Caught wife lying, is this cheating?

[strugglinghubby]

I'm struggling to figure this out/come to terms with it. I have no concrete solid proof but a bit of strong circumstantial evidence. We have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old, been together for 9 years. She has been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past and she has told me it completely tore her apart, and has told me if she ever catches me cheating she would cut my .... Off. Sort of joking, I don't think she would actually do anything like that.

 

Anyway I took her away for a kid free weekend for her birthday, get back on Sunday evening and pick our little one up from my parents house. She seems very off, didn't want to be there and was in a bad mood. She was on her phone a lot as well. I hurried and we left to come home. After a little while tells me she needs to quickly drop down to the shops. About an hour goes by and my gut was telling me something wasn't right, I log onto her iTunes account and use find my iPhone. It registers in a dark park near a football oval. Freaking out thinking she's been abducted etc I throw the little one in the car and drive there. As I'm pulling in to the park two cars drive out, I follow my wife and call her phone and tell her to pull over. She gets out and says its not what it seems, I ask the obvious questions, why are you sneaking off to meet someone in cars in a dark park etc. she says they're just friends and I tell her it's (the marriage) over.

 

Over the next few hours I'm upset, and asking her for explanations. She says its not what it seems, it's a guy she met who has come into her work (she's been finishing around 8-9 and he drops in after work) who is having marriage problems and she has been talking to him about it. She had deleted all text messages/calls from him and I asked why all the effort to lie and hide it, she said she's stupid and thought it would upset me if I found out she was friends with another guy. I've never been jealous before. She's known him for about 6 months and says she has met him outside of work once before for coffee. He is a police officer and I called him the next day at work and asked him straight out what was going on. He said just friends, and told me he's having problems at home. I asked why they went to a dark park and not somewhere more public if they just waned to talk, she said his wife was out shopping and if she saw them talking she would freak out as she's crazy.

 

Next morning I noticed that there was dirt on the inside of her jeans, and dirt on the floor mat of the car. I put this to her and she said again nothing happened, they were just talking. Said the dirt must've got in there over the weekend as she was wearing the same pants away, and told me to stop trying to find things. I know this looks extremely suspect, I'm not stupid and I know in 95% of cases this is flat out cheating. I asked her to swear on our little ones life that nothing was going on and that she had no feelings for him. She swore nothing was going on, and her feelings for him 'stem from wanting to try and help him' (actual words). Then after more questioning she starts telling me she's not happy with our relationship etc.

 

My question is, is it remotely possible she could be telling the truth, that nothing happened and all the evidence is purely coincidental? She's still talking to him as well, I asked to see the messages the day after and there were quite a few but it looked like some had been deleted. They all talk as just friends and no mention of any of this. I'd hate to keep taking this further and think that it could wreck our marriage and family on the slim chance if she is in fact telling the truth, but on the same token this is cutting me up. It happened over a week ago and I still run scenarios of what could have been happening through my head. How do I trust her again?

[La.Primavera]

Sorry but she is clearly lying. You have come to the right place though. Many people hear know how to go about getting proof and what to do in these situations so I'll leave it up to them to give you that advice. I just wanted to let you know that I think your instincts are right that she is messing around with this other guy. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

Take care.

[Qboro90]

Only way to trust her is to hire a private investigator to find out the whole truth or to give you the evidence you need to prove it. You being the detective on your own isn't going to work. She's aware that you're suspicious so she's not going to leave any texts or signs that will incriminate her. And the guy is a cop so he's trained to know what to do to avoid suspicion so that makes it Next to impossible for you to catch them slipping.

 

To answer your question... No... The chances that she's telling the truth are whatever 0% minus 100 are. She's actually pretty ballsy to have you drop her off and go meet this guy knowing that you're there waiting. That shows more disrespect than anything. And to top of all off she's still talking to him!!! You'd think that if she was telling the truth she would be embarrassed for going about it the way she did and do everything in her power to make you know that it really was just a friend she was helping and she can easily stop talking to him in order to ensure you're comfortable and trust her again. She did none of that and even went as far as to tell you to stop being nosey and asking questions. What balls on her wow.

 

Just know this ... You are NEVER going to get the honest full truth from your wife or this guy/cop. They'll only admit to what you have seen and can prove in order to prevent the real truth from turning their lives upside down. Why admit to something if you can get away with it? That's why I suggested the investigator. He can look into it at a level in which you just aren't capable. You have a job I assume, and a kid so those responsibilities take up your time. She's obviously not with this guy when she's home with you so the investigator can be where you are not able to. Also they'll be able to access her texts and emails. If you pay the phone bill I would call your provider and request that they send you a record of her phone log history over the past 3-6 months. This can at least give you the times and length of their relationship. Also keep in mind that if this guy she's with is a cop then he might work along with private investigators so it would be smart of you to go outside your local neighborhood and avoid the risk of hiring someone who might tip him off. (Not a high chance of this but ya never know right?).

 

Another idea would be for you to contact this mans wife. If you do it though make sure it's at a time where you know he is at work so as to avoid him interjecting. You can explain the situation to her and be totally honest. It is your sincerity that's key here. You want her to see that you are just worried and heartbroken over your marriage and not just trying to cause problems in hers. Apologize for even contacting her but you simply need to know in order to do what's best for your child. If she confirms they've been having problems and are divorcing and she knows he talks to her then you can start to maybe believe her story. I doubt she will tell you that. If she's as shocked as you were then you know it's all a sham and their having an affair.

 

Sorry bud.

[qubist]

sorry about your struggle:

Obviously she is lying, she was underground until you found out about their"friendship" she's deleted all their text conversations, it would be naive to thing they are just friend. Unfortunately, you are going to work hard for the truth. there are ways to retrieve deleted messages I'm sure sombody here will help. she has the pattern of a cheater and who knows how far she's gotten in this.

what you need to do is to take it easy and not go all crazy yet. talk to your wife about the situation.

1- make it clear that in order for your marriage to go on it will take a commitment from both of you, make sure to ask her the question" are you still committed to this Marriage?"

2- if she is committed, she needs to understand that her "friendship" with this guy is wrong and has to end now, do not go crazy and accuse her of anything yet, just calmly tell her that you are working on gettin to trust her again and her "friendship" is not helping.

3- The Truth, ask for the truth, remind her that she was lying till she was busted and it would be good for everybody is she just come clear.

4- unless she tells you more details about her Affair you should assume that she is hiding the whole truth and should invistigate more

good luck

[bobwhite007]

She's lying not doubt. If he is divorcing it's probably cause his wife already knows they are bangin pee-pees. You don't have to convince anyone but yourself

[dental]

seriously, why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?

[strugglinghubby]

Well I don't already know the answer, I don't think I'll ever difinitively know. My head tells me that unless she actually confesses it will be a judgement call based on the evidence I have. Which is what I'm struggling with, actually there is a slim chance I could see her being truthful. I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

 

If I found her continuing to lie, I think that would tip me over the edge and just assume the worst. Plus it would break a major promise she said when all this broke that she would be completely honest with me going forward.

 

The part that really sucks is I've come out of this doing heaps of hard work trying to show her more attention/affection that she said has been lacking, and have to bear the cross that is trust issues and doubt that inevitably creeps into my mind. While she has pretty much waked out of this with nothing, except for apologising for hiding the friendship and not being honest with me.

[qubist]

I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

 

nobody knows what kind of relationship they had. is it possible that the "friendship" was platonic and she was lying because she taught it would upset you? possible. but it would be naive from you to just ignore the other possibilities. the fact that she mentioned that she isn't happy with the relationship after you confronted her tells me that she least fell for something more that just a friendship.

I think there is more than a friendship between them but, If i were you and loved that woman I will try to work on repairing my R first before I blew any whistle. and it all should start by the 2 of you committing to stay together and work on the marriage, I don't know if she already did but she needs to stop her "friendship" with him now otherwise it just won't work.

[m.snow]

does she take you for an idiot.

 

not even a monkey would believe her tales.

 

she is cheating they had sex and that's that.

 

follow 180. its time for divorce.

 

you ask why divorce? why this cant work?

 

cause after being caught she continues to lie.

 

 

trust is the foundation of marriage. apparently there is no trust there is no marriage.

 

that will never work. she has fallen out of love for you.

 

you are in "ILYBNILWY"

 

come on she is taking you for an idiot. threaten with divorce now.

and call her parents.

 

I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

.

that's the idiot train ain't nobody gonna jump on that.

Edited August 17, 2015 by m.snow

[elaine567]

Any married woman who is innocently and genuinely trying to help a friend with personal problems is up front about it, she takes him/her home to meet her husband, she tells her husband all about what he/she is going through from day one, they, husband and wife work as a team to help him/her.

She organises for a few other friends and colleagues to support him/her. She arranges nights out as a group to make him/her feel better.

 

She doesn't sneak around football pitches in the dark "talking" to HIM.

No married woman drives to meet a married guy in a dark place beside the football oval to "talk" about HIS marriage.

Of course they are having an affair.

And if they are still communicating they are still having an affair.

 

She swore nothing was going on, and her feelings for him 'stem from wanting to try and help him' (actual words). Then after more questioning she starts telling me she's not happy with our relationship etc.

 

This turning around to "I'm not happy with our relationship" is a huge clue here, at that point she is basically admitting she was not innocently helping a man with his marriage and that there was a lot more to it.

[CarrieT]

Unquestionably she is having an affair.

 

OP, get tested for STDs because she has put you at risk. File for divorce and start The 180.

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

 

So here's the list:

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

No frequent phone calls.

 

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

 

Don't ask for reassurances.

 

Don't buy or give gifts.

 

Don't schedule dates together.

 

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in

your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?

No matter how much you want to!

 

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

 

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

 

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting

more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

[Satu]

Snip

 

*The part that really sucks is I've come out of this doing heaps of hard work trying to show her more attention/affection that she said has been lacking, and have to bear the cross that is trust issues and doubt that inevitably creeps into my mind. While she has pretty much waked out of this with nothing, except for apologising for hiding the friendship and not being honest with me.

 

 

A clip from my journal:

 

 

They all say,"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that its all your fault.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you're just not good enough.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you must do better.

 

Or, you can look at it this way: They did it because they wanted to.

 

Which is a good way of looking at it, because it's the truth.

[m.snow]

if your wife is cheating. and cheating with a cop.

you are at the highest level of what i call a danger zone.

and you could literally end-up in jail.

 

rule # 1 always have a VAR (voice activated recorder on you!) when talking to her.

 

many times situations involving cheating with cops is they always go for the throat. they go RO(Restraining Order) on your azz.

 

never scream in front of her or threaten bodily harm.

again get a var on you.

 

 

DONT WORRY ABOUT THE CHILD IN A DIVORCE, just because your divorce doesnt mean the child will have no mother or father. thats why we have divorce co parenting counseling.

 

National studies have proven that divorce has no effect in a childs grow and development!

----------------------------

time to play the music> chris daughtry - over you!

----------------------------

 

its time to contact that attorney.

and

DONT EVER TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT the divorce!. HAVE HER SERVED AT WORK THATS WHEN SHE WILL KNOW YOUR DIVORCING HER!

 

what angers me the most about this is that. the cheater is treating the betrayed like a fool.

Edited August 17, 2015 by m.snow

[elaine567]

Go see an attorney and find out your rights.

As you have a child, you need to protect your rights to see your little one.

 

YOU may be thinking OK this is no big deal, I can get through this, I do not want a divorce, but she and he may already think of themselves as a couple and may have plans to move in together, so you NEED to be ready.

Protect your assets, make sure she has no access to large sums of your money. The last thing you want is for her to clean you out and run up a large cc debt.

People caught up in affairs can be capable of anything.

Be prepared.

 

If I found her continuing to lie, I think that would tip me over the edge and just assume the worst. Plus it would break a major promise she said when all this broke that she would be completely honest with me going forward.

 

It is called trickle truthing. Trickle truthing is very common - The WS tries to minimise the issue.

 

I hardly know him.

He is just a friend I sometimes see around.

We get on well.

OK, we do text a lot.

We met up for coffee, just the once.

Maybe a few times...

I only went to his apartment the one time and we just talked.

OK, he kissed me.

I admit it was an EA, but we never took things any further apart from that one kiss, and I told him no, in no uncertain terms.

What about this hotel receipt I just found

Fine, we went away for the weekend, when you went home that time to visit your mother in August...

When she was sick?

IN AUGUST 2013! How long has this really been going on

OK, I will come clean, we have been in a PA for 2 years...

 

Trickle Truth, It's Neither Trickle Nor Truth - ChumpLady.com

[eric1]

Simply recover the texts using Dr Fone or something.

 

Problem solved.

[m.snow]

Simply recover the texts using Dr Fone or something.

 

Problem solved.

 

this one. get an it guy!. so long as she did not factory reset you can recover data.

[road]

Go and tell the OMW. This affair needs to be exposed.

[GollumsNightmare]

The quckest way to end an affair is to shine some light on it. Retrieve the texts. Print them out. Deliver to his wife and his boss.

 

DO NOT TELL your wife you are doing this ahead of time. They will tell his wife YOU are the crazy one.

 

180. I am serious. That is your best shot right now. Every man thinks his wife is different and desperately wants to believe her lies that is was really nothing.

 

Women tend to fall in these relationships for the emotional lift they get from it. She has sex with him to keep the attention going.

 

Men tend to go into these relationships for the sex. He gives her the emotional lift to keep the sex going.

 

Not all of course, but you would be surprised how often these stories are so stinking similar. They are straight out of the same Cheater's Manual. They say the same damn things.

 

This is not your fault. She is telling you that you havent been attentive enough, etc to deflect from HER crappy behaviour. The "I love you but am not in love with you" is a common tactic they use. (ILYBINILWY)

 

Fine, take 50% of the problems in the marriage on your back. But the cheating? That is 100% on her. NOT YOUR fault. You were in the same lacking marriage. Did you cheat? There are ways to deal with problems in a marriage. Cheating is never ok.

 

Go see a lawyer. Get the best advice you can. That doesnt mean you have to file. I understand you want to save the marriage. Finding out your rights only helps you be stronger.

 

180. Read up on it. Google it. It is to help YOU. It also doesnt mean you are going to divorce. It means you are going to be the best you that you can be. That makes you stronger whether you stay or whether you divorce.

 

Strength from you (not aggression) is what is going to be the most appealing to her right now. Do not beg her to stay. Do not follow her around like a puppy. Do not go off on an angry tangent. Simply do the 180 and life will almost immediately get better.

 

Been there. Done that. Did everything wrong at first and want to help you make better choices...

Edited August 17, 2015 by GollumsNightmare

[italianjob]

I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

 

In other words you hoped someone would lie to you, so you can go on with your denial.

 

From your description of things there is no doubt that she's cheating and that it's physical (dirt on the inside of the jeans, come on...).

I also understand it's hard to take any major decision without a smoking gun.

 

Ask the technical guys in the forum to help you find a way to retrieve the tests, you may need a professional PI here, if you can afford it, because classical tecniques might be found out and used against you (if the OM is a policeman, he might be aware of them).

 

If you decide to investigate the matter, act around her like everything is fine and jolly, so she'll think she's fooled you and relax.

 

If, for any reason, you decide you don't want to look into it, just do me a favor and tell her you're not comfortable with this friendship and want her to stop seeing and talking to the guy. See her reaction, and ask yourself if you still really think she's telling the truth.

[TX-SC]

As much as this sucks, you now have doubts and will need to verify. Buy a VAR and install it discretely in her car and perhaps one for home as well. Use a key logger on her computer. Track her constantly for a while. Ask to see her phone. See if snap chat or any quick messenger is active. You could even hire. a PI or get a friend to tail her when she goes out.

 

Does she spend much time away from home without you?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sorry man. But yeah, "just friends?" Its never just friends. Never. Is it, or has it been sexual? Probably. At the very least there has been some fooling around. And you already know there has been lying and secrecy. This is what will undo you.

 

Now I'm not the run to a lawyer and divorce kinda guy. I happen to believe that damn near every marriage encounters this at some point and this place is the place you come once you discover it.

 

Wanna run out and get a divorce? Makes sense. But I think you are here because you DON'T want to do that right away. So my advice if you want the whole truth is to make it very easy for to answer your questions. Give her a safe place to talk to you and don't fly off the handle when you hear something you don't like. You already know the answers, but hearing her say them is still going to hurt like hell. Take it, and keep her talking and thank her for telling the truth.

 

It will takeso.e time, and you will hear a lot of BS and minimization in the process. ( she will go from saying some things never hapened, to saying it only hapened once, to finally admitting that it happened a bunch....that's just how it goes as they get more co.for table telling the truth)

 

If you want to save your marriage start focusing on the truth, and never lose focus on that. The details aren't what matter. What matters (if you want to rebuild your marriage) is that the two of you can talk like adults and be honest with each other.

 

If she can't get there, then call the lawyer.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well I don't already know the answer, I don't think I'll ever difinitively know. My head tells me that unless she actually confesses it will be a judgement call based on the evidence I have. Which is what I'm struggling with, actually there is a slim chance I could see her being truthful. I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

Sigh.

 

I'm going to count how many male "friends" I have that need 'advice' on their bad marriages, whose text messages I always delete, who I sneak out to a dark field to meet while telling my husband I'm going to the shops in town, and who I've purposely NEVER told my husband about so he has no clue they exist.

 

Hmm. Well now...that's odd.

 

I can't think of a one.

[Satu]

OP:

 

You have capitulated.

 

Instead of relentlessly pursuing the truth until you have it - in full, you have promised to 'be good' and do her bidding.

 

Such a bad decision...

[TX-SC]

The fact that she mentioned she isn't really happy in her marriage right now is a VERY BAD SIGN. She is setting you up for a fall. Proceed with caution.

[Lois_Griffin]

OP:

 

You have capitulated.

 

Instead of relentlessly pursuing the truth until you have it - in full, you have promised to 'be good' and do her bidding.

 

Such a bad decision...

Oh no. Another 'nice guy?' Gag.