DB_09 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm sure this question has been asked many times before, I apologize in advance if it's redundant here..... For all of you that successfully survived NC, how did you do it? How did you get through the thoughts of doubt that you were doing the right thing? The thoughts of "no one gets me, or makes me smile or laugh like he does", or "I'll never feel that way about someone again". I focused on the hurt, the pain to initiate NC.... but as time goes on the only thoughts I have are that I may never smile or feel the happiness I did when I was with my MM. I feel I am back at square 1, wanting him more than ever. How were you sure you made the right decision and stuck with it? How did you move on and accept it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm right in the middle of what you're experiencing, too, but for what it's worth... One thing I've thought about is a past breakup that brought me intense pain. At the time I thought I'd never meet someone who made me feel that way again. This was just not true in the end, but felt so real at the time. I am also focusing on MM's bad qualities, not for the purposes of hating him, but to demystify him and make him more human. Yes I was able to look past those bad qualities, but they are there. In my MM's case, he's a liar at least to his wife (probably to me too, I know), at times manipulative, conflict avoidant. In other words, a human with some very big flaws that need work. Not a magical Prince Charming. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm sure this question has been asked many times before, I apologize in advance if it's redundant here..... For all of you that successfully survived NC, how did you do it? How did you get through the thoughts of doubt that you were doing the right thing? The thoughts of "no one gets me, or makes me smile or laugh like he does", or "I'll never feel that way about someone again". I focused on the hurt, the pain to initiate NC.... but as time goes on the only thoughts I have are that I may never smile or feel the happiness I did when I was with my MM. I feel I am back at square 1, wanting him more than ever. How were you sure you made the right decision and stuck with it? How did you move on and accept it? Theres so little we see of their lives and their reality. I was lucky in a way in that I recently found out he had been using the same lines on another coworker that he used on me and had become like a "thing" for us. That lifted the fog pretty damn quick. I no longer desire to reach out to him or hold myself back with unsent letters. I honestly don't know how long it would've taken otherwise. I do know he is not the basket to put your happiness eggs in. Affair or not, healthy guys don't want to be the wellspring for whether a woman is happy or not. Yikes, pressure. If you're only referring to a shared happiness found with a relationship I understand, but again, if you can be happy on your own and just want to share it, there will be someone else in time once you get rid of this guy and make room for the new and probably better single guy. As for NC it mayve been another poster who said something that stuck with me. Its about faith. You just have to believe eventually you'll get there, like a broken bone. The only thing that makes the pain tolerable is knowing it won't last forever and eventually will heal. You can do things to make the process easier or harder if you want. Its the right decision because you are being true to yourself. Wishing you the best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 For all of you that successfully survived NC, how did you do it? How did you get through the thoughts of doubt that you were doing the right thing? The thoughts of "no one gets me, or makes me smile or laugh like he does", or "I'll never feel that way about someone again". By being boringly logical about it. No man is oxygen. The absolute worse that happens is I never meet a man ever again and spend the rest of my life single. And really, never having to pick up someone else dirty pants off the floor isn't such a bad thing to me. Being single has its perks. However, more than likely I'll meet someone when I'm good and ready too. I've felt like the above after every break up of a serious relationship, and I've survived all them and dated again, so why should this be any different? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I thought I'd never love anyone like I loved him again and that no man would ever look at me like he did. I was right. I didn't love anyone with such a mix of anxiety and guilt again. I didn't compromise myself to make excuses with another coward. I didn't confuse that look that was really a man desperate to feel like a reckless teenager again. A man so broken he'd rather steal moments with me to make sure his ego got stroked than be honest with his wife. I moved on by making a decision to respect and be honest with myself about what I needed. An affair didn't meet those requirements, therefore he didn't meet my needs. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I focused on the hurt, the pain to initiate NC.... but as time goes on the only thoughts I have are that *I may never smile or feel the happiness I did when I was with my MM. I feel I am back at square 1, wanting him more than ever. How were you sure you made the right decision and stuck with it? How did you move on and accept it? *Start by realising that nobody knows what the future will be. Nobody. So you are upsetting yourself by use of your imagination. Make today as good as it can be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shinebrightforever Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm in the same boat. For me, it's focusing on the end result. Which is...MM and I can never be together. MM and I can potentially shatter many lives. MM and I can never have an anxiety free, honest, fulfilling relationship. Never. Therefore, what's inevitable is continued pain, confusion, loneliness...etc. If we don't walk this path now, and continue the difficult, painful process of staying NC and moving on...we will have to do it another time. A month from now? Another year from now? It has to happen some day. Make that time NOW. We will thank ourselves in the long run. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DB_09 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm trying to focus on the bad, it was easy to do when I initially started LC and attempted NC. I had such frustration from 4 years of an emotional rollercoaster that made ending it easier. Now it seems like I'm drowning in remembering what "we" had together minus the "bad parts" that come with an A - our connection, feeling like no one else understands me like he does. I don't want to feel doomed, ruined to ever be open to love again or to live a life always wishing he was in it. My therapist said OW/OM feel the same way about the A that cocaine addicts feel about the drug. The love the way the drug/A makes them feel, but hate the effects it has on their life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I thought I'd never love anyone like I loved him again and that no man would ever look at me like he did. I was right. I didn't love anyone with such a mix of anxiety and guilt again. I didn't compromise myself to make excuses with another coward. I didn't confuse that look that was really a man desperate to feel like a reckless teenager again. A man so broken he'd rather steal moments with me to make sure his ego got stroked than be honest with his wife. I moved on by making a decision to respect and be honest with myself about what I needed. An affair didn't meet those requirements, therefore he didn't meet my needs. This is one of the best things I've ever read on LS. I just copy/pasted it into my quote book. Thank you! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I thought I'd never love anyone like I loved him again and that no man would ever look at me like he did. I was right. I didn't love anyone with such a mix of anxiety and guilt again. I didn't compromise myself to make excuses with another coward. I didn't confuse that look that was really a man desperate to feel like a reckless teenager again. A man so broken he'd rather steal moments with me to make sure his ego got stroked than be honest with his wife. I moved on by making a decision to respect and be honest with myself about what I needed. An affair didn't meet those requirements, therefore he didn't meet my needs. Wonderful post. I know ppl who choose to stay stuck in the same place forever. Stuck in the same bad M; stuck being the OW/OM forever, afraid to let go and live a wonderful free life which doesn't include having someone in your life to make you happy. I have learned that happiness is a choice and it comes from within. No one person outside of yourself should control your future and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jaskiegs Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Thank you for these posts. I am an MM that is, oh, I don't know, three weeks into NC (initiated this time by me, sort of) and sometimes I feel this panic that I should rush over to her place and ask her to marry me (I know, insane). By reading the pain that I've caused (and that she caused as well) in the eyes of others, it makes it easier to remember why we are walking away from each other. It hurts like hell but that doesn't make it wrong. I'm getting a tattoo in a couple of weeks that says, "Pain is inevitable; Suffering is option." I find it useful to remember that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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