skinut2234 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Help identifying abuse in relationship/marriage Need a little help- Maybe someone who has been there can assist. Have a good friend who is woman and I just met the husband.... She painted this picture of a "great guy"- that worships her and paints this "Rosy" picture of their relationship. Long story short- spent more time with "them" and the guys is a complete A-shole (which does not make him abuser)- but I sensed some things in the way they interacted that cause me concern... (Mind you this doens't necessarily mean physical abuse)- could be other type- verbal- control etc...... Examples: - No matter how he treated or talked to her- she always smiled and complied- like she was afraid to disobey - When asked if she is happy she says- Yes but "No one understands him like I do" (meaning he is really a nice guy) always defending him - She Spends fair amount of time out of house - He seems to be rude and nasty to everyone around her and her family.... - very tough with their child- harps on him constantly (they have a 5 year old son) - Watches her every move like a hawk..... Not sure if there are signs or not- What else to look for?? Want to help (but stay out of it)- Just not sure how to identify if there is something going on without coming out and asking?? (don't want to be wrong and insult her I guess) Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 It might be the case that there is abuse going on. But it also might not be the case. Remember, that different people have different backgrounds, and therefore their ideals of interhuman interactions might be different from ours. The line "No one understands him like I do", is a scary line, which is probably the strongest clue in the direction of abuse. But as it is now, she truly believes he is something special, and maybe he is in her eyes. You don't see the full 24 hour routine they live with. Maybe she is convincing herself of it, by saying these things, by being obedient. Either way, there is nothing much you can do about the whole situation. Even telling the truth will cause her to get defensive, and kick you out of their lifes. Telling the same thing, when it is not true, will result in the same thing. You really need substantial proof, and not circumstancial clues. Even if abuse is taking place, oftentimes it happens that the abused defends the abuser. But hopefully, when she is out of the house, she has her friends, her hobbies, perhaps her job, so that there are a lot of people around her, although at a large distance. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 I agree with d'Arthez completely. You don't know what's going on. Maybe she cheated on him and he gets her back. Do you think she would tell you? First of all, stay out of it and don't interfere in her marriage no matter what. Secondly, she most likely knows what he is like, but is trying to cover him in front of people. Of course she won't oppose him when you're around, that doesn't mean she obeys him otherwise. You can't make her divorce him. And even bringing the idea of MC might ruin your friendship. Friends should not suggest things like "your husband doesn't treat you right, you deserve better" if they claim that everything is great. Plus from your post she doesn't sound like a close friend of yours that you've had for years; more like someone you met 6 months ago or you've known rather superficially. If she were your close friend, you wouldn't say that you just met her husband although she's been married for at least 6 years. Also if you were such close friends she would be more honest with you about her relationship. It might come with time, but obviously you're far away from playing her sister. Link to post Share on other sites
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