Caught wife lying, is this cheating?

[JS84]

Contacting the OM was a mistake. He has no incentive to tell you the truth whatsoever. And now that he definitely knows for sure that you're onto him, it gives him a chance to get in front of things with his wife if the need ever arises. SHE is the one you should be contacting, not him. Getting pissy with the OM and basically having to ask him if he's ****ing your wife, just makes you look weak. As others have said your wife should be the one you're getting answers from. You're not "gaming him" you're just tipping your hand. Because I'm sure whatever you say or text to him, is going to get back to your wife and allow them both to get their stories straight. And I assure you, she's not giving you the full story either.

 

Also your wife and this guy have been ****ing. And probably for a longer time than whatever she told you.

 

You should have her take a polygraph test. While not 100% reliable, they have spurned plenty of parking lot confessions.

 

Believe me you are nowhere near out of the woods yet, and I'm pretty sure the both of them are still in contact and still involved in their affair. It's VERY rare that cheaters end an affair cold turkey without any type of severe consequences put into place beforehand. Threatening divorce and moving into another bedroom is all well and good, but your wife hasn't had to deal with any real consequences put into place by you. You need to observe her actions, not her words. Because all she's been doing is lying and giving you trickle truth. She can swear on her kids lives till she's blue in the face, it means nothing. I've heard of plenty of cheaters swearing on their children's lives, parent's lives, the Bible, a loved ones grave, etc. Cheaters will say what they have to say to not get caught, minimize their actions, or keep their spouses in the dark as much as they can.

 

You need to still go through with the process of filing for divorce as well as the 180. Try to find a way to recover those deleted texts and tell your wife you want her to take a polygraph as you don't think she's telling you the full truth (which I promise you, she's not).

Edited August 21, 2015 by JS84

[strugglinghubby]

Another update, it's been a pretty tough few days/week. I ended up downloading a message recovery program and gave her the ultimatum, either you give me your phone or I'm out. She didn't want to so I took my ring off, gave it to her and said we're over then drive off. She starts texting me begging me to come back, that if she tells me everything do I still need to read the messages to which I said yes. The messages actually support that they never had sex, the football oval was the first time by the text messages that they got together. They talk of wishing more happened, maybe next time etc. There was also confession whitch matches the text messages of two other occasions in the following week where they met in his car in the car park outside of her work for a quick less than 5 min kiss etc. Fairly public place so I'm sure they didn't do anything else there.

 

She also has no idea about iPhone location services tracking which I took a look at while she was in the shower. That also shows only the one visit to the football oval over the last 6 months, and no visits to any other properties except her gym, work, parents house and our home. This matches with the text messages and again I'm pretty certain the hook ups were done once at the park and twice quickly in the car park at her work.

 

She has contacted the OM and told him they are severing ties completely and wants to focus on rebuilding her marriage. I've seen his reply whee he says the same. In a couple of weeks I'll run a search on her phone for the same phone number just to make sure she hasn't kept it under another name. There is no way she would be able to have two phones, I'm across all of of budget/expenditure so would notice when things don't add up.

 

We are currently in the phase of still living in the same house which I'm not leaving until any split if it happens is finalised through appropriate legal channels. I have some legal training/experience so I know what to do in this circumstance. I also earn significantly more than her so I'm already working through the best strategy to approach any split should it happen.

 

We have agreed to try and work it out, and given ourselves a timeline of about 5 months after which we will decide. I've told her I still love her but not as I used to, not as a husband can and that at this stage I can't give her the affection and intimacy she wants. I told her we have to take a step back and become friends again, while I work through if I'm able to put this behind me and move on. Didn't go down well with her but I told her bad luck, I'm calling the shots from here on, you've lost the right to dictate to me what I need to be doing in our relationship right now. The focus needs to be on me and what I need.

 

In a similar vein to the 180, I've taken back control of the situation. I'm running the show and calling the shots, I'm doing things for me first for a change which is helping a lot....now if only I could figure out how to stop re reading the text messages in my head and picturing what was going on in the car (especially while I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep) I'd be set.

 

This has taken a toll on me. I'm usually one of the most composed people you'll meet. But I've lost 4kg from an already lean (7% body fat from training) frame, struggling with insomnia, starting to fall behind at work, starting to get a cold and have a massive loss of appetite. I'm now focussing on me first, and realise I would be disgusted at the person I've become through this. I need to man up and get my balls back, including holding sex back until I'm ready for it and she's practically begging for it, like she was last night. She'll get it back when she deserves it...if she ever does

[qubist]

 

We have agreed to try and work it out, and given ourselves a timeline of about 5 months after which we will decide. I've told her I still love her but not as I used to, not as a husband can and that at this stage I can't give her the affection and intimacy she wants. I told her we have to take a step back and become friends again, while I work through if I'm able to put this behind me and move on. Didn't go down well with her but I told her bad luck, I'm calling the shots from here on, you've lost the right to dictate to me what I need to be doing in our relationship right now. The focus needs to be on me and what I need.

first of all I wish you all the good luck, but please make sure she understands this very well. she can't assume that you will be the same old you immediately. she will have to put the efforts to help you achieve that , you guys might need professional help like a therapist. she needs to know that it is a process that would require patience

[Clay]

I understand your feeling better about things but something does not seem right. No one fights to conceal there text messages just because they kissed. You have told her repeatedly that you would leave with out the full truth and she has dragged you through the mud over that. I seriously doubt they did not have sex. It might not be mentioned in a text but to the level she has fought to hide this guy that connection with him has been made. I doubt seriously this will be the last of this issue for you.

 

I personally hope I am wrong and I hope you are able to repair your marriage but I just don't understand why she would go to that great of a length without something physical being there.

 

C

[strugglinghubby]

Yes good points. I'll be deleting this thread tomorrow morning (too much identifiable information in my posts) and sending her the link to the thread about what every WS should know. I just read through it, was a fantastic articulation of everything I'm feeling right now, and everything I need in terms of support.

 

I've booked a well renowned clinical psychologist for myself and a different clinical psych for couples therapy. I'm hoping this helps.

 

Lastly before this thread goes if I don't get another chance I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone that made the time to read and provide comment. What a great support network for people going through similar things for the first time.

[CarrieT]

Yes good points. I'll be deleting this thread tomorrow morning

Sorry, once on the web - always on the web.

 

These posts are not deletable.

[Clay]

Personally you should let her read it. You should let her see what the other people are saying about this situation. You never know it might open her eyes to the damage she is done in a whole new way. Rebuilding any relationship takes complete honesty. Yes even if it hurts yours or her feelings.

 

C

[LifesontheUp]

SH

 

I am sorry to read what you are going through, damn its hard, I know.

 

Something is bothering me too about her reaction to the text messages.

 

Also, more significantly, how do you get over the fact that despite you having caught her at the football pitch she went ahead and met him a further two times? You will need to find out how long this is going on, because to put your marriage at such risk for a further 2 get togethers, makes me think this was way more than you know.

 

I wish you luck

[qubist]

Yes good points. I'll be deleting this thread tomorrow morning (too much identifiable information in my posts) and sending her the link to the thread about what every WS should know. I just read through it, was a fantastic articulation of everything I'm feeling right now, and everything I need in terms of support.

 

I've booked a well renowned clinical psychologist for myself and a different clinical psych for couples therapy. I'm hoping this helps.

 

Lastly before this thread goes if I don't get another chance I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone that made the time to read and provide comment. What a great support network for people going through similar things for the first time.

StrugglingHubby: thank you for sharing your story with us as every experience is a lesson to all of us here. I think you are a fine man and wish you the best. You are doing the right thing MC will help both of you see what went wrong in your marriage from all angles, the thread about what every WS should know is an excelant thread will help her and prepare her for the road ahead

good luck strugglinghubby, I hope your next nick name would be happyhubby

[aliveagain]

May I suggest you get her into independent counselling first before you spend too much money on couples counselling. Without knowing the root of the problem that allowed her to give herself the go ahead to cheat you may be spinning your wheels. The man is a predator and knew what to look for when he went after your wife. He needs to be exposed to his wife for the POS he really is. He may be after one of our wives or girlfriends next. I doubt this is his first rodeo.

 

You both need to be tested for STD's because STD's can be spread through the transfer of saliva and even by finger insertion. You need to specifically ask for the Herpes test. The humiliation factor of the testing is a huge deterrent against future infidelities. It's also a reality check on how serious affairs can be when you risk not only yourself but your spouses life when you pursue infidelity. I hope you have all the truth now and make her work to get you back or it all means nothing. Hope you both survive this whole.

[Diezel]

I have a feeling that the "working on it" part is only going to apply to him. She'll do it again in a few weeks, once she's back to feeling comfortable in the relationship.

 

I don't understand why people put themselves in a position to have this happen again and again.

 

Life is too short for this.

[m.snow]

. I need to man up and get my balls back, including holding sex back until I'm ready for it and she's practically begging for it, like she was last night. She'll get it back when she deserves it...if she ever does

 

holding sex back until i'm ready for it? pls don't hold back and do have sex with her.

[eye of the storm]

Am I the only one who wonders if she is begging for sex because she is pregnant and wants to pin it on her H?

[elaine567]

Am I the only one who wonders if she is begging for sex because she is pregnant and wants to pin it on her H?

 

It is not an unknown scenario.

[jen1447]

OP, you sound like you've got things under control, so congrats on handling the situation well. The only concern I have is the nature of your relationship with your wife going forward. I know you're planning on therapy and whatnot, so that's good, but the way you describe things currently sounds like sort of a master/servant relationship. I know she's essentially the bad guy in all this but I wouldn't be able to condone one partner being demeaned as a new 'lifetstyle' on a permanent basis, no matter what she did. That's both for her sake, as she still has to retain human dignity to be healthy, and your marriage's, as I don't think a marriage can be healthy where one partner's fundamentally subservient to the other morally and practically.

 

If you can't regain a balance of mutual respect and standing, I doubt it'll survive in anything resembling a healthy manner.

[eric1]

Make sure it's been properly exposes to your wife's boyfriends husband

 

STD test

 

Written timeline

 

Schedule poly

 

Complete transparency

 

 

Good on deleting the thread and best of luck. Remember that google probably has indexed it, but it's not likely she'll use google to search for your username plus the site name. She'll likely use the search here.

[sandylee1]

SH

 

Can I suggest that you find that wayward list somewhere else online instead of here, as there is no delete thread function.

 

You can find a similar list of surviving.infidelity.com or Google it elsewhere. Keep her away from Loveshack.

[lolablue17]

Good Luck!

 

I wish you to be happy. You seems like a good man.

[qubist]

SH

 

Can I suggest that you find that wayward list somewhere else online instead of here, as there is no delete thread function.

 

You can find a similar list of surviving.infidelity.com or Google it elsewhere. Keep her away from Loveshack.

 

If you don't mind can you tell us why

[kgcolonel]

More than likely so his wife doesn't see all that has been said, speculated etc on this particular thread. He expressed concern earlier about this....

[strugglinghubby]

I ended up finding a copy of that post on another website and sent it to her, so I'm not going to bother to take this down. It can serve as a further education point for others in the future.

 

I should reframe what I was saying about taking back control - I was meaning of myself. I don't like the person I've become through this and I want to get back to the man I can be. I hate that I've become so erratic, untrusting, insecure, and this general cheated and worthless feeling. I'm not that man and I need to take control of myself to get him back. The sex part was because we did sleep together a couple of nights ago and I had visions of the two of them running through my mind the whole time. It was way too early, and I need to hold that back until I'm in a space where I can connect with her in the right way.

 

I've been suggesting some individual counselling for her but she's not a believer. I see she needs something though, she keeps saying she can never forgive herself for what she's done, doesn't deserve me, deserves to be miserable for the rest of her life etc. it's pretty tough having to try to sort myself out and try to be there as a support person for her. But if there's even a slim hope we can get back to where we need to be I owe it to myself to try. But not forever, and not at the expense of my health or our little one.

[aliveagain]

I ended up finding a copy of that post on another website and sent it to her, so I'm not going to bother to take this down. It can serve as a further education point for others in the future.

 

I should reframe what I was saying about taking back control - I was meaning of myself. I don't like the person I've become through this and I want to get back to the man I can be. I hate that I've become so erratic, untrusting, insecure, and this general cheated and worthless feeling. I'm not that man and I need to take control of myself to get him back. The sex part was because we did sleep together a couple of nights ago and I had visions of the two of them running through my mind the whole time. It was way too early, and I need to hold that back until I'm in a space where I can connect with her in the right way.

 

I've been suggesting some individual counselling for her but she's not a believer. I see she needs something though, she keeps saying she can never forgive herself for what she's done, doesn't deserve me, deserves to be miserable for the rest of her life etc. it's pretty tough having to try to sort myself out and try to be there as a support person for her. But if there's even a slim hope we can get back to where we need to be I owe it to myself to try. But not forever, and not at the expense of my health or our little one.

 

Why is counselling her choice, make it a requirement of reconciliation. Agree with her she doesn't deserve you because of her actions but your willing to work with her and help her to get to a healthy place if she commits to doing the hard work that all good relationships require. If she won't commit to doing the work your doomed to fail so it's better you know now so you can plan for your exit.

[understand50]

OP, you sound like you've got things under control, so congrats on handling the situation well. The only concern I have is the nature of your relationship with your wife going forward. I know you're planning on therapy and whatnot, so that's good, but the way you describe things currently sounds like sort of a master/servant relationship. I know she's essentially the bad guy in all this but I wouldn't be able to condone one partner being demeaned as a new 'lifetstyle' on a permanent basis, no matter what she did. That's both for her sake, as she still has to retain human dignity to be healthy, and your marriage's, as I don't think a marriage can be healthy where one partner's fundamentally subservient to the other morally and practically.

 

If you can't regain a balance of mutual respect and standing, I doubt it'll survive in anything resembling a healthy manner.

 

I ended up finding a copy of that post on another website and sent it to her, so I'm not going to bother to take this down. It can serve as a further education point for others in the future.

 

I should reframe what I was saying about taking back control - I was meaning of myself. I don't like the person I've become through this and I want to get back to the man I can be. I hate that I've become so erratic, untrusting, insecure, and this general cheated and worthless feeling. I'm not that man and I need to take control of myself to get him back. The sex part was because we did sleep together a couple of nights ago and I had visions of the two of them running through my mind the whole time. It was way too early, and I need to hold that back until I'm in a space where I can connect with her in the right way.

 

I've been suggesting some individual counselling for her but she's not a believer. I see she needs something though, she keeps saying she can never forgive herself for what she's done, doesn't deserve me, deserves to be miserable for the rest of her life etc. it's pretty tough having to try to sort myself out and try to be there as a support person for her. But if there's even a slim hope we can get back to where we need to be I owe it to myself to try. But not forever, and not at the expense of my health or our little one.

 

strugglinghubby,

 

I would urge that you continue to post. Reconciliation is not a easy thing to do, and we can give a little insight. There are a few here that have successfully reconciled, and can help, or at least tell you what we did. Also, there will be more who will urge you to divorce, and they can keep you on task with your wife, as if she starts going down bad paths again, you will have that option.

 

Please read, if you have not, jen1447's, post. It does point out what you are aiming for in the long run with her. Can not say it better myself.

 

My last advise, is that some point you will need to take "divorce" for the cheating off the table. This cannot be a life time ticket out of the marriage at anytime you feel to use it. Lastly, I would really refrain from using her bad behavior against her on other issues. Only remind her if it is germane to what you both are "fighting" or talking about.

 

I wish you both luck and hope you can regain your relationship and marriage.

[elaine567]

I ended up finding a copy of that post on another website and sent it to her, so I'm not going to bother to take this down. It can serve as a further education point for others in the future.

 

 

YOU cannot remove threads that have been replied to, even if you wanted to, on LS.

[sandylee1]

I ended up finding a copy of that post on another website and sent it to her, so I'm not going to bother to take this down. It can serve as a further education point for others in the future.

 

 

Good job.

 

It's best for you to have your own safe place to post.

 

Hopefully she'll be able to follow the list.

 

I know a PA was a dealbreaker for you. I'm glad that nothing pointed to intercourse actually taking place. Sometimes, the knowledge that the only reason it didn't go that way was due to lack of opportunity has its own pain.