Caught wife lying, is this cheating?

[strugglinghubby]

I mean what I said, I'm leaving if she doesn't come clean. Also if the messages are deleted I'm leaving as well. The thing is I know there are messages that have been deleted, if she ends up saying yes and there are big gaps between them I'll source her phone records and match up days/times of sent texts on the log with what's been recovered. If they don't match I'm leaving.

 

So basically the only thing that will stop me leaving is if she shows me them all, and they show that she hasn't been sleeping with him. The other stuff still hurts but I'm happy to try and work through that.

[qubist]

I mean what I said, I'm leaving if she doesn't come clean. Also if the messages are deleted I'm leaving as well. The thing is I know there are messages that have been deleted, if she ends up saying yes and there are big gaps between them I'll source her phone records and match up days/times of sent texts on the log with what's been recovered. If they don't match I'm leaving.

 

So basically the only thing that will stop me leaving is if she shows me them all, and they show that she hasn't been sleeping with him. The other stuff still hurts but I'm happy to try and work through that.

good luck my friend just expect the worst, there is a huge chance that the A went physical I hope I'm wrong but I will be surprised it wasn't a PA. with being said I still you can R as long as she is willing to put the effort. I just wanted you to be prepared mentally for the worst case scenario.

[m.snow]

WAIT!

 

Yes leave the marriage but don't ever leave the marital house.

 

If you leave the house and stay with relatives or an apartment. you lose BIG-TIME in a divorce battle.

 

so yeah you can leave the marriage but don't leave the house.

 

again its time to prepare yourself for new beginning

-keep that 180

-time to work out.

-get your A-game.

[Qboro90]

How long are you going to let her "make her decision". It's pretty simple yes or no. She might try to elongate it hoping you forget. Don't forget. Bring it up the next day. I think you should reach out to her phone provider and do it yourself or have her do it with you there in order to prevent her scheming some excuse as to why they can't be recovered. The fact that she told you no to begin with is a bad sign. Saying she said "bad things about you" was a last ditch effort for her to see if you'd back off. Bogus.

 

Remember she initially told you that she was just helping this other man cope and get through his tough times with his wife. But now she's telling you she was bad mouthing you to him in those texts. It's all a lie. Trickling out info when she's confronted with it.

 

You being "amazing" over the last week and asking her how things are going is pointless. Nothing will be better until the details of her affair are made public. Get to the bottom of it and don't stop until you do.

[elaine567]

The more amazing and affectionate you are here, the more she will feel she is getting away with all this and the more arrogant and sure of herself she will get.

Is she still in contact with him?

 

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons, but it is very, very rare that anyone is FORCED against their will to have an affair, they just WANT to have one.

You and she can "blame" your marriage for this, but many people in ridiculously bad marriages or even abusive marriages NEVER cheat.

 

It puts you in a stronger position if the questions you ask, you already know the answer to, so get hold of that call log now, be prepared. Buy a VAR and put it into her car NOW, or even better hire a PI.

 

By giving her space, all you are doing here is giving her and him the chance to take this underground.

YOU have already made this pretty easy. YOU didn't blow up, you are willing to believe her, and although you are threatening divorce she I guess doesn't believe you or she is unfussed about that threat as she is still holding you at arms length over the texts.

 

If I was in their position, I would have already bought new burner phones.

People in affairs are not stupid, they are often very involved with each other and do not want to stop seeing each other and so become increasingly cunning and devious to hide their tracks.

Be very aware of that, and do not keep showing your hand. Complacent people will get lazy and make mistakes, people on high alert will always have their backs well covered.

 

I also stress that if you know in your heart of hearts that you will not divorce her no matter how bad it gets, do not threaten that you will. It will put you in a very weak position in the future.

 

YOU: I will divorce you if you had a PA.

Her: OK, I had a PA.

YOU: I will divorce you, if you do not stop it now.

Her: Fine, but I am not stopping it, he makes me feel good.

YOU: Oh all right then, but I am not happy about it...

Her: And...

[cgiles]

Did you called the chief of the police station where this POS works ?

 

You should call him, and ask him if it's a new police procedure to meet married women in dark place alone.

 

As soon his work will be on peril, this POS will run away from your wife, throwing her under the bus.

 

And don't believe his/her words about him divorcing, go directly to the source, and ask his wife if the man who meets your wife in dark place alone is really divorcing her.

 

And your wife won't believe you will divorce her until she has been served, so made her being served.

 

You can ask for a polygraph to your wife, and tell her if she wants to prove her full commitment to you, she must accept it.

 

If she refuses, you know where she is.

 

Don't be a doormat or a plan B, don't forget you have kids, and you must show them what is selfrespect for they can learn it.

[strugglinghubby]

Well she's had all day at work to think about it. Comes home rather aggressive saying on one hand she's thinking about letting me, but on the hand me asking her is making her angry and hating me. Says it's unreasonable. I say to her the ultimatum stands, are you showing me or not? She says no, so I tell her that's it it's over. I've moved the majority of clothes into the spare room.

 

She asks if that's where I'm going to stay and I say yes until we finalise splitting everything (multiple properties etc). I also told her that when she's calmed down and not as angry/emotional we are having a conversation about what the ground rules will be until we finalise everything (eg child arrangements, financial terms etc).

 

That was one of the hardes things I've ever had to do, on par with speaking at my fathers funeral two years ago. Thank you for the harsh reality and making me see through he fog, and also thank you for the last comment from cgiles about not being a doormat and showing my child that you need to stand up for your self respect, I needed to hear that right now.

[La.Primavera]

Well she's had all day at work to think about it. Comes home rather aggressive saying on one hand she's thinking about letting me, but on the hand me asking her is making her angry and hating me. Says it's unreasonable. I say to her the ultimatum stands, are you showing me or not? She says no, so I tell her that's it it's over. I've moved the majority of clothes into the spare room.

 

She asks if that's where I'm going to stay and I say yes until we finalise splitting everything (multiple properties etc). I also told her that when she's calmed down and not as angry/emotional we are having a conversation about what the ground rules will be until we finalise everything (eg child arrangements, financial terms etc).

 

That was one of the hardes things I've ever had to do, on par with speaking at my fathers funeral two years ago. Thank you for the harsh reality and making me see through he fog, and also thank you for the last comment from cgiles about not being a doormat and showing my child that you need to stand up for your self respect, I needed to hear that right now.

 

I am so sorry. You are being incredibly brave and have handled this with a lot of dignity. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this hard time.

[m.snow]

Well she's had all day at work to think about it. Comes home rather aggressive saying on one hand she's thinking about letting me, but on the hand me asking her is making her angry and hating me. Says it's unreasonable. I say to her the ultimatum stands, are you showing me or not? She says no, so I tell her that's it it's over. I've moved the majority of clothes into the spare room.

 

She asks if that's where I'm going to stay and I say yes until we finalise splitting everything (multiple properties etc). I also told her that when she's calmed down and not as angry/emotional we are having a conversation about what the ground rules will be until we finalise everything (eg child arrangements, financial terms etc).

 

That was one of the hardes things I've ever had to do, on par with speaking at my fathers funeral two years ago. Thank you for the harsh reality and making me see through he fog, and also thank you for the last comment from cgiles about not being a doormat and showing my child that you need to stand up for your self respect, I needed to hear that right now.

 

bro ((hug)) i'm sorry!

 

i cant begin to imagine or measure the pain you must be going through right now.

but i hope you can take some consolation that you are not alone. many men and women have gone down that road.

 

Yes, as good men we must stand-up for what is right!

Edited August 18, 2015 by m.snow

[Celestial-dreamer]

How did she take the news of a D? Has she been begging you to stay at all? Has she offered any more info? Now I think you know she had a full on affair, are you going to expose it? If only its to his wife, she needs to know too. Maybe she has an idea, now she could get the truth. Sorry this happened, seems like its taken you completely by surprise. Good for you being strong and going ahead with the D, stay strong.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm sorry for what is happening to you. You are dealing with a person who cares more about her own pride than the father of her child's well-being. Unfortunately, she is not fit for marriage.

 

I would advise you NOT to contact the OMW or the OM's job. This is going to sound like an awful blanket statement, but I would never trust the self-control of a cop. From my experiences, the job seems to attract a particular type that is attracted to power, domination, force and superiority. In short, they're like the flip side of a criminal. There's no telling what kind of retaliatory acts you might be subject to.??

[Satu]

I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and didn't back down.

 

You should never have to fight for honesty.

[aliveagain]

Friend, she is clearly choosing to protect the other man over you, your child and your marriage. Who chooses that if their relationship with this person is meaningless? No loving wife lie's to her husband about meeting another man to help him with his relationship in a dark car park, specially if she's never mentioned his problem before. Women meet men in dark car parks so they are the only two there and can fu*k in her car without being noticed, yes the same car she drives your child around in.

 

She knows the phone has damaging proof of her affair, you've told her you will divorce her if you find the proof, she will choose to keep the proof from you because the end result is the same but she keeps her saintly image and blames you for the break up. Time to talk to the other man's wife and see what she knows. She may still have access to his texts. She may be in the dark just like you. You have drawn your line in the sand, you must defend it and call her bluff. Talk to a lawyer, protect your child, protect yourself financially. If it doesn't make sense it's because your being lied to. She talks to him at work, together they plan their stories against you, two against one. Level the playing field, talk to his wife, tell her what you know, see if she thinks meeting in dark car parks is innocent. Once the other man is put in a position of choosing your wife or his marriage, they almost always choose saving their own financial ass and throw your wife under the bus.

 

There is another thread on here, I think it is "Bust or not bust" and his storey is almost identical to yours. He just learned the truth about his cheating wife.

Edited August 18, 2015 by aliveagain

[mrnevi]

I'm sorry for what is happening to you. You are dealing with a person who cares more about her own pride than the father of her child's well-being. Unfortunately, she is not fit for marriage.

 

I would advise you NOT to contact the OMW or the OM's job. This is going to sound like an awful blanket statement, but I would never trust the self-control of a cop. From my experiences, the job seems to attract a particular type that is attracted to power, domination, force and superiority. In short, they're like the flip side of a criminal. There's no telling what kind of retaliatory acts you might be subject to.??

 

i don't agree to this, i say tell the om-wife.

 

yes do what is morally correct! if you don't tell the the OM's wife. that would be omitting the truth. lying still.

 

don't be afraid of the truth!

 

call the OM wife! Yesterday!

[eric1]

I admire your self-respect tremendously.

 

I have a significant amount of disagreement that you should not tell the OMW. It's an ethical imperative.

 

Let's be honest, the text messages contain proof of a physical affair. This may not be his first time at the rodeo and his wife may be exposed to STDs, from simple and curable, to life threatening (particularly without knowing she has been exposed).

[Silveron]

Since you know her apple id username / password there is a way to retrieve her texts.

 

 

It's a program I have used in the past and it works if the iPhone backs up to the icloud. It pulls the backups from icloud and parses the information. You can then see the text messages (as long as they are not deleted before the daily backup). The backup runs automatically so as long as it's turned on you will see the information.

 

 

Google Wondershare Dr. Fone, it's not cheap (like $75) but it might help in your situation.

 

 

I had to do this due to my wife doing something similar. Does it fix the root cause of the issue? No. But it gives you peace of mind that you are not living in someone else's lies.

[sandylee1]

i don't agree to this, i say tell the om-wife.

 

yes do what is morally correct! if you don't tell the the OM's wife. that would be omitting the truth. lying still.

 

don't be afraid of the truth!

 

call the OM wife! Yesterday!

 

I've heard of the OM LE officer exacting a very dangerous revenge, including murder. In some cases made to look like an accident or burglary gone wrong. Be very careful!

 

Do it anonymously. Tell her you've seen him texting 'some woman' he's having an affair with and knowing her as you do, she doesn't deserve this.

[SycamoreCircle]

i don't agree to this, i say tell the om-wife.

 

yes do what is morally correct! if you don't tell the the OM's wife. that would be omitting the truth. lying still.

 

don't be afraid of the truth!

 

call the OM wife! Yesterday!

I disagree. It's not lying, it's choosing to not involve yourself in a situation which is none of your business and which could be potentially dangerous. It is a cautionary measure.

 

Maybe the OM has an open relationship with his wife. Maybe she slept around on him. There's no telling.

 

One thing I can tell you, though---when you wage war on a person who thinks they're above the law, a person who has access to information and people which could threaten you, you're fighting a dangerous battle.

 

Choose your friends but more importantly choose your enemies.

Edited August 18, 2015 by SycamoreCircle

[m.snow]

I disagree. It's not lying, it's choosing to not involve yourself in a situation which is none of your business and which could be potentially dangerous. It is a cautionary measure.

 

Maybe the OM has an open relationship with his wife. Maybe she slept around on him. There's no telling.

 

One thing I can tell you, though---when you wage war on a person who thinks they're above the law, a person who has access to information and people which could threaten you, you're fighting a dangerous battle.

 

I for one believe that keeping the truth is the waywards way.

Irrational fear taking control.

 

the wayward thinking, if my best friend is cheated on by his wife that's his problem.

if i cheat on my wife that her problem.

if i cheat with my neighbors wife that's their problem.

i wont tell my wife i cheat she might kill herself.

i wont tell my friend cause he might kill himself.

 

~telling the truth is not waging war. telling the truth is setting free!

 

by not telling his wife you are condoning adultery. you are being dishonest.

 

guess what its already his business!

[jen1447]

I think the ultimatum was a good move and well-played.

[stillafool]

I agree with others that your wife is cheating. The dirt on her pants and in the car came from her being on the grown with him. When I lived in L.A. across from a park, it was incredible the number of cops who were over there at night *****ing. The park is their hotel. If I were you I would tell your wife since she and the cop are just friends let's invite him and his wife over for dinner. If she says no then tell her to invite him over so they can talk there instead of the park. If she agrees to have him over to talk with you present she may be telling the truth. If she disagrees you pretty much have your answer that they are far more than friends and doesn't want you around them together.

[Diezel]

This is going to absolutely blow your mind.

 

Her previous divorce was her fault, not his. She probably cheated on him too.

[lolablue17]

I'm so sorry for you man! Life's sucks sometines. On your first post I already knew that it's not 99% cheating, it's 100%. All the others here did analyze it for you.

 

I noticed that you're convinced she's cheating, but still have a very small doubt about it. Well, now you got your proof.

 

No woman, who wants to be married, takes a decision to ruin her family over few bad texts she'd written about you. It's ridiculous. She can't show you the texts, because she knows what's in there, she knows that the texts content will ruin the family anyway, because she'd cheated.

 

So now, it's time to take care of your interests only! You tell her to hand you her phone immediately or else you expose the affair to his boss (telling he takes your wife to dark places at night), tell the OM's wife, and notify her work collegues.

 

Time for actions, Don't agree to talk to her ever again about this. You'll only hear marketing campaigns. You will never hear the truth from her. Her lover can advice her on that. Always deny! he knows that when criminals don't admit, it's much harder to catch them. She's selling now, not talking.

 

So sorry.

[Clay]

You can bank money she is thinking your going go fold. She is probably also cleaning her tracks right now. I personally think you should stand your ground and just stick with the you had your chance and you blew it. Its amazing how cheaters think they can just do what ever they want and get away with it.

 

Get a lawyer and file right away. I wouldnt talk to her about anything except for how to divide the assets in the divorce. Let her see you are done.

 

C

[Chi townD]

Normally, I'm not an advocate of ultimatums. They never work out in your favor. I mean, look what happened. You gave an ultimatum and now you're divorcing (which is probably for the best). BUT! she came at you with a fire, hoping that you'd back down. You didn't, so good on you. That probably threw her for a loop.

 

 

But, will you PLEASE put that VAR in her car! After what just happened, I promise you that they are talking. You can find out what their game plan is. HOWEVER! If you find something out, DO NOT EXPOSE HER WITH THE VAR! You show her that you found out stuff through a hidden device, then you can never use it again. Plus, you would have to worry about your states wire tapping laws. So, keep it a secret.

 

 

BUT! now you should carry a VAR with you openly from now on. Her boyfriend is a cop. He knows ways to get you out of the house legally. He could tell her to start a fight with you and the moment you raise your voice, she'll be on the phone with the cops telling them that she fears for her safety and they'll throw you out of the house. If you have the VAR you have proof that you never raised your voice or threatened her in any manner. That VAR that you carry on your person is for your own safety.

 

 

And I WOULD tell you to inform the OMW, but you don't really have anything. You've got no concrete evidence. You can't actually prove any cheating occurred. At best, the only thing you have is an inappropriate relationship MIGHT be happening. And that can easily be explained away.

 

 

There's another way you might be able to see those texts if she has an iPhone. If she ever used the computer to charge up her phone, then that phone and the computer probably sync'd up. Therefore, there should be a hidden file on that computer that has all the texts from that phone. Just go online on that computer and download a iPhone/iTunes file extractor. Once you download it, you should be able to pull up that file and view those texts.

 

 

And if you can swing it. Hire a Private Investigator. If you know when and where they're going to meet up again. Have the PI get you the proof. YOU DON'T GO FOLLOWING AND TRACKING A COP! That will only get you into trouble. A lot of these PI's are former cops themselves, so they know how cops behave. And if this PI can prove that this cop is meeting up with your wife while on duty, that's his job right there. Now, you'll have the proof to show the OMW and his work and you got this information legally.

 

 

So, until then, do the 180 and see a lawyer.