Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[CarrieT]

What salparadise said.

 

Don't feel like you have to make an immediate decision. Time is on your side on this one.

 

Go to your Mum's or somewhere else away from him for a while. Breathe, rest, take care of yourself, and just wait.

 

Wait until you can think clearly about what you really want for your future and if you see him being the partner on your life's journey. Not who you WANT him to be, but who he is now.

[understand50]

What salparadise said.

 

Don't feel like you have to make an immediate decision. Time is on your side on this one.

 

Go to your Mum's or somewhere else away from him for a while. Breathe, rest, take care of yourself, and just wait.

 

Wait until you can think clearly about what you really want for your future and if you see him being the partner on your life's journey. Not who you WANT him to be, but who he is now.

 

What CarrieT said.

 

Take your time and approach this with a clear mind. Make sure you know what YOU want.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[Grapesofwrath]

Your husband's infidelity is exceptionally cruel and sadistic. It's more than simply sleeping with another woman. I can't imagine how you are getting through each day. If she won't leave the neighborhood, then I would urge you to consider doing so to avoid the constant triggers.

 

It's much too soon to make any decisions about your future. You are in shock and reeling from this betrayal. I think it would help to talk to a counselor who can be objective and supportive. It might also be useful to get a consultation from an attorney so you know your legal rights in this situation.

 

Your husband is showing you the kind of man he is. Pay attention. Believe him the first time. You do not yet have children. Divorce, while difficult, is orders of magnitude easier without children in the mix.

[oldshirt]

This was a long term, well entrenched affair. You are being naïve if you think throwing a few glasses, a tongue-lashing and a few counseling sessions will solve this.

 

 

By agreeing to stay married without repurcussions so quickly, you are basically giving him permission to walk all over you and screw whoever he wants.

 

 

Your husband is basically low-budget trailer trash and has brazenly flaunted his escapades in your face for the better part of a year and it hasn't cost him a thing.

 

 

You may not "want" to leave him, but it is the only way to show him that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. The only way you can show something is not acceptable is to not accept it......and currently you are accepting it. Stop that.

 

 

Pack up and move in with your family. Since he sounds like trailer trash, let your daddy and your brothers and some of their friends get together and kick his ass.

 

 

Then see an attorney and file for legal separation and have him start paying for your rent and living arrangments and such while he sits at home.

 

 

Then if you both want to remain together he is going to have to work to earn his way back into the marriage under the guidance of a professional marital counselor.

 

 

Make no mistake, this is going to take YEARS to rectify, and that is assuming he actually is remorseful and is sincere about wanting to have a healthy, faithful marriage. I personally don't think he is but I am just giving the benefit of the doubt here that even if he is sincere, this is going to take years to work through.

[Satu]

 

I was definitely gonna stay with my husband and I thought after some counseling, we could get back on track. Then my husband sits me down and tells me that he lied at first and the affair lasted for 7 months instead of 2. *He said that he finally confessed because she wanted him to leave me and he refused to do so so he decided to break it off with her. I got totally enraged, I got up, threw a bunch of glasses at him and locked myself in the bathroom.

 

 

I suspect that she threatened to tell you about the affair, and that he rushed to tell you before she did, for the sake of damage limitation.

 

Think about what that means:

 

He didn't stop it with her because he wanted to.

 

He stopped it because the cat was about to exit the bag...

[troubadour]

Btw my mother said I should leave him and never look back but I really really don't want to do that.

 

 

OP, I'm sorry but your mother is absolutely right.

 

You have to be realistic about your situation. Basically, you are married to unremorseful cheater and if you decide to stay with him sooner or later you will have to face similiar situation(s) again. It is simply better to divorce him now and find someone else.

[Furious]

Hello again, yesterday I posted on here about my husband's affair with our neighbor.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/543306-husband-neighbor-had-affair

 

Anyways I followed the advice given my the wonderful people on here (bless you) I tried to talk to the slut neighbor, but she slammed the door on my face. anyways I talked to my mother as suggested and she's trying to help me but some new worries came up I need some advice on. I was feeling as good as a wife in my position can yesterday after receiving the wonderful feedback on this site last night.

 

I was definitely gonna stay with my husband and I thought after some counseling, we could get back on track. Then my husband sits me down and tells me that he lied at first and the affair lasted for 7 months instead of 2. He said that he finally confessed because she wanted him to leave me and he refused to do so so he decided to break it off with her. I got totally enraged, I got up, threw a bunch of glasses at him and locked myself in the bathroom.

 

He stood outside the door and apologized but I'm just totally at a loss here. I suspected that it was going on for longer than 2 months but I just didn't want to actually believe it, but what bothers me even worse is his reason for ending their affair. Basically he only ended it and told me because she wanted to take it further and he only wanted to bang her. So if she just went on having sex with him I would have never found out, and he would have been cheating all along. I am so distraught I am physically ill because of this.

 

I cried so much last night I threw up 2 times. I guess I still love my husband but how could he treat me like this HOW????? What do you guys make of this and what should I do?

 

Please, please advise me on this. Btw my mother said I should leave him and never look back but I really really don't want to do that.

 

 

I agree with your mom.

 

Your husband has shown you who he is, believe it.

 

Your value is not determined by someone who has placed no value on you.

 

You're only 32, no kids, and you have the chance to make a clean break.

 

His cheating is not about you, it's about his character and the disrespect he has shown you.

 

You are worth more than this.

[HereNorThere]

Yo momma right, girl.

 

He knew that you had self-esteem problems and most likely will take him back.

 

Well, now is the time do your Kanye West.

 

Sure, he's got haters. Sure, he doesn't always say the right thing, but at the end of the day, he's not afraid to stand up for himself or his beliefs. He may be shaking, it may come out all all wrong, but he looked directly into that camera and said "George Bush doesn't care about black people." He walked right up on stage and snatched that award speech from Taylor Swift.

 

You need to find that person in you. The person who, even though scared, unsure, whatever, believes that what's in their heart is right and true. Someone who is willing to do the right thing even if it means losing everything.

 

Find your inner Kanye. Go out there and be great despite anyone else thinks. You deserve better and you know it.

[Satu]

Someone who can lie, deceive, and pretend for seven months, is capable of pretty much anything.

 

Invest no trust in him.

 

He doesn't love you.

 

I know that this is the last thing you want to hear, but its true, and I think you know it deep inside.

 

Seven months of lying and cheating proves that beyond any doubt.

 

Listen to your mother.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Satu

[Grapesofwrath]

Why did he "sit you down" and confess the true length of the affair? It sounds to me that he is still in damage-control mode. He may be telling you things only as a last resort because you are about to find out anyway, and he wants to control the message.

 

I would also question what other acts of infidelity he has committed during your relationship. His callous and cavalier attitude raises doubts.

[Taylorjones]

I know.....I thought about that too

[CarrieT]

Taylorjones, first and foremost you need to be tested for STDs.

 

There is no question that a man who cheats for (at least) seven months did so without protection...

[Taylorjones]

@Satu

 

I know this....at least that is how it seems. But I love HIM so much....what did I do wrong? Why can't he love me????? You don't understand, I thought I found my other half when I married him....I just really wanna try to save this marriage even though he might not feel the same way......

[Taylorjones]

I am getting tested and you better bet your a$$ he is too. He claims he used protection but I can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth anymore...

[m.snow]

why'd you take his cheating ass back?

you deserve better! no kids, its time for a clean break

if not go ic or mc.

never rug sweep!

 

get some cameras in the house!

im sure while you where away they did in the house.

damn if they did on the marital bed!

[CarrieT]

But I love HIM so much....

You love a man who exists in your head - a fantasy husband...

 

what did I do wrong?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was not your fault!

 

Why can't he love me?????

He might - in his way. But he also has a rotten streak that made him forget about you and think with this penis.

 

You don't understand, I thought I found my other half when I married him

We all feel that way when we get married.

 

I just really wanna try to save this marriage even though he might not feel the same way......

Here is the big question: Are you prepared to try and save a marriage with someone who will treat you so poorly? And will very probably cheat on you again?

[JS84]

Not saying you have to divorce him, but if you're already dead set on not leaving him, especially after he had the balls to cheat on you with the next door neighbor while you were at home for a 7 month stretch, then I'm not sure what advice I can give you.

 

Personally I think the best thing to do in these situations is file for divorce immediately. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it does show the cheating spouse how serious their actions are. Throwing a screaming fit and setting a few boundaries that are easily breakable is not going to do it.

 

If he got away with screwing your neighbor for 7 months without you knowing, I'm pretty sure he could get away with doing it again under some other circumstances without your knowledge.

 

You really do need to consider divorce as an option though. You're trying to forgive him WWAAAYY too early in the process from what you're saying (I'm assuming all of this has come to light recently).

 

The only message you're sending him is "Well I can cheat on my wife with my next door neighbor for months, get caught, and all I get are some tears and a loose set of rules I can easily break??? Wonder if I can get away with it again or maybe with someone else."

 

I know it's hard but you really need to approach this from a position of strength. Not fear of losing your husband, fear of people finding out, fear of what this means about you (and I'm sure what he did has nothing to do with you he's probably just a scumbag)., etc. Fear, while understandable and appropriate, is not going to help if you let it overwhelm you.

[Artie Lang]

it seems like you want to take him back at any cost. you're acting as if though you did something wrong and you need to make changes to keep him- BIG MISTAKE!

 

i'm sorry, but if you don't consider following through with some of the things(consequences) that are being suggested, you're opening yourself up for a world of hurt.

[S2B]

I am getting tested and you better bet your a$$ he is too. He claims he used protection but I can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth anymore...

 

That's because you don't know who he really is. He's capable of lying to you and cheating on you right in front of your face.

 

You don't know the real him.

 

The man you used to know is an illusion. The marriage has been an illusion.

 

You need to figure out what is real.

 

When you knew the real him, you may not respect or like him.

 

Is it possible he told you because she may be pregnant? You need to talk to her, whether she wants to or not!

[Taylorjones]

I am following through with consequences, a lot of them. And I know it wasn't my fault I know that. I'm just so confused,ashamed and embarrassed. I was made out to be a fool in this ordeal and I will never forget that. I'm not going to take my husband back at any cost I just wanna try to make it work as long as nothing else comes out of the woodwork. I don't think I'm sending him the message that he can get away with it again, I think I'm showing him that he made a mistake and although I am hurt beyond words I love him enough to work through it and I do think he loves me. As of now he's sleeping on the futon and I'm in the bed. He's being very cooperative now, answering my questions, apologizing every chance he gets and such. He could just be telling me what I want to hear but something tells me he realizes what he did was horrible and I think/hope we can make it through this together and stay together. Thank you all for your kind words, people on here are so nice and knowledgable. I will keep everyone posted down to my final decision of what I end up doing staying or not. :/

[JS84]

Good luck. But believe actions, not words. Cheaters can give Oscar winning performances when it comes to lying. Especially after D-Day with a lot of trickle truth, lies, and omissions as well.

[sandylee1]

 

Has it really just been 2 months? As cheaters tend to lie about this.

Before you reconcile, you need to know the extent of what you're dealing with.

 

 

Why did he confess? Was she pressing him to leave you or tell you about the A? Did she force his hand?

 

 

.

 

OP

 

I thought this was the case. Cheaters standardly lie about the duration of the affair.

 

Again, he only told you because he had to before she did.

 

Don't bother knocking on her door anymore. She's a shameless tramp. Deal with your H. He's the one who you should have expected not to this.

 

Now you know why her BF left.

 

I agree with your mother on this one for all the reasons previously stated. Married 2 years and cheating 7 months.......

 

Again. If it you who cheated, how could he accept you back.

 

Put your love for him aside for now .......how can he truly love YOU and be cheating for that long in a new marriage?

 

As you said if she was the quiet OW it would have carried on. You know that some women settle quite okay with being the OW. Some have been the OW for decades and next time he might get lucky and find one that fits the bill.

 

Then some are very sneaky and will deliberately get pregnant to get him to leave you.

 

He's risked your health with unprotected sex, because I've yet to hear of an affair that long where they used condoms.

 

Do you want to feel paranoid for the rest of your marriage with him.

Remember.....it stopped because she wanted more from him, not because he felt bad, not because he felt guilt or anything similar.....just that she wanted more and she could have told you before he did.

 

When a single woman starts asking your husband for favours like this, be very suspicious. Those are the women with no boundaries and perfect affair candidates.

 

Was your sex life okay?

Did he ever raise any issues?

 

Some marriages are more suitable for reconciling........based on the facts this isn't one of them IMO.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Hes really taking you for a mug isnt he. He lied to you about his affair, he lied to you about what he was doing over her house, it caused a huge argument between you where he ran to her, where it seems she demand he leaves you and shack up with her. He says he wont leave you, she says she is gonna tell, he tries to persuade her to stay quiet, but he soon realises she isnt going to stay quiet and runs back to you giving you some more lies. All he is doing is covering his own backside. It lasted for 7 months where he told you only 2, can you believe anything that comes out his mouth now? The affair only stopped because she asked him to leave or she was going to tell, no other reason. He sure wasnt feeling guilty then, no remorse or respect for you from either of them, even now she slams the door in your face. He can act all upset now, the situation got real, now his little fantasy is ruined, hes clinging to you, he wont tell you the truth. You really need to let him know that you will leave him, no threats, do it. Then see what happens. He can appologise all he wants, its what he thinks you want to hear. He knows you love him and you have taken him back with hardly any consequences, so he is doing what you ask....he knows you will let it slide. He will prob start telling you to get over it in a few weeks time. He has you wrapped around his finger. Shock him, stand up for yourself.

[road]

Again there must be NC with the OW. You must move far away.

[elaine567]

Again there must be NC with the OW. You must move far away.

 

OK, but this is a guy who was quite happy to "sleep with" his next door neighbour for 7 months, maybe even in earshot of his new wife, having concocted a totally made up story about "helping with the hard".

He had no shame.

 

The OP can move to Brunei, Belgium, Borneo or Brooklyn, but the OW is not her main problem here, her husband is.