TX-SC Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) I honestly don't mean to be harsh here, but there is something that has bothered me for a while now. I have read on here about people cheating on their spouse but getting VERY upset if the spouse says he/she is going to go out and do the same thing. So, why does the WS get to have all of the fun and the BS gets only the heartache? I realize that in a reconciliation, it only adds another level of problems, but I'm trying to figure out why a WS would even have an issue with their husband/wife having an affair after they had theirs? Wouldn't it be only fair? I guess I'm trying to understand the mentality that a WS can say they are not getting what they want at home, so they are going to get it elsewhere, but then they get upset if their spouse does the same? My fiance cheated on me and I immediately broke up with her. But, had I decided to stay with her, I think I would have demanded that she let me go have sex with someone else as well. So, what's the mentality here? Is it better to just always have that "upper hand" in arguments? "You cheated but I didn't!" or is there something more here? Edited August 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Some people find many ways to justify in their own mind that it was ok for them to have an affair. All people do not want their mate having sex with someone else. So simple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 So, what's the mentality here? Is it better to just always have that "upper hand" in arguments? "You cheated but I didn't!" or is there something more here? I look at it from the other side - how could I tell my WS cheating is wrong if I then cheat myself? And any reasoning that starts with "I cheated because..." simply validates the WS use of the same thought process. The mentality is that infidelity cannot be justified by circumstances, including our partner's infidelity... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) i don't think it's about having the "upper hand." personally, i can't stand people who lie to me, let alone have the audacity to cheat on me. i'd just cut my losses and move on. now, if i have a vested interest in pursuing and instilling some form of justice on the offending party, you damn well better believe i'm gonna follow through with it. Edited August 17, 2015 by Artie Lang 2 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Im still married to a cheater. There are days I have wanted to cheat on him. However, I dont have the desire to do so. Not only that. The lying and sneaking around are more bothersome to me than the sex. I am already telling my kids hey dont tolerate this behavior. They are in grade school. I want to be a role model. I have morals and ethics and I want to live by them. If i were to cheat then i couldnt be Authentic. I too would be a liar and a cheater no matter the reason behind it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 What I've learned is that some people are cheaters and some live by a code and honor their commitments regardless of what their spouse does. I would never cheat, period. My spouse does not understand that mindset and most cheaters don't. Most cheaters believe that anyone is capable of cheating given the right opportunity. I disagree 100% with that thinking. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Im still married to a cheater. There are days I have wanted to cheat on him. However, I dont have the desire to do so. Not only that. The lying and sneaking around are more bothersome to me than the sex. I am already telling my kids hey dont tolerate this behavior. They are in grade school. I want to be a role model. I have morals and ethics and I want to live by them. If i were to cheat then i couldnt be Authentic. I too would be a liar and a cheater no matter the reason behind it. So you are role modeling to accept being cheated on and tolerating it????? And that is OK how??? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 There are several reasons WS s flip out at the thought of their BS doing the same thing. One is they know the rush and excitement of scoring on the side and they know of all the nasty and perverted things that cheaters do. Another is deep down they disrespect their BS and think that they are a schmuck for sitting at home nonethewiser while they are out living the porn life. And another is all cheaters believe that their affair "just happened" and that they got swept up in a perfect storm of circumstances and that it was simply fate that put the wrong penis in the wrong vagina. Whereas if the BS goes out and gets some, it's intentional and deliberate and that makes it a far worse offense in their eyes. That's why WS s have such an issue with BS s scoring some too. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Just because they are allowed to have their cake and eat it too doesn't mean you are allowed to do that, silly! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Im still married to a cheater. There are days I have wanted to cheat on him. However, I dont have the desire to do so. Not only that. The lying and sneaking around are more bothersome to me than the sex. I am already telling my kids hey dont tolerate this behavior. They are in grade school. I want to be a role model. I have morals and ethics and I want to live by them. If i were to cheat then i couldnt be Authentic. I too would be a liar and a cheater no matter the reason behind it. You realize you said there are days you want to cheat and then..immediately followed that up with "I don't have the desire to cheat". It comes off like saying you'd totally want to cheat but it is just too much effort. To which wow okay..that is a way to be I guess. You then say you want to be a role model to your children and tell them not to tolerate the behavior..but then since you are still married to a cheater you..tolerated that behavior. Am I missing something or are you playing a practical joke? This is like if someone asks you if it is raining outside and you say "no, but water is falling to the earth from the sky". Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 But, had I decided to stay with her, I think I would have demanded that she let me go have sex with someone else as well. So, what's the mentality here? Is it better to just always have that "upper hand" in arguments? "You cheated but I didn't!" or is there something more here? I don't think I've ever seen a story on LS or anywhere else where after getting even by cheating themselves, both the WS and BS say "Ahhhh...now we're even. Onward and upward I guess!" Same reason government endorsed capital punishment makes no sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 The reason people say it is not a good idea is because it immediately put someone who has betrayed you right back on a level playing field and encourages them to then say, we're even so lets move on. And having a revenge affair is really not cheating and would not provide you with the adreniline rush that the excitement of the illicit affair does. It's not a good idea if you want to get the original cheater to not rugsweep because you are even. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 The reason people say it is not a good idea is because it immediately put someone who has betrayed you right back on a level playing field and encourages them to then say, we're even so lets move on. What's wrong with moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 There are a multitude of reasons why revenge cheating is a really bad idea. Let's forget about moral integrity & the doom of revenge. Let's start with the most basic & simple fact...to cheat you need another person. For you a revenge cheat seems very simple. Make your partner feel some of the pain you felt. However you're taking an innocent person. Stringing them along, making them believe that something very real emotionally is happening but you're using them in the worst possible way. I always tell my son, "Be the bigger man" & "turn the other cheak". No matter how good revenge could (arguably) feel you're punishing & abusing an innocent person to get your revenge. Can you live with that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) There are a multitude of reasons why revenge cheating is a really bad idea. Let's forget about moral integrity & the doom of revenge. Let's start with the most basic & simple fact...to cheat you need another person. For you a revenge cheat seems very simple. Make your partner feel some of the pain you felt. However you're taking an innocent person. Stringing them along, making them believe that something very real emotionally is happening but you're using them in the worst possible way. I always tell my son, "Be the bigger man" & "turn the other cheak". No matter how good revenge could (arguably) feel you're punishing & abusing an innocent person to get your revenge. Can you live with that? THE INNOCENT. Shattered Lady. What a appropiate name. Surely, you expected this post. And what happens to that innocent person after the dust has settled and you go back to reconciliation. And heres a twist. What if your partner knew of your "revenge affair" oked it. Was informed about it completely. Does she truly inmocent? Dang, she could have said not with a freind. And what if your R A was posted all over the world to your freinds and her freinds and her freinds, So. For the revenge affair person. Did you guys use that woman? Did you humiliate her? Is your partner now satisfied that you got it out of your system? Was there damage to your revenge affair partner, that BENEFITED THE BOTH OF YOU? Why would you do this to a freind? If you think that riding off into the sunset, the cloud of dirt you leave behind, is your revenge affair partner, it isnt. That dirt is your honor. Do the decent thing and publicly apoligize. The BOTH of you. Edited August 19, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) i don't understand the hypocrisy of most way wards. they cheat but don't want to be cheated on. if the cheater is cheated on. the atmosphere is already divorce! wow. do cheaters expect monogamy in their future relationship. do cheaters even have the right to demand monogamy from future partner? seen many cheaters get angry and paranoid. of the betrayed. I don't think I've ever seen a story on LS or anywhere else where after getting even by cheating themselves, both the WS and BS say "Ahhhh...now we're even. Onward and upward I guess!" Same reason government endorsed capital punishment makes no sense to me. that dtk guy.. cheating vs ons... Edited August 19, 2015 by m.snow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 RA's Will not get the WS's affair sex undone Will not even make an EA never happen All a RA does is make the BS as guilty as the WS Along with making recovery extremely difficult 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) I don't feel strongly one way or the other with regard to a revenge affair. I feel cheaters deserve pretty much whatever they get. Edited August 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic content removed ~T 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I admit, I thought about it- not really out of revenge but because I couldn't (and still can not) wrap my head around it- what is so exciting, whats the attraction, etc... Then I look at how broken my husband is over what he did and I think- ick, I have enough on my plate without heaping self loathing on there too- Also, my husband was very broken inside when he did this- thankfully, I have never been that broken-my ego has never needed that stroking that his did- I am not better than he is- I am just different- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Nobody likes the taste of their own medicine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I have the desire to have sex outside the marriage but not lie about it. My desire is to even the score so to speak, for revenge and to hurt my WS in the way that I was hurt and so if I keep it a secret then the whole point of it is lost. I know this is a juvenile way of thinking and resist it. I also know I'd be lowering myself to some level I'd regret. I'd be hurting myself more than my WS. Still,,, Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I had a RA it is what first brought me to this site many years ago, when I discovered my WH's first indescretion. i even told him I was going to cheat on him. Obviously the worst decision of my life ever besides trying to R with a serial cheater. Now my WH thinks I'm just like him although he has gone on to have more A's and I have not. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 t's funny. The original cheater is 100% responsible for their choice with zero mitigation. The revenge cheater is NOT responsible for their choice because the first cheater cheated first. We live in a world where people think it is fine to trash their own character as long as someone did it to them first. I'll admit it, as horrible....HORRIBLE as an affair is, when the BS goes right out and boinks someone in revenge and chooses not to see the irony...my sympathy for them goes down a bit. It's back to that whole playground "she hit me first!!" thing. Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 So you are role modeling to accept being cheated on and tolerating it????? And that is OK how??? Actually no! Im getting my financial resources in a row to support my self and children. Not everyone can just up and leave on dday especially if you are a sthm. Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 You realize you said there are days you want to cheat and then..immediately followed that up with "I don't have the desire to cheat". It comes off like saying you'd totally want to cheat but it is just too much effort. To which wow okay..that is a way to be I guess. You then say you want to be a role model to your children and tell them not to tolerate the behavior..but then since you are still married to a cheater you..tolerated that .behavior. Am I missing something or are you playing a practical joke? This is like if someone asks you if it is raining outside and you say "no, but water is falling to the earth from the sky". Ask any bs spouse if they haven't though about revenge cheating for a moment. And half the people on this forum who are in Reconcilliation are still with their cheating spouse. Thats what this forum is about ..infidelity. You dont post on here if you havent been directly effected by infidelity. Everyone is at a different place in their journey following infidelity. Some are newly discovered, some are trying to repair the damage, some have divorced, others have r but arent sure. Some are cheating. I thought this was about supporting others and giving your opinion but not making judgements. Link to post Share on other sites
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