Inlaw Issues

[InnerStrength]

Okay, first let me say hi to everyone and thank you to those who share their wisdom here.

 

I've recently found myself in a very difficult situation. About three and a half years ago, my wife and I purchased her parents home and some property from them. I personally was not for the idea, but if we didn't step in and do what we did they would be on the verge of foreclosure and being homeless. Now we did not live in the same state as the home we bought and her parents made it out to be a win win for us all. They could stay in the home and they would take care of it for us so that if we ever decided to move up there the house would be move in ready. Now the only stipulation i had about all of this was that if we bought this house it was ours. Basically they needed to respect the fact that we were the owners and they had to run things (big things) by us before they did it. This may seem like an odd thing to say, but there was some history there, if you catch my drift. About six months in we get a phone call from her mom stating that her father had tore down one of the barns on our property. Of course i was upset, because i was not asked about it first. We were told that he was going to build a new one and in the future they would call before hand. Okay, fine, about year and a half in he decides he is going to move his mother in on our property. He had intentions of moving a trailer home next door to our house for her. I said no, as she already had a home that was bought and paid for and our well couldn't really handle two homes drawing from it. They were upset and we didn't hear from them for awhile. About a year later, my wife and i decided to adopt (whole different story here) and came to the realization that if it was going to work we would have to lose one of our houses as we could no longer afford two. So with much apprehension we decded to move into the home we owned. Her parents were excited about the idea and couldnt wait for us to get up there.

 

Fast forward... we arrive at our home and the first thing i see is this gaint trailer house on our property. You remember, the one i said no to? This was the beginning of everything. Day one, i ask her dad why he put the trailer there after i told him no. His response was something to the tune of " thats my mom and i wanted her closer to me. If you can't understand that, there is something wrong with you" my wife begged me to let it go and to think of the bigger picture. I begrudgingly agreed and let it go. Since this time, things have progressively gotten worse and worse. He hordes all of the free space around the home. Every garage, barn and out building is filled with his crap that he refuses to move. Our stuff is cramed into tiny spaces where ever we can fit it. Whenever i suggest clean out a spot for our stuff he becomes agressive and hostile. Now please understand, me and this man have had our rounds. I refuse to allow him to treat me, the way he treats his wife and daughters. But to be honest im tired of fighting all of the time, he is actually beginning to wear me down. I thought that things would be better if they had their own place. So he goes out and buys another trailer house and sticks it up on our already over loaded well. I figure as long as they're out of our home maybe we can begin to live our own lives. No such luck...he still continues to walk around my place doing whatever he wants. Basically, anything he knows will get on my nerves. Finally the other day it all came to a head. I told him that if he wasn't willing to understand that this wasn't his property to do what he pleased on, he would have to find somewhere else to live. This guy just starts laughing and says he's not going anywhere and walked off. I wanted to rip his head off. My wife has been balling for the past two days over it. She knows that if we obtain a court order he will retaliate by destroying our property or something of the like. Her mom and sister are staying out of it because they are terrified of him. Like i said me and him have fought in the past, HE LOSES EVERY TIME yet this guy is too stupid to back off. I feel like he is trying to bait me into fighting him again. but honestly, i don't see what its going to accomplish, its only ever made things worse in the past. So here i sit, not knowing what to do. He has to go, but i can't be at home 24/7 to make sure he doesn't do anything to my house or property. Its going to tear her family apart when we boot them, because they will force everyone to take sides. I just cannot believe how selfish and manipulative he can be. Knowing what we gave up to try and adopt.

 

Sorry this is so long winded, i just want to get the whole story out. Any advice on this would be GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thank you in advance.

[anika99]

Sounds like a nightmare and I don't really have any good advice. I think your first mistake was made when you bought the property and allowed these people to live there. By the tone of your post it seems like you already knew what your father in law was like at that time and so you probably should have known that this was going to end bad.

 

 

Is your wife also afraid of standing up to him? She needs to be fully on your side but if she lover her parents I can see why she is struggling. I think you are just going to have to see this through to the bitter end. Have him evicted and then if he messes with your property call the police on him. It will be ugly and it will create bad blood between you and your in-laws but you either have to fully stand up to him or completely back down and just put up with it. Tough choice to make.

[Qboro90]

Damn that's awful, I know how in law problems can be as I grew up in a household where each one of my parents ended up hating the other ones. The big mistake was buying the property but that's over and done with so no point harping on it now. The way I see it you can do a few things.

 

1. Talk to your wife and fill ber in that you do not and literally cannot live in a house where there is this much animosity and difficulty to live and build a family. For your future child's sake there are things that need to be done on the property or in the house that you and her agree are essential to how you want to live as a family.

 

2. You can either approach her father or have her approached him (he seems like the kind of guy who would fault you for sending your wife to handle your business tho so you're better off doing it). Approach him and clear the air to make one last effort to be amicable and have this living situation work. Start with a "Mr.____, do you have a few minutes, I'd like to talk to you about something's that (your wife) and I are talking about regarding once the baby is here. (If he's snarky about it keep your cool) I'm really not looking to argue here, I'd just really appreciate if we could have a discussion without any hostility involved. With a child potentially arriving here in the near future I want it to grow up in a house where he/she doesn't hear yelling all the time from dad and grandpa, wouldn't you agree?

 

3. You have to talk to him and start off by asking him things that are obvious he would agree with. "When you and your wife spoke to my wife about the situation surrounding this property and the possibility of losing the house did we not do everything possible to ensure that you wouldn't have to go through that?"

However you word it just get him to acknowledge that they came to you about buying the house or that if you hadn't bought the house they would've had to foreclose, bad debt, etc.

 

"Go over that this wasn't an easy financial decision on your and your wife's part either but because they love you and her mom they wanted to help. There is obviously a clash about what can and can't be done on the property between the two of you.

 

4. If after getting through that and asking him to please for your daughter and new child's sake try to work together and make this an easier situation and that you're willing to make the effort if he is... If he doesn't take that well or gives you a bull**** yea sure act then you can flip it and ....

 

5. Talk to your wife beforehand and tell her that for your own sanity, Childs best interest, and future of your marriage you need to have the brains to start looking into other properties to live. That will include putting the house you're all living in up for sale. I hope that she would see it from your perspective and agree that things can't go on like this. That you've done all you could to make it work but it's just not working and won't get better. I hope she's not so scared of her dad that she can't agree with you. That being said she and you need to take the first steps of putting the house up for sale and looking at another place to live.

 

6. The point of this is to put your father in laws feet to the fire. Once he sees that you'll just scrap the whole thing and sell the house and not give a crap about where he goes next. That might be what's needed to scare him into submission. If not then you have to make the move.

 

7. And perhaps most important. Install video surveillance on your property. This will defer him from doing and property damage. And if he does then you have the evidence to bring to the police. It would suck if you were forced to do that but if he's gonna damage the property then you have to damage him. Do NOT get into a physical altercation with him. Having evidence of his actions is the only thing that will make your word mean more than his in a court of law. If you hit, push, or harm him in any way you're screwed and the house is up for grabs.

 

You can either install the cameras and let him know about it. Or do it secretly so he's unaware. If he does know about it, ensure that the videos are recorded outside of your home at a 3rd party so he can't destroy those as well.

[InnerStrength]

you either have to fully stand up to him or completely back down and just put up with it. Tough choice to make.

 

that is where the problem truly lies. My wifes sister and her husband gave up years ago. Honestly when he is around them, they look more like scolded children then grown adults. It's down right pathetic and hard to watch. That is what im afraid of. Would it be easier to say whatever, do what you want, just leave us alone, probably. But i feel like i would be giving up, defeated. That is exactly what everyone else always does with him, when he starts acting like a spoiled child and throws a tantrum. My fear would also be, once he saw he had beaten me, he would push the boundries further then ever. I guess i know what i have to do, I just wish everything didn't have to be world war 3 around with her family.

[bubbaganoosh]

I only hope that your wife understands that now she's a married woman and a soon to be mom that her family (you and the new baby) is more important then her dad and his issues.

 

Outside of the father in law, do you get along with your wife's mother and the rest of the family? It's a shame that they have to be caught in the middle by a bully.

[InnerStrength]

Outside of the father in law, do you get along with your wife's mother and the rest of the family? It's a shame that they have to be caught in the middle by a bully.

 

Quite well actually. Well, to be honest the mother inlaw can be difficult at times. I think that has more to do with him though. But the rest of them are good people. It gets frustrating though, because they all have their horror stories about him, but none of them are willing to stand up to him. I do not try to force them to though.

[InnerStrength]

Damn that's awful, I know how in law problems can be as I grew up in a household where each one of my parents ended up hating the other ones. The big mistake was buying the property but that's over and done with so no point harping on it now. The way I see it you can do a few things.

 

1. Talk to your wife and fill ber in that you do not and literally cannot live in a house where there is this much animosity and difficulty to live and build a family. For your future child's sake there are things that need to be done on the property or in the house that you and her agree are essential to how you want to live as a family.

 

2. You can either approach her father or have her approached him (he seems like the kind of guy who would fault you for sending your wife to handle your business tho so you're better off doing it). Approach him and clear the air to make one last effort to be amicable and have this living situation work. Start with a "Mr.____, do you have a few minutes, I'd like to talk to you about something's that (your wife) and I are talking about regarding once the baby is here. (If he's snarky about it keep your cool) I'm really not looking to argue here, I'd just really appreciate if we could have a discussion without any hostility involved. With a child potentially arriving here in the near future I want it to grow up in a house where he/she doesn't hear yelling all the time from dad and grandpa, wouldn't you agree?

 

3. You have to talk to him and start off by asking him things that are obvious he would agree with. "When you and your wife spoke to my wife about the situation surrounding this property and the possibility of losing the house did we not do everything possible to ensure that you wouldn't have to go through that?"

However you word it just get him to acknowledge that they came to you about buying the house or that if you hadn't bought the house they would've had to foreclose, bad debt, etc.

 

"Go over that this wasn't an easy financial decision on your and your wife's part either but because they love you and her mom they wanted to help. There is obviously a clash about what can and can't be done on the property between the two of you.

 

4. If after getting through that and asking him to please for your daughter and new child's sake try to work together and make this an easier situation and that you're willing to make the effort if he is... If he doesn't take that well or gives you a bull**** yea sure act then you can flip it and ....

 

5. Talk to your wife beforehand and tell her that for your own sanity, Childs best interest, and future of your marriage you need to have the brains to start looking into other properties to live. That will include putting the house you're all living in up for sale. I hope that she would see it from your perspective and agree that things can't go on like this. That you've done all you could to make it work but it's just not working and won't get better. I hope she's not so scared of her dad that she can't agree with you. That being said she and you need to take the first steps of putting the house up for sale and looking at another place to live.

 

6. The point of this is to put your father in laws feet to the fire. Once he sees that you'll just scrap the whole thing and sell the house and not give a crap about where he goes next. That might be what's needed to scare him into submission. If not then you have to make the move.

 

7. And perhaps most important. Install video surveillance on your property. This will defer him from doing and property damage. And if he does then you have the evidence to bring to the police. It would suck if you were forced to do that but if he's gonna damage the property then you have to damage him. Do NOT get into a physical altercation with him. Having evidence of his actions is the only thing that will make your word mean more than his in a court of law. If you hit, push, or harm him in any way you're screwed and the house is up for grabs.

 

You can either install the cameras and let him know about it. Or do it secretly so he's unaware. If he does know about it, ensure that the videos are recorded outside of your home at a 3rd party so he can't destroy those as well.

 

First let me say thank you for your detailed post, there is a lot of great advice in it. Unfortunately any form of rational civilized discussion falls on deaf ears with him. He only wants to hear what he wants to hear. The nicer you are the meaner he gets. If you try to speak in a respectful tone, he begins to yell. You get the drift. This man will actually resort to name calling, no joke. Once i grew up and stopped all the foolish fighting and bickering, i began to surround myself with good level headed people. So being back around somone who acts like this has me more then irratated. I forgot how to deal with these kinds of people.

 

As far as my wife goes, she is onboard and supportive of my decision to evict them. It is difficult for her though, as being back has drudged up some bad feelings and emotions in her. So for the most part I've just sidelined her. No need to cause added stress in her life, you know?

 

Lastly, we have actually been considering putting the place up for sale. Given some of the negative experiences that she has had here. Not sure how they would react to that, I'm guessing not well. But still an option.

[Tayla]

Consult an attorney. Review your written agreement on them renting from you. You did get everything in writting ,yes?

Who buys land and a home sight unseen?? Any place I ever owned had a walk thru and settlement. Whos name is really on title here? Did you hire a proxy for this deal? Sorry for such inquiry, but I do see some complications based on squatters rights when you didnt take residency or create a legal agreement .

Sue for damage , get a restraining order. sell the place ... you don't need this drama...

I'm shocked that they imposed and started creating rules... the saying, the patients are running the funny farm holds true...

[CC12]

Lastly, we have actually been considering putting the place up for sale.

 

You absolutely should. You're never going to have peace at that house even if you manage to evict the family. There will always be lingering feelings of animosity from them, or reminders of them, or even guilt associated with "throwing them out."

 

It just seems like things might go more smoothly if it was less "We're throwing you out because dad sucks" and more "We all need to move out in three months because we're selling this house in order to live closer to town/in a better school district/in a more baby-friendly house."

 

If you do go down that road, and since you're concerned he might retaliate, you might consider giving them a small percentage of the sale of the house as long as the property isn't damaged or altered before they leave. I'm thinking that some sort of monetary gift can help smooth things over while also giving them some help in starting over in another home. It sucks to shell out even more money for their benefit, but it might be worth it.

 

A lawyer can help you get it all worked out. You might be able to sell the house while they're still living in it, if they are "renters" on a lease. Even if you're not ready to proceed with anything, you should find out where you stand legally and what your options are.

 

Good luck. Sucks that your good deed backfired.