Obsessed with the details??

[somuch for friends]

Good Morning.

 

A quick questions...........Has anybody been so obsessed, that having found out about the affair, that they feel the need to know every single small detail about the affair? Places, sex, calls, feelings etc.

 

I know that I am obsessed, I think about everything for probably 95% of my waking thoughts? I want to keep asking questions to my husband. He often says that he dosn't know the answer or can't remember, which drives me insane...................!

 

Anybody else feel like this this? When does it start to calm down? I have known since 9th Feb??

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by somuch for friends

Has anybody been so obsessed, that having found out about the affair, that they feel the need to know every single small detail about the affair? Places, sex, calls, feelings etc.

 

I know that I am obsessed, I think about everything for probably 95% of my waking thoughts? I want to keep asking questions to my husband. He often says that he dosn't know the answer or can't remember, which drives me insane...................!

 

Anybody else feel like this this? When does it start to calm down? I have known since 9th Feb??

 

This is totally normal I think. I too spent 99% of my day obsessing over the details. This only calmed down when I got to the point that I felt all my questions had been answered. Don't know or can't remember is not an answer.

 

Going over the details is a way of trying to make sense of something that we don't understand or haven't been part of. You are still at a very early stage. Unfortunately for me, my constant obsessing meant that more and more information came to light. I first had an idea something was up last July; it has taken until March this year to uncover the full story. For me not knowing made me feel more shut out. It meant that the A kept its power. Once it was out in the open I could see it for the pitiful thing it was.

 

You have a long way to go. Your H has to get the message that he needs now to be honest, both to lay the A to rest and to prove to you that there is open communication between you. Go to marriagebuilders and print off the policy of radical honesty or there is an open letter on the dear Peggy website which explains to the WS why the BS really needs to know the details.

 

There are some details that I would rather have not known though, that's the downside ;-(

 

Sylvia

[blissfullyaloof]

Yes...this is very normal. When I found out my husband had an affair..I asked every single thing...AND I mean EVERYTHING. He once asked me if I thought about it 24/7...and hated it when I said yep. Even my dreams were about it. Be careful, though, as Slyvia said, you may learn things that you don't want to know. For me, it was better coming from my H, than me finding it out by myself. I appreciated his honesty( and yes, I often got ...I just don't remember) Heck..he couldn't even remember the first night they had sex! Yet, I looked at the calendar and figured it out...Aaaggghhhh.

Also, be aware that any new piece of info...even the smallest detail..might send you into a depression..or make you very angry!

 

You will get passed the obsession. My counselor said it is like cleaning a wound...and all these details are the puss( gross I know)...asking all the questions is like applying the alcohol...it will hurt, but in the end it gets rid of the infection( if my case, all the secrets). Your husband has to be standing there helping you clean out the wound that he created....handing you the cotton balls(answers) and telling you how sorry that he is. They don't want to b/c it makes them see the awful person they were during that time...but that is their duty now.

 

I am lucky in the fact that my H answers as much as he can and that he is always there for me. I hope yours is too!

 

take care!

 

blissfullyaloof

[MiChick43]

somuch,

I think its very normal. I asked questions over and over and over. And he would respond with the same....I cant remember. I think if they would realize that telling us things may make healing easier, or maybe not. I sure wanted to know everything.

[RecordProducer]

Poor girl, you! I feel for ya. I would be exactly like you if it happened to me: obsessed and asking all the questions. I have no experience with it, but I am sure you'll get over it. How about a nasty revenge? If my H cheated on me, I'd cheat on him too. But not right away with the first one who shows up, but when I would meet someone I'd really desire. For how long have you been married? Any kids?

[only1life]

The questions still come up, even after 8 months.... and like you, some of the questions don't get answered, for whatever reason but I've also learned that each question just brings up more questions, until they built up so much that I finally decided that enough was enough. All the answers in the world don't make what happened right, nor do they really answer why it happened. And each time I'd ask her something, I could tell she felt terrible about it all. So I've stopped asking her. And I try to stop my mind from rationalizing what happened and instead just put it off as a really big mistake that she made, and she's sorry now, and I forgive her, and let's move on and not let it prevent us from having a good life together in the future.

 

Good luck. Hope something can work for you to enjoy also.

[rebecki7]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

How about a nasty revenge? If my H cheated on me, I'd cheat on him too. But not right away with the first one who shows up, but when I would meet someone I'd really desire.

 

I cannot believe this...you sit and preach to everyone about how awful affairs are and how much pain they cause, and then you say you would have one to get back at someone. I think that is awful...

[MiChick43]

quote:Originally posted by RecordProducer

How about a nasty revenge? If my H cheated on me, I'd cheat on him too. But not right away with the first one who shows up, but when I would meet someone I'd really desire.

 

 

 

I cannot believe this...you sit and preach to everyone about how awful affairs are and how much pain they cause, and then you say you would have one to get back at someone. I think that is awful...

 

 

 

Somuch,

I would hope that RPs response is just in jest. At any rate I would not even consider reponding with your H affair by getting even. You are better then that, Im sure. All your feelings are very normal. Seek out a good counselor, as most of us have at one point.

 

Hugs, Michick

[I Survived]

It's not that you want all the details, you're just trying to figure out what the heck happened. Where were you when this was all going on???? That was why I had to know. But the most important thing....once he gets beyond the "I don't remembers" and starts telling you the truth is that it's rebuilding the trust that disintegrated when you discovered his affair. After a year, my husband is an open book. All my questions have been answered and we are living and loving our new life together.

[SueBee3490]

Originally posted by Still Hurting

It's not that you want all the details, you're just trying to figure out what the heck happened. Where were you when this was all going on????

 

 

I agree Still Hurting

 

I too went crazy trying to find out all the nasty details of what they did, where they went, etc. (even what they did sexually). I was consumed with these thoughts in my head. Days turned into weeks which turned into months and now years! It's been over 2 yrs. since i found out and I'm still asking. But now when I ask questions, he just says he misses his home and is moving back. He seems to think I have no reason to be hurt by his cheating because he is "more hurt" at having to move to my homestate. It's like a competition with him. If I say we need marriage counseling, he says he needs counseling for how bad he feels at having to move. So he doesn't answer all my questions. I think he is embarassed at what he did so it's hard for him to answer. Every time I ask, he tells me I am just trying to tell him what a lowlife he is so he gets mad. So usually we don't get anywhere. Since we are stuck in this circle and not making progress in our relationship, I know I won't stay with him. I feel since he is not helping me deal with all this by answering questions, he will never be there for me in any other problems we may encounter.

 

As you stated above StillHurting, I think we ask so much because we're trying to figure out why didn't we see what they were doing? I was blinded by love I know that. I didn't want to ever believe something could be wrong with this guy. I could have taken alot of other flaws he would have. I have them too. But the "flaw" of cheating is a major one I can't seem to overcome.

 

SueBee

[StillHurtin]

Yep, I went through the samething. I asked a lot of ?. Some he didn't remember either. I just felt it was my way of healing knowing what went on. My counselor told me not to bring up the OW to him anymore but it was just too hard not to. Two years later and I sometimes ask him ? but I don't expect him to remember anymore b/c I know how hard he is trying to get past it and doesn't really like talking about the OW. Once in awhile he will bring up something she said, or did, and at times I wonder WTH he would tell me that.

 

RP, I hope you were being sarcastic w/ that revenge comment.

[NoLongerTrusting]

I can also say I understand your feelings on this. I still do not feel I can even begin to forgive my wife for cheating until she stops holding onto the affair for her self and hands it over to me, details and all.

[wanting to heal]

My wife gave me the details of her ONS

[wanting to heal]

My wife gave me the details of her ONS

 

She told me most of it when I confronted her, because I had evidence that it happened. She lied at the beginning trying to cover it up, but once she knew that I was onto her she started to open up.

 

I took a week for her to tell me the whole story. Lucky for me, she said that the guy was a bad lay and was just in it for a screw. She had not been unfaithful before and was a virgin when we married. It was a big disappointment to her. I really believe this, because after we made love the other night she told me how cold that experience was and how used she felt. She apologized again. She told me that he directed her moves like she was an escort. She told me how he would not look her in the eye. She told me how he finished and just rolled over and said nothing to her for five minutes.

 

This would have been harder if she were telling me how good it was. Now she seems to view lovemaking with an appreciation that I value her and am very attracted to her. It has opened her eyes, it my opinion.

 

At first I wanted the details to see if there were more lies. Now the details represent her sharing with me as her friend. Her details even included that he was hung, but that only hurt a little. She has reassured me that I am her desire now, and I see her disdain for the other guy. Mostly, I feel that her confessions are more real with the detail. It is good for me and for her.

[phillygirl63]

You're perfectly normal in your need to know all. Your husband should be as open and honest as he can be. Sometimes I think men say "I don't remember" as a way of not having to answer the question - it makes them uncomfortable to describe details of their past affair with their wife (plus, I honestly think they don't want to hurt the wife with the details). But that was the only way I was able to move on. I wanted to know every minute detail. Some of it hurt, but mostly I was able to see it for what it was, a sleazy fling. I actually felt like they were both (h and ow) very pathetic individuals and it made me feel a lot better about myself. An affair is really a rotten thing to do to someone you profess to love. I'm sick of reading the various excuses on here for why they happen. It's wrong - plain and simple. People really don't want to be held accountable anymore for their own actions.

[only1life]

Originally posted by phillygirl63

.....I was able to see it for what it was, a sleazy fling. I actually felt like they were both (h and ow) very pathetic individuals and it made me feel a lot better about myself. An affair is really a rotten thing to do to someone you profess to love. I'm sick of reading the various excuses on here for why they happen. It's wrong - plain and simple. People really don't want to be held accountable anymore for their own actions.

 

Great summary PhillyG! I'm tired of people who have no experience in the real situation, telling about how it was cause by this and that! Get real! Nobody forced them to take that first wrong kiss, and nobody forced them to take their pants off! They did it because they choose to do it.

 

A cheater needs to face the fact that they did wrong, and part of gaining forgiveness from the one they hurt, is to come clean, be honest and tell the whole truth about everything that happened. It is only natural for the hurt spouse to want to know a lot of details, and if they are truly sorry for what they did, they will tell what is asked of them. If not, they are still hiding things, and it will be that much harder for the hurt spouse to rebuild trust.

 

Somuch: Keep asking the questions, those answers are one of the ways that you will regain your peace. And in time, you'll be OK. It takes time. A lot of time. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

People really don't want to be held accountable anymore for their own actions.

 

Exactly! And so they shouldn't put themselves in situations where they WILL be accountable for their actions! Consquences - Karma - All of it - Comes back and bites 100x worse! Intentional or not, affairs Do happen - Just own up to it and don't hold back the 411 when it is all laid out on the table.

 

I do agree, the "I don't remember, or not quite sure routine" is so he/she won't have to hurt their spouse anymore than they have to...But, what they have to realize is - the BS is already HURTING really bad, more info isn't going to make it any worse, only hiding it and lying about it will make it worse.