Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 If anyone has read my other threads here they will see that I was sort of in an online emotional affair but in actuality it was more like inappropriate chatting and inconsequential mindless chaos that I'm still recovering from. Right now, I'm needy, fragile and ashamed but ready to explore issues. I feel like an affair target because of my emotional state and I'm not sure how to change since I've done all the "right" things. I can go out and get busy with activities, meet girlfriends and do good deeds but I'm still a target. "Wherever you go there you are." It got me thinking I'm probably not the only one. Do other people who engage in affairs start off like me? Like an accident waiting to happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 What do you mean by "affair target"? Are you feeling targeted or are you saying you are ripe for an affair? How one handles behaviors/issues that they aren't happy with, I would suggest therapy to deep dive the issues and put in actions/thinking that is more to the ideal you are looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 What do you mean by "affair target"? Are you feeling targeted or are you saying you are ripe for an affair? How one handles behaviors/issues that they aren't happy with, I would suggest therapy to deep dive the issues and put in actions/thinking that is more to the ideal you are looking for. I do feel as if I'm "ripe" for an affair. Not a physical one but an emotional one. Yes, going to therapy is one choice which I'll need to get serious about. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I do feel as if I'm "ripe" for an affair. Not a physical one but an emotional one. Yes, going to therapy is one choice which I'll need to get serious about. Then you need to deep dive why you are and what you want to do about it. Do you want to have an affair? If you don't, what perimeters will you put in to prevent it? It is all about choices, so you have full power to go in whatever direction you want to. Just be honest with yourself and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Then you need to deep dive why you are and what you want to do about it. Do you want to have an affair? If you don't, what perimeters will you put in to prevent it? It is all about choices, so you have full power to go in whatever direction you want to. Just be honest with yourself and go from there. No. I don't want to have an affair. I do like attention and validation but I don't want to hurt my marriage. That is where I'm at right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hi Heather, I would suggest that you go for Past life Regression Therapy. Look up Dr. Brian Weiss's books on Past Life Regression. You will find that your problem may lie in the past and if you revisit the incident during your therapeutic sessions the unresolved issues get sorted out and you will find yourself a happy and healthy person again. It is worth a try. Google Dr. Weiss and read about his work. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hi Heather, I would suggest that you go for Past life Regression Therapy. Look up Dr. Brian Weiss's books on Past Life Regression. You will find that your problem may lie in the past and if you revisit the incident during your therapeutic sessions the unresolved issues get sorted out and you will find yourself a happy and healthy person again. It is worth a try. Google Dr. Weiss and read about his work. Cheers! Thank you for the info. but can't my issue be due to stuff I've encountered in this life? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 No. I don't want to have an affair. I do like attention and validation but I don't want to hurt my marriage. That is where I'm at right now. Okay, so you need to look into that. I know there are good books on it. Is it specific validation? Can you channel the validation into "good" areas like a hobby, sport, career actions that won't hurt your marriage? Does it need to be sexual attention? Discuss with your husband and give him the low down on it. Tell him you are needing validation from him and not getting it and what he could do to meet you half way. Suggest couples counseling for the two of you. While we should all be able to validate ourselves there is some reasonable external validation that is needed but can be done in healthy manners. I have found one of the best "self checks" is to be completely transparent with the spouse. When you need to be completely honest the anxiety of needing to divulge, x, y and z may stop the behavior in its tracks. You may be able to get what you need from your marriage, you may not, but I would advice turning over every rock so you can feel, within yourself, that you exhausted every avenue. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 If anyone has read my other threads here they will see that I was sort of in an online emotional affair but in actuality it was more like inappropriate chatting and inconsequential mindless chaos that I'm still recovering from. Right now, I'm needy, fragile and ashamed but ready to explore issues. I feel like an affair target because of my emotional state and I'm not sure how to change since I've done all the "right" things. I can go out and get busy with activities, meet girlfriends and do good deeds but I'm still a target. "Wherever you go there you are." It got me thinking I'm probably not the only one. Do other people who engage in affairs start off like me? Like an accident waiting to happen? Heatherknows, I have read all of your threads, and I know that you are truly upset that you could be involved in anything that even smacks of infidelity. This is a good things, but I have a question for you and you need to let yourself have a true honest answer. Is there a part of you that would like the excitement of an affair? You do not have to reply to me, but ask and answer for yourself. Yes you can be all of what you say above, but in the end you have free will, and it is up to you to be faithful to your husband, or end your marriage if you cannot be. Being all of these thing does not let you off the hook, or give you a free pass. In the end it is up to all of us to decide how to live our life and accept the consequences of our actions. Wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hi Heather 'Where ever you go, there you are.' You called? What makes you feel vulnerable to cheat now, what's happening in your life? What are you missing from your relationship with your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) Heatherknows, I have read all of your threads, and I know that you are truly upset that you could be involved in anything that even smacks of infidelity. This is a good things, but I have a question for you and you need to let yourself have a true honest answer. Is there a part of you that would like the excitement of an affair? You do not have to reply to me, but ask and answer for yourself. Yes you can be all of what you say above, but in the end you have free will, and it is up to you to be faithful to your husband, or end your marriage if you cannot be. Being all of these thing does not let you off the hook, or give you a free pass. In the end it is up to all of us to decide how to live our life and accept the consequences of our actions. Wish you luck. I'm here to get better and I'll answer any questions as truthfully as I can. Yes. I wanted the excitement of the affair. Each time I looked at my inbox and saw a little red dot that indicated I had a message from that guy my heart beat faster. I couldn't wait to open it and was almost always disappointed at the content. In hindsight, I think he didn't really want to sleep with me; his goal was to control, manipulate and exploit me. I don't even think he likes women. Not in general and not sexually but that's his business. In my fantasies he was a handsome alpha male who only wanted me and lots of his emails and phone calls played nicely into that fantasy. Anyone listening would have thought that he was so into me but I know better. I know how he lies and talks about others. I could only imagine the stories he's weaving about me but it's better I don't. Yes. I wanted the excitement. I wanted the passion. I wanted what wasn't real. Now I'm trying to learn to be happy and satisfied with reality. Reality isn't as exciting as the romance novel that plays only in my head. I feel pretty stupid admitting these things. Edited August 17, 2015 by Heatherknows Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Yes. I wanted the excitement. I wanted the passion. I wanted what wasn't real. Now I'm trying to learn to be happy and satisfied with reality. Reality isn't as exciting as the romance novel that plays only in my head. I feel pretty stupid admitting these things. Reality can be pretty great, but you have to work at creating that reality. Living in fantasy is preventing you from creating a satisfying reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hi Heather 'Where ever you go, there you are.' You called? What makes you feel vulnerable to cheat now, what's happening in your life? What are you missing from your relationship with your husband? I'm beginning to have a sexual relationship with my husband again. But for years he was too distracted by work issues and dealing with his elderly mother that our sex life was completely dead. Years went by when we didn't even have sex once. I tried to be the aggressor but that's not what I like. I like being pursued for sex. We are working on this issue now. Finally. But it's only the beginning and I'm still a little sex starved. (Reading book about it "The Sex Starved Wife" hidden for my husband not to see.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Reality can be pretty great, but you have to work at creating that reality. Living in fantasy is preventing you from creating a satisfying reality. I am working on creating a better reality. First by taking time to appreciate what I have. And second to continue to look for things that may bring more passion and excitement into my life without ruining my marriage. I don't think taking a pottery class as per my mom's suggestion will do it. But something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I am working on creating a better reality. First by taking time to appreciate what I have. And second to continue to look for things that may bring more passion and excitement into my life without ruining my marriage. I don't think taking a pottery class as per my mom's suggestion will do it. But something. Blah. I'm kind of reluctant to ask this Heather because I don't want to put you in an awkward position. I like you and admire you for tackling this issue. But, sometimes people trade passion for security. They marry the "looks good on paper" guy despite that "something special" missing. They opt for a marriage made up of "safe and sane" fireworks instead of Roman Candles and bottle rockets--because the "known" frankly appeals. How much is this about NEVER having ever truly felt passion/attraction/connection with your husband--and regretting that? I dont doubt you love him as a friend but has he ever really rung your bell? The solution may not lie in recapturing passion with your husband, because it never existed. Maybe the restlessness comes from feeling you took the safe route--but now you're braver, and wanting a relationship that has it all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Blah. I'm kind of reluctant to ask this Heather because I don't want to put you in an awkward position. I like you and admire you for tackling this issue. But, sometimes people trade passion for security. They marry the "looks good on paper" guy despite that "something special" missing. They opt for a marriage made up of "safe and sane" fireworks instead of Roman Candles and bottle rockets--because the "known" frankly appeals. How much is this about NEVER having ever truly felt passion/attraction/connection with your husband--and regretting that? I dont doubt you love him as a friend but has he ever really rung your bell? The solution may not lie in recapturing passion with your husband, because it never existed. Maybe the restlessness comes from feeling you took the safe route--but now you're braver, and wanting a relationship that has it all. I'm very attracted to my husband but that's not the same as passion. I want to stay with my husband regardless of why I married him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I'm beginning to have a sexual relationship with my husband again. But for years he was too distracted by work issues and dealing with his elderly mother that our sex life was completely dead. Years went by when we didn't even have sex once. I tried to be the aggressor but that's not what I like. I like being pursued for sex. We are working on this issue now. Finally. But it's only the beginning and I'm still a little sex starved. (Reading book about it "The Sex Starved Wife" hidden for my husband not to see.) Ok, so in the course of marriage, you definitely hit a valley to say the least. Par for the course. This sounds simple but how often do you two go for a walk together? After dinner, first light. Do you do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Ok, so in the course of marriage, you definitely hit a valley to say the least. Par for the course. This sounds simple but how often do you two go for a walk together? After dinner, first light. Do you do that? Yep. We are starting to do those things. This past weekend we went to the beach and had a nice time. It's more of those things I think we need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 No. I don't want to have an affair. I do like attention and validation but I don't want to hurt my marriage. That is where I'm at right now. As long as you are craving that type of attention and validation, yes you are an affair target. I'd say those more than sexual reasons are the main drivers for why people have affairs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 As long as you are craving that type of attention and validation, yes you are an affair target. I'd say those more than sexual reasons are the main drivers for why people have affairs. ^^Agree. Maybe give marriage counseling a try. I don't think individual counseling will help you. I think your issues are tied to your husband. Otherwise, you wouldn't be seeking attention from other men. You clearly aren't happy in your marriage which is 100% the reason why people cheat on their spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Yep. We are starting to do those things. This past weekend we went to the beach and had a nice time. It's more of those things I think we need. Yep. I don't have to say that it starts there, you know. Keep this up. It is your companionship, the mind stir that breeds the passion. Talk to each other. Walk and play with each other.......attraction is there. Flirt, talk, play and tease him. (Remember?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 ^^Agree. Maybe give marriage counseling a try. I don't think individual counseling will help you. I think your issues are tied to your husband. Otherwise, you wouldn't be seeking attention from other men. You clearly aren't happy in your marriage which is 100% the reason why people cheat on their spouse. I appreciate the input writergal re: MC but my husband won't go. I'm hoping I can fix this on my side. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you for the info. but can't my issue be due to stuff I've encountered in this life? Um...absolutely. Before you try to figure out of Civil War Heather is to blame, I'd focus on 2015 Heather. Some of this thinking is flawed from the start. A remorseful and repentant wayward is NOT marked with some sign like Harry Potter's lightning scar. That is basically OTHER people's judgment. You restore your character, boundaries, and honor, and you won'thave to worry about men seeing "I once cheated" radar. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I appreciate the input writergal re: MC but my husband won't go. I'm hoping I can fix this on my side. Hmm. That your husband won't go with you to marriage counseling is a huge red flag. It's like he's invalidating your feelings by denying you the right to discuss your issues concerning him, with the help of a counselor. Maybe he doesn't want to be held accountable? Maybe he's the type of guy whose attitude is "it's my way or the high way." Is he even emotionally available to you as his wife? Does he care about your feelings? Ask you about them? Listen to you when you share your concerns? Marriage takes two. He needs to get onboard and take responsibility for his part or your individual counseling won't be effective as far as repairing whatever issues have arisen in your marriage. Your husband contributes to the marriage, so he needs to participate in your healing too because he's partially responsible. If its due to his emotional neglect, he needs to be held accountable. Does that make sense? It doesn't make sense that your marriage would be perfect, yet you seek out validation from men online. Somehow, your husband is refusing to give you something in the marriage -- his attention, emotional intimacy. He is withholding something from you that has triggered your desire for attention. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Hmm. That your husband won't go with you to marriage counseling is a huge red flag. It's like he's invalidating your feelings by denying you the right to discuss your issues concerning him, with the help of a counselor. Maybe he doesn't want to be held accountable? Maybe he's the type of guy whose attitude is "it's my way or the high way." Is he even emotionally available to you as his wife? Does he care about your feelings? Ask you about them? Listen to you when you share your concerns? Marriage takes two. He needs to get onboard and take responsibility for his part or your individual counseling won't be effective as far as repairing whatever issues have arisen in your marriage. Your husband contributes to the marriage, so he needs to participate in your healing too because he's partially responsible. If its due to his emotional neglect, he needs to be held accountable. Does that make sense? It doesn't make sense that your marriage would be perfect, yet you seek out validation from men online. Somehow, your husband is refusing to give you something in the marriage -- his attention, emotional intimacy. He is withholding something from you that has triggered your desire for attention. In his defense he does admit that he has been neglectful. But even if he admits his neglect I can still feel it missing. I know I have problems and I'm trying to fix them but it can't be all my fault because your right marriage takes two. And if I was so terrible why would he continually say "You're a great wife." He says this knowing about my flirting. Link to post Share on other sites
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