Affair Targets

[Heatherknows]

If anyone has read my other threads here they will see that I was sort of in an online emotional affair but in actuality it was more like inappropriate chatting and inconsequential mindless chaos that I'm still recovering from.

 

Right now, I'm needy, fragile and ashamed but ready to explore issues. I feel like an affair target because of my emotional state and I'm not sure how to change since I've done all the "right" things. I can go out and get busy with activities, meet girlfriends and do good deeds but I'm still a target. "Wherever you go there you are." It got me thinking I'm probably not the only one. Do other people who engage in affairs start off like me? Like an accident waiting to happen?

 

It's interesting to see where I was in August. It's November and I thought I'd give an update on my progress for anyone who's interested.

 

Since I first wrote this post I haven't engaged in any inappropriate conversations with men online or real life. I'm less of a target now but I watch my behavior. Currently, I'm focusing on my new rescue dog and helping her develop better socialization skills so she can live a happier life.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Heatherknows

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations

 

You were able to honestly realize you were headed down a slippery slope that had the potential to change your life in not too pleasant ways .

It is not unusual for someone in a long term relationship to fantasize about others , and as a woman, you are bombarded with messages that your worth is predicated on your ability to attract male attention .

 

Unless you lock yourself in the house you will interact with men . Knowing you have potential boundary issues and accepting that you need to fight is a good quality.

 

You might want to read the book "Not Just Friends". There is a lot of information in that book that can help you prevent straying either online or in person

[Heatherknows]

Congratulations

 

You were able to honestly realize you were headed down a slippery slope that had the potential to change your life in not too pleasant ways .

It is not unusual for someone in a long term relationship to fantasize about others , and as a woman, you are bombarded with messages that your worth is predicated on your ability to attract male attention .

 

Unless you lock yourself in the house you will interact with men . Knowing you have potential boundary issues and accepting that you need to fight is a good quality.

 

You might want to read the book "Not Just Friends". There is a lot of information in that book that can help you prevent straying either online or in person

 

In person isn't a problem. I'm a SAHW and I rarely engage in conversations with men. Online is no longer a problem because I keep my PM function deactivated (on the this site and the other site I'm on.)

 

I'm protecting myself, from myself.

[Friskyone4u]

Heather,

 

Read the book. Continue to work on yourself.

 

There are a ton of SAHM who fall in to affairs. You cannot hibernate and avoid men. They are 50% of the population.

 

And you know you are only one click away ( enabling PM function) from trouble possibly. Get some IC help if you can.

 

Again, you are to be complimented for recognizing your proble before it becomes a life changing event for the worse.

[Heatherknows]

Heather,

 

Read the book. Continue to work on yourself.

 

There are a ton of SAHM who fall in to affairs. You cannot hibernate and avoid men. They are 50% of the population.

 

And you know you are only one click away ( enabling PM function) from trouble possibly. Get some IC help if you can.

 

Again, you are to be complimented for recognizing your proble before it becomes a life changing event for the worse.

 

I'll read the book. At this point I need to hibernate and avoid men until I'm strong enough to handle the temptation. When I leave the house I wear lots of layers of clothing and a hat. I'm working on ways to feel good about myself other than getting male attention. It's a day at a time process.

[Friskyone4u]

Heather

 

If you have to get dressed up like an Eskimo to avoid men looking at you, I suggest you get to IC FAST . Making or trying to make yourself look unattractive is not a long term solution. And evnetually you will tire of that and your friends will think you are crazy, as will your husband.

 

It is not abnormal to be pleased that mena check you out. It IS not normal to be unable to refrain from acting on it. Get some help. You will feel better.

[Heatherknows]

Heather

 

Making or trying to make yourself look unattractive is not a long term solution. And evnetually you will tire of that and your friends will think you are crazy, as will your husband.

 

That's a given.

[WaitingForBardot]

I'll read the book. At this point I need to hibernate and avoid men until I'm strong enough to handle the temptation.

Fidelity is a choice and it takes ongoing vigilance to maintain it. You are right to avoid putting yourself in potentially compromising positions. Although not hibernating or avoiding women in general, I do avoid specific women that I have clicked with or when I appear to have clicked for them. My marriage is important to me and I will not place myself in a position where I could do something to jeopardize it.

 

When I leave the house I wear lots of layers of clothing and a hat.

...

Hardware solution to a software problem. Not to mention, just as many man are likely attracted to this look as are put off by it.

[Heatherknows]

Fidelity is a choice and it takes ongoing vigilance to maintain it. You are right to avoid putting yourself in potentially compromising positions. Although not hibernating or avoiding women in general, I do avoid specific women that I have clicked with or when I appear to have clicked for them. My marriage is important to me and I will not place myself in a position where I could do something to jeopardize it.

 

 

Hardware solution to a software problem. Not to mention, just as many man are likely attracted to this look as are put off by it.

 

LOL! Well...I don't really go places where there are hordes of men anyway. I do my shopping, run errands, walk my dog and go to the gym. The gym is the only place you can see my body but I don't look men in the eye and if by chance I see someone looking at me I quickly look away and never look back.

 

TBH it's uncomfortable when I engage in a conversation with a man who arouses me. It brings on feelings of excitement but feelings of fear and shame. I don't need that or want that.

[WaitingForBardot]

LOL! Well...I don't really go places where there are hordes of men anyway. I do my shopping, run errands, walk my dog and go to the gym. The gym is the only place you can see my body but I don't look men in the eye and if by chance I see someone looking at me I quickly look away and never look back.

 

TBH it's uncomfortable when I engage in a conversation with a man who arouses me. It brings on feelings of excitement but feelings of fear and shame. I don't need that or want that.

News flash: There are men everywhere! Maybe not hordes, but plenty, and there will always be some of them that will find you attractive regardless of your look. The solution is on the supply side (you) not the demand side (the hordes).

 

For example me, I'm attracted by a specific type of body language and I can spot it regardless of how someone is layered up. Not to mention that nothing is more exciting than the prospect of peeling the layers of clothing off a woman you like. It's just like Christmas..., and why I like the cold weather... ..lol..

[SoleMate]

Sign up for a class or two in something you have always wanted to try.

Like...pottery. Actually, I think a class would be a good idea, but NOT for the subject matter, rather for the human interaction and engagement. An even better possibility might be an action-oriented group, like a nonprofit, board, or even a paid job. An isolated SAHM who is starved for conversation and interaction and has time on her hands is definitely at risk for behavior that might harm the marriage, so fix the isolation.

 

Also, your H really needs to get on board and takes this marriage, and you, more seriously. You're on the Internet, getting strangers to help you with your marriage, but your husband won't even agree to see a counselor with you?

[Heatherknows]

News flash: There are men everywhere! Maybe not hordes, but plenty, and there will always be some of them that will find you attractive regardless of your look. The solution is on the supply side (you) not the demand side (the hordes).

 

 

I understand what you're saying.

 

An isolated SAHM who is starved for conversation and interaction and has time on her hands is definitely at risk for behavior that might harm the marriage, so fix the isolation.

 

Yep...probably why I post a lot on this forum. I have the wash to put away and the beds to change and lots of other stuff which makes posting easy, fun and provides socialization. That's how my trouble began but now I don't accept PM's and I doubt anyone is going to try and seduce me in front of everyone. So I'm safe on the forum. But I agree I need more socialization than the forum and chatting with some people whilst walking my dog.

Also, your H really needs to get on board and takes this marriage, and you, more seriously. You're on the Internet, getting strangers to help you with your marriage, but your husband won't even agree to see a counselor with you?

 

He doesn't have the time. He works hard and when he's home he wants to relax. Anyway, the problem is me.

[Friskyone4u]

Heather,

 

I had to laugh. Guys walk their dogs a lot because it is a great way to meet women. DON'T STOP WALKING THE DOG!!!!

 

Have you talked to your husband about any of this. To be honest, one thing that might get him out of the recliner, work or no work, is if he knows you are finding other guiys attractive.

 

by the way that is called honest communication .

 

Now he might do one of two things

 

(1) get a little pissed but start watching what you are doing. That will probably inhibit your temptation knowing he may catch you if you do anything

 

(2) it may make him more attentive and conversant.

 

A lot of betrayed spouses say i wish he or she would have talked to me.

 

not sure if your choice of words was what you meant. Its a little different to find a man attractive at the gym than actually being AROUSED at just the site of him. EVERYONE see people every day that find attractive.

 

There is no hobby you can do or no activity where the possibility of interacting with men is non existant. FIX YOUR PROBLEM instead of just trying to "manage" it by seclusion.

[understand50]

Heather,

 

Your original post was about think you were "primed" fro an affair. I have skimmed your other threads, and this seems to be a ongoing theme.

 

The thing is We really do not know enough to give you the specific advise you need, past "don't do it". The only thing I could say that may help, is if you are unhappy and feel lonely, the only thing to do is change your own behavor and environment, to bring your husband along. If you keep doing the same thing you will get the same outcomes.

 

SO.... What can you do to change this? Does not have to earth shaking, but small steps to a goal. What is your Goal?

 

When I found myself in similar circumstances, I started to do more for myself, different hobbies, and also looked for things to do with my wife. Took some time, but we are much better for it. I know it is not that easy, but can you think of anything you could change that would make you better and improve your marriage?

 

I wish you luck ...

[Heatherknows]

Heather,

 

I had to laugh. Guys walk their dogs a lot because it is a great way to meet women. DON'T STOP WALKING THE DOG!!!!

 

Have you talked to your husband about any of this. To be honest, one thing that might get him out of the recliner, work or no work, is if he knows you are finding other guiys attractive.

 

by the way that is called honest communication .

 

Now he might do one of two things

 

(1) get a little pissed but start watching what you are doing. That will probably inhibit your temptation knowing he may catch you if you do anything

 

(2) it may make him more attentive and conversant.

 

A lot of betrayed spouses say i wish he or she would have talked to me.

 

not sure if your choice of words was what you meant. Its a little different to find a man attractive at the gym than actually being AROUSED at just the site of him. EVERYONE see people every day that find attractive.

 

There is no hobby you can do or no activity where the possibility of interacting with men is non existant. FIX YOUR PROBLEM instead of just trying to "manage" it by seclusion.

 

I've disclosed my cyber behavior to my husband. He knows there is a problem. He says "just don't do it," and I'm not. The reason why all this stuff happened in cyberland is because in real life I wouldn't have had such sexual conversations with a man. The internet makes it feel like a game. I'm not really talking to another person I'm typing on a flat screen and looking at letters. The whole thing is very stupid.

[Heatherknows]

Heather,

 

Your original post was about think you were "primed" fro an affair. I have skimmed your other threads, and this seems to be a ongoing theme.

 

The thing is We really do not know enough to give you the specific advise you need, past "don't do it". The only thing I could say that may help, is if you are unhappy and feel lonely, the only thing to do is change your own behavor and environment, to bring your husband along. If you keep doing the same thing you will get the same outcomes.

 

SO.... What can you do to change this? Does not have to earth shaking, but small steps to a goal. What is your Goal?

 

When I found myself in similar circumstances, I started to do more for myself, different hobbies, and also looked for things to do with my wife. Took some time, but we are much better for it. I know it is not that easy, but can you think of anything you could change that would make you better and improve your marriage?

 

I wish you luck ...

 

I'm spending more time in the real world mostly doing stuff with my dog. I'm trying to get my husband to go places on weekends with the dog and sometimes he enjoys himself. The problem is mostly that I really like romance and passion and I can't do that for myself.

[understand50]

I'm spending more time in the real world mostly doing stuff with my dog. I'm trying to get my husband to go places on weekends with the dog and sometimes he enjoys himself. The problem is mostly that I really like romance and passion and I can't do that for myself.

 

That is true.

 

I can only say to keep trying with your Husband, or split up if this is a deal breaker. You know, I find the most romantic times are unplanned. Walks in the park, setting by ourselves reading and then making out. Maybe you need to work on setting up the unplanned times in hopes that something may happen. When you were dating and courting, what did you two do to be a loving couple? In the beginning, what did he do to court you, and how and what did you do back. Sometimes going back to when you first met and remembering helps. You can never go back, but you can do the same things.

 

I am a big believer in date night, but just going out to dinner gets old. We have gone to the beach and picnicked, drove up to a lake and hung out, made out. Gone to old book store, sometimes to her craft stores, a couple of time to a firing range. A few times to a motel, to just............. We did this on the fly, as we just decide we were in the mood and needed to "get a room".

 

Point is, most of this was not planned to the n'th degree, but we both just let it see here it went and will go. This took a lot of work to get us where we are on date night. When we first started, my wife did not really believe that I would keep this up, or follow trough. Took a year, until she found that, although we missed a few weeks due to health (flu, cold) I did not let it drop. I then pointed out she could plain "date" night as well, or date day (sometime we take a whole Saturday in lue of date night Friday). Now we talk about what we want to do starting on Monday, and by Friday, we have something lines up, or there are our standard fall backs. Took time to set up, took time for her to believe that this would work, and took time for us to enforce the rule of only having a good time when we are on a date.

 

I do not know if this will help you. I know that in many ways our marriage, was flat and lacking intimacy, and love, before we started date night. It was me who had to make the first step and bring her along. Well, for what it is worth.

 

As always, I wish you and yours luck.