Would love to hear from other happily married couples who are Childfree by Choice.

[samantha_t85]

I am in my late-twenties and H is mid-thirties. We are recently married (last fall) and have been together for a little over four years.

 

On a personal level, I have never felt an innate desire to have children. I don't mind them, exactly, but I have never wanted one of my own. I'd imagine many people feel this way about a multitude of things - pets, motorcycles, I could think of many examples - but being a woman of my age with no desire or plans to have children is becoming socially very difficult. The vast majority of my friends have started having children or plan on having them relatively soon, and while I have absolutely no problem with this, it's really quite difficult to not begin to feel like the odd one out. It's to the point where I genuinely want to want a child - but I don't. I can't change who I am, and I feel that to force myself into such a life-altering decision would be wrong on multiple levels.

 

My husband shares my feelings and we have a very fulfilling life - we bought a beautiful house this year, we are able to travel frequently, and we share a multitude of hobbies including volunteering, golfing, entertaining, exercising, gardening…the list goes on. We are both lucky to have jobs we enjoy which also afford us the time and funds to live the life we want. Our social life has blossomed since we became a couple and we love spending time with mutual friends.

 

Our relationship is wonderful - I literally cannot think of one thing I would change. But it's getting very difficult to not feel like an alien in world of normal humans. I am so happy for my friends who have found love and fulfillment in the raising of a family - but it just isn't for me.

 

I guess I would love to hear from other LS members who are happily married (or in a long-term relationship) and who are also child-free by choice. I just would like to feel a little bit less alone.

[Ms. Faust]

I don't mean to intrude on this thread, but I must be running in a different social circle. I am 36, and just had a baby. All of my friends are child free by choice. Literally, no one in our social circle have kids. SO and I were just talking last night how it seems like most people are child free. But maybe it is just the people we are around?

[Nolagirl1214]

My husband and I are a little younger than you, OP, but for now we have made the choice to stay child-free as well. Neither of us feels a huge need to have kids, although we did try for a while with no luck. I do have some female issues that would make it very difficult to get pregnant anyway. After going through a few doctors appointments we decided maybe it was best if we don't have kids. God may have other plans for the future, but for now we are happy with our decision.

[RecentChange]

I agree with Ms. Faust - but I think its regional as well.

 

I coming up on 37, I do not have any children, I NEVER wanted children, its a strong conviction I have had since I was a child myself!

 

That said - in my social circle, most of my friends do not have children. My partner and I have been together for 14 years, have seen many of our friends marry etc - but only 2 have really taken the plunge and procreated!

 

I am in the San Francisco area - cost of living is super high here, its a very "competitive" environment, people tend to be a bit workaholic, plus most of my friends enjoy the night life, travel etc. That whole work hard, party hard mentality. Which just doesn't mesh too well with kiddos.

 

So, I never really felt any "pressure" to have children, as child free is pretty "normal" here. Just like being an atheist or agnostic is fairly common - I get the impression that other parts of the county - people aren't so accepting of those views!

[d0nnivain]

I was over 40 when I married for the 1st time. I never wanted kids out of wedlock & never had a burning desire to have them. I always felt I was too self-centered to be a good mom. DH also isn't what I'd call fatherly. When we talked about it, his views were that he wanted kids but expected me to do everything from nightly feeds, to all the diapers, to attending all the sports games etc. That infuriated me because it's not an involved parent. I put my foot down & said if you aren't going to make all the sacrifices you expect me to make to have kids, we're not having any.

 

 

I'm mostly at peace with that decision but as an only child & the youngest of all my cousins, I do fear what will happen at the end of my life when I don't have a living advocate. DH has siblings but they make dumb choices & he's only met his niece & nephew once so it's unlikely they will be able to assist.

 

 

Nobody ever pressured me to have kids. A few people asked shortly after we got married & I gave them all the same answer: I'm not opposed to kids but I'm not having IVF & without medical intervention it's unlikely I can get pregnant

[samantha_t85]

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I agree that it is most likely regional. I live in the suburban mid-west, and while I wouldn't necessarily consider my area or social circle particularly "conservative" or "old-fashioned" as a generalization, I think there is a huge difference culturally between here and coastal cities or more urban, major-metropolitan areas. Admittedly, most of the friends I have who have also elected not to have children have relocated to a larger city such as Chicago or NYC.

[Ms. Faust]

I think for us it is not so much regional as lifestyle and education. My SO has a PhD in a STEM field, and needless to say did not meet many couples with kids while working on his education. The friends that he grew up with, while home bodies, tend to favor their hobbies over procreating.

 

I have thought deeply about the decision to have kids. It occurred to me after having a baby it's not my lifestyle that is affected, it's me. I realized that if something happened to this person between now and the time I die it will be so emotionally and mentally devastating I am not sure I would be the same ever again.

Had I fully realized that before hand, I truly think I would have reconsidered getting pregnant.

 

In terms of lifestyle, I actually do not feel like my life has changed much since having a baby. We are avid travelers and have 3 cross country trips coming up. We have an international trip planned within the next two years. We can't be as spontaneous, but in truth we never were. It never occurred to us to give up or cut down on traveling because we have kids. That being said, I do see where certain hobbies are more difficult to continue for people who chose to have kids before focusing on a career.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[samantha_t85]

I think for us it is not so much regional as lifestyle and education. My SO has a PhD in a STEM field, and needless to say did not meet many couples with kids while working on his education. The friends that he grew up with, while home bodies, tend to favor their hobbies over procreating.

 

I have thought deeply about the decision to have kids. It occurred to me after having a baby it's not my lifestyle that is affected, it's me. I realized that if something happened to this person between now and the time I die it will be so emotionally and mentally devastating I am not sure I would be the same ever again.

Had I fully realized that before hand, I truly think I would have reconsidered getting pregnant.

 

In terms of lifestyle, I actually do not feel like my life has changed much since having a baby. We are avid travelers and have 3 cross country trips coming up. We have an international trip planned within the next two years. We can't be as spontaneous, but in truth we never were. It never occurred to us to give up or cut down on traveling because we have kids. That being said, I do see where certain hobbies are more difficult to continue for people who chose to have kids before focusing on a career.

 

I have not noticed a negative correlation in regards to education and procreation in our particular circle. My husband is an osteopathic doctor in a specialty, so his schooling was pretty extensive at 10+ years. While most of our mutual friends are not doctors, the majority have a master's degree or greater, with nearly every one having at least a bachelor's. I am actually less educated than the norm for our circle, as I never even completed my bachelor's degree (to date, it has not had a negative impact on my chosen career path, so I have not been motivated to re-visit it).

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with pregnancy and the decision to have children. I should have noted that I certainly have not permanently closed any doors; I do not plan to have a tubal ligation any time soon or anything drastic like that. It's just hard for me to ever imagine changing the way I feel about the subject. Anything is possible, I suppose. In the meantime, it helps to know there are other women out there who have shared these feelings.

[baco]

Forget social/family/friends pressure and chose what you want, having children is not an obligation and it does not make a better or worse person, it's the couples choice, if at this point in life you are happy don't stress over it.

 

You are young, so you have plenty of time to change your mind if it cames to that, my wife only got pregnant at 33, one month after we decided to stop birth control, we were really expecting it to take longer, but we are glad it happened

 

Having a child changes everything, especially in the early years (were I'm at), but we still have time for ourselfs. Like a friend of mine said children are both the best and worst that can happen to you

 

I would say that about half of our married friends have children (mid 30's), so I really don't find it odd when people chose not to have children, is a choice like many others.