Dumper contacts me after 4 months NC

[GreenWellington]

Hey all,

 

My girlfriend and I broke up mid-April. Since shortly after the break up I enforced strict NC, changed my phone number, blocked all social media, the whole package deal.

 

About 3 days ago at 5:30AM I received an e-mail from her. Asking how I was doing, saying she wanted to talk. I didnt answer for a few days to get my thoughts together. I was finally feeling relatively good about my life and recovery again. Things are looking up. Funny how exs always seem to know when you're at that stage.

 

I didnt feel like flat out ignoring her, although I know perhaps I should have. I finally answered earlier, keeping my reply very brief. I said I was fine and told her I didnt think it was a good idea to talk. I asked her what exactly she wanted to talk about.

 

Either way, I'm not interested in having a relationship with this person anymore. I know I should just not answer in that case. She's probably looking for an ego-boost or what feeling lonely. Maybe even drunk considering the time I received the e-mail.

 

Just needed to vent a bit. Have any of you lived similar experiences?

[aloneinaz]

Hey all,

 

My girlfriend and I broke up mid-April. Since shortly after the break up I enforced strict NC, changed my phone number, blocked all social media, the whole package deal.

 

About 3 days ago at 5:30AM I received an e-mail from her. Asking how I was doing, saying she wanted to talk. I didnt answer for a few days to get my thoughts together. I was finally feeling relatively good about my life and recovery again. Things are looking up. Funny how exs always seem to know when you're at that stage.

 

I didnt feel like flat out ignoring her, although I know perhaps I should have. I finally answered earlier, keeping my reply very brief. I said I was fine and told her I didnt think it was a good idea to talk. I asked her what exactly she wanted to talk about.

 

Either way, I'm not interested in having a relationship with this person anymore. I know I should just not answer in that case. She's probably looking for an ego-boost or what feeling lonely. Maybe even drunk considering the time I received the e-mail.

 

Just needed to vent a bit. Have any of you lived similar experiences?

 

 

Yup! I was dumped by my last GF. I was LIVID because I should of dumped her long before. I was DONE with her. I absolutely VANISHED from her life. Blocked her everywhere, healed, moved on and met my now 2 year GF a few months later.

 

 

About 5-6 months after she dumped me, I was napping one afternoon. I heard the door bell but was half asleep. I didn't get up figuring it was a solicitor. The next night, I got a LONG text from her, apologizing for being a POS GF, blah, blah, blah.. I ignored her. Two weeks later I got an email from her that was huge. More apologies, missed me terribly, didn't recognize what she had, begging for me to talk to her and give her another chance... I ignored it to until my GF suggested/asked that I reply to her that I'd moved on, was in a R/S and good luck, which I did.

 

 

She still contacted me off/on via email for the next couple of months and I ignored her. I have no desire to date her again.

 

 

The funny part about her contacting me again is that everyone says if you hear from your dumper ex again, it will usually be by 6 months post break up. This site has confirmed that. The other thing everyone says is the dumper returns only when they realize that the grass wasn't greener, hadn't had much luck dating and being single or their rebound ended. In this case w/me, she noted that she had been in a short R/S after me that was awful and it only made her miss me. The other interesting tid bit, she reached back out to me only 1 week after her rebound ended..

[lolablue17]

You did OK. assuming she wasn't too evil towards you while breaking up, there's no reason to be rude.

 

You asked her what does she want to talk about. After she answers, write her that you don't want to look back and you have no interest talking to her.

 

If she continues, ask again "please stop embarrassing yourself" and if she doesn't stop you have all the right to ignore without being rude.

[912brian24]

Yup! I was dumped by my last GF. I was LIVID because I should of dumped her long before. I was DONE with her. I absolutely VANISHED from her life. Blocked her everywhere, healed, moved on and met my now 2 year GF a few months later.

 

 

About 5-6 months after she dumped me, I was napping one afternoon. I heard the door bell but was half asleep. I didn't get up figuring it was a solicitor. The next night, I got a LONG text from her, apologizing for being a POS GF, blah, blah, blah.. I ignored her. Two weeks later I got an email from her that was huge. More apologies, missed me terribly, didn't recognize what she had, begging for me to talk to her and give her another chance... I ignored it to until my GF suggested/asked that I reply to her that I'd moved on, was in a R/S and good luck, which I did.

 

 

She still contacted me off/on via email for the next couple of months and I ignored her. I have no desire to date her again.

 

 

The funny part about her contacting me again is that everyone says if you hear from your dumper ex again, it will usually be by 6 months post break up. This site has confirmed that. The other thing everyone says is the dumper returns only when they realize that the grass wasn't greener, hadn't had much luck dating and being single or their rebound ended. In this case w/me, she noted that she had been in a short R/S after me that was awful and it only made her miss me. The other interesting tid bit, she reached back out to me only 1 week after her rebound ended..

It's always at the 6-8 month mark! Basically dude she has been drilled by some other dudes and just like aloneinaz said she's seeing that dudes are crap bags and want just one thing! Make sure you ask her how that cake was because they sure want both!!

[Amelie1980]

God yes, they all seem to have this radar where they know you're getting by without them.

 

One of my exes did it about the 8 month mark too. I chatted to him for a bit an then asked him what he wanted. He told me he was just being a friend. I told him he was no friend of mine and to leave me alone.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, I got this feeling; dude, I wouldn't expect a response back and if you do it will probably be along the lines of "Sorry for bothering you".

[aloneinaz]

It's always at the 6-8 month mark! Basically dude she has been drilled by some other dudes and just like aloneinaz said she's seeing that dudes are crap bags and want just one thing! Make sure you ask her how that cake was because they sure want both!!

 

 

Yup.. this site and others indicate that time frame "if" a dumper reappears. The other component is the dumpee has to have vanished from their lives too.

 

 

As you stated, they didn't find the success that thought they would after being single again. They date, have some short term R/S's then get burned out on it. So, they get lonely, miss being in a R/S and all that provides and break contact with a feeler email or text "hey, are you"?

 

 

This is why myself and others on this site are such believers in not recycling a failed R/S. They don't work the second time either. The dumpee takes the dumper back. When the excitement of the reconciliation ends (usually in a short amount of time), the dumper remembers why they dumped them and do it again.

 

 

I love the posts here that talk about the dumper reappearing so many months later and the dumpee absolutely ignoring them. They made the decision to end the relationship. The dumpee know makes the decision to ever speak w/them again.

[Satu]

Ignore, and continue your forward motion.

[GreenWellington]

Me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. (she left me) I posted here earlier as my ex e-mailed me out of the blue earlier this week asking how I was doing. We briefly exchanged 2-3 short e-mails and she then asked if I'd want to meet for coffee. I told her it wasn't a good idea and that it would just stir up a bunch of old feelings. I also said there was no point in meeting if she didn't plan on reconciling our relationship.

 

She replied defensively saying that it wasn't a big deal and she only wanted to meet as friends. In the end I wished her on her way and told her I'd rather not. I guess that's the end of that then..

 

I just needed to vent a bit, I'm feeling so surprisingly messed up and affected today. We all know how it can be, part of you would kill to see your ex again, but you know it would just be the worst possible decision. I still have doubts as to what her true intentions are, there was certainly a motive somewhere.

 

Either way, this just proved that I need more healing... rejecting her felt relieving, but at the same time I feel that she's miles ahead of me in the healing process if she feels she can just see me casually as no big deal.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

No man, you did very good. She didn't admit to making a mistake or anything of that sort; I think she may be missing the attention you gave her. Regardless, you did well keep it up. I know it's cliche but time does heal wands and you should feel a little better about yourself after this. Keep your head up and focus on who is important right now, you.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

I just needed to vent a bit, I'm feeling so surprisingly messed up and affected today. We all know how it can be, part of you would kill to see your ex again, but you know it would just be the worst possible decision. I still have doubts as to what her true intentions are, there was certainly a motive somewhere.

 

Either way, this just proved that I need more healing... rejecting her felt relieving, but at the same time I feel that she's miles ahead of me in the healing process if she feels she can just see me casually as no big deal.

 

 

Well, you sound like you got your head on straight. You're absolutely right that she's miles ahead of you in the healing process. See, when our Ex's pull the trigger on the relationship, they've already disconnected from the relationship before they end it. They've already started to mourn the loss of us and the relationship WHILE THEY'RE STILL WITH US! They pull the trigger when they've healed enough to walk away or they have something or someone else already lined up and ready to go.

 

 

But, I'm curious to know what YOU think her intentions were? I want to see if YOU know what's going through the mind of our Ex's. Because it's pretty textbook.

Edited August 21, 2015 by Chi townD

[elaine567]

You're absolutely right that she's miles ahead of you in the healing process. See, when our Ex's pull the trigger on the relationship, they've already disconnected from the relationship before they end it. They've already started to mourn the loss of us and the relationship WHILE THEY'RE STILL WITH US! They pull the trigger when they've healed enough to walk away or they have something or someone else already lined up and ready to go.

 

^^^this^^^

[BriNyc82]

Me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. (she left me) I posted here earlier as my ex e-mailed me out of the blue earlier this week asking how I was doing. We briefly exchanged 2-3 short e-mails and she then asked if I'd want to meet for coffee. I told her it wasn't a good idea and that it would just stir up a bunch of old feelings. I also said there was no point in meeting if she didn't plan on reconciling our relationship.

 

She replied defensively saying that it wasn't a big deal and she only wanted to meet as friends. In the end I wished her on her way and told her I'd rather not. I guess that's the end of that then..

 

I just needed to vent a bit, I'm feeling so surprisingly messed up and affected today. We all know how it can be, part of you would kill to see your ex again, but you know it would just be the worst possible decision. I still have doubts as to what her true intentions are, there was certainly a motive somewhere.

 

Either way, this just proved that I need more healing... rejecting her felt relieving, but at the same time I feel that she's miles ahead of me in the healing process if she feels she can just see me casually as no big deal.

 

She broke up with you la la la. of course it's no big deal to her. She didn't get her heart ripped out. I'm very proud of you for for holding firm and drawing a line in the sand.

[aloneinaz]

Me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago. (she left me) I posted here earlier as my ex e-mailed me out of the blue earlier this week asking how I was doing. We briefly exchanged 2-3 short e-mails and she then asked if I'd want to meet for coffee. I told her it wasn't a good idea and that it would just stir up a bunch of old feelings. I also said there was no point in meeting if she didn't plan on reconciling our relationship.

 

She replied defensively saying that it wasn't a big deal and she only wanted to meet as friends. In the end I wished her on her way and told her I'd rather not. I guess that's the end of that then..

 

I just needed to vent a bit, I'm feeling so surprisingly messed up and affected today. We all know how it can be, part of you would kill to see your ex again, but you know it would just be the worst possible decision. I still have doubts as to what her true intentions are, there was certainly a motive somewhere.

 

Either way, this just proved that I need more healing... rejecting her felt relieving, but at the same time I feel that she's miles ahead of me in the healing process if she feels she can just see me casually as no big deal.

 

 

This is just a gentle reminder as to why you shouldn't break NC after being dumped. It's making you "cling" to the hope of reconciliation w/her. You stated in your initial thread that she's broken up with you before this big break up. You then had sex w/her two weeks after she dumped you. Now, she's still messing with your head and contacting you and you're responding vs. ignoring her.

Hum.. kind of hard to figure out why you're not healing and have not moved on?!?!

 

 

She's NOT going to change. She's very young, selfish and immature on top of the other issues you described. You're not perfect either I'm sure. Put the two of you together and you're simply not compatible. Young R/S's flame out all the time. Tons of post like this one each week.

 

 

This time, stay NC and don't bite on her attempts at attention from you because she's bored and want's to see if she still has power over you. Do something different now. Start dating and enjoy your youth. As soon as you start dating some new hot thang, you'll forget all about this one.

[dumbass2]

Good for you! Keep holding strong. Not many of us could do this, but we know we should have.

[GreenWellington]

But, I'm curious to know what YOU think her intentions were? I want to see if YOU know what's going through the mind of our Ex's. Because it's pretty textbook.

 

I honestly have the feeling that she simply missed me and wanted attention but also genuinely wanted to see how I was doing (where I was at, with someone else possibly?). I know she had some summer fling with this other guy and it seems to have ended not long ago (she deleted the pics of them off of her instagram). I doubt she had any intentions to reconcile as she even told me so, but she was so up and down all the time that I know she would've pulled off some weird stunt at some point for sure.

 

I honestly didn't think she was going to pull the ''contact your ex for validation'' stunt after her summer boy fling ended, but she actually went that low. I guess she was naive enough to think I didn't know.

 

It doesn't matter at this point, we're not together, time to move on for good...I won't respond to any other e-mails in the future if ever she decides to contact me again.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input and tough love, it's really appreciated.

[lolablue17]

You don't compete her "who is healing first".

 

You gave her too much information about yourself. by saying "it's not a good idea to meet, unless you want to reconcile", you told her that you're weak, didn't heal, and gave her absolute power over you.

 

That's why you feel bad. Because deep inside you you know that she already got her ego boost from you, knowing that she can wrap you around her finger if she wishes. You feel used.

 

Next time you can answer or ignore, but if you answer, set a rule. Never tell her anything about yourself, your feelings, your thoughts... nothing! You dont want to meet because you don't want to meet. Because you're busy. With what? with stuff. Short sentences, that says nothing.