Caught wife lying, is this cheating?

[cgiles]

You should read this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

[Cephalopod]

You have done well and I admire the strength you have shown so far.

 

But you know she has not told you the truth about the extent of her dalliances. It was more than groping and kissing and you know it. At the very least there was oral sex, but my vote is they had full blown intercourse. Lurid teenager sex in the back of a car. High class.

 

She's lying her ass off. Sorry.

 

You both need to get tested for STDs

[strugglinghubby]

Yes I know what it looks like, and if I was looking in from the outside I'd say there was a 95% chance they had sex.

 

But over the last few days we've been putting everything on the table. The text messages do indicate that they both wanted more to have happened, as in they were wanting it to proceed to more sexual things. It does read as though they made out and no more. My wife admitted she did want to sleep with him but they didn't. So really whether they did or didn't is irrelevant for me, she wanted to and that's as bad for me as actually doing it.

 

I've had a really rough couple of weeks, but think I've come out the other side. I keep very fit and resumed exercising, during several sessions outside trail running by myself I think I've actually come to terms with it. I told my wife what you did wasn't ok and never will be, it hurt. But I've accepted it for what it is. I still want to stay with you and I'm pulling this affair off the table as a reason for divorce. I told her that however if there's a next time, I won't even fight for you for one second. I'll be gone with no hesitation. I think she is genuinely sorry for what she did to me, and has been doing whatever she can to show/tell me. I told her neither of us will ever forget this but I'm not letting it define who I am. It's a ****ty situation but I'm using it to try and take some learnings out of it, to make myself a better man for me, someone I am more proud of than the man a month ago. I know I didn't pay her and our marriage the attention they deserved, I could've done better. That doesn't excuse what she did and the decisions she made but I acknowledge I contributed to those decisions being put in front of her.

 

On reflection yesterday I actually changed my view of myself. I was looking at myself as pathetic and soft for allowing this to happen. But actually I came to the realisation that it takes a hell of a lot more personal strength and courage to go back, open your heart up and make yourself vulnerable one more time to someone that has just hurt you so bad. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm proud of that man.

 

We are going to give it a shot, I thought the easy option is to just walk away. But if there is even a slim hope that we could save this, move on and rebuild it into something great then I owe it to myself to give it a shot.

Edited August 23, 2015 by strugglinghubby

[TX-SC]

Some people believe that anyone can/will cheat if given the opportunity. Others believe that some people are predisposed to cheating while others are not. I solidly believe the latter. What you have learned from this is that your wife is predisposed to cheat. I'm not saying she can't fight the urge, but she has shown that she has poor boundaries and coping skills. The old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not 100% accurate, but it does have some truth to it. The remainder of your marriage will consist of you ALWAYS second guessing her actions and motives. If she has to "work late" you will wonder. If she texts, you will want to know with who. If yiu have to leave town for a meeting, in the back of your mind you will wonder if she is really at home or out doing bad things.

 

You have chosen a noble path, but it will be difficult. Your marriage can never be the same. She was going to **** him if given the chance. Now you know what she is capable of. Good luck to you and good luck to her in figuring out why she chose the path of infidelity.

[Morro72]

We are going to give it a shot, I thought the easy option is to just walk away. But if there is even a slim hope that we could save this, move on and rebuild it into something great then I owe it to myself to give it a shot.

The key to future happiness - whether or not you stay together - is realistic expectations. If the experiences of others are any guide, you may be in for a few years of muddling through before "something great" becomes possible again.

[Josmatjes]

I'm struggling to figure this out/come to terms with it. I have no concrete solid proof but a bit of strong circumstantial evidence. We have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old, been together for 9 years. She has been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past and she has told me it completely tore her apart, and has told me if she ever catches me cheating she would cut my .... Off. Sort of joking, I don't think she would actually do anything like that.

 

Anyway I took her away for a kid free weekend for her birthday, get back on Sunday evening and pick our little one up from my parents house. She seems very off, didn't want to be there and was in a bad mood. She was on her phone a lot as well. I hurried and we left to come home. After a little while tells me she needs to quickly drop down to the shops. About an hour goes by and my gut was telling me something wasn't right, I log onto her iTunes account and use find my iPhone. It registers in a dark park near a football oval. Freaking out thinking she's been abducted etc I throw the little one in the car and drive there. As I'm pulling in to the park two cars drive out, I follow my wife and call her phone and tell her to pull over. She gets out and says its not what it seems, I ask the obvious questions, why are you sneaking off to meet someone in cars in a dark park etc. she says they're just friends and I tell her it's (the marriage) over.

 

Over the next few hours I'm upset, and asking her for explanations. She says its not what it seems, it's a guy she met who has come into her work (she's been finishing around 8-9 and he drops in after work) who is having marriage problems and she has been talking to him about it. She had deleted all text messages/calls from him and I asked why all the effort to lie and hide it, she said she's stupid and thought it would upset me if I found out she was friends with another guy. I've never been jealous before. She's known him for about 6 months and says she has met him outside of work once before for coffee. He is a police officer and I called him the next day at work and asked him straight out what was going on. He said just friends, and told me he's having problems at home. I asked why they went to a dark park and not somewhere more public if they just waned to talk, she said his wife was out shopping and if she saw them talking she would freak out as she's crazy.

 

Next morning I noticed that there was dirt on the inside of her jeans, and dirt on the floor mat of the car. I put this to her and she said again nothing happened, they were just talking. Said the dirt must've got in there over the weekend as she was wearing the same pants away, and told me to stop trying to find things. I know this looks extremely suspect, I'm not stupid and I know in 95% of cases this is flat out cheating. I asked her to swear on our little ones life that nothing was going on and that she had no feelings for him. She swore nothing was going on, and her feelings for him 'stem from wanting to try and help him' (actual words). Then after more questioning she starts telling me she's not happy with our relationship etc.

 

My question is, is it remotely possible she could be telling the truth, that nothing happened and all the evidence is purely coincidental? She's still talking to him as well, I asked to see the messages the day after and there were quite a few but it looked like some had been deleted. They all talk as just friends and no mention of any of this. I'd hate to keep taking this further and think that it could wreck our marriage and family on the slim chance if she is in fact telling the truth, but on the same token this is cutting me up. It happened over a week ago and I still run scenarios of what could have been happening through my head. How do I trust her again?

 

Ok, if she was innocently helping him than why not invite him to your house. Have a drink or coffee, introduce you so you don't get the wrong idea. But instead she meets him in a dark parking lot??

 

She has feelings for him and is lieing to you. I'm sorry....

[italianjob]

Yes I know what it looks like, and if I was looking in from the outside I'd say there was a 95% chance they had sex.

 

But over the last few days we've been putting everything on the table. The text messages do indicate that they both wanted more to have happened, as in they were wanting it to proceed to more sexual things. It does read as though they made out and no more. My wife admitted she did want to sleep with him but they didn't. So really whether they did or didn't is irrelevant for me, she wanted to and that's as bad for me as actually doing it.

 

I've had a really rough couple of weeks, but think I've come out the other side. I keep very fit and resumed exercising, during several sessions outside trail running by myself I think I've actually come to terms with it. I told my wife what you did wasn't ok and never will be, it hurt. But I've accepted it for what it is. I still want to stay with you and I'm pulling this affair off the table as a reason for divorce. I told her that however if there's a next time, I won't even fight for you for one second. I'll be gone with no hesitation. I think she is genuinely sorry for what she did to me, and has been doing whatever she can to show/tell me. I told her neither of us will ever forget this but I'm not letting it define who I am. It's a ****ty situation but I'm using it to try and take some learnings out of it, to make myself a better man for me, someone I am more proud of than the man a month ago. I know I didn't pay her and our marriage the attention they deserved, I could've done better. That doesn't excuse what she did and the decisions she made but I acknowledge I contributed to those decisions being put in front of her.

 

On reflection yesterday I actually changed my view of myself. I was looking at myself as pathetic and soft for allowing this to happen. But actually I came to the realisation that it takes a hell of a lot more personal strength and courage to go back, open your heart up and make yourself vulnerable one more time to someone that has just hurt you so bad. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm proud of that man.

 

We are going to give it a shot, I thought the easy option is to just walk away. But if there is even a slim hope that we could save this, move on and rebuild it into something great then I owe it to myself to give it a shot.

 

 

In brief, you're a delusional rug-sweeper who's trying to convince himself he's taking a strong stance, when in fact he's just too afraid to take serious action.

 

Good luck, you're really gonna need it IMO...

[CarrieT]

On reflection yesterday I actually changed my view of myself. I was looking at myself as pathetic and soft for allowing this to happen. But actually I came to the realisation that it takes a hell of a lot more personal strength and courage to go back, open your heart up and make yourself vulnerable one more time to someone that has just hurt you so bad. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm proud of that man.

 

But you did not ALLOW it to happen it all. You were the one who was taken advantage of...

 

Out of curiosity, what has your wife suffered through all this? I mean, what were the repercussions of her actions by you?

 

Seems as though she is getting off relatively scot free.

[Marc878]

the only one who can help you is yourself. The Calvary isn't coming. A good attourney would be wise.

[troubadour]

In brief, you're a delusional rug-sweeper who's trying to convince himself he's taking a strong stance, when in fact he's just too afraid to take serious action.

 

Good luck, you're really gonna need it IMO...

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree 100% with the above.

[jen1447]

Good luck OP. Again, you sound like you've got a pretty good grip on things imo.

[Imajerk17]

I always wonder when the WS says how sorry they are for cheating, if what they really mean is that they are genuinely sorry they cheated **and got caught**. I mean, if you hadn't found out that your wife was cheating by circumstantial evidence, when was she planning on breaking this off and confessing this to you. Did you ever ask your wife this question?

 

Good luck to you OP.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Imajerk17

[coryreply]

Just got caught up on everything. You're doing a great job, bro. I'm praying for you and your wife. Hang in there!

[strugglinghubby]

Thought I'd give an update, as I'm laying in bed next to my WS at 3am wide awake. We're still working on R but damn this is hard for the BS. I know my WS is doing everything she can to prove she loves me and I can trust her but there is an eternal struggle going on inside me trying to accept and move on.

 

This really sucks!

[qubist]

Thought I'd give an update, as I'm laying in bed next to my WS at 3am wide awake. We're still working on R but damn this is hard for the BS. I know my WS is doing everything she can to prove she loves me and I can trust her but there is an eternal struggle going on inside me trying to accept and move on.

 

This really sucks!

nobody said it was going to be easy. even if you decided to leave you would still be hurt.

What are you both doing to reconcile? Did you seek any therapy?

[stillafool]

OP, you sound like you've got things under control, so congrats on handling the situation well. The only concern I have is the nature of your relationship with your wife going forward. I know you're planning on therapy and whatnot, so that's good, but the way you describe things currently sounds like sort of a master/servant relationship. I know she's essentially the bad guy in all this but I wouldn't be able to condone one partner being demeaned as a new 'lifetstyle' on a permanent basis, no matter what she did. That's both for her sake, as she still has to retain human dignity to be healthy, and your marriage's, as I don't think a marriage can be healthy where one partner's fundamentally subservient to the other morally and practically.

 

If you can't regain a balance of mutual respect and standing, I doubt it'll survive in anything resembling a healthy manner.

 

I was wondering about the above also. I don't think I would want to stay married to someone I have to constantly police. Nor would I want to stay with someone who will never have the same level of respect for me that they had before. I think I would rather divorce and start over new.

[strugglinghubby]

Yes I've gone to see someone myself, but we haven't done any couples stuff yet. ive booked us a family holiday in Nov to a tropical island where they have a great kids club to entertain our little one. I'm hoping that we can reconnect while there.

 

It actually came to me writing her a 4 page letter explaining why I was leaving her, 3 key points; I felt she didn't respect me, I felt I couldn't let be up to the expectations she wanted from me, trust and honesty given the trickle truth etc. I was done, and I think she finally hit rock bottom and the enormity of what she'd done. Begged me and I stayed firm and said no.

 

The following day we came home after going out to lunch to discuss how we were going to do the split, and our dog had chewed a growth in his leg. Took him to an emergency vet and he had to be put down. We were sitting in the car outside the vet after, and it was the first time she completely opened up to me. Saying how she can't live her life without me, will do absolutely anything etc. it doesn't happen often once it's made up, but somehow she changed my mind in the car and I agreed to give it a chance. It was literally like I could see inside her soul, which I haven't been able to do with her in a long time.

[Marc878]

Not exposing to OM's wife was a huge mistake.

 

The affair was her fault 100%. She owns it.

 

You showed them there was no penalty for the affair.

 

He'll be back to enjoy her again, again and again.

 

She has the power not you. Time will tell.

 

I can only hope I'm wrong but I've seen this played out too many times.

[lolablue17]

I think that you had a chance to make it, if not the trickle truth issue.

 

The trickle truth show where do her instincts go. And in those very unique special moments, when you exposed her, you had the chance to see that her basic instincts are not directed to your direction. She didn't break down and told you everything.

 

So for me, her feelings like "she can't live without you", came only after a long long while... too long... The can't live without you came after a lot of thinking. it came from the mind... not from the heart.

 

You got a look to the inner side of her soul... Really? Her soul has probably many sides... You got to look at the side she let you. All true. But not the whole truth.

 

Since you have 50\50 chance, i wish you good luck!

[Running Man]

So you figured out your wife is cheating and then wanted to know the truth about what happened. But you also decide to let the other mans wife to continue be unaware of her husbands cheating?! Do you see the Hypocrisy in this? Good job in protecting the man who screwed around with your wife. Also good job in leaving the door open for him to continue contacting your wife as well.

 

Your wife is going to say whatever she thinks well get you to stay, but is she really sincere? If she cant confront the other mans wife and confess her cheating then its all garbage. Who will she/you protect, HIS Marriage or yours?

 

Remember your wife is the same soul who was going to continue to lie and screw around behind your back until you found out. She even got angry that you were questioning her activities.

[aliveagain]

Expose the other man, this is not about revenge, this is about doing what is right. She deserves to know. If you want an example of what happens when you don't expose just read Redbird Fly's post "Just Ended My Affair." This could be your situation.

[strugglinghubby]

Yes I will be telling the OM's partner if I find her. I don't know anything about her except for her first name. They have different last names, haven't been married. I've searched the various social media channels but can't find her, it's likely her settings are set completely private as he is a policeman, and is pretty much along the lines of what he was trying to tell my WW to do in order to continue to hide what they were up to, but I managed to get around that and expose what I have so far. He isnt on social media either (well at least I can't find him) so can't find her through his profiles.

 

She has a fairly distinctive number plate on her car and the suburb they live in is the one right next to ours. If I see her can I will be telling her, but I can't think of any other way to track her down. Believe me I've tried. I'm at a stage now where if I see her I'll be letting her know. I also need to be cautious, I'm not sure it would be viewed on too kindly if I were stalking a policeman and his family.

[m.snow]

its good that somehow you managing through this and having gone to R.

do what you feel you must.

but in all of this don't forget to go to IC and MC.

it should be for at least a year.

you'll have to get to the bottom of why your wife strayed.

see if those issues can be fixed.

financial stability is should not be the reason why wayward stayed.

 

you must fix one clear problem with your WW, her "failure to communicate".

 

on another note;

is she willing to sign a post nup?

 

OP, you sound like you've got things under control, so congrats on handling the situation well. The only concern I have is the nature of your relationship with your wife going forward. I know you're planning on therapy and whatnot, so that's good, but the way you describe things currently sounds like sort of a master/servant relationship. I know she's essentially the bad guy in all this but I wouldn't be able to condone one partner being demeaned as a new 'lifetstyle' on a permanent basis, no matter what she did. That's both for her sake, as she still has to retain human dignity to be healthy, and your marriage's, as I don't think a marriage can be healthy where one partner's fundamentally subservient to the other morally and practically.

 

If you can't regain a balance of mutual respect and standing, I doubt it'll survive in anything resembling a healthy manner.

 

BH does not need to totally spy on WW 24/7, still "Trust but Verify!" . WW has to be transparent with her activities.

 

without a doubt you can retain "Human Dignity". by being transparent.

 

-no locked phones

-bh access to email and social media

-remove OM from social media phone or other ways to communicate

-no secret accounts or phone

-if OM messages or contacts WW, you should be informed

Edited September 13, 2015 by m.snow

[Marc878]

I had a policeman try to make time with my wife once. I took her with me down to the station talked to the chief and filed a complaint.

 

I was younger and very alpha. They did a full investigation and come to find out there were multiple complaints. He wasn't terminated but given a lengthly suspension. His wfe filed for divorce shortly after.

 

Policemen are supposed to protect the community. They will take their reputation seriously.

 

This is your wife, your family, and you have every right to expose. What if this results in a divorce? It will affect you mentally, financially, etc. YOU have everyright to protect yourself/family.

 

I'd call the chief of police or their HR dept and request a meeting. If he comes back for more of your wife and you do nothing its on you for being to weak/timid. Be strong and expose. You did nothing wrong.

 

Defend whats yours or suffer the consequences.

[Marc878]

SH,

 

Not trying to be harsh to you. I want you to succeed.

 

You can download all your wife's deleted texts from her phone.

 

Keep the evidence. You may need it later.

 

In the future. You must have full transparency to all her email, phone, etc and give her yours. Cheaters always lie, deny and hide. She has earned your distrust. You must be willing to end your marriage in order to save it at this time.

 

Become alpha or lose! Take command of this situation. If you don't you'll regret it later. I promise.

 

One other thing. If those texts/calls were when the policeman was on duty. He's toast. You are in the drivers seat and don't know it.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Marc878