Money & Control -

[BlueIris]

OP needs to get her and her husband's disentangled and in a way which is legally enforceable. The best way to do this would be to let her attorney and her husband's attorney negotiate a division and get that division put into effect by a judge.

 

It's called a divorce, and is really the only way to deal with situations like this.

 

The husband's income may seem large but it's really not. Spending as he is, raiding his wife's income and assets, and hiding all of what he's doing from her all strongly indicate that he is robbing her blind.

 

... plus getting angry and intimidating if she doesn't do what he wants.

 

OP, keep all of your money away from him from now on and get ready for a divorce ASAP.

 

This might be hard to swallow: this is a bad marriage and it will only get worse.

[S2B]

He won't be able to control you if you stop allowing him to.

 

Just stop going along with all of his antics and requests.

 

This is not a husband that has your best interest in mind. He could bleed you dry.

 

I'm curious, why did his other marriages end?

[TaraMaiden2]

I was speaking to a colleague at work on Saturday, (L.) and she is divorced, her husband (J.) having now remarried.

When he first divorced her, he took to bad-mouthing her to his then mistress, (M.) and painting her in a very bad light...

 

Over time, his now-wife (M.) spoke to L's (and J's) daughter, and admitted "I can now see why your mother divorced your father."

 

New potential partners really should seek to speak to exes to get THEIR sides of the story, at least for a grander perspective.

 

I daresay isthislove35's 'predecessor' would have quite a few interesting things to say.

[isthislove35]

Yes I can imagine that there are some interesting stories. I wish I knew ...his first wife (mother of his kids) seems to be okay with him... They divorced almost a decade ago and it sounded like he was just not attracted to her anymore ...they got married very young and she was pregnant.

 

The second wife was cold and very unlike him. He's very lively and outgoing...and she's a studious type...and made like 25k a year. No kids....did a lot spending and hobbies.

 

He eventually started partying without her...going out on weekends when she went out of town for her hobbies.. (bird watching etc.) He said that was not his thing...so he just went out on his own.

 

they were married for 8 years...and i believe they were living separate lives. He says he never cheated on her...

 

Basically my marriage to him is great ...when I don't make waves. But here's what's weird...even when I leave decisions up to him....he gets frustrated about where to eat or what to do etc.

 

Here's an example..Recently we were out of town...staying in a hotel. We had been out for a few drinks and dancing. We had fun. We came back around 1am and the hotel room had m and m's...I grabbed them. He asked if I would rather go for pizza downstairs? I said sure...I didn't care and I figured that's what he wanted....He got mad and said "why didn't you just say you wanted pizza?" I said...I don't...really. I don't care. Just want something to nibble on.... and he went ballistic. He said...we need a therapist because he can't talk to me...that I never just say what I want ...that I just went along with what he said for food...

 

I was stunned. I figured he was just a little drunk and acting nuts. So I gave him a hug and said....let's not ruin a good night...why argue? I could care less what I eat...and i tried to kiss him...he pushed me off and said that he couldn't believe that I was acting that way.... he said "we need to talk to someone..because you need help...."

 

He then went on and on about how his life was a mess...that his business was suffering that I clearly don't care....because all I want to do is give him a hug and live in fantasy land.

 

The OTHER thing is ...he's erratic with money. He got done telling me that he couldn't put enough of my money away for my taxes because he was too busy paying debt.... and then I said ...well we are definitely not going out of town next weekend..then. We need to prioritize. A girlfirend of mine invited us a huge hollywood actor party in California...RSVP only... and I said no...we can't go...because we shouldn't be spending another 2k on hotel and flights!

 

He said...oh we can work it out...no no...let's go babe! I said no...and now he is upset that I don't want to go....

 

See what I mean? It's like he's bi-polar or something????

[Mr. Lucky]

It has even gotten to the point he wants to put his name on my company incorporation. He says that's necessary because he doesn't want my ex coming back and asking for child support or alimony or something. He says he wants me to hide all my income by going through his business.

 

Here's what is so strange. I am a hard worker but I have virtually nothing to my name except 40k in retirement. And my ex and I just trusted. I always took care of my things and he did too. I never went into my marriage thinking about divorce.

 

I see that's all my husband does. He is always thinking of himself. He tells me most of his debt is due to his traveling and payments for things for when we dated. So he is blaming me saying that's part of my responsibility because it was the sacrifice he made for me.

 

Honestly he got me an enormous ring and I begged him not to go into debt. But he did it because he said that he didn't want his colleagues to see me with an inferior ring. He runs in those kinds of circles

 

I am now starting to get clients who are men and he is constantly saying things like... Oh is that the millionaire you are going to run off with? He's super jealous. I have even avoided going to meetings for biz w men because I knew he would think the worse. So I almost only target women now.

 

As for getting married. He wanted to just live together (engaged) and combine accounts etc. I said I can't just live with him without marriage because of my children. I feel it's improper morally. So he then insisted on the pricey wedding. I actually suggested eloping. He said no because of his family.

 

Look in the mirror. None of the things he's done or proposes to do could happen without your acquiescence or participation.

 

The ring? Refuse to wear it

The big wedding? Refuse to go

Taking your money? Don't give him your checks

His name on your company? Don't sign

Declining business meetings with men? Don't listen

 

Anyone of us can only be manipulated to the extent we allow. Want to set a good moral example for your kids? Stand up for yourself and for what you know is right. I guarantee they're watching and learning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trishern]

Don't let his name be put on your business UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

 

It seems on paper he earns a bit of money, but he's got into debt and is using you to help him sort that debt out.

 

 

I worry about this type of person, that in sinking in debt and spends money to save face and keep up appearances. these are the people you her about in the headlines.

 

 

He seems to flip at the drop of a hat as well.

 

 

If you have a will ensure your children are on it.

 

 

Do not turn down business from anyone. You need all the money you can get. He seems jealous of your success if you ask me.

 

 

Mr. Lucky has offered good advice.

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

[isthislove35]

Here's what's scary. I know that I could walk away but now I have zero money and my business is work from home. I have benefits through him and i only have 2 clients right now. They are paying huge monthly premiums but what if they stop?

 

I have no recourse... Really. He has control of everything for the most part, right?

 

Even my cell phone is in his name. I kept delaying and delaying on that and he kept throwing fits. It does save me 200 a month because of his plan... But he's got me over a barrel.

 

The other thing he does a LOT is he will tell me that he doesn't want to count on my money or clients .. It's just "extra" now because my biz is not guaranteed and he fully expects them to leave me at some point because I am not critical to their business. That is HARD to hear.. You know?

 

I told him today that was going to incorporate my biz alone through my old accountant and he is telling me that I have no respect for him or all he's done for me. You see, when we got engaged... I left a job I didn't really like. So now I work for myself. But I am currently making nearly the same amount per month. I hope that will continue!

 

But if we divorce now.. After such a short time... He will take me out completely.

 

So as it stands now... All of my clients wire my checks into our joint account... To which I have little access. Certainly not online access. He says I do... But I do not. He has me like his kids. A user of the account and yes my name is on the checks... But I have little knowledge of what he's doing.

 

On top of it? He's talking about having a baby with me. I have avoided that so far... For obvious reasons.

Edited August 17, 2015 by isthislove35

[CarrieT]

So as it stands now... All of my clients wire my checks into our joint account...

Open a new account and advise your clients of new wiring information.

[isthislove35]

It's not that easy though....what do I tell my husband? The fight will be awful...and I would imagine it could end in divorce...

 

I know that sounds awful...but I don't want to rock the boat with him....and he's not the type to listen.

 

I think I will just blame my accountant....and do it that way...

 

Isn't that best?

 

Open a new account and advise your clients of new wiring information.

[CarrieT]

It's not that easy though....what do I tell my husband? The fight will be awful...and I would imagine it could end in divorce...

Honestly, it sounds like divorce is inevitable the way this has played out thus far.

 

Start getting your ducks in a row and protecting yourself as best you can.

[fireflywy]

It's not that easy though....what do I tell my husband? The fight will be awful...and I would imagine it could end in divorce...

 

I know that sounds awful...but I don't want to rock the boat with him....and he's not the type to listen.

 

I think I will just blame my accountant....and do it that way...

 

Isn't that best?

 

I would do what others say you should do regarding your assests. Why are you so afraid of rocking the boat with him? I surmise that maybe, just maybe, while you don't like his control issues, you still like his high earning status, those "really nice things" that your status as a proverbial power couple brings you, and those Hollywood RSVP parties you mentioned. Judging by the weight issue in your other post, maybe he's a bit narcissitic as ties in with the lifestyle you've desscribed as well?

 

Well, if you want to get a little relationship parity, you're going to have to risk all of that inconsequential stuff and risk losing them by rocking the boat. In the end, who wants to be controlled in a life lived in the royal palace?

 

Protect yourself.

 

"Blue Money"

Edited August 17, 2015 by fireflywy

[isthislove35]

Actually it's MY contacts who get us those invites...that I do NOT go to...because he gets jealous. He has a nice house...yes. But we don't entertain...and I don't buy half the things I did before I got with him...He makes me feel guilty about even getting a pedicure and eye brow wax...

 

But...the worst part is he's 48 and I see him looking a beautiful women...."I" am a beautiful woman too...but i'm not perfect. I'm just turning 40 and I look worse now than when I began dating him because I don't spend money on myself..

 

On one hand he tells me to go get a pedicure or facial etc...then a few weeks later he will claim that I am high maintenance because I did those things. He told me that getting a manicure is not essential spending. I've gotten manicures since I started working when I was 14 years old AND -- I do believe it's essential as a business woman presenting bids to very high profile clients.

 

Honestly -- I love him. I don't know how to be without him. My whole entire life is wrapped up in him. He works about 4 hours a day on his business and then the rest from home. We are basically inseparable. He gets odd if I tell him I"m even going to the grocery store without him....

 

But, yes - he's taken over my life. I had a website for my business and HIS website designer called me about something else today and then asked WHY I let him take over my website and said it looked awful. It DOES look awful...but he's so proud of the work he's done (I never asked for it!) and I don't know how to tell him to stop. He will be insulted and hurt. But, it's even hurt my business skills now because my website looks like crap.

 

It's not that I want his lifestyle...because it's not very different than the one I left and supported myself...It's just that I love being with him. I get terribly hurt when he lashes out at me....but it's happened a lot less lately.

 

Here's the thing. When I come on this board -- I see confirmation of what my little inner voice says.... but I don't know how to get stronger and stand up for myself. I am so in love with him...hell -- I fold his laundry and pick up his socks/underwear constantly without anger....I am clearly in love...

 

And at the same time I have girlfriends telling me about millionaires they could easily set me up with...if I were to leave my husband's controlling ways. I don't want millionaires..I just want a best friend. He is often that.... but it has a price.

 

Am I insane? Maybe so.

[sandylee1]

Who owns the house you live in?

Who pays the mortgage ?

Bills ?

 

Expenses for your kids?

 

If he's paying all this, he may feel justified in using your money for the debts, but he's still terribly controlling. Sounds like a chauvinist who believes you should do what the man says. Those days are long gone.

 

How were you living (financially ) before you met him and after your divorce?

 

I think you need to try and tell him, that you don't feel like an equal in the marriage....mention being a user on the account like a child.

 

It's like he works jointly when he wants to, then seperate when it suits him. He's the dog that always gets the bone.

 

You meet with whoever and secure more clients, then give them your solo account to pay the checks into. Ignore his comments about running off with a millionare and work your hardest to achieve and succeed.

[fireflywy]

Well, you love him. Got it.

 

Now, you're going to have to put your foot down and set some boundaries and see if he loves you enough to get beyond himself.

 

You have two roads, you either go on as is, or say whats on your mind.

 

As for your friends, that's a very odd thing to say about hooking you up with other millionaires. Are they TRYING to sabotage you? If my friends had said that to me with my ex, I would be pretty damn insulted. However, this also raises another question: If your friends AREN'T being douches by saying that, what else is going on in your relationship that feel the need to say so? (Btw, laughing on the emphasis on millionaires. That's why I attached the song.)

[isthislove35]

He owned the house before I came into the picture. He pays the bills -- expenses for my kids come from MY money -- out of our account.

 

He told me recently the biggest mistake he made in his last marriage was that he let his ex put all of her income into her retirement account (she only made 29k) and maxed it out for her and he said recently (when fighting with me about my money) that he would NEVER do that again...he learned his lesson.

 

That's true. He isn't helping pay any of my debt -- in fact he had me put my student loan on a forbearance until my new clients started paying.

 

Before we married? I had a VERY good career working for an excellent company and I left it to be with him... because he couldn't stand that I worked so much and traveled so much.

 

He begged and pleaded and told me that he would take care of me... and that I didn't have to worry about paying my bills..."just quit!"

 

Well, I did and it was pretty clear ASAP I DID have to worry about paying bills and THEN SOME!

 

I am now making 12k a month... and he gives me a hard time about getting a manicure and pedicure monthly.

 

 

 

Who owns the house you live in?

Who pays the mortgage ?

Bills ?

 

Expenses for your kids?

 

If he's paying all this, he may feel justified in using your money for the debts, but he's still terribly controlling. Sounds like a chauvinist who believes you should do what the man says. Those days are long gone.

 

How were you living (financially ) before you met him and after your divorce?

 

I think you need to try and tell him, that you don't feel like an equal in the marriage....mention being a user on the account like a child.

 

It's like he works jointly when he wants to, then seperate when it suits him. He's the dog that always gets the bone.

 

You meet with whoever and secure more clients, then give them your solo account to pay the checks into. Ignore his comments about running off with a millionare and work your hardest to achieve and succeed.

[isthislove35]

My girlfriend just works in very good circles. She knows a lot of wealthy people. She is my best friend and she knows the problems I have with my husband. The money is just one problem. He's very controlling and won't even let me go for drinks with her etc. When I suggested that I go with her...he said "fine, I think I'm going to go party with the boys then....I hope you don't mind they are all single...and we might run into some single women too....of course, I would never cheat on you..."

 

That's the kind of mentality that I get from him...so my friend is worried for me. She's far stronger than I am and doesn't understand the deep love I have for my husband.... but she thinks I am just being controlled and manipulated.

 

Well, you love him. Got it.

 

Now, you're going to have to put your foot down and set some boundaries and see if he loves you enough to get beyond himself.

 

You have two roads, you either go on as is, or say whats on your mind.

 

As for your friends, that's a very odd thing to say about hooking you up with other millionaires. Are they TRYING to sabotage you? If my friends had said that to me with my ex, I would be pretty damn insulted. However, this also raises another question: If your friends AREN'T being douches by saying that, what else is going on in your relationship that feel the need to say so? (Btw, laughing on the emphasis on millionaires. That's why I attached the song.)

[fireflywy]

My girlfriend just works in very good circles. She knows a lot of wealthy people. She is my best friend and she knows the problems I have with my husband. The money is just one problem. He's very controlling and won't even let me go for drinks with her etc. When I suggested that I go with her...he said "fine, I think I'm going to go party with the boys then....I hope you don't mind they are all single...and we might run into some single women too....of course, I would never cheat on you..."

 

That's the kind of mentality that I get from him...so my friend is worried for me. She's far stronger than I am and doesn't understand the deep love I have for my husband.... but she thinks I am just being controlled and manipulated.

 

Well, id tell her to back off of those suggestions because I'm sure that if in any way your husband has heard them that it doesn't hell him ease his frame of mind.

 

But, with that said, how do you want to live your life?

 

I think, that at this point in the thread and your marriage, that the status quo can no longer hold so I think you know that you need to broach this to him.

 

You sound like a very smart, sucessful, and savy woman. (Hell, you make more in 1.5. Months then I do in a year right now and I have an education as well lol) Because you're those things, have faith and courage. You CAN address this and everything is going to be okay.

 

There is nothing to fear.

[fireflywy]

P.S. since your friends work in very good circles, and since they invite you to Hollywood parties, can you drop my name to Actress Jennifer Garner? Its easier then my other option which is to fly out to California and perform a George McFly and fall out of a tree into the path of her oncoming limo. Loll

Edited August 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[isthislove35]

HA HA! I know...it's a shame what happened to her marriage. Sorry -I can't say I know her...

 

As for my marriage -- yeah, I know it's definitely teetering on the edge..and it all comes down to me not rocking the boat. TYPICALLY he is a happy person...but he may have some mental issues. he is extremely successful but I can see that his business is not going well anymore and he may lose that big paycheck...it's already been cut in half...

 

I don't know how he will handle that...as I see his mel downs right now. That's why I really want to get my own business secure in case something were to happen. It scares me....and it would be just my luck that he loses a job...and then we have nothing because I have been giving up biz to please him and his emotional needs.

 

It's a delicate balance.

 

Also -- yes he owned the house when I came...but he has a HUGE mortgage. He might have 100k profit once he sells it...but should I feel indebted to him? I am currently making a lot per month..and essentially helping pay his mortgage.

 

you know?

P.S. since your friends work in very good circles, and since they invite you to Hollywood parties, can you drop my name to Actress Jennifer Garner? Its easier then my other option which is to fly out to California and perform a George McFly and fall out of a tree into the path of her oncoming limo. Loll

[fireflywy]

And I don't know if its teetering on the edge, its just a large issue that you'll have to get around. And yes, you should be secure in case something happens (hopefully you two wouldn't bail on each other but rather to be TOGETHER per your vows and not treat marriage like a fast food drive through where your friends are ready to serve up up a millionaire lol).

 

Do what you can, do it as nicely and supportively as you can. After all, while his actions are a definite no no in marriage that needs a definite boundary, they might be a consequence of his shadow of worries about his worth which are being projected into control over money because he's insecure (which is possible if you run in affluent circles out in California where appearences and moola might matter more to people as a measure of their lives).

[OldRover]

Isthislove.....

 

Your husband has some SERIOUS problems. I've got several friends in this income bracket, some a bit more, some a bit less, and everyone of us can easily live on 1/4 of what we make, and live WELL. Many of have all the toys, nice homes, but NO consumer debt. We also have assets that are inflation proof, and free and clear houses. So, if the **** hit the fan, we could probably survive pretty comfortably on as little as 40 or 50K a year without much sacrifice.... now may not be able to fly the planes and operate the big boats, but could easily get buy.

 

Your husband is out of control financially and seems to have absolutely NO clue how to control things. Sounds like he's WAY over his head in debt, and has no clue on how to manage money.

 

Until he gets some serious help, he will drive you to financial ruin....

 

Doesn't matter how much one makes, it's how they handle it.

 

Some of the advise on keeping your money separate is smart. He certainly doesn't need your income.

 

Also, what are you two doing for tax planning? Good deductions, Roth IRAs, minimizing w2 in favor of capital gains, etc., etc......

[isthislove35]

Thanks for your insight. I can tell you that I am very stressed out over this and him in general.

 

Tonight he saw me emailing one of my male clients and he was not happy. He said he was concerned that I might be too friendly and flirtatious. I have repeatedly told him I would never! He said... Well you might want to be too nice and that's so misleading etc. he started looking through my phone and texts because of it.

 

As for taxes... We've done nothing. I know he hasn't contacted his accountant yet and he's already 15k behind in property taxes.

 

His line of credit is 22 percent interest and he has perfect credit! I suggested that he get a zero interest special on his credit cards.

 

Bottom line. He's possibly losing his biz contract next year. He (we)owes 15k in debt. He has stopped all retirement deposits. He has stopped all of my payments for debt to lawyer and only paying essentials.

 

All this while talking about booking a cruise... Eating out at every meal... And buying 250 dollar jeans at least once a month among other things... And suggesting we travel out of town next weekend (which I stopped).

 

I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot of my own issues. But sometimes I feel like the only adult here. We shouldn't be spending all this money on anything!

 

I suggested we sell the house and use the 100k to catch up and get ourselves back to comfortable. He freaked out and said I had some nerve ... It's HIS house etc etc.

[anna121]

Run.

 

This will only get worse.

[fireflywy]

Thanks for your insight. I can tell you that I am very stressed out over this and him in general.

 

Tonight he saw me emailing one of my male clients and he was not happy. He said he was concerned that I might be too friendly and flirtatious. I have repeatedly told him I would never! He said... Well you might want to be too nice and that's so misleading etc. he started looking through my phone and texts because of it.

 

As for taxes... We've done nothing. I know he hasn't contacted his accountant yet and he's already 15k behind in property taxes.

 

His line of credit is 22 percent interest and he has perfect credit! I suggested that he get a zero interest special on his credit cards.

 

Bottom line. He's possibly losing his biz contract next year. He (we)owes 15k in debt. He has stopped all retirement deposits. He has stopped all of my payments for debt to lawyer and only paying essentials.

 

All this while talking about booking a cruise... Eating out at every meal... And buying 250 dollar jeans at least once a month among other things... And suggesting we travel out of town next weekend (which I stopped).

 

I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot of my own issues. But sometimes I feel like the only adult here. We shouldn't be spending all this money on anything!

 

I suggested we sell the house and use the 100k to catch up and get ourselves back to comfortable. He freaked out and said I had some nerve ... It's HIS house etc etc.

 

Okay, after reading this, its time to pull the eject lever.

[S2B]

He owned the house before I came into the picture. He pays the bills -- expenses for my kids come from MY money -- out of our account.

 

He told me recently the biggest mistake he made in his last marriage was that he let his ex put all of her income into her retirement account (she only made 29k) and maxed it out for her and he said recently (when fighting with me about my money) that he would NEVER do that again...he learned his lesson.

 

That's true. He isn't helping pay any of my debt -- in fact he had me put my student loan on a forbearance until my new clients started paying.

 

Before we married? I had a VERY good career working for an excellent company and I left it to be with him... because he couldn't stand that I worked so much and traveled so much.

 

He begged and pleaded and told me that he would take care of me... and that I didn't have to worry about paying my bills..."just quit!"

 

Well, I did and it was pretty clear ASAP I DID have to worry about paying bills and THEN SOME!

 

I am now making 12k a month... and he gives me a hard time about getting a manicure and pedicure monthly.

 

Honey, this abusive and manipulative man is running and ruining your life.

 

Stop giving him access to the money you're earning!

 

Pay him a small fee for rent and tell him he has no say in your earned money! Do not allow him to keep dipping into your money.

 

He will bleed you for everything you make if you don't start standing up for yourself!

 

Go and be social! Who cares how he feels - he's unreasonable! Get a manicure when you want and tell him to stay out of your personal choices.

 

Consider divorce if it continues to look like jail.