I'm Separated from The Love of My Life and Heartbroken

[Heartbroken63]

Hi everyone, I’d like to share my story of heartbreak and get some opinions if at all possible. Heartbreak occurs just as bad in the straight community as it does in the gay community.

 

I have an unusual passion of collecting certain types of vintage household items. Eight years ago I met who I thought was my soulmate. He collects very similar items and we have shared our passion with great fun and love for all this time. We started out as a long distance relationship as he lived 800 miles away. Then one and have years later I asked him to move here and move in and he did. We had so many wonderful fun times decorating our house via our passion, we both love to travel and many other things in common. However, it took me a while to convince myself to ask him to move in as there is an age difference between of 19 years, he is 33 and I’m 52.

 

He’s wanted me for years to get a new vehicle, but I held off because mine was perfectly fine and I thought it would fiscally irresponsible to get a new one. In 2013 gay marriage was passed in our state, so we talked about getting married and I had the cash in the bank to get a new vehicle. I asked him what would he prefer a wedding or a new vehicle. He said “I’d so rather spend the money on a big-ish wedding for us”. So at the end of June 2014 we got married. All of our family and friends knew how deep our relationship was and saw it clearly at our wedding how much we were in love.

 

Of course we weren’t the perfect couple, no couple is, we had our share of issues but I thought they were relatively minor. Our biggest issue was he had a difficult time communing properly, which isn’t uncommon in many relationships and I had some issues with fear of abandonment.

 

Four months after the wedding in October of 2014 he started to have a secret affair with someone. I figured out what he what was going on in March 2015. I confronted him, he fell to the kitchen floor crying begging me not to divorce him. He sent a no contact letter and this lasted for three months, the problem is they work for the same company, on the same campus but in different buildings. Then I did a very stupid thing, I gave him an ultimatum saying any more contact with this person and we’re done. Then at the end of June the affair started up again when they ran into each other. This went on for four weeks before he admitted to me what was happening again. Completely unbeknownst to me, during these four weeks he had mourned our relationship and psyched himself up to leave. I did another stupid thing, on the evening of July 21st when he admitted what was going on, I said fine, then go and stay at his apartment.

 

In the morning when I got to work, I texted and asked him if he was sure about all this. He was surprised that I was open to taking him back. He said he had prepared himself for this and can’t just push the snowball back up and over the course of the very next week became very conflicted over what to do. Another issue is that he’s never lived on his own, he went from his parents house, to his first partners house to my house. He said he needs space, needs time to think and needs to feel independent for the first time in his life. So he found an apartment with a lease he can break and moved in.

 

So he is telling me, that:

A. He wants to be separated for now and continue Marriage Counseling once a week and have dinner once a week as well.

B. He says he is still in love with me

C. He says he still wants to be my husband

D. He says that I’m more important that this other person but he still wants to be able to this other person during separation.

 

 

He sent me this the other day: “I recognize that there is something going on with me deep inside; I wish I knew what it was and why it’s now manifesting itself. It’s causing me pain, it’s causing you pain, it’s causing our friends and families pain. I hate that I’m messed up, and I hate how I feel that whatever it is has this power over me, none of which I’m able to explain. “

 

So we’ve both gone into individual counseling, plus marriage counseling weekly. So I have no idea what to do, I can’t decide if it’s best for me and my emotional health to move on, heal and meet someone new. Or wait it out and see what what happens and keep working on the relationship. I’ve never loved anyone so deeply in all my life and I’ve never been so heartbroken in all my life. Its been 25 days now since he left, it’s so bad that the Dr. put me on Valium and Ambien to help sleep, but I’m still not sleeping well. I’ve never need any kind of medication like this before in my entire life.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice in advance.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Oh wow, so you have been married just over a year, and he has already had an affair, thats awful. The 2nd time he got involved, you told him to go , and he just went? No tears or falling to the floor that time? He has told you he needs some space, yet he still wants his relationship with his OM while you sit and wait, thats not space he is asking for. He is leaving you sat at home while he goes out and has his fun knowing you will be there when he decides to come back. He doesnt respect you one bit. If he actually loved you he would do everything to make the marriage work, instead he moved out and is continuing his affair in front of your face. Are you supporting him financially? I know you love him but you need to really think hard on this, he isnt being a husband, he wants his freedom and single life but have you as his back up. Your deffo his plan b...are you willing to let him walk all over you like that?

[Sandy43]

So sorry for what you are going through. I don't think you made any mistakes by telling him that if he continues to see the OM that it's over, that is the right thing to do.

 

I think for your own peace of mind you need to move on from him, i know it's easy for me to say as my feelings aren't involved but from what you have described he is keeping you on the back burner while he gets to live like a single person. That is not how you reconcile, you are not a back up plan and he needs to know that. If I were in your shoes I would go NC with him and let him know that you are not going to sit around and wait for him.

[Heartbroken63]

Thank you Celestial-dreamer, I appreciate your comments. I am not supporting him financially and when he was home he was paying half the household bills himself. Now he has to pay for his own apartment and his own storage, its a stretch but he can do it.

 

Yes when I told him to go he just went as he prepared himself emotionally for this for weeks before he told me what was going on.

 

I told him now his actions will speak louder than words. Just not sure how long I'm going to be able to hang on. He said to me in marriage counseling please let me figure out what's going on with me before you decided to divorce me. That's why I'm so conflicted, yes I see how he is taking advantage of the situation, but on the other hand I feel like if I don't continue trying to work on this marriage it might haunt me for the rest of my life that I gave up before we knew for sure either way.

[Heartbroken63]

So sorry for what you are going through. I don't think you made any mistakes by telling him that if he continues to see the OM that it's over, that is the right thing to do.

 

I think for your own peace of mind you need to move on from him, i know it's easy for me to say as my feelings aren't involved but from what you have described he is keeping you on the back burner while he gets to live like a single person. That is not how you reconcile, you are not a back up plan and he needs to know that. If I were in your shoes I would go NC with him and let him know that you are not going to sit around and wait for him.

 

Thank you Sandy, I know what your saying and NC might be another way to possibly save this relationship, but I'm not there yet. Friends and family have been telling me to hold on and do anything rash as of yet.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Thank you Celestial-dreamer, I appreciate your comments. I am not supporting him financially and when he was home he was paying half the household bills himself. Now he has to pay for his own apartment and his own storage, its a stretch but he can do it.

 

Yes when I told him to go he just went as he prepared himself emotionally for this for weeks before he told me what was going on.

 

I told him now his actions will speak louder than words. Just not sure how long I'm going to be able to hang on. He said to me in marriage counseling please let me figure out what's going on with me before you decided to divorce me. That's why I'm so conflicted, yes I see how he is taking advantage of the situation, but on the other hand I feel like if I don't continue trying to work on this marriage it might haunt me for the rest of my life that I gave up before we knew for sure either way.

 

 

Aww bless you, your really hoping. He wants MC yet still continue his affair? How will he ever work anything out if he is still doing the nasty on you? He is just stringing you along. It seems your the one doing allthe work, hes having allthe fun, it should be HIM doing all the work, thats mean absolutely NO contact with OM, yet he is having a full on relationship while you wait,

[Celestial-dreamer]

Thank you Celestial-dreamer, I appreciate your comments. I am not supporting him financially and when he was home he was paying half the household bills himself. Now he has to pay for his own apartment and his own storage, its a stretch but he can do it.

 

Yes when I told him to go he just went as he prepared himself emotionally for this for weeks before he told me what was going on.

 

I told him now his actions will speak louder than words. Just not sure how long I'm going to be able to hang on. He said to me in marriage counseling please let me figure out what's going on with me before you decided to divorce me. That's why I'm so conflicted, yes I see how he is taking advantage of the situation, but on the other hand I feel like if I don't continue trying to work on this marriage it might haunt me for the rest of my life that I gave up before we knew for sure either way.

 

 

Aww bless you, your really hoping there. It seems like your doing all the hard work, going to MC etc so what is he doing? Theres no way he can work it out if he continues his relationship with OM. Why is he asking you to wait? Thats your decision to make, not his. Your bending over backwards for him. Seems he just doesnt want the hassle of divorce while he figures himself out and leaves you hanging by a thread. You deserve so much more.

 

sorry edited as previous post went before i finished didnt realise. Please delete the other post. Tablet tine keyboard and my fat fingers lol

 

Aww bless you, your really hoping. He wants MC yet still continue his affair? How will he ever work anything out if he is still doing the nasty on you? He is just stringing you along. It seems your the one doing allthe work, hes having allthe fun, it should be HIM doing all the work, thats mean absolutely NO contact with OM, yet he is having a full on relationship while you wait,

Edited August 17, 2015 by Celestial-dreamer

[JADIE]

Another issue is that he’s never lived on his own, he went from his parents house, to his first partners house to my house..

 

This should have been your first clue to his character...lack of fidelity. He was carrying on or building a relationship with you while living with his first partner. Just like any hetero relationship, if he did it for you, he'll do it TO you. Not helpful after the fact, but perhaps in the future you can use this experience to better evaluate what you're getting yourself into, if you pursue a new relationship with someone else.

 

He's also a cake-eater obviously...stringing you along on weekly MC appointments and date nights while he continues his relationship with the other guy. Not cool.

 

I vote for NC and regaining some self-respect. Once is a mistake, two or three times is starting to look like a habit.

[Sandy43]

Thank you Sandy, I know what your saying and NC might be another way to possibly save this relationship, but I'm not there yet. Friends and family have been telling me to hold on and do anything rash as of yet.

 

I'm glad you have people there to support you while you are going through this, but have any of them been through anything like this? The advice to just sit back and do nothing does not seem like good advice to me (speaking as a BS), you need to look out for you and your well being. Living in limbo like this is what is causing you so much turmoil, you can't move on with your life because you are waiting to see what he will do and that is no way to live. You need to look after yourself regardless of what he is doing, he is not showing any remorse for his A in fact he wants your permission to keep seeing you both. That is great for him and terrible for you.

[Try]

He said to me in marriage counseling please let me figure out what's going on with me before you decided to divorce me. That's why I'm so conflicted, yes I see how he is taking advantage of the situation, but on the other hand I feel like if I don't continue trying to work on this marriage it might haunt me for the rest of my life that I gave up before we knew for sure either way.

He decided to secretly resume the affair with his lover, and because of this lover mentally prepared himself to leave you prior to telling you. He now wants to live on his own as a single guy so that he can pursue the relationship with his lover free of being bound by his marriage vows to you so that he can see where it will lead with the two of them. As of now, there is no marriage. He is in practice single, and you are just one of the people that he dates, and only once a week. You are not even his primary relationship, his lover is. If you read between the lines, what he said in marriage counseling was "please let me figure out what's going on with me" and my lover "before you decided to "stop being my back up plan and "divorce me". Since you are in practice not married, you should just make it official. Edited August 17, 2015 by Try