping' I will have a trigger and be reminded of your 7 month affair?

 

It really needs to hit home the gravity of what he's done. That he put your health and marriage at risk for his selfish desires.

 

It takes some courage to apologise to your mom. I'd like to think that he would never want to be in that position again. I know that a WH I volunteered with said that really hit home, when his father in law told him "if I knew when I walked my daughter down the aisle, that you would hurt her like this and make her a shadow of her former self, I would have done everything in my power to prevent stop her from marrying you". He went on to say (as his daughter and SIL had kids), that I hope you never see your daughter, in the amount of pain that I'm seeing my daughter in because of you.

 

As an assurance, should you eventually go with reconciliation, I'd seek a post nuptial agreement in your favour should he cheat again (70/30 split) and I'd personally be after a lump sum amount or property transfer to me as a condition of reconciliation.

So that if he does it again, I'd kick him out. He'd have to sign that he has no claim on the property in the event of divorce as a result of infidelity.

 

Of course you don't want THAT particular house. I'm not pro reconciliation in this situation, but if he agreed to those terms, perhaps I'd give it a go. If he's prepared to face an immediate financial hit by loosing his half of the home, then I'd know I'm worth more than money to him and maybe...just maybe he was remorseful.

[Winterina]

What you have now with him is a Stockholm Syndrome type of a thing where the only person that can cure the pain is the person that caused the pain and his deeds and words now are acting like a much needed drug for you. Many of us have been through this for cheating or other reasons.

 

If you stay, be ready for the life of paranoia, checking on him, not believing why he was late, looking for signs of cheating, being on alert... Stressful, isn't it? It will absorb all your life and you might never be able to fully relax, your health might suffer, your self-esteem will be even lower, and so on.

 

Do you really think that the rules you set are doable for the rest of your life? He cannot leave house without you?

 

You are now hanging on every little things he says and does, and cheaters go a long way, crying, throwing up, begging, showering with attention and presents, being sweet, doing the right things, etc... to get the relationship back, and when they do it is usually a matter of time before they cheat again. It can take 10 years but it is more likely to happen again than not, whether you can find out about it or not.

 

How would your sex life look like and could you do it again knowing he has been with her for so long? Like many people here, maybe you will imagine them together for long time and it will be hard for you... maybe you will have to say goodbye to your libido as well.

 

Think about having a kid with him... he will be taking the kid to kindergarten, to playgrounds, etc. He will be in constant contact with many women, if not at work, then for the kid's sake... will you be able to relax and enjoy your time alone while he is out on a playground with all the young moms?

 

Etc...scenarios are many.

 

This is something that you should not put yourself through if you are not the kind of person, and you don't seem to be, that can get over things without consequences.

 

Breaking up on the other hand would mean a period of depression and you will be back, happy and hopeful, and will give yourself a chance to find a new love, someone who will love you and give you a reason to feel good not bad about yourself.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Winterina]

...and stop going over to his place to check on him. Withdraw a bit and let HIM do the work on relationship that HE has screwed up. Why would you do anything but take care of yourself?

[Lois_Griffin]

He was over there with that slut "helping with the hard" and he comes over and says "honey I'm so sorry I f'ed up so bad and I need to come clean".

 

He then proceeded to tell me that he'd been sleeping with this woman for the past 2 months. Apparently the landscaping thing was just a show for my benefit so they'd have a reason for him to go over there. He said that she didn't mean anything it was just for the sex and that he's very sorry and willing to do anything for me to take him back. Even though I had suspicions, I didn't want to believe them so this really ca,e as a shock to me.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I'd be willing to bet a million bucks Miss Thang got up on her high horse and told your cheating husband that she was sick of being his piece of side ass and she either dumped hm or demanded he leave you. She probably told him she was going to tell you about the affair if he didn't do something and that's why you got this sudden 'heartfelt' confession from him.

 

Just part of covering his sleazy, cheating ass.

 

Don't be too impressed that it was his 'guilt' that drove him to confess. Chances are extremely high it wasn't that at all.

[Lois_Griffin]

Then my husband sits me down and tells me that he lied at first and the affair lasted for 7 months instead of 2. He said that he finally confessed because she wanted him to leave me and he refused to do so so he decided to break it off with her.

And there it is, as I'd said in my other post.

 

I knew it was more along the lines of things going badly and him running to confess to you before SHE could. I don't believe for a SECOND that he broke it off with her. I believe she dumped HIM for not leaving you and threatened to tell you about the affair so he simply ran home and beat her to it, is all.

 

This is ALL about him covering his ass and always HAS been about covering his ass. The guy has no boundaries at all and no integrity whatsoever. Getting a piece of ass on the side - while completely disrespecting and disregarding you day after day dafter day after day after day was more important to him than being loyal to YOU. What a prince.

 

The sad truth is that it would have gone on for a lot longer had she not gotten demanding and threatened to tell you about their dirty little affair.

 

Surely you don't think he told you about it because he felt it was the right thing to do???? That was probably the furthest thing from his mind.

[Lois_Griffin]

He could just be telling me what I want to hear but something tells me he realizes what he did was horrible and I think/hope we can make it through this together and stay together.

Sigh. Would you honestly believe for 7 long months, when he lied to your face over and over and over, that this liar was under some kind of magic spell that made it impossible for him to see what a horrible thing he was doing? I mean, seriously?

 

And it's only NOW that he's suddenly able to see how 'horrible' his behavior was?

 

Come on.

 

This is the kind of nonsense that allows serial cheaters to just keep on doing what they've been doing because they know you'll just make excuses for their behavior in order to stay with them.

 

Don't be surprised when your cheating liar of a husband manages to 'team up' with you and get you to direct all your anger at the OW next door. He'll make HER the common enemy that you're both fighting in order to take all the heat off his shoulders.

 

Yeah, cheaters are THAT freakin' predictable.

[Lois_Griffin]

@herenorthere

 

I did move out to my mothers this morning and he did try to make me stay but I finally stood up for myself and told him how it was gonna be. We did have sex a lot while he was cheating so I am disgusted that he was inside me with her fluids on him. But as I said were both getting tested for stds and I just pray neither of us have anything. Anyways he's texting me nonstop telling me to please come home, are these crocodile tears? Possibly but maybe not. I know that I'm basically blinded with shock and depression, but you guys make it out to seem like no guy deserves a second chance. I mean everyone makes mistakes, granted his was a huge one that there no excuse for but still it IS possible that he's changed.

Mistake?

 

A 'mistake' is over-drawing your checkbook.

A 'mistake' is accidently throwing out a receipt you needed for your records.

A 'mistake' is inadvertently driving over the garden hose and destroying it.

 

It wasn't a 'mistake' he made.

 

It was a CHOICE.

 

A CHOICE he made to disrespect you and lie to your face, cheat on you, and risk your sexual health every single day for 210+ days running.

 

And it's a CHOICE he'd still be making TODAY if it weren't for the OW's demands.

 

Why in the hell would you think he's suddenly 'changed?' Because he's telling you whatever you want to hear? Begging you to come home? Proclaiming his undying love for you?

 

The simple truth is that cheaters aren't LOOKING to change their current situation. He wasn't looking to lose his marriage when he was lying to you every day and cheating on you. He was looking for side fun and extra thrills. But he wasn't looking to lose his marriage or he would have left you.

 

So of COURSE he's telling you whatever you want to hear and claiming he's a changed man. He was NEVER looking to lose his marriage in the first place.

 

But he wasn't expecting to get CAUGHT, either.

 

I guarantee you he'll cheat again, too. That's a promise. Anyone who can sink to the level he sunk to doesn't have a decent, honest bone in his body.

 

But the next time you catch him (and you will), you'll have a kid or two with him and you'll be crying that it's too hard to leave and you don't want to break up the family and he's 'such a wonderful daddy to the kids' and on and on.

 

I guess you feel you don't deserve better. That's unfortunate.

[HereNorThere]

Artie he did exactly what you described tonight, except for the whole bending down thing. He actually came over without telling me and begged for my mothers forgiveness. He actually started crying and so did my mother. I cried to, I'm actually starting to think he's genuinely sorry. My mother told him that she forgives him, but she doesn't forget. He told me that he didn't expect an answer from me tonight, he just wanted to make amends with my mom because it was really bothering him. I just don't know, I'm just so confused, he's acting sincere but he's proved himself to be a damn good actor..... Thoughts?

 

My thoughts are, you're missing point. I don't doubt for a second he's genuinely sorry. If you go a prison, most of those people are sorry, usually very religiously, etc. etc.

 

This isn't about his regret or remorse, it's about what he's capable of. Simply put, most people aren't capable of this type of thing. People don't just magically change their moral compass. They weather the storm created by their actions and once the storm has cleared, they go back to being themselves.

 

You're lucky enough to not have children with this guy. I'm sorry, but if you chose to purposely create, or even accidentally create life with this guy, that would make you an unfit parent. If you do have children, you don't them having to deal with this, right?

 

Alas, I feel like Im wasting my breath. You're going to take him back and things will be better (at least for him) for a year or two until he gets restless and bored and you'll be back in the same boat. I don't think for one second you're really even considering leaving him. No, there's just too much co-dependency there.

[elaine567]

Artie he did exactly what you described tonight, except for the whole bending down thing. He actually came over without telling me and begged for my mothers forgiveness. He actually started crying and so did my mother. I cried to, I'm actually starting to think he's genuinely sorry. My mother told him that she forgives him, but she doesn't forget. He told me that he didn't expect an answer from me tonight, he just wanted to make amends with my mom because it was really bothering him. I just don't know, I'm just so confused, he's acting sincere but he's proved himself to be a damn good actor..... Thoughts?

 

The Mum tactic is good, sweet talk and convince the Mum you are a changed man and then you can use her as a tool to convince the daughter to take you back, a two pronged approach.

Clever...

[ShatteredLady]

Will you consider my question about his sexual history & his friends? Was he a womanizer who completely changed when he met you? Did he sleep around & cheat a lot?

[Taylorjones]

I'm very sorry I didn't post here yesterday I spent the day with my husband. I can't believe I didn't say this before but to those of you mentioning kids, me and my husband decided before marriage to not have kids, we just both don't want them. Also, my husband had a couple of girlfriends before we got together but I didn't know him to cheat on them. My husband did a lot of apologizing, and he agreed to any financial agreement I might put in place if we reconcile. He's really trying to get me back, he spent yesterday crying and begging me to forgive him. I saw the OW get to into her care and I tried to say something to her and she said "shut up bitch" so I'm done trying to contact her. I know you guys are gonna hate me for this but the way things are going there's a good chance were gonna start anew together. I know I'm going to deal with anguish every freaking dat of my life, and there's nothing my husband can do to help me cope with it, but he made a wrong choice, a huge one, but a wrong choice. And contrary to what you guys think even though it was 7 months there could still be some good in him and I know there is. I'm still staying at my moms, and she's actually telling me that she's unsure of what I should do. Anyways I would still love any input, and I'll keep you posted.

[S2B]

I guess my suggestion is that if you reconcile then every penny he earns becomes yours to spend however you wish. Spend some on a good trauma counselor for yourself.

 

 

IF you are considering reconciling; what has he changed about his moral compass? Does he intend to change his core character? How? What makes you think he's not capable of doing it again? He will if things don't change.

 

And there's not one reason to go back until you have that conversation with her. His OW is very angry for a reason. I'm sure that reason is him. You need her side of things to know what really happened. He could actually still be seeing her. She may be pregnant and he's not telling you. You need her info.

 

I hope you won't rush to go back because he's got some severe issues to contend with before considering it.

 

He needs to fix what's broken deep inside of himself. That takes time.

 

He also needs to repair the damage he's caused. He hasn't earned your trust. Give it time and wait to see what he changes.

 

If you go back protect yourself and ask him for everything... He owes it to you considering he just blew up your entire life.

[Redheaded Mistress]

If you want to stay together,that's what you want, and that's what makes you happy, then you should do it. People here tend to be hard on this that reconcile, but don't let it get to you. Just make sure you take the steps you need to make to make sure you are happy, healthy, and working with him to resolve the issue and move forward.

 

Good luck and take it a day at a time.

[understand50]

If you want to stay together,that's what you want, and that's what makes you happy, then you should do it. People here tend to be hard on this that reconcile, but don't let it get to you. Just make sure you take the steps you need to make to make sure you are happy, healthy, and working with him to resolve the issue and move forward.

 

Good luck and take it a day at a time.

 

Taylorjones,

 

Redheaded Mistress is right, if you want to have some idea on how to go about reconciliation, let us know. It is a hard thing to do, but not impossible. The biggest thing is the WS, has to do the hard work and has to show true and full remorse.

 

Good luck, and I hope for your happiness.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm very sorry I didn't post here yesterday I spent the day with my husband. I can't believe I didn't say this before but to those of you mentioning kids, me and my husband decided before marriage to not have kids, we just both don't want them. Also, my husband had a couple of girlfriends before we got together but I didn't know him to cheat on them. My husband did a lot of apologizing, and he agreed to any financial agreement I might put in place if we reconcile. He's really trying to get me back, he spent yesterday crying and begging me to forgive him. I saw the OW get to into her care and I tried to say something to her and she said "shut up bitch" so I'm done trying to contact her. I know you guys are gonna hate me for this but the way things are going there's a good chance were gonna start anew together. I know I'm going to deal with anguish every freaking dat of my life, and there's nothing my husband can do to help me cope with it, but he made a wrong choice, a huge one, but a wrong choice. And contrary to what you guys think even though it was 7 months there could still be some good in him and I know there is. I'm still staying at my moms, and she's actually telling me that she's unsure of what I should do. Anyways I would still love any input, and I'll keep you posted.

 

At this point you can take the road to attempt reconciliation. That is your decision. However, let me say this from experience:

 

1- You are only 3 weeks from D-Day. There is more to come. You are in the Shock/Denial Phase. (You probably won't admit to being in denial. You won't see this until you are further along in the process.) This 7-month long affair is too big of a shock to absorb all at once. Where you are emotionally today is not where you will be next week or next month or next year. You will be all over the place emotionally for about a year.

 

2 - As the reality of what he has done starts to sink in. I mean really sink in, you will enter the Anger Phase. Your idea of reconciliation will take a big turn in a month or so as you see this affair for what it is. The entire breadth and depth of the damage by the nuclear bomb your husband placed in your lap will become more real. Unraveling the depths of betrayal and disrespect takes time to unravel. It's too big to grasp all at once.

 

3 - Don't offer him cheap grace. WHY did he do it? Don't accept some lame shallow answer. What plan will be in place to hold him accountable moving forward?

 

4 - You can attempt to reconcile but keep your options open. You will go through hell for about 3 years. That is not a typo: 3 YEARS. You can walk away at any time when you feel like you have had enough.

 

5 -You will never forget. Triggers and reminders are everywhere. Just read the news, watch tv shows, listen to music. Infidelity is ubiquitous.

[Taylorjones]

I realize that I'm still in denial, I admit that I am in a state of denial and disbelief, but I still want my husband. I know there it's gonna be a long hard road ahead and I know that I can't possibly predict what it's gonna be like, but the way things are looking there's about a 60 percent chance I'm gonna stay. I haven't completely decided yet, and I definantly could change my mind. It does bother me that I'm always going to have to watch him like a hawk no matter how trust worthy he might become. Im always gonna have to check up on his phone and internet usage, that bothers me. Also and most of all, I constantly think about him and her having sex. What positions they did, if she gave oral, if he gav oral ect. I can't stop thinking about it and that part does make me furious at him. Needless to say we haven't had sex since he told me and we aren't about to anytime soon. He wrote up a NC letter and gave it to the tramp. And as of now I'm still at my mothers and checking in on him unexpectedly every day. There's a possibility I might move back in with him, but we're moving very soon to a new neighborhood.

[MrBojangles]

Having read your story, I'd tell you the same as others have told you. Since you do not have children with this dirtbag, you should really consider cutting your losses and just divorce him.

 

Do you really want to look over his shoulder for the next 10, 15, or 20 years? How would you have dealt with this if you had young children? If he was disrespectful enough to screw a neighbor, with you at home, then how can you trust him around female coworkers or any other woman outside of your view?

 

Please consider whether or not having him touch you sexually won't dredge up memories of his affair with this woman, each and every time. Cut your losses and send him packing.

[happyman64]

Taylor

 

 

Being a father of 3 daughters I clearly understand why everyone is telling you to ditch him.

 

 

I get it.

 

 

But raising 3 daughters I also understand the need for honesty, commitment, hard work and trust.

 

 

If you do decide to stay with your H get a rock solid agreement in place that he legally must abide by.

 

 

A post nuptial agreement.

 

 

It will test his commitment to you and the marriage.

 

 

You should also make sure your husband acknowledges you are giving him the greatest gift "reconciliation".

 

 

He must acknowledge it only comes once and if he breaches that trust you will never speak or see him again.

 

 

Keep posting.

 

 

HM

[elaine567]

There's a possibility I might move back in with him, but we're moving very soon to a new neighborhood.

 

Let's hope it is a retirement community.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I realize that I'm still in denial, I admit that I am in a state of denial and disbelief, but I still want my husband. I know there it's gonna be a long hard road ahead and I know that I can't possibly predict what it's gonna be like, but the way things are looking there's about a 60 percent chance I'm gonna stay. I haven't completely decided yet, and I definantly could change my mind. It does bother me that I'm always going to have to watch him like a hawk no matter how trust worthy he might become. Im always gonna have to check up on his phone and internet usage, that bothers me. Also and most of all, I constantly think about him and her having sex. What positions they did, if she gave oral, if he gav oral ect. I can't stop thinking about it and that part does make me furious at him. Needless to say we haven't had sex since he told me and we aren't about to anytime soon. He wrote up a NC letter and gave it to the tramp. And as of now I'm still at my mothers and checking in on him unexpectedly every day. There's a possibility I might move back in with him, but we're moving very soon to a new neighborhood.

 

BIB: He will get a burner phone, you can check his regular phone all you like, there's no chance of catching him.

 

BTW, those thoughts of what they got up to only a few feet away from you will stay there, they won't leave your mind. When you do finally engage with H again, those thoughts will run rampage your head and it will kill any passion. It's tough to stop thinking **what did she do I didn't? is he comparing me to her? is he thinking about her right now? did she do this better?** etc. I wish you well should you ultimately decide to stay, just remember you will tire one day of watching his every move and wonder why you wasted your life on him. How many years are you willing to waste?