Bad habit I want to break

[Ruby Slippers]

I've had a bad habit in romantic relationships for all my life, and while I've made a lot of progress at improving it, I'd like to get rid of it entirely.

 

Now, before anybody starts lecturing me about what an unhealthy, destructive, hurtful habit this is, let me say that I'm aware it's not good, which is why I'm taking steps to solve the problem, and why I started this thread.

 

My bad habit is withdrawing after I get hurt during a disagreement. I don't give the outright silent treatment, but close. I had an incident with my boyfriend this weekend. In retrospect, I see it was minor, but I had a strong emotional reaction. While I was withdrawn, I did a lot of reading about withdrawing, the silent treatment, and why it's a bad thing to do. After the disagreement, I told him that I know this isn't good, and I'm working on it. He asked me after our last disagreement not to run away when I'm hurt, but tell him what's wrong, talk to him about it. He said he doesn't care if I'm mad and yelling at him - he'd rather I project anger at him and communicate than just go silent or get up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the couch. I told him I would, but when the moment arrived, I retreated again.

 

What I read says that the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse in which the one who goes silent is trying to passive-aggressively assert control and manipulate their partner into an apology, compliance, etc. I can see the point, but personally, I never withdraw in an attempt to punish or control. The last thing I want to do is hurt my man. Rather, I withdraw because I get overcome with sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. I feel that my partner doesn't understand and no one can do anything to resolve my bad feelings but me.

 

I know this goes back to my dysfunctional childhood, where I was treated badly often, and constantly had to withdraw to protect myself and feel some semblance of safety and normalcy. I was always running away to escape the dark energy of my hostile, critical, abusive dad. At that time, it was the right thing to do, because his treatment was destructive and hurtful. But that time is over, and it's time to let go of a bad habit that isn't doing me any good any more.

 

My boyfriend is very loving, positive, and supportive. I can talk to him about anything. Also, he seems to be remarkably resilient and has good boundaries. I asked him how he felt during my retreat, and he said he felt sad, but knew that it was my pattern and nothing personal. He tried to get through to me a few times, and when that didn't work, he did his own things until I was ready to talk. Still, I told him I know my behavior isn't healthy or productive and he doesn't deserve that.

 

Also, we are talking seriously about marriage and kids. I want to resolve this bad habit before we have a family, because I don't want to put the burden of this unhealthy energy on my kids.

 

So, I know the ideal thing to do is talk to him in the moment of the disagreement, instead of retreating into silence. The next-best thing is to tell him I need X amount of time to myself, then come back after that time period to talk, treating him as normally as possible during the quiet time, or at least neutrally. I also want to stop leaving the bed to sleep on the couch, and going to bed sad/mad. When I do this, I always wait until he's asleep before I leave, because I don't want to disturb him or make him feel sad/mad while he's trying to sleep. But it's not good for either of us for me to go to bed feeling bad. I'd like to resolve any disagreement before we go to sleep, not go to bed sad/mad.

 

I will use this thread to report back on how I do from here on out. I appreciate any tips that anyone can offer.

[regine_phalange]

If I understand right it starts by him doing something that's slightly disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, annoying etc, and you retreat without giving him any hint about your feelings? And he senses it, and then you talk about it later, when you're ready?

 

You are not a bad person for doing that. Since you're not looking to manipulate a reaction out of others it's not abusive. You may just feel threatened or maybe unsure of whether your feelings are "right". Only you know for sure. Maybe you need time to process information to see whether your anger is justified? Do you tend to minimise and distrust your own feelings? Do you fear conflict in other areas of your life? Maybe this is where you could explore first.

 

I had this problem somewhat in the past. That's the way my whole family is actually, I never saw anyone show their anger. So it was hard not to pick up that pattern. But it's indeed unhealthy and I read somewhere that negative feelings can even latch on your cells (or something) and stay there for long. Anyway. After I had a boyfriend who showed his anger too much and too often (he surely was a borderline), I got accustomed to showing annoyance and anger a bit faster too. Sometimes I do need to process things before speaking my mind, especially for serious matters or bigger decisions, but if it's smaller argument I now tend to express myself immediately. Does your boyfriend show his feelings to you, his anger? His disappointment? Or is he discreet?

[mystikmind2005]

Almost exactly the same story for me! Except i learnt to withdraw in high school where i was horrendously bullied to the point of wanting to commit suicide and feeling so ashamed of myself for being so afraid all the time.

 

Conflict freaks me out, i withdraw very badly from it, although i get on very well with women who have come from abusive relationships and they really appreciate how gentle i am - but still, i need to find a better balance?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You have to fix all the damage your abusive dad did before you can fix this issue. Your reaction to your dad's abuse is the root cause. You need to unbury all that ugly hurt from him & get it out in the open. If your dad is still alive, you should tell him what he did to you & how it still affects you now. IC would be a good idea.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Why isn't this something that you could just accept about yourself? If your intention is not to manipulate, I don't see this as so horrible. Sure, it's not the ideal reaction but unfortunately we are all products of our pasts and it's a bit too much to expect to resolve ALL your issues in order to get married. I am sure there are things about your bf that are not ideal too.

[xxoo]

Rather, I withdraw because I get overcome with sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. I feel that my partner doesn't understand and no one can do anything to resolve my bad feelings but me.

 

One step may simply be to voice these feelings, and ask for a time out. Give it a beginning and an end (a few minutes, an hour, an evening). Maybe start with a long amt of time (a day), and you'll find that you don't need a whole day, and you can start to whittle down the time you ask for until it is a typical "time out" from an argument that is really healthy and normal.

 

My bad habit was anger, ie: yelling, screaming, and even throwing things Fiesty, but not something to pass onto the kids. When I had my first, I was soon challenged with her anger issues (typical toddler stuff). My reading instructed me to, "model appropriate expressions of anger." Rut-roh I realized I didn't know how do to that. What it came down to was something like the idea above: voice the feeling with words, take a time out, discuss again when calm.

[Ruby Slippers]

regine_phalange: Yes, that's pretty much the way it goes. Generally, I don't fear confrontation. I like to get everything out in the open and talk about it. But when my feelings are hurt, I often feel too emotional and sensitive to talk until later. My boyfriend is very transparent with his feelings. But he is one of the most well-balanced, positive, happy people I've ever met. I've been with him for 2 months now, and I can honestly say I've never seen him angry or in a bad mood. He's very good at counting his blessings and being thankful for everything he has, even during hard times, which I very much admire and respect. It seems that absolutely nothing rattles him. He's very passionate, but I've only seen him express his passions in positive ways. The only time I've seen a more intense side leaning toward angry is when he's on the phone giving advice to his somewhat irresponsible younger brother. He says his father often got angry over nothing, his younger brothers are the same way, and he warned them all that it wasn't good for their health to get so agitated. He's known as the calm voice of reason in the family.

 

Clarence_Boddicker: I've had some counseling, and it's helped a lot. But the main way it's helped me is to get me to accept that my dad just isn't capable of more. I've tried talking to my dad, but he's usually impossible to reason with. If you make the slightest criticism of him, he explodes into an angry fit and leaves the room. My counselor described him as very "limited" in his ability to communicate and empathize. He's obviously a very unhappy person with a lot of darkness in his heart and mind. I've learned that the best I can expect from him is for him not to be a jerk - even that is asking a lot of him. So I've tried to learn to just ignore his bad behavior, and for the most part I can do that.

 

Eternal Sunshine: Sure, nobody's perfect. I just can't see it being a good thing for me to shut down communication and emotions for a day or longer, especially once kids are involved. What will that teach them? I think at the very least I can learn to tell my boyfriend I'm not feeling good about things and will be taking X amount of time to reflect before talking about it.

 

xxoo: Yes, I think learning to create a better-defined time-out (just as I do with my cat when she's misbehaving) is a realistic goal to aim for. I'm also pretty sure that as soon as I let my man know I'm feeling sad or mad about something, he'll immediately take small steps to help melt the bad feelings. He's very good at defusing negative energy. Letting that in instead of silently stewing will probably be better for me overall, too. Because when I'm brooding, it doesn't feel good or healthy. It feels sad, angsty, and dark.

[Bubberfly]

Why isn't this something that you could just accept about yourself? If your intention is not to manipulate, I don't see this as so horrible. Sure, it's not the ideal reaction but unfortunately we are all products of our pasts and it's a bit too much to expect to resolve ALL your issues in order to get married. I am sure there are things about your bf that are not ideal too.

 

 

I agree with this. Habits are hard to break, particularly when you are dealing with emotions.

 

I think this is something that you need to talk about with the bf in a blunt way, when both of you are in a decent mood. You should tell him, "I'm sure you've already noticed this BUT... This is what I do."

 

Tell him why you do this.

 

Tell him this is something you'd like to change and are willing to work diligently on, but will have setbacks or forget when emotions may be running high.

 

Tell him that he needs to be patient with you, that it's nothing the personally reflects HIM but it's something about you he needs to understand.

 

 

Most of my past relationship issues in regards to me sorting out my own emotions was generally due to a lack of communication on my behalf. If I had been capable of explaining things to them in a calm manner when I wasn't an emotional basketcase (I myself tend to explode, then completely withdraw) I think the poor blokes may have been able to understand me better.

 

Communication is a two-way street. I think if he was a good boyfriend he'd be happy you opened up to him and would be willing to help.

 

Good luck with this, from what you have mentioned he seems like a great guy.