Caught wife lying, is this cheating?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would your wife believe such nonsense?

 

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See an attorney to understand your options.

 

If it was innocent why would she have gone to such lengths to keep it a secret?

She is playing you for a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Try]

She says its not what it seems, it's a guy she met who has come into her work (she's been finishing around 8-9 and he drops in after work) who is having marriage problems and she has been talking to him about it.

Her telling you that "its not what it seems" is the same as the Wizard of OZ telling everyone to ignore the man behind the curtain. Even she knows the obvious conclusion that must be draw by what you saw. The fact that he is discussing with your wife that he is having problems in his marriage, it the number one way that cheaters tell their target that they are available as their current relationship is coming to end. She is not a trained marriage counselor, family member, or even a friend of many years that knows the wife and can give advise. He was talking to her about his unmet needs and in the hope that she will met them for him.

 

A detailed study showed that only 3% of cheaters are ever actually caught in the act by their spouse. You came closer to catching them in the act than most. In states where cheating impact the divorce settlement, a PI having photos of what you saw would be about as good as it gets in proving cheating to the court, as they do not usually have porn photos of the two in the act. Stop talking to her as if their is a chance that she was not cheating with him in the park. It only makes you look like a chump to her.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Try

[Just a Guy]

Hi SH, It's sad to have to read your story, more so because what is obvious and what hits you in the face(That she is in a full blown affair) seems to elude you completely. Others here have given you sterling advice. Of course it is up to you to take it. If you do not then you are only preparing a bed of sorrow and pain for your self and you, and you alone, will have to sleep on it for a long time, perhaps for the rest of your life. Your best bet is to do what the others have suggested and adopt the 180 attitude with your wife, hire a PI and let him collect enough evidence with respect to your wife's affair, consult a lawyer as to your best course of action, take it, have her served if it transpired that she is cheating and move on. Sometimes you have to act like a Real Man to win the respect of those who think you're 'Yeller' and a gullible fool. Read the thread of Robbie on this forum and take inspiration from him. Warm wishes!

[bubbaganoosh]

If I were you, I would set up a polygraph test and not let her know until the day you have to take her so she doesn't blab to the cop friend and get pointers. If she gives you a hard time, let her know that she can either take the test or move out, nothing in between.

 

Then I contact the cops wife and let her know along with the chief of police and the town supervisors.

 

Then as a added point, ask her what would be going through her mind if she followed you to a dark part of a park and saw you with another woman and told her that the woman is having problems in her marriage. Ask her if she wouldn't feel the same way.

 

Don't play games. She already told you she isn't happy in the relationship so if I were you I would tell her to pack up and and be happy someplace else. Don't let her put her bag of dirty laundry around your neck.

[Chi townD]

Any married woman who is innocently and genuinely trying to help a friend with personal problems is up front about it, she takes him/her home to meet her husband, she tells her husband all about what he/she is going through from day one, they, husband and wife work as a team to help him/her.

She organises for a few other friends and colleagues to support him/her. She arranges nights out as a group to make him/her feel better.

 

She doesn't sneak around football pitches in the dark "talking" to HIM.

No married woman drives to meet a married guy in a dark place beside the football oval to "talk" about HIS marriage.

Of course they are having an affair.

And if they are still communicating they are still having an affair.

 

 

 

This turning around to "I'm not happy with our relationship" is a huge clue here, at that point she is basically admitting she was not innocently helping a man with his marriage and that there was a lot more to it.

 

 

 

THIS!^^^^ I couldn't agree more! If this was completely innocent, she could have told you about this guy up front and would have told you about his "Problem". If it was innocent, she could have been able to invite this guy over and sit at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and even bring your opinion into the conversation.

 

 

But here's the problem. You tipped your hand too soon. They know you're on to them and without concrete proof, the only thing you did was to teach them to hide it better. They're going to cool it for a while, but they're still going to contact each other. What you can do is go to the store and buy a voice activated recorder (VAR), then go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro and secure the VAR under the drivers side seat of her car. When it's safe, you can retrieve the VAR and listen to it. She knows she almost got caught, so there's no way she's going to talk to this guy around the house. So, she'll make her phonecalls when she's alone in the car and she thinks things are safe.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Polygraph or divorce. If (when) she fails it, then divorce.

[happyman64]

Hey Struggling Hubby,

 

 

Do you have an iPhone as well? Can your Wife track you?

 

 

Did she see you coming to the park and that is why she was leaving as you were arriving?

 

 

Do as Eric1 suggested.

 

 

Download her texts and read the deleted ones. Also put a VAR in her car.

 

 

You will know all you need to know quickly.

 

 

And do not show your W this website. Be smart yourself.

 

 

HM

[Mr. Lucky]

A quick search turned up these signs of an emotional affair:

 

You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex.

 

You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him/her than you do with your spouse.

 

You start comparing him/her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn't add up.

 

You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.

 

You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him/her.

 

You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him/her a secret from your spouse.

 

You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him/her.

 

You spend significant time alone with him/her.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Seems pretty obvious your wife is having an affair, whether it's emotional or physical the challenges to your marriage are the same. Buying into her denial solves nothing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[italianjob]

And keep in mind you don't get dirt on the inside of your jeans with an EMOTIONAL affair....

[jen1447]

My question is, is it remotely possible she could be telling the truth, that nothing happened and all the evidence is purely coincidental?

Possible, yes. Likely or even sth less than utterly implausible, no. It's also possible she was abducted by aliens and taken to the park, etc.

 

Sorry.

[m.snow]

so dirt inside her pants. means she dropped her pants on the ground. while they were talking about OM's marriage problems.

 

so half naked while talking. must have been a hot night. if you know what i mean.

 

so they had a secret meeting. alone together in the night at the dark quite side of the park.

 

where they discussing national security problems? they effin need that secrecy.

 

om's marriage problems or your marriage problems?.

 

this is just like that guy on the other forum who's wife stayed at 2 nights at a french guys single bed room apartment. he slept on the floor she said.

wife said it was totally platonic. and wife has already tickets to go to rome for a week with the french guy. but its totally platonic.

beside coming home in red hot lingerie. hell its totally platonic.

[singer23]

My question is, is it remotely possible she could be telling the truth, that nothing happened and all the evidence is purely coincidental?

 

 

No, there is no chance she is telling ou the truth. Google 'Gaslighting'

 

She couldn't wait to get back from the trip to f*ck her lover.

 

 

Well I don't already know the answer, I don't think I'll ever difinitively know. My head tells me that unless she actually confesses it will be a judgement call based on the evidence I have. Which is what I'm struggling with, actually there is a slim chance I could see her being truthful. I was hoping someone on here would be able to jump in and say yes, my partner had a secret friendship that was just a friendship and nothing more, not physical or emotional.

 

If I found her continuing to lie, I think that would tip me over the edge and just assume the worst. Plus it would break a major promise she said when all this broke that she would be completely honest with me going forward.

 

The part that really sucks is I've come out of this doing heaps of hard work trying to show her more attention/affection that she said has been lacking, and have to bear the cross that is trust issues and doubt that inevitably creeps into my mind. While she has pretty much waked out of this with nothing, except for apologising for hiding the friendship and not being honest with me.

 

 

Take her phone and recover her text messages. There are a million guides on how to do that on a iphone. Take the phone when she is sleeping and turn it off and hide it. Don't even argue if she will give you the phone. If she asks, just tell her later that she can have it back once you are done with the data recovery. And that if you find out that she has been cheating, you will report him to his superiors and expose both of them to family and mutual friends. Or she can tell you the complete truth on what is going on and you can two handle it amicably. or just hide the phone for a few days and do the data recovery and confront her.

[SoulStorm]

Two words,,

 

She's Cheating

[SoulStorm]

One more thing,

When someone is caught in a compromising situation and they immediately say it's not what it seems....

 

It's usually what it seems

[Morro72]

Some helpful English translations (Cheater -> English):

 

"It's not what you think it is" -> "We're having sex"

"We're just friends" -> "We're having sex"

"My wife is crazy" -> "My wife knows I'm having sex with your wife"

"Nothing is going on" -> "We're having sex"

"I want to help him" -> "I want to help him have an orgasm"

"Stop trying to find things" -> "Stop trying to catch me having the sex that I'm having"

"I'm not happy with our relationship" -> "I'm having an affair"

[GollumsNightmare]

I am sorry. It may seem as if people are unnecessarily harsh on here. Understand that we have been there and seen it on here so many times.

 

We really do feel for you and what you are going through. It hurts like nothing else in life. Our thoughts are with you.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Friend,

 

Well, I can't read her mind, but at the very least she is doing something secret that requires time away from you, and is covering for herself with a very transparent story.

 

So the smart money is, yes, she has a boyfriend that you're not supposed to know about.

 

Sorry and good luck.

[coryreply]

This doesn't look good at all, bro. I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your family.

[drifter777]

OP: I understand that you want people on here to tell you that just because of all the evidence you have that maybe she's not cheating. We don't lie on this forum. You get truthful opinions from people who have been betrayed and people who have cheated alike. When 99% of the poster's here tell you that, with the evidence you have shared with us, she is cheating then there is a 99% chance that she is cheating. She is emotionally in to him and she is having sex with him as often as possible. She'll even meet him for a quickie while you and your child are shopping and waiting for her to return.

 

Call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings right now. Any other action you take, like digging out her texts, are in support of the divorce. That is, unless you're willing to live a cuckold lifestyle and enjoy hearing about & watching her have sex with other men.

[strugglinghubby]

An update:

 

All week I've been making a really conscious effort to show her attention/affection. This morning I spoke to her in depth about where we are at. She said that the last week has been amazing, that she wants that going forward.

 

I said to her I still need help to be able to move forwards, there are seeds of doubt in my mind that won't go away. I want to believe you but you need to help me. I said to her that I would like to recover the deleted text messages between the two of them which she refused. I said you need to do this or we're over. She still refuses, and says that the text messages don't show that she's been sleeping with him, but that she has said some really bad things about me and doesn't want to hurt me by bringing them all back up again.

 

So I said to her she's missing the point. It's not about what's written in the txt messages (even though that is a huge part of it), but that I need to be able to know that you're willing to be completely open and honest with me going forwards. If you can't do that then we can't stay together. I said whatever is written we can work through and move forwards from, but I can't move forwards if she doesn't want to be open and honest. That's what's most important to me and I can't live like that.

 

So in summary she is making a decision, does she want to keep the txt messages private which will result in a divorce, or does she want to show them to me. It was so hard to have to say that to her, but the ball is in her court now. I guess I'll see how much she values our marriage.

[DKT3]

An update:

 

All week I've been making a really conscious effort to show her attention/affection. This morning I spoke to her in depth about where we are at. She said that the last week has been amazing, that she wants that going forward.

 

I said to her I still need help to be able to move forwards, there are seeds of doubt in my mind that won't go away. I want to believe you but you need to help me. I said to her that I would like to recover the deleted text messages between the two of them which she refused. I said you need to do this or we're over. She still refuses, and says that the text messages don't show that she's been sleeping with him, but that she has said some really bad things about me and doesn't want to hurt me by bringing them all back up again.

 

So I said to her she's missing the point. It's not about what's written in the txt messages (even though that is a huge part of it), but that I need to be able to know that you're willing to be completely open and honest with me going forwards. If you can't do that then we can't stay together. I said whatever is written we can work through and move forwards from, but I can't move forwards if she doesn't want to be open and honest. That's what's most important to me and I can't live like that.

 

So in summary she is making a decision, does she want to keep the txt messages private which will result in a divorce, or does she want to show them to me. It was so hard to have to say that to her, but the ball is in her court now. I guess I'll see how much she values our marriage.

 

One thing I've learned in these situations is if you don't mean it don't say it. If you don't plan to actually leave her don't say it. Now that you've said it you have to follow through. If she doesn't agree you have to start the process. If not this will not be the last time. I'm guessing that she is cheating and knows that you will leave her if you find out so she is taking her chances that she can call your bluff.

[eye of the storm]

Strugglinghubby, all you did by this is give her a chance to contact her cell carrier and find out how to permanently delete these messages.

 

 

I am sorry.

[drifter777]

An update:

 

All week I've been making a really conscious effort to show her attention/affection. This morning I spoke to her in depth about where we are at. She said that the last week has been amazing, that she wants that going forward.

 

I said to her I still need help to be able to move forwards, there are seeds of doubt in my mind that won't go away. I want to believe you but you need to help me. I said to her that I would like to recover the deleted text messages between the two of them which she refused. I said you need to do this or we're over. She still refuses, and says that the text messages don't show that she's been sleeping with him, but that she has said some really bad things about me and doesn't want to hurt me by bringing them all back up again.

 

So I said to her she's missing the point. It's not about what's written in the txt messages (even though that is a huge part of it), but that I need to be able to know that you're willing to be completely open and honest with me going forwards. If you can't do that then we can't stay together. I said whatever is written we can work through and move forwards from, but I can't move forwards if she doesn't want to be open and honest. That's what's most important to me and I can't live like that.

 

So in summary she is making a decision, does she want to keep the txt messages private which will result in a divorce, or does she want to show them to me. It was so hard to have to say that to her, but the ball is in her court now. I guess I'll see how much she values our marriage.

 

Meanwhile she'll find a cleaner app to get those text messages off of her phone before she gives it to you. She's not as dumb as you seem to think she is.

 

Just suck it up and move forward. You want her and nothing is going to make you divorce her at this point - short of (maybe) walking in on her in bed with the cop. Anyway, stop making yourself crazy and just try to do what she wants you to do and maybe you'll be happy. Or at least happy enough for now.

[qubist]

An update:

 

All week I've been making a really conscious effort to show her attention/affection. This morning I spoke to her in depth about where we are at. She said that the last week has been amazing, that she wants that going forward.

 

I said to her I still need help to be able to move forwards, there are seeds of doubt in my mind that won't go away. I want to believe you but you need to help me. I said to her that I would like to recover the deleted text messages between the two of them which she refused. I said you need to do this or we're over. She still refuses, and says that the text messages don't show that she's been sleeping with him, but that she has said some really bad things about me and doesn't want to hurt me by bringing them all back up again.

 

So I said to her she's missing the point. It's not about what's written in the txt messages (even though that is a huge part of it), but that I need to be able to know that you're willing to be completely open and honest with me going forwards. If you can't do that then we can't stay together. I said whatever is written we can work through and move forwards from, but I can't move forwards if she doesn't want to be open and honest. That's what's most important to me and I can't live like that.

 

So in summary she is making a decision, does she want to keep the txt messages private which will result in a divorce, or does she want to show them to me. It was so hard to have to say that to her, but the ball is in her court now. I guess I'll see how much she values our marriage.

you should've demanded the recovery immediately, because she will find a way to permanently delete them, if you read this tell her you need the phone right now or just tell her to wait to hear from your lawyer.

[DKT3]

Texts are easy to recover even without her phone. If she is on your plan simply call the provider and tell them you would like a log of the texts on your account. In several days you would have them all.