Need a little clarity of mind and/or a kick in the???

[jumpin_jack]

First post. My wife of 20+ years and I have been having a really rough time. The last two years it has gone downhill extremely to the point now where we hardly talk at all.

 

A little background. We have been married a little over 20 years and have two great kids, 18, and 16. We dated for a little over 2 years before we got married. Dating was a blissful time. In two years, not one mean remark, no fights, what I thought, she thought too..... I thought we were a match in heaven.....Then we got married.

 

Literally within 2 hours of vows, I was getting my azz handed to me the first while dancing the first dance at our wedding. Not even sure what it was about anymore, but something about the DJ. I was ...confused. Anyway, as time has progressed, our marriage has always been really rocky. I am not the best communicator for sure, and certainly could use a lot of help in that department, but no matter the discussion, it always ended the same way. We me suffering the consequences regardless. Obviously, this doesn't help the communication issue. For the longest time, I would get the cold shoulder, you disgust me looks, and I would eventually cave/ or somehow we would work it out. Usually, I was saved by someone else screwing up and saving my butt. If the focus had turned to somebody else, all I had to do was be supportive by offering solutions. These "punishments" started out as a day or two. Overtime, they progressed to weeks at a time. Everything that happens that is considered a problem to her, I have to relive. For example...when my wife found out she was pregnant, she showed up at my work one day. There were others around as I walked up there, I am expecting to get my butt chewed about something and was putting up walls to defend it..but instead she shows me this "thing" which didn't register at first and smiles. I didn't get it...and then..Oh! Great! I told her that I would be home after while. Anyway, I am not sure how I should have reacted, but obviously it wasn't right, since I have to hear about I never wanted kids because I wasn't "happy". I have explained it over and over, but nonetheless, I am self centered and never wanted kids.

 

As the years passed things got rougher. Basically, the take no prisoners attitude ensued. If something wasn't being done right, I had to hear about it, and something needed to be done. Teachers, coaches, schools, neighbors, friends, our business dealings etc. Little by little, everything got addressed. The kids friends weren't good enough, new friends. Elementary teachers not good enough, visit with the administration. Education still not good enough,....new school. Coaches not doing their job..coach them your self. The list goes on and on. The pile of carnage left behind is well.....embarrassing. All along I offer solutions to the problem. If the solution was accepted, and it later didn't work out right, well then it was all my fault. Don't get me wrong, I have done my fair share of damage....just nobody is responsible for everything being wrong. Anyway, we were managing, then....her focus turned to my family, and things took a radical turn for the worse.

 

First it was the simple brow beatings,..."they came right at noon for lunch, and not early"..."they stayed too long". "Can't believe we had soup for Christmas dinner", "They always give me clothes I hate", "Your family has no taste". "They are rude"...etc. These things are simple brow beatings that always carried with them days of cold shoulder, non affection. Anyway, these simple brow beatings turned to her not answering the phone when they called, and being "too busy" when they would stop by to see the kids. Then the kids became "too busy". Then this animosity turned to where my wife wouldn't tell me about something, so I couldn't share it with my family ....a concert where my kids might be singing, or a softball game where they would be playing, or an award ceremony at the school. Anything that she thought I might tell them about, or basically that they might take part in - became unknown to me. To me, these things were just normal things that grandparents should attend if they can or want. I guess she wasn't happy with that, so then it moved to social media. My family was "mysteriously" blocked by Facebook and other social media. If their picture was in the newspaper, I wouldn't be told......and it continued to where I have been demanded to never see or talk to my parents again....ever. This follows in the footsteps of her mother who banned her kids (my wife and her siblings) from seeing her husbands family ever. This then happened again with one of her older siblings where things went south and they got excommunicated from the my wife's family. We discussed this tendency in the family early in our marriage she agreed that that behavior needed to end with us....But it has been passed along it seems. On top of that, she has no communication with her family anymore because of the brow beatings she was taking early in our marriage from her mother. And while the brow beatings by her mother were unnecessary, and needed to addressed, to lock them out of their grand kids forever was a bit extreme. Admittedly though, she was happier without them in her life, so being the spouse looking for the path of least resistance, I am not going to rock the boat if I can help it. Anyway over the last 5 years or so, I have been suggesting that she might consider trying to patch things up with her parents. People don't live forever, and at some point - it's just too late to make amends.

 

Anyway my family has never been a close family, but they are family. And under certain circumstances, I could accept the excommunication terms being forced on me, but in this case, I cannot. While far from perfect, they have not done anything that any other grandparent/relative wouldn't do. Take them for ice cream when they were younger, or shopping for clothes etc...And Yes, the go to town, sit with the others their age and brag about their grand kids. If they happen to have their picture in the local paper, it goes along with for "show and tell". Pretty harmless if you ask me, but to my wife, this is "stalking"???? Overtime, the tells were obvious enough that the visits by my parents to see their grand kids have stopped. Birthdays aren't celebrated, and I don't even want to think about the holidays this year. And I am stuck in the middle......

 

So...here I am today... We are basically separated for a year at this point. She refuses to go to counseling, and I see no way that we can make it without a real frank discussion and a referee. We hardly ever talk and if we do, within minutes it goes south with the "mommy" attacks. Clearly the kids think I am the problem, that I am separating the family because I hardly come around. Yet, I hardly come around because of two fold....one, I just can't handle the mean, hateful, relentless attacks, and two, they seem happier when I am not around. Obviously, I don't know that for sure but I have come to that conclusion because when I show up, and it's cold shoulders every where you turn.

 

I had figured I would just gut this out for a couple more years til my youngest turns 18, and graduates high school and heads off to college - Then get the divorce finalized which at that point would be a complete formality. I figured that this would be the easiest on the kids. Sure there's some money and property involved, and that would need to be split. That will be what it will be. But the more time I spent with my kids, the more I wonder if that's the right thing to do. Obviously, I am the problem in their eyes. On top of that, I am literally being driven insane by the isolation. My job keeps me secluded for the most part,....I might go all week and talk to virtually nobody. This goes on week after week, month after month. When there was family around, interaction with others wasn't real necessary, but that has changed. And while at times over the last years I cherished a few quiet moments to collect my thoughts, now, I struggle with the lack of interaction with people. I also am pretty sure that on some level, I am going through a state of depression. I take full responsibility for where I am today, so don't take it as it's my wife's fault. In some ways I facilitated this mess, and I could have stepped in earlier and put my foot down so that it didn't get this messy.... If I thought this would be the end of the carnage and she would be happy the rest of our lives, I could live without my family without much trouble...but past history tells me, the next battle is just around the corner.

 

So, what to do???? Kick the family to the curb? Time to get an attorney ? Suck it up for a few years?

 

Kind of hoping somebody has something to offer that makes a direction clear....TIA!

[Marc878]

Try being a man. What do you have to lose? Pick your battles and put her in her place for a change. You don't have to augue just state the facts. If she doesn't like it tell her to file. You are right your life is what you made it.

[loveboid]

Sometimes mean people back down very easily when someone stands up to them. I'm sure you've tried already. Keep doing research on how to do it. It's time to start rocking the boat. I would prepare for it being a lost cause though.

 

I would reconnect with your parents and kids, alone without her. She seems to be a bad influence.

 

Consult a lawyer now because length of marriage determines alimony duration. In the state of Florida for instance, in a marriage of 16 years 11 months and 29 days alimony could eventually end but in a marriage of 17 years alimony could be for life.

 

Edit: I just reread that you're married for 20+ years. If you divorce I would try to go for a settlement to avoid court and extra lawyer fees.

Edited August 16, 2015 by loveboid

[jumpin_jack]

Try being a man. What do you have to lose? Pick your battles and put her in her place for a change. You don't have to augue just state the facts. If she doesn't like it tell her to file. You are right your life is what you made it.

 

Marc878. I did exactly that. I drew the line about 9 months ago. It was a very clear line. A few weeks later she crossed it and I had had enough. I informed her of her mistake and it was over.

 

For the first time in 20 years, she backed off, and apologized. She said it wouldn't happen again. I thought I had made some headway since it was the first time ever that had occurred. A week later, it became obvious that the two steps back were just being used to gain momentum and make another run at it. She went through the previous line and kept on going. You are right though. I should have been a man and ended it. If there weren't kids involved it would have been that way.

 

 

I would reconnect with your parents and kids.

 

loveboid....The parents are the easy part....the kids are a direct line to mom. Anything I talk to them about seems to end up getting bent in some way and sent my way like a boomerang.

 

Thanks!

[loveboid]

 

 

 

loveboid....The parents are the easy part....the kids are a direct line to mom. Anything I talk to them about seems to end up getting bent in some way and sent my way like a boomerang.

 

Thanks!

 

Keep talking to them. They will see things in their own heads eventually. Especially when you spend time alone with them. What their mom says about you and what their own observations are of you will be too different for them and they will come to their own conclusions hopefully. Especially if you don't badmouth their mom to them.

[Mr. Lucky]

So...here I am today... We are basically separated for a year at this point. She refuses to go to counseling, and I see no way that we can make it without a real frank discussion and a referee. We hardly ever talk and if we do, within minutes it goes south with the "mommy" attacks. Clearly the kids think I am the problem, that I am separating the family because I hardly come around. Yet, I hardly come around because of two fold....one, I just can't handle the mean, hateful, relentless attacks, and two, they seem happier when I am not around. Obviously, I don't know that for sure but I have come to that conclusion because when I show up, and it's cold shoulders every where you turn.

 

If you're separated, don't you have your own place? And if so, why not a normal custody arrangement where you have the kids for your time at your place?

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

I drew the line about 9 months ago. It was a very clear line. A few weeks later she crossed it

It can't have been a very clear line if she crossed it and you're still married.

[jumpin_jack]

It can't have been a very clear line if she crossed it and you're still married.

Yeah...I kind of created it myself didn't I. I was basking in the glory of for once having a perceived victory that I didn't see what was coming at me til I got run over. Not an excuse, ...just reality.

 

Anytime I have been in the wrong, eventually I realize that gosh, "I screwed up". It might take me a while, but eventually, I get it. I keep thinking that this will happen and eventually she will be enlightened...

 

Time to man up and grow a pair.

[notbroken]

I 'stayed together for the kids'. It was the biggest mistake of my life - for both me and the kids. You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying together. It just demonstrates a dysfunctional relationship and they don't get to see how relationships should really work. Divorce. ASAP. Everyone will be better off. Never badmouth their Mom. Take the high road. It will be hard but over time your kids will realize your aren't the bad guy their Mom portrays. Tell them you won't ever say anything bad about their mom but you aren't teh bad guy and then demonstrate that. Good luck.