Cheating on a cheater?

[Bartlett65]

I have the desire to have sex outside the marriage but not lie about it. My desire is to even the score so to speak, for revenge and to hurt my WS in the way that I was hurt and so if I keep it a secret then the whole point of it is lost.

 

I know this is a juvenile way of thinking and resist it. I also know I'd be lowering myself to some level I'd regret. I'd be hurting myself more than my WS.

 

Still,,,

 

How is it lowering to their level? The WS dropped monogamy like a bad habit, yet the betrayed is still expected to maintain it? I don't recall being the only one who promised to forsake all others, so why, now that that promise is out the window on his side, would I still be bound by it? It will never be I who tossed it aside like garbage, nor will I pretend I'm still in a monogamous relationship, when I'm clearly not. To pretend that is stupidity. He played me for a fool, but now I know the score.

[Bartlett65]

t's funny. The original cheater is 100% responsible for their choice with zero mitigation.

 

The revenge cheater is NOT responsible for their choice because the first cheater cheated first.

 

We live in a world where people think it is fine to trash their own character as long as someone did it to them first.

 

I'll admit it, as horrible....HORRIBLE as an affair is, when the BS goes right out and boinks someone in revenge and chooses not to see the irony...my sympathy for them goes down a bit.

 

It's back to that whole playground "she hit me first!!" thing.

Sorry, but that's bs. The fact that I'm no longer deluded about the status of my reationship is *not* a black mark on my character. Irony? The irony is in the person who threw away monogamy still expecting the betrayed party to observe the old rules. Me? I was faithful. He unilaterally called off the marriage without even telling me it was off. From the moment I found that out, my only obligation has been to myself. I'll do what I do in whatever manner pleases me, and that's not a sign of bad character, but of reasonable intelligence.

[Noirek]

If somebody wants to cheat they will find justification to do it. We usually do, justify our behaviour.

 

Personally, as a WS, my husband is free to have sex with whoever he wants. But it will be because he chose to. But a WS is still a human and they can have whatever boundaries they want in place upon R.

 

If you want to reconcile I've read of very few people whose RAs did anything more than cause them more grief. So take responsibility for your own actions.

 

If you don't want to. End the marriage. Pretty much the same advice given to WS who are in crappy situations about what they should do instead of cheating.

 

But we always do what we want. And you will too. And you will either do it not careing it is wrong or you will do it justifying it until the very end. Human nature is no a WS' monoply.

[elaine567]

A revenge affair sounds like a great idea, but usually the BS is not in the same place as the WS when they embarked on the affair.

The WS is excited, is happy, is feeling euphoric; they feel like they won the jackpot, they are in a wonderful fantasy-land of love and sex.

 

The BS having a RA, is upset, they have been betrayed, they are angry and resentful, I guess they are also fearful and scared and out of their depth, out of their comfort zone as they are often not of the cheating mentality. They are going through the motions of having an affair, not because their heart is in it, but because they need to hurt their WS and that is a different thing altogether from the fun and giddy excitement of the original affair.

[autumnnight]

My neighbor robbed me. If I rob him, it isn't a crime. Got it

[Spectre]

Ask any bs spouse if they haven't though about revenge cheating for a moment.

 

Why would I do this? I never said people cheated on do not seek revenge. What I said was you said you have never had the desire to cheat even though you just said you did. It doesn't matter where the desire came from..you had the desire.

 

And half the people on this forum who are in Reconcilliation are still with their cheating spouse. Thats what this forum is about ..infidelity. You dont post on here if you havent been directly effected by infidelity. Everyone is at a different place in their journey following infidelity. Some are newly discovered, some are trying to repair the damage, some have divorced, others have r but arent sure. Some are cheating. I thought this was about supporting others and giving your opinion but not making judgements.

 

Just..okay. So I never actually said any of the stuff you are saying here is false. But you said some things that just didn't make any sense, and since you willingly put forth this information it is hard to expect nobody to notice or comment.

 

Also: of course this is about judging, as is EVERYTHING in life. You are married? Sweet, means you judged your hubby to be marriage material. You ever work a job? Sweet, means they judged you as a good candidate to work for them. Life is about judgement. Why in this very important aspect of life(love) would we not judge people?

 

i don't understand the hypocrisy of most way wards.

 

they cheat but don't want to be cheated on.

 

It's almost as if the cheaters are just selfish and untrustworthy..

Edited August 21, 2015 by Spectre

[Buckeye2]

There are several reasons WS s flip out at the thought of their BS doing the same thing.

 

One is they know the rush and excitement of scoring on the side and they know of all the nasty and perverted things that cheaters do.

 

Another is deep down they disrespect their BS and think that they are a schmuck for sitting at home nonethewiser while they are out living the porn life.

 

And another is all cheaters believe that their affair "just happened" and that they got swept up in a perfect storm of circumstances and that it was simply fate that put the wrong penis in the wrong vagina.

 

Whereas if the BS goes out and gets some, it's intentional and deliberate and that makes it a far worse offense in their eyes.

 

That's why WS s have such an issue with BS s scoring some too.

 

Oldshirt answered the original question very well. The only thing I could add is that sadly having a rock solid spouse can give the other spouse the confidence to cheat. The rock solid spouse appears as a parent does to a child in that they will always be there for them.

 

The child is held to a lower standard than the adult. I read a post where a BS asked their WS how they would feel if they (the BS) cheated. The WS said they didn’t know because they could never imagine the BS cheating.

[Noirek]

old shirt.

 

maybe work on your erroneous assumptions. ALL cheaters do not believe "it just happened" plenty know it was a descision that was made. And even if you say "well most" or "the majority" (something you cannot prove) it does not change the fact your statement was wrong or anyway make it less wrong.

[Mrs. John Adams]

A revenge affair is never the correct answer. The old saying two wrongs don't make a right is quite accurate.

[Furious]

I honestly don't mean to be harsh here, but there is something that has bothered me for a while now.

 

I have read on here about people cheating on their spouse but getting VERY upset if the spouse says he/she is going to go out and do the same thing. So, why does the WS get to have all of the fun and the BS gets only the heartache?

 

I realize that in a reconciliation, it only adds another level of problems, but I'm trying to figure out why a WS would even have an issue with their husband/wife having an affair after they had theirs? Wouldn't it be only fair?

 

I guess I'm trying to understand the mentality that a WS can say they are not getting what they want at home, so they are going to get it elsewhere, but then they get upset if their spouse does the same?

 

My fiance cheated on me and I immediately broke up with her. But, had I decided to stay with her, I think I would have demanded that she let me go have sex with someone else as well.

 

So, what's the mentality here? Is it better to just always have that "upper hand" in arguments? "You cheated but I didn't!" or is there something more here?

 

 

After being here for awhile, some things I've learned about infidelity, which suprised me, is how often cheaters cannot tolerate being cheated on and how often betrayed spouses become WS's or OW/OM. It's a pardox that still baffles me.

 

i still have trouble wrapping my mind around the convoluted complexity in how for those who find themselves on the opposite side of what they did or had done to them and how it's rationalized to fit their perspective as to which side of the fence they now are on.

 

I've read how some OW/OM say they divorced their cheating spouse because they could not tolerate being deceived and yet defend their position as an OW/OM.

 

I've read how some former WS's are devasted that their spouse cheated on them and filed for divorce.

 

I've read how affair partners would not tolerate an OOW/OOM.

 

I've read of betrayed spouses who had revenge affairs and said it's justifiable.

 

I've read how some WS's blame shift and blame their spouse for why they cheat.

 

Etc....etc.....

 

I see that infidelity is far more complex and as complex as the people who are on all sides of infidelity.

 

As to your question about fairness in infidelity, not at all. Infidelity is based on lies and it's not a foundation that supports fairness and there's no formula to bring fairness if the game is cheating.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Revenge affairs accomplish nothing...oh it might boost the bs for a minute...but once reality sets in...it only complicated the relationship...now instead of one affair to deal with..there are two....and two bs and two WS and two OM/ow to deal with.

 

Absolutely no good can come from it...none.

[Horton]

And another is all cheaters believe that their affair "just happened" and that they got swept up in a perfect storm of circumstances and that it was simply fate that put the wrong penis in the wrong vagina.

 

Whereas if the BS goes out and gets some, it's intentional and deliberate and that makes it a far worse offense in their eyes.

 

People get upset about the 'all cheaters do ____' statements, but I personally have never seen any WS, even those who are seemingly remorseful, not place at least some of the blame for the affair on some outside force. Be it their marriage, their childhood, their AP or fate as you said. Even the ones who initially (in their guilt) take 100% of the blame eventually come around to the status quo of 'shared responsibility'.

 

There's always an asterisk in there somewhere you just have to know where to look for it.

 

As to a RA being an even greater offense, I have seen multiple WS's claim that a RA on the part of their BS would lead to an immediate divorce under the guise of it being proof that their BS is unforgiving or is punishing them for the affair.

 

'Do as I say, not as I do.'

Ought to be some peoples signature on here.

[OldRover]

What's wrong with moving on?

 

Nothing, but sometimes there's some real challenges in doing so.

[OldRover]

I wouldn't take either side on if a RA is appropriate or not...

 

There could be a situation where the marriage was over anyway, and they both wanted an affair.... so after the first one gets their affair going, the second one decides to pursue the affair that they had been thinking about all along....

 

You never know... and some of these situations the two stay married, for whatever reason.

 

There's just too many variables to comment about it being totally inappropriate or just fine..... depends.

[Horton]

I wouldn't take either side on if a RA is appropriate or not...

 

There could be a situation where the marriage was over anyway, and they both wanted an affair.... so after the first one gets their affair going, the second one decides to pursue the affair that they had been thinking about all along....

 

You never know... and some of these situations the two stay married, for whatever reason.

 

There's just too many variables to comment about it being totally inappropriate or just fine..... depends.

 

I believe affairs are always wrong, even if revenge is the motive, but I can't help but roll my eyes when a cheater gets cheated on and acts all exasperated about it. Like they can't believe this has happened to them of all people.

[autumnnight]

Revenge affairs accomplish nothing...oh it might boost the bs for a minute...but once reality sets in...it only complicated the relationship...now instead of one affair to deal with..there are two....and two bs and two WS and two OM/ow to deal with.

 

Absolutely no good can come from it...none.

 

I agree.and I have literal happy tears knwing you are back

[Mrs. John Adams]

hey my sweet girl....I just took a little break....

[autumnnight]

hey my sweet girl....I just took a little break....

 

 

I may do the same. Too many odd reunions with old friends lately. Maybe I'll visit a jungle

[MrVegas]

I think the problem with an RA is that it only has one purpose, and that is to hurt the WS. While this might be a small distinction to some, but for the most part, while the A was selfish, it usually isn't designed to hurt the BS.

 

RA's only make things worse. And it doesn't put anyone on level ground just two equally awful grounds. It won't take away the pain felt over either A, it won't make it even. Not to mention, how do you decide with who and how to keep that from turning into a separate A?

 

Speaking of which, how could you determine "even"? Do you make a points system and then cheat until you are at the same score? Who keeps track? What if you overdo it?

 

I fail to see how in a situation involving too many genitals in a relationship, adding more helps at all.

[Spectre]

For me the main problem with the revenge affair is it is actually worse then a normal affair. When I say that I do not mean to say it merely makes the situation worse(which it does) but most of the time people do not cheat specifically to harm their spouse. A revenge affair is 100% sex meant only to hurt your partner. It's the difference between accidentally hitting someone with your car and purposely running them down.

 

So you actually wind up looking worse then the person you are trying to get back at for hurting you. Which then means you have no ground to stand on. So unless you are doing the RA to end the marriage..well, it takes away any "high ground" you might of had in the situation so to speak if you ever intended to try to work it out.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[ladydesigner]

For me the main problem with the revenge affair is it is actually worse then a normal affair. When I say that I do not mean to say it merely makes the situation worse(which it does) but most of the time people do not cheat specifically to harm their spouse. A revenge affair is 100% sex meant only to hurt your partner. It's the difference between accidentally hitting someone with your car and purposely running them down.

 

So you actually wind up looking worse then the person you are trying to get back at for hurting you. Which then means you have no ground to stand on. So unless you are doing the RA to end the marriage..well, it takes away any "high ground" you might of had in the situation so to speak if you ever intended to try to work it out.

 

Yep that is exactly what it is. When I had a RA it was the start of me discovering how bad and nonexistent my coping skills were. I actually did not address my bad coping skills until this latest A my WH had with MOW. I attempted suicide that time.

 

I think many A's are a result of very bad coping skills. Not an excuse at all.

[autumnnight]

Yep that is exactly what it is. When I had a RA it was the start of me discovering how bad and nonexistent my coping skills were. I actually did not address my bad coping skills until this latest A my WH had with MOW. I attempted suicide that time.

 

I think many A's are a result of very bad coping skills. Not an excuse at all.

 

 

I am so so so glad you did not succeed

[JohnAdams]

I am also of the firm belief that nothing good can come from a revenge affair. Perhaps to some degree as pointed out it is poor coping skills. I think it is a major self destructive action more than revenge. During the time of my RA, suicide was my number one fantasy. I had it all planned out, just never had the nerve to go through with it. During my RA I do not think I cared if my wife kicked me out or what happened to me. It certainly brought me no relief, no ego boost. All it did was show that I could throw out my morals, my principals and prove that I was indeed a worthless person.

 

I think every ws can tell of the circumstances that led them to having an affair. But in every case, it is the decision of the ws. As often pointed out the state of the marriage is on both of you but the decision to have an affair is only on the ws. The WS made the decision regardless if it's a "regular" affair or a RA.

[ladydesigner]

I am also of the firm belief that nothing good can come from a revenge affair. Perhaps to some degree as pointed out it is poor coping skills. I think it is a major self destructive action more than revenge. During the time of my RA, suicide was my number one fantasy. I had it all planned out, just never had the nerve to go through with it. During my RA I do not think I cared if my wife kicked me out or what happened to me. It certainly brought me no relief, no ego boost. All it did was show that I could throw out my morals, my principals and prove that I was indeed a worthless person.

 

I think every ws can tell of the circumstances that led them to having an affair. But in every case, it is the decision of the ws. As often pointed out the state of the marriage is on both of you but the decision to have an affair is only on the ws. The WS made the decision regardless if it's a "regular" affair or a RA.

 

Right, I try not to use that term too much, Revenge Affair, because I too believe that an A is A no matter how it is spun.

[road]

Right, I try not to use that term too much, Revenge Affair, because I too believe that an A is A no matter how it is spun.

 

Calling it an RA does not make it right. It just makes us informed that the BS became a WS.