jen1447 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Wow - he knows about your EA and flirting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Wow - he knows about your EA and flirting? Yep. He knows almost everything. He knows about the massive flirting and how I was getting into the guy. He doesn't know I spoke to the guy on the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 In his defense he does admit that he has been neglectful. But even if he admits his neglect I can still feel it missing. I know I have problems and I'm trying to fix them but it can't be all my fault because your right marriage takes two. And if I was so terrible why would he continually say "You're a great wife." He says this knowing about my flirting. It sounds like you're acting out with your online flirting to get his attention. And even when you get his attention -- he STILL ignores you, knowing that you flirt online with strange men. Sounds like you married an abusive guy. Why? He admits he neglects your feelings, and refuses to attend marriage counseling with you because as I suspected he doesn't want to be held accountable for his behavior. He sounds abusive on a psychological level. He's all words -- no action. That's not marriage. That's total detachment. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Yep. He knows almost everything. He knows about the massive flirting and how I was getting into the guy. He doesn't know I spoke to the guy on the phone. Ah ok. Was he bothered by it at all? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 In his defense he does admit that he has been neglectful. But even if he admits his neglect I can still feel it missing. I know I have problems and I'm trying to fix them but it can't be all my fault because your right marriage takes two. And if I was so terrible why would he continually say "You're a great wife." He says this knowing about my flirting. How was your courtship? How did he treat you during it? A man who truly believes he has a "great wife", deep in his heart realizes that and appreciates it, is motivated to continue courting her and keeping her happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 It sounds like you're acting out with your online flirting to get his attention. And even when you get his attention -- he STILL ignores you, knowing that you flirt online with strange men. Sounds like you married an abusive guy. Why? He admits he neglects your feelings, and refuses to attend marriage counseling with you because as I suspected he doesn't want to be held accountable for his behavior. He sounds abusive on a psychological level. He's all words -- no action. That's not marriage. That's total detachment. He's not abusive but he just doesn't want to deal with certain things. He equates what I did online to his own use of porn in the marriage. He knows there is a bit of a difference but because nobody ever touched me he isn't overly concerned. I'm lucky he isn't too mad which is probably why I'm not mad at him either. I feel somewhat abandoned and neglected but I'm not angry with him. I'm angry at myself for being such a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Ah ok. Was he bothered by it at all? Oh yeah he was angry and hurt but he wanted to forget about the whole stupid and yucky thing and I was happy to not talk too much about it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Um...absolutely. Before you try to figure out of Civil War Heather is to blame, I'd focus on 2015 Heather. Some of this thinking is flawed from the start. A remorseful and repentant wayward is NOT marked with some sign like Harry Potter's lightning scar. That is basically OTHER people's judgment. You restore your character, boundaries, and honor, and you won'thave to worry about men seeing "I once cheated" radar. Autumn is right. You are on the forum for help and so far....have not physically cheated but are at the cusp? Stop. You love your husband from what I have read and do not want to cheat. It also seems that you are taking steps to prevent and make things better with your husband. Marriage is not easy Heather and there are circumstances to walk away from. Unless you are in a hopeless situation or an abusive situation, there is hope. Hope requires courage and tenacity. Please try to recapture the joy, fun and passion in your marriage and put down other men who have not earned your trust or respect. Also, be someone that your husband can trust and respect. 'You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.' Aristotle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Oh yeah he was angry and hurt but he wanted to forget about the whole stupid and yucky thing and I was happy to not talk too much about it to him. What's the rationale behind withholding the phone thing, if you don't mind me asking? And who was the guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 How was your courtship? How did he treat you during it? A man who truly believes he has a "great wife", deep in his heart realizes that and appreciates it, is motivated to continue courting her and keeping her happy. He was amazing. He gave me a princess courtship. I can't tell you whose fault it is or who is more to blame because who really knows? I just know there is a problem and I acted out with another person he didn't but he sexually and romantically starved me. I really hate myself for what I did with that guy online so I think my anger is turned inward right now. I can't believe I wanted attention from that guy so much that I kept emailing him and trying to get him to like me more and more and when I sensed he didn't like me enough I got upset and tried to be entertaining. I acted like a little girl with a crush. I looked like an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 They say it's common for men to get over emotional affairs easier and women to get over physical affairs easier... but his complete unwillingness to deal with anything sounds like a major issue. Maybe you need to push the issue more that things aren't working out for you, and that if things don't change it will eventually push you away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 What's the rationale behind withholding the phone thing, if you don't mind me asking? And who was the guy? The guy was someone I met on another forum who I chatted with inappropriately for several months. I've ceased all contact with him as of very recently. I just think that talking on the phone is a lot more intimate than chatting online. The guy gave me his cell phone number and his work number. I put them both in the shredder. I didn't even talk dirty on the phone but said stupid crap like "I really like you, did you think about me etc.." And he really laid it on thick stated he hasn't felt this way for anyone since he met his wife and stuff along those lines. I thought it was so romantic. I'm a very stupid person. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 The guy was someone I met on another forum who I chatted with inappropriately for several months. I've ceased all contact with him as of very recently. I just think that talking on the phone is a lot more intimate than chatting online. The guy gave me his cell phone number and his work number. I put them both in the shredder. I didn't even talk dirty on the phone but said stupid crap like "I really like you, did you think about me etc.." And he really laid it on thick stated he hasn't felt this way for anyone since he met his wife and stuff along those lines. I thought it was so romantic. I'm a very stupid person. Stop saying that hon (don't make me slap you ) - you don't resolve things by self-bashing. Gotta look at the reasons and address them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 They say it's common for men to get over emotional affairs easier and women to get over physical affairs easier... but his complete unwillingness to deal with anything sounds like a major issue. Maybe you need to push the issue more that things aren't working out for you, and that if things don't change it will eventually push you away. I know what you're saying Gunslinger. I want things to change. But even if things don't change I won't divorce. I'd be too scared to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I know what you're saying Gunslinger. I want things to change. But even if things don't change I won't divorce. I'd be too scared to do so. You can choose not to divorce, and you can choose not to cheat. But even if you don't do either of those things, if things keep going the way they are, you're marriage will continue to get worse. That isn't to absolve you of your part in this. But your husband has to also wake up and realize that he can't be so ho hum about what is going on in your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Heather, I do think that your husband needs his own kick in the pants (he's majorly got his head in the sand). But I can also see ways that you are contributing to this dynamic. Frankly, if you feel bored, you probably are boring. Not exciting to him. The relationship isn't motivating him to get home from work and pay attention to you. you're there, and you aren't going anywhere. And frankly, you aren't doing much and may not have much interesting to say. Tough love, but think about it. I'm bothered by you sacrificing your career to take care of the home. I've been a SAHM, so I'm not completely against the concept, but I know how mindnumbing it can be. And frankly, isolating and depressing. The home is not more important than your mental well being. It's a house. Hire a housekeeper, or (like I do, as a working wife and mom of 2), live with some dirt and mess. 40s are some of the most productive years of a person's life. What are you doing with your life? Men can not be your life. MEN CAN NOT BE YOUR LIFE. Marriage can not be your life. You are literally having a textbook midlife crisis. You marriage may be part of the problem, but it is not the root of the problem. The root of the problem is an undeveloped adult life. When you succeed in developing that, you may find this marriage is not working for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 You are already self aware and know your vulnerabilities. That's half the battle. You have to learn how to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Be your own babysitter - learn how to make the smart part of you protect the vulnerable and weak parts of you. We all have vulnerabilities, weaknesses, insecurities and selfish or impulsive thoughts. We are all a mix of good and bad traits. The key is to allow the intellectual and intelligent parts of you to drive your actions and choices. Emotions certainly influence us, but if the smart part of you says "Nooooo!", listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Heather, I do think that your husband needs his own kick in the pants (he's majorly got his head in the sand). But I can also see ways that you are contributing to this dynamic. Frankly, if you feel bored, you probably are boring. Not exciting to him. The relationship isn't motivating him to get home from work and pay attention to you. you're there, and you aren't going anywhere. And frankly, you aren't doing much and may not have much interesting to say. Tough love, but think about it. I'm bothered by you sacrificing your career to take care of the home. I've been a SAHM, so I'm not completely against the concept, but I know how mindnumbing it can be. And frankly, isolating and depressing. The home is not more important than your mental well being. It's a house. Hire a housekeeper, or (like I do, as a working wife and mom of 2), live with some dirt and mess. 40s are some of the most productive years of a person's life. What are you doing with your life? Men can not be your life. MEN CAN NOT BE YOUR LIFE. Marriage can not be your life. You are literally having a textbook midlife crisis. You marriage may be part of the problem, but it is not the root of the problem. The root of the problem is an undeveloped adult life. When you succeed in developing that, you may find this marriage is not working for you. You've made some good points in your post. I must point out that my husband doesn't find me boring at all. I cannot tell you what it is about me but people who are in my life find me massively interesting. You might not think I'm a freaking laugh riot but my husband does. He might be too stressed to f*ck me but he doesn't want to lose me. That I know as a fact. I hear what you're saying about being isolated and depressed. The only person I spoke to in the last six hours was the cashier at Macy's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 You are already self aware and know your vulnerabilities. That's half the battle. You have to learn how to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Be your own babysitter - learn how to make the smart part of you protect the vulnerable and weak parts of you. We all have vulnerabilities, weaknesses, insecurities and selfish or impulsive thoughts. We are all a mix of good and bad traits. The key is to allow the intellectual and intelligent parts of you to drive your actions and choices. Emotions certainly influence us, but if the smart part of you says "Nooooo!", listen. Great post. I'm trying to use wise mind. I tend to go thru cycles where I will be so mature and do everything "right" and then something triggers me and I slip. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 You've made some good points in your post. I must point out that my husband doesn't find me boring at all. I cannot tell you what it is about me but people who are in my life find me massively interesting. You might not think I'm a freaking laugh riot but my husband does. He might be too stressed to f*ck me but he doesn't want to lose me. That I know as a fact. Yeah - you're way too fun and engaging on here to be boring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Heather, I do think that your husband needs his own kick in the pants (he's majorly got his head in the sand). But I can also see ways that you are contributing to this dynamic. Frankly, if you feel bored, you probably are boring. Not exciting to him. The relationship isn't motivating him to get home from work and pay attention to you. you're there, and you aren't going anywhere. And frankly, you aren't doing much and may not have much interesting to say. Tough love, but think about it. I'm bothered by you sacrificing your career to take care of the home. I've been a SAHM, so I'm not completely against the concept, but I know how mindnumbing it can be. And frankly, isolating and depressing. The home is not more important than your mental well being. It's a house. Hire a housekeeper, or (like I do, as a working wife and mom of 2), live with some dirt and mess. 40s are some of the most productive years of a person's life. What are you doing with your life? Men can not be your life. MEN CAN NOT BE YOUR LIFE. Marriage can not be your life. You are literally having a textbook midlife crisis. You marriage may be part of the problem, but it is not the root of the problem. The root of the problem is an undeveloped adult life. When you succeed in developing that, you may find this marriage is not working for you. ...so smart... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You've made some good points in your post. I must point out that my husband doesn't find me boring at all. I cannot tell you what it is about me but people who are in my life find me massively interesting. You might not think I'm a freaking laugh riot but my husband does. He might be too stressed to f*ck me but he doesn't want to lose me. That I know as a fact. I hear what you're saying about being isolated and depressed. The only person I spoke to in the last six hours was the cashier at Macy's. So do you have any interests, hobbies, volunteer work, schooling, anything? Why don't you start dating you? Learn what makes you tick, what do you like, what do you want to do? Right now your life sounds boring! Do things, expand your knowledge base, go help volunteer somewhere. Pick up a job. Get to know you better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 So do you have any interests, hobbies, volunteer work, schooling, anything? Why don't you start dating you? Learn what makes you tick, what do you like, what do you want to do? Right now your life sounds boring! Do things, expand your knowledge base, go help volunteer somewhere. Pick up a job. Get to know you better. I've never heard that expression "Start dating yourself." I love it! I do need to get out of the house more and interact with humans. Just going to the gym and talking to cashiers isn't enough interpersonal interaction. I guess I've closed myself off too much from the outside world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I've never heard that expression "Start dating yourself." I love it! I do need to get out of the house more and interact with humans. Just going to the gym and talking to cashiers isn't enough interpersonal interaction. I guess I've closed myself off too much from the outside world. Nope not at all, you need friends, interests, something to stimulate your mind and your soul. Sign up for a class or two in something you have always wanted to try. I am sure you are a very deep, complex and interesting person that you haven't even scratched the surface on. Go do something crazy, something that is really getting you out of your comfort zone. Ask your hubby if he wants to go and if not just do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Make a list of challenges for yourself. Include things you've always wanted to do by never had the chance (the challenge being making it happen for yourself). Also, include things that scare you a little bit, but you want to be able to say that you tried. For me, shooting a gun falls in this category. H and his friend made that happen for me right before my 40th birthday. I don't care to ever shoot a gun again, but it was exhilarating and I was really proud of myself for conquering my fear. Never stop living, learning, growing. If you aren't growing, you're dying. This is as true for an individual as it is for a marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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