Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[sandylee1]

Also and most of all, I constantly think about him and her having sex. What positions they did, if she gave oral, if he gav oral ect.

 

Of course they did oral. Why wouldn't they? As long as he wanted it (and I personally have never yet met a guy who doesn't love BJs ) and she wanted him to go down on her , they did it.

 

OWs tend to be super keen to please, so she would fulfill all his fantasies, from swallowing, to anal and reaming. She wanted to top anything you could do to get 'the prize' and please your man.

[qubist]

I realize that I'm still in denial, I admit that I am in a state of denial and disbelief, but I still want my husband. I know there it's gonna be a long hard road ahead and I know that I can't possibly predict what it's gonna be like, but the way things are looking there's about a 60 percent chance I'm gonna stay. I haven't completely decided yet, and I definantly could change my mind. It does bother me that I'm always going to have to watch him like a hawk no matter how trust worthy he might become. Im always gonna have to check up on his phone and internet usage, that bothers me. Also and most of all, I constantly think about him and her having sex. What positions they did, if she gave oral, if he gav oral ect. I can't stop thinking about it and that part does make me furious at him. Needless to say we haven't had sex since he told me and we aren't about to anytime soon. He wrote up a NC letter and gave it to the tramp. And as of now I'm still at my mothers and checking in on him unexpectedly every day. There's a possibility I might move back in with him, but we're moving very soon to a new neighborhood.

you have chosen the hardest choice, a risky one but that could be most rewarding if things works out.

walking out was your other easiest option but would still keep you in pain.make sure he understands what will it take to make this up. print the "things that every WW should know" thread and give to him to read, because it will be challenging. as for your feelings time is a magic healer just focus on your M

Edited August 24, 2015 by qubist

[Satu]

Snip

 

He's really trying to get me back, he spent yesterday crying and begging me to forgive him.

 

I said I wouldn't post anything more on this thread, but I wanted to ask you this:

 

Why does he want you back?

 

Why?

 

"Because he loves me," doesn't work.

 

He 'loved you,' when he cheated on you; so what use to you is his love, when it doesn't even guarantee fidelity, the most basic and essential thing?

 

That seems a very strange kind of love to me.

 

Who benefits from his love?

 

You?

 

Him?

 

Anybody?

 

Why does he want you back?

 

Think long and hard on this.

[Artie Lang]

moving slowly is your best option, right now.

 

i actually think you're doing quite well, considering what you've just experienced. a betrayal such as this is quite traumatic. whatever you do decide on, just think baby steps.

[Taylorjones]

Hey guys sorry for not updating you guys in a little while but things have been going on. I'm still living at my mothers but I spend everyday with my husband talking about our future. He's really impressing me and he's already found a new house we might move into. He's really impressing me because he's really showing remorse for his actions and he's taking everything seriously or so I thought. Last night I was at our house with him and we had dinner and we were talking and he started coming on to me touching me, saying things ect. Needless to say I shot down his advances immediately telling him that we weren't going to be having intercourse any time soon. I was shocked and angry that he tried to do that last night, and it made me think even more about what they did together I started asking him and he said "I already told you" which he really didn't tell me much of anything. Then he said that what's done is done and I shouldn't worry about what happened because he only loves me. This answer didn't help me at all, I want to know every single detail of what he did and up until this point none of his answer have satisfied me. I got angry and he said come on baby lets just have a little fun and he touched my chest area. I immediately got up and told him to call me when he's ready to have a mature conversation about this whenever/ if that ever happens. He tried to get me to stay but I could tell that he only had sex on his mind so I left, got in my car and came home (moms house). I'm seriously pissed about this, I mean really? He was doing so well and I was falling in love for him all over again and then all he can think about when he's supposed to be apologizing is sex? I mean sex is what got the bastard in trouble in the first place is he freaking serious!!!? What do you guys make of this?

[CarrieT]

Then he said that what's done is done and I shouldn't worry about what happened because he only loves me.

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have done what he did - nor would he try to sweep his actions under the rug.

 

he said come on baby lets just have a little fun and he touched my chest area.

You should have slapped him.

 

What do you guys make of this?

What we said before: File for divorce. He is minimizing his actions and trying to worm his way back into your heart with promises of a new house, etc. Doesn't sound like he is truly remorseful.

[MrBojangles]

His actions are predictable. He's not honestly being remorseful, he's trying to get you to accept "rug sweeping".

 

Since you're not there to monitor his activities, would you really know if he's truly ended it with the neighbor woman? He's had his romp, and now you are supposed to allow it all to be swept under the rug for his benefit, and pretend it never happened.

 

If you are going to remain in this marriage, then you both are going to need some counseling before it will ever be close to a true reconciliation. The fact is that when he touched you, it caused you to "trigger", that will NOT get any better without real work with a therapist, and time.

[Taylorjones]

See that's exactly what I thought. I mean he shouldn't of tried to initiate sex in the first place under the circumstances but what about if we do reconcile? When he touched me tonight I got a trigger and I'm afraid if we reconcile it will happen every time he touches me. Even if I found somebody new, whenever he touched me I think I would still get this horrible feeling from being cheated on. I don't know, this sort of opened a can of worms now I'm so confused all over again

[MrBojangles]

See that's exactly what I thought. I mean he shouldn't of tried to initiate sex in the first place under the circumstances but what about if we do reconcile? When he touched me tonight I got a trigger and I'm afraid if we reconcile it will happen every time he touches me. Even if I found somebody new, whenever he touched me I think I would still get this horrible feeling from being cheated on. I don't know, this sort of opened a can of worms now I'm so confused all over again

 

 

This is why if you can afford it, you really need to seek some IC. But should you decide to remain married, you both will need some counseling to work through this.

 

My opinion from what you have stated, is that he has in no way approached showing the true remorse needed to save your marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

I've spoken about a man I was really good friends with before. He met his wife when they were both at university. She had a best friend from early childhood. She'd been through a lot in her life & her friend was like a sister to her. He had an affair with the friend & eventually the friend told his wife (girlfriend at the time). It destroyed the friendship. In his 40's he nearly had tears in his eyes recanting the story. He dearly loved his wife, the mother of his 3 children & was still haunted by the pain he caused.

As I said, I was good friends with him. He told me all kinds of things. He had no cause to mislead me about his sincerity. Sounds like a nice guy? Truly sorry for that terrible infidelity? YES! No doubt.

He had had countless affairs throughout his marriage. Countless one night stands. He was always sorry. We discussed that he had a mental problem. He had therapy WHILST HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR!! He'd slept with most friends his wife had ever had!

They reached crisis point when he told her he was having an affair (his therapist advised) & she responded "Why did you have to tell me? Of course you are! I always know you are but now you've said it I have to do something about it!". She threw him out. They ended-up getting back together.

 

He was ALWAYS sincerely sorry! He ALWAYS loved his wife! He ALWAYS cheated!

[Artie Lang]

Then he said that what's done is done and I shouldn't worry about what happened because he only loves me.

 

ummm, yea... not a good answer.

 

 

have you guys thought about any counseling? i don't think he understands the gravity of the situation. looks like he wants you to rugsweep the whole thing. it's good that you took a stand and didn't engage as you don't seem ready for physical intimacy just yet. you gotta feel safe with him before you let your guard down.

 

 

it made me think even more about what they did together I started asking him and he said "I already told you" which he really didn't tell me much of anything.

 

I want to know every single detail of what he did and up until this point none of his answer have satisfied me.

 

this is exactly why i suggested you pull all of his communications regarding this OW. cheaters have a tendency to try and minimize the extent of their infidelity to try and control the fallout. if this is what you need to move on and forward with reconciliation, i suggest you do it. he's the one who must abide by your conditions, not the other way around.

[World's.Edge]

I've spoken about a man I was really good friends with before. He met his wife when they were both at university. She had a best friend from early childhood. She'd been through a lot in her life & her friend was like a sister to her. He had an affair with the friend & eventually the friend told his wife (girlfriend at the time). It destroyed the friendship. In his 40's he nearly had tears in his eyes recanting the story. He dearly loved his wife, the mother of his 3 children & was still haunted by the pain he caused.

As I said, I was good friends with him. He told me all kinds of things. He had no cause to mislead me about his sincerity. Sounds like a nice guy? Truly sorry for that terrible infidelity? YES! No doubt.

He had had countless affairs throughout his marriage. Countless one night stands. He was always sorry. We discussed that he had a mental problem. He had therapy WHILST HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR!! He'd slept with most friends his wife had ever had!

They reached crisis point when he told her he was having an affair (his therapist advised) & she responded "Why did you have to tell me? Of course you are! I always know you are but now you've said it I have to do something about it!". She threw him out. They ended-up getting back together.

 

He was ALWAYS sincerely sorry! He ALWAYS loved his wife! He ALWAYS cheated!

..........

[understand50]

See that's exactly what I thought. I mean he shouldn't of tried to initiate sex in the first place under the circumstances but what about if we do reconcile? When he touched me tonight I got a trigger and I'm afraid if we reconcile it will happen every time he touches me. Even if I found somebody new, whenever he touched me I think I would still get this horrible feeling from being cheated on. I don't know, this sort of opened a can of worms now I'm so confused all over again

 

Taylorjones,

 

Do not let his actions make your life hell. You are not the cheater, so try and remind yourself that this is not your fault. In this phase, many couples go trough hysterical bonding, IE lots of sex. He may feel the need to be with you. It is your body and soul, so do what is right for you.

 

I would hope if you move on to someone new, you can leave these feeling behind. Get help if you feel you cannot, as having him being the cause of all this pain and hurt and then mess up your sex life as well, would be a tragedy for you.

 

This is something you will have to overcome if your reconciliation is to work. It is early, so keep an open mind.

 

I wish you luck.

[elaine567]

This triggering, the mind movies, the trickle truthing, the lack of true remorse from the cheater, and the intrinsic lack of trust is what makes reconciliation very difficult. It takes literally years to get over even with IC and MC.

Many stay for the children alone and that gives them an incentive.

 

As you have no children and no real reason to put yourself through such hell for years and years, then that is why many here have urged you to move on.

[qubist]

Tylorjones: I don't know his intentions and nobody here can know that either. I've seen people here jumping into conclusions but just be careful.

I don't see any harm about him wanting sex from you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you rejecting it. Average person is not aware of how to handle these kind of situations the right way and there is a chance he is no idea that you were triggered by his sexual approach. you said that you felt he was doing all the right things and showing remorse till he touched you. base on that I would still give him the benefit of the doubt. IDK if you've done that but it would help if you print out the thread " what every WW needs to know about R" and give it to him to read. he needs to understands what he has to go through to get your trust back. Reconciliation is hard and will demand efforts from both of you.

I'm basing my opinion on what you have said, I sense that you do want to give him a chance to fix the marriage. if that's not the case there is the easier way out of all this which is giving up on him.

just remember that guys sees thinks differently, we tent to think that sex is the ultimate sign of "everything is alright between us" and he though he did enough to achieve it he might not realize that he is stil way behind that goal. with that being said I can't confirm for sure that these are really his intentions. if you decide to fix your marriage and both of you do the right thing you will find out whether he really loves or not

[Redheaded Mistress]

Women know the relationship is Ok because they're talking to their partner.

 

Men know the relationship is Ok because they're having sex with their partner.

 

If you want a shot of things working out, he has to figure out how to talk to you and you have to figure out how to have sex with him.

 

If things are going well and you're starting to feel that intimate connection with him again, you can't really fault him for trying to initiate something and we can't fault you for turning him down. I'm more concerned, however, that he viewed having sex with you as "a bit of fun." Reconciliation sex isn't about fun... It's about fixing the connection.

 

You need to be clear with him that sex is for sure off the table until x, y, and z has happened, and your feelings A, B, and C are why you feel that way. After X, Y, and Z, then you can see where things are and try again.

 

If he's willing to wait, work on it, and give it a shot, then you'll have a better idea of if you want to reconcile or not. If he doesn't, well... That says a lot too, doesn't it?

 

And if you're reconciling, you need to be aware that means he'll be allowed to make demands of you too... It's not a one-way street. You'll need things from him again to trust, but he'll need things from you to show that you're also invested and at least trying to get to a good place in the marriage. So be prepared from him to hear what he needs from you too.

[qubist]

Women know the relationship is Ok because they're talking to their partner.

 

Men know the relationship is Ok because they're having sex with their partner.

 

If you want a shot of things working out, he has to figure out how to talk to you and you have to figure out how to have sex with him.

 

If things are going well and you're starting to feel that intimate connection with him again, you can't really fault him for trying to initiate something and we can't fault you for turning him down. I'm more concerned, however, that he viewed having sex with you as "a bit of fun." Reconciliation sex isn't about fun... It's about fixing the connection.

 

You need to be clear with him that sex is for sure off the table until x, y, and z has happened, and your feelings A, B, and C are why you feel that way. After X, Y, and Z, then you can see where things are and try again.

 

If he's willing to wait, work on it, and give it a shot, then you'll have a better idea of if you want to reconcile or not. If he doesn't, well... That says a lot too, doesn't it?

 

And if you're reconciling, you need to be aware that means he'll be allowed to make demands of you too... It's not a one-way street. You'll need things from him again to trust, but he'll need things from you to show that you're also invested and at least trying to get to a good place in the marriage. So be prepared from him to hear what he needs from you too.

this is exactly what i wanted to say i just couldn't express it this clear. OP: do not jump into conclusion this fast. we, men, see sex as the prove that everything is perfect, it is in our DNA. he needs to be taught that women are different.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Oh... And you don't want to know EVERYTHING. You really don't.

[HereNorThere]

I think you are expecting way too much from this guy. If you think he has forethought, empathy, etc. you are in for a big surprise. Your husband is the equivalent of a college frat guy. He's gonna sleep with anything that's still warm. Obviously if it isn't you, it will be someone else. You're going to have to see him for who he truly is. He's not capable of giving you the peace and understanding that you need.

 

If you want to stay, stay, but don't try to hold him to some sort of standard because you're setting yourself up for failure. Just go ahead and accept that he's this person and will most likely have a girlfriend and a wife. It's just part of who he is.

 

You're never going to be able to teach a cat to do algebra.

Edited August 28, 2015 by HereNorThere

[stillafool]

Oh... And you don't want to know EVERYTHING. You really don't.

 

I completely agree. If he's honest with you about the sex with her it will lower your self esteem and cause more anger. This OW is in love with him that's why she was so rude to you instead of apologizing for f---king your husband.

[Satu]

I'm going to state the obvious:

 

 

He really doesn't deserve you.

 

 

There now.

 

The obvious has been stated.

[Taylorjones]

Okay so based on what some of you are saying maybe I was a little harsh when he came on to me. Im sorry but I just think a man who is in very real danger of losing his wife should be worried about different things, not getting some. I know maybe I don't want all of the grisly details, but in reality I do. I'll probably never get the true details but I want to know everything, and to be honest if it sounds watered down or too tame then I'm not gonna believe it because he wasnt banging the neighbor for vanilla sex and missionary. We've been in contact and he did apologize for his actions the other night. I've mad up my mind that I'm never going back to THAT house. I mean to say I'm not leaving my mothers until he moves and then I'll move into the new house with him if I so choose to reconcile. I'm gonna make him do all the moving and hardwork.

 

Another thing, there is still a pretty good chance I'm going to reconcile, but I just have his feeling that he should be severely punished. Like i know revenge isn't the answer but it's not fair that I'm going through a living hell and he's just sitting back and telling me what I want to hear. How can I punish my husband? Like I love him, and like I said I'm were probably gonna stay together but before that I really wanna punish him and make him feel some emotional distress to. Problem is I have no idea how or what to do?

 

Like I said I know I shouldn't be worrying about punishing him but I feel he deserves some emotional pain to. If your interested in giving me some ideas leave them below. Btw I would never do anything to actually physically hurt him and I would never cheat on him.

 

Some of you may notice a difference in my personality on here and that's because I am just so fed up. This thing hit me like a ton of bricks this morning and I'm seething mad. It's like I love him and I want to get back together but I need to do something to get back at him.

 

Keep you posted.

[MrBojangles]

Punishment?

 

Yes, make him do ALL of the heavy lifting to repair the damage he's caused your marriage, for starters.

 

Demand that he do whatever it takes to get HIMSELF into counseling, before you even consider moving back in with him.

 

You can't and should not punish him forever, but he has to pay a price for HIS infidelity.

[sandylee1]

If your WH is serious about wanting to reconcile, he needs to get a better understanding of what he's done and how that affects you. If he knew those things, he wouldn't ask for sex.

 

Tell him to join an online infidelity support group and post in the wayward forum of surviving.infidelity.com

 

Other unfaithful spouses (waywards) will advise and support him. He'll get educated on how to help you heal. He'll get some tough questions and have to face up to what he's done. Lots of other people there are in his situation of betraying their spouses. Right now, he doesn't get it. He's cheated for 7 months and thinks it's okay to ask for sex and have a bit of fun!

 

If the shoe was on the foot, how would he feel? He needs to gain some empathy, which is something cheaters serious lack.

 

If he's not prepared to do that, then he doesn't want this marriage enough and he's not remorseful , because he should do ANYTHING reasonable you ask at this point.

[understand50]

Okay so based on what some of you are saying maybe I was a little harsh when he came on to me. Im sorry but I just think a man who is in very real danger of losing his wife should be worried about different things, not getting some. I know maybe I don't want all of the grisly details, but in reality I do. I'll probably never get the true details but I want to know everything, and to be honest if it sounds watered down or too tame then I'm not gonna believe it because he wasnt banging the neighbor for vanilla sex and missionary. We've been in contact and he did apologize for his actions the other night. I've mad up my mind that I'm never going back to THAT house. I mean to say I'm not leaving my mothers until he moves and then I'll move into the new house with him if I so choose to reconcile. I'm gonna make him do all the moving and hardwork.

 

Another thing, there is still a pretty good chance I'm going to reconcile, but I just have his feeling that he should be severely punished. Like i know revenge isn't the answer but it's not fair that I'm going through a living hell and he's just sitting back and telling me what I want to hear. How can I punish my husband? Like I love him, and like I said I'm were probably gonna stay together but before that I really wanna punish him and make him feel some emotional distress to. Problem is I have no idea how or what to do?

 

Like I said I know I shouldn't be worrying about punishing him but I feel he deserves some emotional pain to. If your interested in giving me some ideas leave them below. Btw I would never do anything to actually physically hurt him and I would never cheat on him.

 

Some of you may notice a difference in my personality on here and that's because I am just so fed up. This thing hit me like a ton of bricks this morning and I'm seething mad. It's like I love him and I want to get back together but I need to do something to get back at him.

 

Keep you posted.

 

Taylorjones,

 

Understand the feels, but resist the urge, you cheating will not make anything better, and give him an out. I am sure you know this, but stated it anyway.

 

Have you read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know?

 

This will give you a good idea on what he should be doing. Make him read it and discuss it. That way you will be on the same page. You need to remember that pop culture, does not think what he did was really bad, or that you should be mad. My question is, "does he know what he should be doing"? I know the adage, that he should figure it out himself, but sometime a helping shove does not hurt.

 

As you look to try and reconcile, do not be afraid to tell him what you need. Remember the old Simpson's episode, where opoo cheated and his wife laid out the things he need to so to get her back? That is not a bad idea. Let him know what you expect and hold him to it.

 

I wish you luck.